Alyss

Sometimes my demons write, other times I do --- momamomami

[thatpainter-blog]

Why am i working so hard for school that my art is repressed and i develop bad habits just to be an honor student when every other honor student is chillin in their comfortable beds in which where they dedicate their stupid weekend to facebook and shit because they have all the time in the world and I here can’t even find the time to draw and improve myself in which fields I am passionate about and they THEY get to not have these worries on their shoulders and They don’t get to sleep wishing they don’t wake up or go into some sort of coma and they are liked by everybody without effort whilst i am a horrible mess of hair undone and rugged face and and why do they get to ENJOY high school and not have horrid memories of self-harm and self-destruction and why do THEY get to have friends flocking them when they’re tired and weary and in need while I faced all my struggles alone so far but hey I’m still alive i haven’t killed myself and I’m not going to because my art is so lonely being trapped inside a person and I’m strong I’m strong I’m strong I’m strong enough to get through another wave of this shit because all the times I skipped meals taught me that I like food and all the times I skipped sleep taught me that I need it and all the times I was alone screamed that I have myself and that’s okay I’m a product in development when they get to face hurricanes in the future they’re going to be weak and i, i won’t even see them as hurricanes anymore they’re mountains i’ve passed through, familiar and tilled with all the effort and tears of a fifteen year old wrecked girl who dug and dug her grave then realised that what she’s digging was not for her never was never will be and they can suck they’re baby thumbs when everything comes crashing down for them when I have played with boulders trying to crush me everyday and every single day I managed to win and all these boulders that crashed along will be built someday as a castle and all the things that once tried to destroy me will someday become my weapon and I will get through this even if I had to do so all alone. They can rest their head on my heart as if it were a pillow but it’s a foe, a fiend for inside of it is every harsh thing life has spit on me.

[thatwordsmith]

With The Goodbyes of Childhood

Life is full of decisions but I'm tired of it You decide if you want to get out of The comfort of the warm sheets Out in the touch of scorching sunlight That lost its gentleness With the goodbyes of childhood You decide if you are willing enough To put food in your mouth Food that started to be a bother When they stopped being served By mother, long gone With the goodbyes of childhood You decide if you are ready to endure The wretched tasks appointed in school To deprive you of stability In mind, spirit and emotion The fun of learning that disappeared With the goodbyes of childhood You decide if you respond To the false accusations that plague You and who you really are You try to stay the same but your halo Has already been shattered With the goodbyes of childhood You decide if it's worth continuing This soft cemented path, still wet And trapping you in You decide if it's worth continuing When all that left is also abandoned And all that comes is bound to leave You decide, and decide and decide Watching it all fade away like memory With the goodbyes of childhood -momamomami

[thatwordsmith]

I'm afraid I've been feeling so deeply, that it may be so limitless, or become so limited.

[thatwordsmith]

I feel really bad

[thatwordsmith]

No one deserves to feel the crippling torture of being alone.

[thatwordsmith]

I’m soft and delusional and that’s bad

[thatwordsmith]

It dawns when you smile pretty girl.

momamomami // so do that often

[thatwordsmith]

Reading a book is living another life, for a while.

momamomami

[thatwordsmith]

I've bled so much, but not enough.

momamomami // i wish it was i wish it was 

[thatwordsmith]

Her love bursted among the flames that devoured it.

momamomami // and she knew it will be the last time

[thatwordsmith]

praying for the day

when I can be left alone 

with my delusions and fantasies

[thatwordsmith]

you

wrecked memories

and hopes 

of salvation

you

[thatwordsmith]

Keep trying

[thatwordsmith]

I hope all the pain that engulfs you, even the tinniest ant bite you never notice, goes away and becomes forgiven.

[thatwordsmith]

Constantly wondering when there’ll be someone for me

[thatwordsmith]

Little by little, it’s coming back

bye bye bye 

come back soon

[thatwordsmith]

unrealistic concept: me laying in bed with my worn out oversized sweater, tired of all the days I spent wearing it, and him laying face down, burying his face on the pillows while his arms encircles my waist and him asking me, muffled: “what did i ever do to deserve you?”

and i silently whisper: “I ask that myself too.”