Diary of a Neurodivergent Ballerina

Pros and woes of life as a dancer, technique tips, and miscellaneous dance-related things.

[the-autistic-ballerina]

Practicing that Esmeralda variation with a dinner plate instead of a tambourine so as not to disturb my roommates 😆

[the-autistic-ballerina]

Big announcement!

Earlier this year I made the decision to try for a professional ballet contract again!

It's a terrible idea. I have so much going against me. I'm probably not going to get any offers. But for the sake of 80-year-old future me who can't dance anymore, I have to at least try.

Anyway, just thought I'd share the news ☺️

[the-autistic-ballerina]

More dancing with dyspraxia things

Stand on the quarter mark. Nope, I'm off by a foot. Oops, I missed the quarter mark again. Why can I not stand on the quarter mark??!?!

Accidentally kicking/smacking/running over people

CAN'T STOP MY ANKLES FROM WOBBLING

FALLING OFF POINTE!!! CONSTANTLY!!!

I took a week off and now my feet can't remember what a waltz turn is

Can easily spot myself in the corps the ballet video because I'm the one who moves weird

Not being able to apply corrections immediately. It takes days or weeks of retraining. (And teachers never seem to understand.)

Picking up choreography just doesn't come naturally

But once you finally have that choreo/correction in your body, you have it down cold, forwards and backwards, because you've practiced it so many times. And it feels glorious ☺️

[the-autistic-ballerina]

It's not lazy! It's a motif!

-choreographer, to themself, justifying repeating the same three phrases for three minutes

[the-autistic-ballerina]

Dancing with dyspraxia be like

Body: hey boss. sorry, but the arm coordination you ordered is a no-go

me: wat

me: what do you mean

me: you did it last night

body: that was last night. today we forgot how arms work

me: ...

me: but this petit allegro--

body: *angry sigh* I SAAAAIIID ur getting the Musicality-Free Floppy Elbow Special(tm). no takesies-backsies.

me: WHY

[the-autistic-ballerina]

Love me some good last minute shoe surgery fifteen minutes before I have to be on stage 😒

[the-autistic-ballerina]

I have a teacher who regularly has us pique into a very low arabesque (like degages height at most) to practice getting onto our standing leg. It's been helpful. It really forces you to pay attention to whether you're actually using your hamstrings. Highly recommend doing a few between barre and center.

[the-autistic-ballerina]

I had a dream the other night that I was rehearsing the vision scene with a bunch of dancers who had never done it before and they all knew it better than me 😭😭

[the-autistic-ballerina]

Me wearing new pointe shoes:

[the-autistic-ballerina]

I had a pointe shoe fitting the other day because I don't like how my current shoes look on my feet (I have nice arches but these concrete bricks do me no favors). I tried on like 15 pairs of shoes, but in the end the pointe shoe fitter looked at me wearily and said, "I think you're stuck in these."

So...meh.

They did get me a softer shank, though. Hopefully that'll help.

[the-autistic-ballerina]

We have a guest teacher in to talk about acting and she's having everyone come up with names and backstories for their Sleeping Beauty character, especially the ensemble dancers. As a writer, I am so into this.

[the-autistic-ballerina]

Most people were like, "hi I'm a peasant and I'm here to celebrate the birth of the princess," but shout out to the kid who gave her character a French accent and said she was a duchess from a faraway land who was there to gift the princess a Persian cat. Like YESSSS girl, you understand the assignment!

[the-autistic-ballerina]

We have a guest teacher in to talk about acting and she's having everyone come up with names and backstories for their Sleeping Beauty character, especially the ensemble dancers. As a writer, I am so into this.

[the-autistic-ballerina]

I got cast in another quick, bouncy role this year, and on the one hand that's what I'm good at but on the other...I'm getting too old for this nonsense, man 😭

[the-autistic-ballerina]

I'm moving to a new apartment, and I had a heavy box of kitchen stuff that I could barely lift, so I took stuff out. But I had to bring that extra stuff in somehow. So that's how I ended up stuffing a 5-pound bag of pancake mix in my dance bag.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is, dancers, what's your biggest dance bag essential?

[the-autistic-ballerina]

I feel like every pre-professional dancer knows the trick to making their shoes bend Like That without falling off their box, except for me, and I'm too awkward to ask

[the-autistic-ballerina]

Front view from my competition performance 😁

I look wobbly as heck, lol. The turns and balances were pretty fire, though, I gotta say

[the-autistic-ballerina]

Today the ballet teacher decided to skip center work all together and teach us Giselle's act 1 variation instead, which was awesome because I've never done it before. It was a ton of fun and a great challenge, and he gave excellent feedback.

He's the best. I wish he taught more often.