antipsych antisocial @textualtext - Tumblr Blog

Once again going haywire over the incomprehensibility of the implications of my different actions and inactions

A smooth surface is impossible to grab it's the irregularities that make it possible to move you, that's what love is for. But I need to stop likening inanimate objects to me. Instead I need to liken me to inanimate objects. I need to learn to talk about things and other people. Actually that's impossible I don't know what the difference is. And people always say these things are counterintuitive, "people that never talk about themselves are hiding something," "people that always talk about themselves can have a charismatic way of doing it selflessly that's why when a good humble person is constantly talking about themselves you'll never even notice because they'll still make you feel included," "people that only sometimes talk about themselves are expert manipulators," there's just no winning when you're me

Above all you are a creature suspect of wanting to be loved, and the want of love, if believed to exist, will exist, and create a handle to grab you with

When you don't have it you grieve its lack, when you have it you grieve its loss, etc

But personally I'm very afraid of love. I don't want people to notice preferences I have when they involve them. I don't want to like people. I just want us all to exist neutrally. But this is impossible. Things are possible. Which of them are worth it?

You can say an assassination will not do anything because there's already a structure in place, but they themselves are terrified of it. Not just for the threat to their lives, but also to their lifestyles, they genuinely fear public opinion might ruin things for them

Well there's no justice but you can always kill people to create it. Otherwise people will invent murder for fun

It's not the material that matters that much because what happens there is felt in the brain, and what is felt in the brain can be brought up by anyone. It's made of feelings created by social relations, it's fluid, it's up to discussion, you can't quantify it. That's why discourses like this are always appreciated. Because the basic structure is always the same. The life and death and rebirth of a feeling all follows the same pattern no matter what caused it. It's like syntax, you can use it to say anything but in a limited number of ways. It's the same with relatability, it works like language, anything can be experienced but in a limited number of ways

How about you exist and influence people

I see people existing and they are not me. Not only are they not me, they also use me to offset other people's separate selfhood, they lull them into a humane sense of comfort in this, they make them produce messages not legible by me

But being someone who is generally regarded as pathetic and uncool and as one of the embodiments of the american concept of a loser and as socially unintelligent is probably worse than death

Being someone who is generally regarded as, having traits measurable against a specific archetype of person, the characterization of a person. I wonder if it's ubiquitous and if it feels normal

It's a blessing to have a body of to talk about of

I hate that nice desserts are only eaten on social events. I can't enjoy them

and you can't talk to anyone

i wish i could go outisde, but damn, there's so many people outside. it's downright unfair. and they're all living at my expense. having the experiences i'm not having. but they can't have enough. they won't even let me enjoy the sunlight and the breeze. i wish i could be outside.

#i wish we could all be equal #but every time someone exists i don't exist #or rather #every space in which someone exists is a space in which i can't exist #they take up a space i'm not in #they're where i can't be #then that person moves away #but by the act of moving away that space changes. the occupier changes the space #so when i move to the now empty space it's no longer the same space the other person was inhabiting #it's impossible for me to be anywhere #wherever i go there's other places #and the other places have opportunities this one doesn't have #ultimately people will keep existing #where i won't exist. and i don't love anyone enough to tolerate this

My entire life I have been told I need to talk about my problems in order to solve them. I have talked about my problems and been told those aren't real problems that real people have. Now I have real people problems but I'm still not a real person, so I live in nowhere land

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antipsych antisocial