[thatskygoose]

I don't believe you love me enough to love me forever.

[thatskygoose]

It hurts when i remember everything.

[thatskygoose]

Every time you're disappointed, I hate myself a little bit more.

[thatskygoose]

This is why I'll never trust therapists again:

Blue= therapist, orange= French teacher

1.

"Is there anything the school can do?"

"No."

"Like canceling field trips for you, or maybe having you do your oral assignments separately for the teacher?"

"No, that’s not necessary."

"You can really ask for anything, you know, because I’ll make a list of it and the school will discuss what’s possible and what isn’t."

"...maybe the teachers shouldn’t talk to me anymore."

"And why is that?"

"They’re scary."

And yet the teachers keep asking me how I’m feeling. My homeroom teacher even more than anyone else. Was that really too much to ask?

2.

"Should I also arrange for you to no longer have to do oral assignments or group work?"

"...if possible."

"Of course that’s possible."

The school didn’t believe the two doctor’s notes. Only after Yuneco (crisisteam, where my therapist works) called did they sort of listen. I still had to give a group presentation for M.E. (Society&Economy). My M.E. teacher is my homeroom teacher.

"Send me an email explaining how we’re going to do the presentation."

"Okay." Why is she talking to me? The agreement wasn’t that I would send emails, but that you would. I don’t find it scary to talk to you, but you are scary when you talk to me. I’ll send a message saying I’m not participating in the presentation, because the therapist said, “Anything is possible; you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”

"I think you misunderstood me; I asked if you could let me know when and how we’re going to do the presentation. Heheheh. This presentation is too important to skip." I feel so humiliated. Why couldn’t she wait until the students were out of the classroom?

"So I suggest you come in tomorrow after school to do it for me and two other classmates of your choice. Okay?"

But tomorrow's too fast. How could I refuse something asked verbally and directly? It wasn’t a question; it was an order.

“Are you going to do it with Ch. (friend) and Co. (other friend)?”

But I don’t want to take up their time after school. They’re already stuck with me all the time.

“Okay.”

"Their last chance was actually long gone. I’m going to make this school feel guilty," I thought. But I couldn’t even do that.

I brought all the remaining pills from home to school. It would take four hours to kick in, so I took them during PE class, which I don’t participate in. I was hoping for a stomachache so I’d have an excuse to go home early.

I didn’t even dare say I had a stomachache.

I didn’t go to French class. I hid in the quiet study area. It hurt so much.

After school, Co. (friend) tells me that my French teacher said I wouldn’t get out of it that easily and that I have to do it this Thursday.

What was I supposed to do then?

I was so disappointed in myself. That I thought it would actually work.

I ask my therapist if she can please cancel the presentation because I have a stomachache from the pills, but that she really mustn’t tell my sister or mom.

She told them. I had to go to the doctor.

She didn’t arrange the French presentation.

“Can you send me an email about when we’re going to do the presentation? I understand if you were stressed, but at least reply to me with an email.”

“Okay, but I have to ask my sister.”

"And what does your sister have to do with this?"

"She said I have to tell her first if I don’t want to do something before I do something stupid."

"Okay, but don’t forget to send me an email."

Maybe I should use a plastic bag this time?

3.

"We’ve implemented an emergency brake procedure, and you can activate it whenever you want. You won’t have any assignments or tests for two weeks."

I activated it.

I had to take all the tests. “But maybe it just won’t count toward my grade,” I thought.

And then I had a French test on the book we were supposed to read.

I didn’t read it. Because I thought the emergency brake was supposed to stop tests and assignments, right?

An assignment for the test: everyone in groups of three, come up with questions about the story—except xxx (my name); you can choose which group to join.

Why is she singling me out in front of the whole class?

I choose a group with my friend.

“Um, yeah, actually you can’t be in this group. There are already four of them, so five members is a bit too many.”

I felt so humiliated.

“But okay, just make sure you participate fully.”

I hadn’t read the book.

What was I supposed to do? I really wanted to give up. For the first time, my tears were streaming down my face without a smile. I just couldn’t keep that smile on anymore.

[thatskygoose]

People lose hope

when trying doesn't work

when change doesn't make a difference

when empathy disappoints

when no one really cares

when rage turns into pain

[thatskygoose]

Murder dream

The bell rings

My best friend takes my hand and leads me through the orange brown hallway

Stops at classroom 314, remembers something, enters the classroom

Chairs in a circle, students in the chairs, teacher in the back

All staring at me

Best friend tells me she can't go home with me, has to attend to this after-school club

Ça va, discuss mental health of the students

I look around, everyone staring

Oh yes that's right. School has ended

Oh yes that's right. She was taking me outside the school building, to go home.

It's okay, I'll wait for you in the courtyard

Wait, it would maybe take an hour before she finishes

Nevermind, I'll just go home first

Dark—

I'm at the top floor of the school building

It's dusty, it's warm, it's 'cozy',

it makes me dizzy

A lot of boxes, wooden doors, sunlighted floating dust

And her, towering over me

Who...I don't remember her

Light hair, what color? Not blonde. What face?

She smiles. At me

I feel strange, I feel unsettled

But I know she'll be the second victim

The second person I have murdered

But....was there a first? Who was the first?

Who...I don't remember

Oh, bright red blood on my hands

She's lying on the floor

I hear someone

in the corner of my eye

The stairs, I need to get away

So many stairs, the hallway of each floor is the same, blue green red, how will I find the right one?

Which is the right one, where am I going to?

The end of the stairs, I walk fast

Orange brown hallway in, past classroom 314 with its door open

Its door was open

They have seen me

No no no they will know I lied about going home

Dark—

End of orange brown hallway, square of stairs

Blue green red too, but narrower, no hallways, only stairs to high above

I climb

I remember where to go to,

where is the exit?

Dark—

Arrived in blue green red hallway, again

Lively classrooms with lights on, students going in and out

Walk past me, staring

Do I look weird? Do I look lost?

Oh maybe the blood on my

Light—

Eyes open, sun shines, was it a dream?

It feels too real, it is real, I have murdered 2 people

But who? When? How?

No it's not real. It's just a psychosis

Or maybe a suppressed memory?

---------------------------------------

What is going on today at school?

It's for ###, best friend says

Who is ###? What happened to her?

What.....don't...you..remember? She was our classmate past year.... murdered on the top floor of building 4, remember?

Remember remember, I don't... remember

You used to follow her around everywhere

Oh

---------------------------------------

Ohhh, yes, ###,

she slapped me

On the top floor of building 4

Every time

And took videos and pictures

Of my body

Because I owe her, I would have to be stabbed a hundred times to pay her back, yes I remember now

Yes I remember now, she blessed me with her aid, gave me her lunch

And I would owe her my life, I remember it now

But one day, I brought lunch

To the top floor of building 4

I found a way to pay her kindness back

The next day, I brought lunch too

To the top floor of building 4

So then she owed me her life,

and I took it.

---------------------------------------

She was the second,

And the first....?

[thatskygoose]

[thatskygoose]

[thatskygoose]

~ HH.

[thatskygoose]

~ HH.

[thatskygoose]

~ HH.

[thatskygoose]

~ HH.

[thatskygoose]

~ HH.

[thatskygoose]

~ HH.

[thatskygoose]

~ HH.

[thatskygoose]

~ HH.

[thatskygoose]

~ HH.