Puer odio omnibus

Ashodio | They/Them | ace | vent sideblog | please don't report me, if you're uncomfortable with my content, please block me. | ask to tag | everything is okay to reblog unless tagged otherwise | I'll probably talk to you if you DM me, I don't mind. just might take a bit for me to see the notif. | I DO NOT PROMOTE MY OWN ACTIONS TO OTHERS OR SEEK TO GLORIFY ANY FORM OF SELF HARM OR DESTRUCTION. THIS IS SIMPLY A WAY FOR ME TO EXPRESS MY OWN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

I think, whats worse than any depression, anxiety, stress, ect. is if nobody around you gives a shit.

If youre barely getting yourself out of bed in the morning and all you hear is "Thats not enough."

If youre so worn out you cant even take care of yourself and the only reaction from others is "Thats disgusting."

When you want to sleep all day because every waking moment is suffering and all anyone has to say is "You need to do more work."

Thats worse than anything else you could ever go through. It's genuinely traumatic.

[desnos]

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

i know im a toxic friend, and i know i'm not Good To Be Around but fuck it hurts. i hate being like this. and i Know i just shouldn't have friends bc im not even Trying to be a better person and i've TRIED to say that to them but they won't listen because they think i'm a good person and that im just being self depricating. i'm being a fucking parasite not trying to leave like i know i should, i'm hurting them and they just ignore it or don't notice, and i know i need to do more to either fix it or make them see but. i'm not. i just let them be nice to me and i keep being toxic.

why can't i just fucking stop.

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

mmmmmmwe love being absolutely fucking useless for an entire month and a half and dont even come at me with that "your worth isnt determined by your usefulness" there is a limit to where i'm becoming enough of a physical and mental burden to enough people via my inaction that it doesnt even fucking matter anymore

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

CAN I STOP BEING A DEPRESSED ASSHOLE. FOR LITTERALLY 5 FUCKING SECONDS.

every single conversation I've had in the past few days has near instantly devolved into me being a depressing peice of shit and making my friends struggle over trying to make me feel better and i HATE IT. i hate being like this. im such a fucking asshole. why can't i just shut the fuck up goddamnit. i need to just fuck off and isolate myself until i can actually PRETEND to be somewhat of a good person again. fuck.

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

i know im a toxic friend, and i know i'm not Good To Be Around but fuck it hurts. i hate being like this. and i Know i just shouldn't have friends bc im not even Trying to be a better person and i've TRIED to say that to them but they won't listen because they think i'm a good person and that im just being self depricating. i'm being a fucking parasite not trying to leave like i know i should, i'm hurting them and they just ignore it or don't notice, and i know i need to do more to either fix it or make them see but. i'm not. i just let them be nice to me and i keep being toxic.

why can't i just fucking stop.

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so fucking sorry i know i've fucked up i know i've hurt you and i keep doing the same thing over and over, you forgive me (or at least you say you do) but i don't deserve forgiveness im still a terrible fucking person for what im doing and even though it doesnt fix anything i'm so, so sorry. i don't know why you stay. you shouldn't. i love you. i'm sorry. why don't you hate me yet.

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

i feel so fucking revolting rn. i want to throw up just thinking about how disgusting i am.

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

i want to say goodbye in case i go off the deep end but i dont want you to worry about me.

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

me: man im tired i deserve a lil nap-

depression: do you really deserve a nap? why? you've done barely anything all fucking day. you should be working.

me: well yeah but, i can't-

depression: and look, your friends are ignoring you, you must have upset them somehow.

me: oh i didn't notice... maybe theyre just busy?

depression: you upset them AND you didnt even notice?? wow you're being a terrible friend.

me: oh...

depression: they're probably so fucking angry at you they hate you because you dont even care, you just whine at them when you're sad and make them pay attention to you to make you feel better.

me: yeah... i should apologize...

depression: NO. you'll just guilt trip them for ignoring you because you're a fucking manipulative asshole. you need to sh instead. make up for it without upsetting them more.

me: yeah... i'll do that instead...

/later/

depression: god why did you have to self harm again you're just trying to get attention pretending to be like people who are Actually depressed and need help. fucking disgusting how fucking dare you.

me: :/

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

i'm a paper shell with puppet strings. there is no me i don't exist. i'm impermanent, useless, and easily forgettable. walk away, theres nothing here for you.

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

god ive not been okay in so long, i don't think i even know what it feels like anymore.

[d3ad-but-st1ll-al1v3-deactivate]

🤪😅😂

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

do you ever think about me? have you forgotten? do i ever cross your mind even for a second?

i meant so little to you, but to me you meant so much. you were all that i had, but you had so much better. i know i'm all too easy to leave behind when i become more trouble than i'm worth.

and i am quite the burden.

i'm sorry i kept trying for so long, i knew you had left but i held onto hope. i told you before i would be okay if you wanted to leave, i was lying. if i hadn't said anything, would you have stayed?

why did you say you wouldn't then.

i still miss you.

i love you.

im sorry.

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

we full force back in escapism and depersonalization fantasies where i wither and rot forgotten and alone 😊💖✌

[thatwhichtimeforgot]

fuck it hurts SO MUCH when a conversation dies immidiately after you admit to another fucking self harm episode like. if it's not me venting abt smthn the love is immidiate and consistent and it's all oh it's okay i'll give you a hug u deserve better but then when i'm upset abt something the convo just. one or two empty ilys then it dies instantly. they stop talking immidiately. and thats fair like it's absolutely understandable bc i am just. near constantly negative. tbh i'm suprised i haven't been kicked out of the group chat yet and lost those friends as well, i'm just so fucking whiney and depressing. it makes sense that since i'm always upset abt smthn that they just. stop caring abt it like thats completely understandable but God does it hurt. it hurts so fucking bad.

[hellishbpd]

Don’t y'all hate it when your brain screams at you saying that you’re a terrible rotten person and that you don’t deserve anything good so you end up self sabotaging and destructing because you believe it. Big mood