That's Mildly Offensive

A collection of comments, remarks or interactions that I have heard or recieved that could be percieved as offensive to the LGBT+ community even though they were not intended to be. This blog is not intended to shame individuals but to highlight the heteronormative bias of society. And other LGBT+ related posts.

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‘Who’s the bride?’

We kind of expected this one. We are well aware of the heteronormative society that we live in and nowhere else is this magnified quite as much as in the world of weddings.

We attended our first ever wedding fair. We went just the two of us to see what it was like.

The first question upon starting a conversation with anyone in attendance...

‘So, which one of you is getting married?’

Our response...

‘We both are, to each other’

There were other couples in attendance, straight couples, I didn’t overhear them being asked the same question.

Another thing I noticed was how ‘bridal’ the whole event was, there was no questioning the target market. Out of 40 vendors at the event there was ONE suit stall. 

Hopefully we will experience greater inclusivity and less ignorant assumptions when we attend the Gay Wedding Show in Manchester.

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My girlfriend and I are engaged, we have started to do some wedding research to get some inspiration and a sense of the budget.

The other day I went to lunch with a member of the future wedding party.

At lunch we were discussing ideas and I mentioned that my girlfriend and I were going to a wedding fair (more on this in a future post).

My lunch companion expressed their interest in coming along, I explained that in future that would be great but we’d like to go to our first one just as a couple. 

They seemed a little disappointed so I offered an invitation to the next one we had planned which was The Gay Wedding Show in Manchester, they replied...

‘Uh, I’m not going to a gay one’

Apparently a ‘gay one’ isn’t good enough.

Dear Straight Person,

Our wedding is going to be PRETTY gay, are you sure you want to come?

Sincerely,

The Brides

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The topic of having a baby is becoming more and more common as we get older, and as we reach a new stage in our relationship. For some reason, people seem to forget about boundaries when this topic comes up.

I personally am okay with the standard ‘do you want children?’

What I’m not so okay with is people feeling that it’s okay to ask the following...

‘How are you going to have a baby?’

‘Who’s going to have it/them?’

One human even said to me once ‘Will you adopt or turkey baste?’ (Slightly more than ‘mildly’ offensive).

Well, like all couples we will both be having a child, it won’t be one or the other’s and how we conceive that child is none of your business.

Top Tip: Stop, Think, Would you ask a straight friend that question?

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This scenario actually had to happen a few times for me to realise what was going on.

My girlfriend and I love to travel and as a result have spent quite a few nights in hotels during our 4 years together. My girlfriend loves to research new places and find the best deals and we always book online.

On multiple occasions when checking in to a hotel the person at the front desk has taken our name, found our booking and then looked at the screen confused, then looked back at us, then back to the screen, back at us and said...

‘Oh, do you realise you’ve booked a double bed?’

We’ve discussed this with quite a few people and couples and it seems this isn't standard practise.

Top Tip: Just assume we’ve booked the room we wanted and if there’s an issue we’ll pop back and see you :)

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Two Mums

For a brief time I worked in education. One afternoon, after school I was sat in a classroom discussing the day with fellow teachers, as we often did. We would discuss students’ achievements or behavioural issues or any funny anecdotes that had occurred.

We were discussing one student when a colleague attributed his behaviour to ‘Daddy issues’

My fellow colleagues laughed.

A more senior colleague then mentioned that the students’ mum had rung today. Another colleague quipped ‘Which one?’

My fellow colleagues laughed, again.

I clearly wasn’t in on the joke and asked ‘Why is that funny?’ To which I got a simple reply.

‘She’s like you.’

My fellow colleagues found this hilarious.

I did not.

In this case I think this scenario may be slightly more than ‘mildly’ offensive.

Why do straight people find lesbianism so amusing?

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‘But you don’t look like a lesbian’

I can’t really claim this as original content as it has been discussed before across the internet. However sadly this one is still a reoccurring comment.

‘But you don’t look like a lesbian’

This can’t be attributed to a particular individual as it has been said by many a straight acquaintance.

It’s the strangest comment.

WHAT DOES A LESBIAN LOOK LIKE?

I assume they are referring to the stereotypical butch lesbian often portrayed or sadly mocked by mainstream media. The worst thing about it for me is the fact that this comment is often meant as a compliment. They feel better being friends with a lesbian because I still have long hair. Am I supposed to say thank you for this ‘compliment’?

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Recently when visiting a friend I was being shown a picture of a young child with a big grin on his face under a sheet of chiffon. The lady showing me the image commented on how happy the boy was when playing with chiffon. She followed this by saying ‘John is getting concerned’.

The comment was meant as a funny remark.

But let’s discuss the subtext.

For this to be actually funny we would have to assume two things:

a) Playing with chiffon could be a sign of your sexual orientation

b) Being gay is a concern

(You will have to trust me that due to the delivery of this comment there was no question as to what was being inferred)

I can assure you that this comment was categorically not meant offensively but it is comments like this that highlight how heteronormative society is. Even some of the nicest people are subconsciously programmed to believe in a non-existent normal.

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Don’t kiss the bride!

My girlfriend and I were invited to a wedding by my old boss. We were just attending the evening session as we weren’t that close to the newly weds. In fact we had never met the bride before.

When we arrived we spent most of the time at the bar; firstly because that’s where they store the alcohol and secondly because we didn’t really know anyone.

As the night went on and the ‘disco’ started my girlfriend and I made our way to the dance floor. Apparently the rest of the wedding party weren’t up for ‘throwing shapes’ as it was just us and the bride and groom for most of the evening.

We ended up being pretty much the last ones there and eventually the music had to stop and everyone made their way to the door. As is customary, we gave a last round of congratulations and a hug goodbye. Only when I leaned in to hug the bride farewell she said...

‘Don’t try and kiss me’

I wonder if she said that to all the guests?

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Hint Hint

My girlfriend and I were recently thinking of moving, we browsed rentals online, and then I arranged a viewing of a house we liked. I discussed with the estate agent over the phone what we were looking for (a one bed) and gave our names. It was pretty clear that we would be living together, we are both female, and would be sharing a bed, HINT.

We arrived at the viewing the next day and the agent shook my hand and introduced herself. It wasn’t the person I’d spoken to on the phone and clearly our details hadn’t been communicated. She asked my girlfriend if she was just coming along for support, slightly taken aback, she nodded along, OOPS.

We looked around the house, downstairs first, nice sized lounge, comfy sofa. Good sized kitchen, maybe slightly bigger than our current one. The whole time I made an effort to use the words WE and OUR when comparing the house to our current flat, HINT.

We thought we’d made it pretty clear at this point what our living situation and relationship status was. However, as we made our way upstairs the agent turned to me and asked...

‘So are you moving in with your boyfriend?’

I then had to point out that we were a couple, it was awkward for everyone involved.

Top Tip: Don’t assume everyone is straight.

[enoughtohold]

they had to put “bff” on her shirt so we’d know this wasn’t gay coffee

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They’re absolutely gay, her bff is coffee

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Um excuse me a flannel and a beanie??? Sorry ladies that’s gay

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Okay

Telling me you’re okay with ‘it’ only shows me that you think there is something to be okay with.

I didn’t ask if you were okay with my being gay.