@the-better-lestrange

if i look back, i am lost

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@the-better-lestrange
Dorcas put her hand down at her partner’s insistence then shot him a glare as he got her reasoning wrong! “That’s not my question!” She protested. “I was wondering if there were any solid leads as everyone and their mums have been claiming to have sighted the target!” She took a deep breath before hissing a “Godric, you’re annoying” at Rodolphus.
Rodolphus’ eyes blazed with annoyance. “That’s what the case file is for Meadowes.” He seethed. He held up the file and then tugged her by the elbow away from the head of the department. As soon as they were out of earshot he flipped open the folder, eyes quickly skimming the report.
“There’s your answer.” He said, tapping at the small stack of parchment in front of him. “Right there. I’m only annoying because I’m right.”
Partners in Pain || Doe&Rod
Well, this had started off better than Dorcas had expected. He hadn’t hexed her or called her a ‘mudblood‘ upon first sight so Doe considered this a mild success so far. She was thanking her lucky stars but wasn’t about to count chickens just yet. She wondered what ‘Oh’ meant but didn’t feel like asking. She wanted to survive this partnership. Seeing him made her think of Bellatrix Miss Black, or, rather, Mrs. Lestrange now? She wasn’t sure. She did know that the two of them were a thing and she was terrified of her. Rodolphus less so. She respected the man’s power, but the older witch certainly held more power than he did.
“Looks like it.” She responded lamely. Realizing this, she thrust her hand forward to shake and plastered a smile onto her face. “Dorcas Meadowes, I look forward to working with you.”
Rodolphus glanced down at handshake she put forward. It took a lot out of him not explain that he’d rather not start his day off touching a mudblood. Instead, he just nodded once.
“Well that makes one of us.”
He sat back behind his desk and pulled the debriefing parchment towards him. There was a seat at the other end of the his desk, but he wasn’t exactly about to offer it to her.
Without looking up for the memo, he spoke to her. “I suppose I am to be your FTO. Obviously some interaction is… unavoidable,” The sneer in his voice was clear. “But I prefer to keep it to a minimum.”
Then he glanced up at her, but only so that he could grab a quill and sign off on the paperwork.
“The last person who had your job died, and the amount of paperwork as a result was more than I cared for. So try not to, you know, meet the same fate.”
That said, Rodolphus had no intention of slowing down or speeding up the process. He noted that Dorcas seemed flighty enough to make the same stupid mistakes as his last colleague.
“I have younger brothers. I don’t have to look.”
“If that were the case, I would be a lot more thankful for Rabastan.”
He nodded at her painting.
“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you paint.”
What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Merry Christmas Rodolphus,
So I know we don’t really get each other gifts because we’re coworkers and that seems weird but I simply couldn’t help myself when I saw these cufflinks. They just seemed like a good gift and I hope they at least make you slightly less of a Debbie Downer.
Sincerely,
Dorcas Meadowes
BELLATRIX:
Always so clear, she knew how to ask for what she wanted, and now here she was, mumbling like someone who didn’t know, and she looked at him with cold eyes, her hand that had been on his chest retracting as if he were something that burned her. She turned, pacing about the room as her jaw tightened and relaxed, a hand running through her now blonde locks, as she tried not to scream, not to yell, to remain composed, and yet she couldn’t, Bellatrix wasn’t some drizzle or storm, she was a damn hurricane of a woman. The apocalypse itself. “You, it’s all you,” She began as she kept pacing. “I can’t, blame it on my sister getting married, falling in love so quickly, being pregnant so quickly, having the perfect life, the perfect look, the beauty and grace and talent with words, or Andromeda,” She said as she looked at him, “And oh yes I’ll say her name and blame her too, because she gets to run off, betray her blood and family and gets to have love and family, a daughter and loving husband and job,” She said as her words came out like poison, anger and confusion as her tone began to raise with each word. “And what am I stuck as? The crazed sister, the violent one, the one with the husband so focused on the Dark Lord he didn’t even notice his wife was pregnant, or worse, that she lost the child before she could even make sure of it,” She snapped as her pacing became more into stomping, as the hurricane became lit on fire, as she was selfish and rude blaming him for what she wasn’t sure. “So busy with his little toy, Dorcas, oh don’t think I haven’t noticed,” she said as she pointed to him. “The Dark Lord is our cause, our mission, but surely not all our lives, you want what he wants but other than that we know you owe no respect to him, you want power and a kingdom, but what for? What with? If you can’t even keep a home?” She snapped as her movements became more violent and she grabbed onto the first vase she could find and threw it at him. “Why?! Huh?! Why can’t you love me? Why can’t that be enough? Cursed on this existence, being the odd sister out, unloved, childless, and mad? Not normal, just odd, even Sirius! Sirius has love and a coming child! Regulus has love! I’m the only cursed one!” She said as she kept finding new things to throw, at him, at the ground, at the walls, her breathing hitching up as it turned into sobs of anger rather than sadness, she wanted to set the world on fire as she asked why, why she was this way, the Manor was lucky she’d been too occupied to grab her wand from her pocket and resolved to breaking things instead, who cared anyways? She was just as broken as them.
Bellatrix was spiraling. Her arguments turned childlike and this was only further proved when she threw the vase at him. Rodolphus considered riding this hurricane out in the safest place to be during such a tempest - at the eye. Wouldn’t it be easy to walk up to her and take her in his arms and hold her and tell everything was going to be okay?
Is that what you were supposed to do when you were in love? And if Rodolphus did those things would it be the imitation of love or would it be the real thing?
Rodolphus never made it to the eye of said hurricane. Instead, he got swept away in the whirlwind of information thrown at him. He wanted to piece through it, address each bit. He recognized most of it as emotional drivel, but there were honest stings amidst it all. There was talk of Dorcas, there was talk of a child, and there was talk of love. Love. Ultimately, that what it all came down to. What was he supposed to say to all of this?
What was he to say when she asked why he couldn’t love her? Especially when she knew whole-heartedly that he just… couldn’t. He was broken like that. ‘Hellish,’ even, if he was to use the words of Dostoevsky. Despite her will and despite her might, this was not something Bellatrix could force out of him. Bellatrix couldn’t force a monster to have a soul.
The more she talked, the more Rodolphus became like a fortress; boarding up the walls to his heart and his mind. He was surprised how easily he fell into the rhythm of it. It was a thing he did when he was young and his father went for the belt. Ride it out, let it happen, pick up the pieces after. He supposed it was appropriate that this conversation was happening in the manor that used to be his father’s. Apparently some ghosts never left certain spaces.
As Bellatrix continued, Rodolphus only retreated further into himself. He thought about the child she spoke about. The one he had apparently missed completely. The one she had chosen to keep from him. Honestly, it was probably for the best. A child. Him a father. His own flesh and blood. What if it had been a girl? Rodolphus couldn’t even imagine. It would have been just like killing a part of himself truly. His heart tightened at the thought and Rodolphus refused to dwell on it and the mortality of his legacy any longer.
Bellatrix kept on destroying the manor as if the love she so desperately sought was hidden somewhere within its walls. And Rodolphus? Rodolphus just couldn’t understand. This was the way their marriage had always been and it’s the way it would always be. Why this? Why now? He wasn’t an alcoholic, he didn’t mistreat or hit her, he supported her in whatever she chose to do… and yet.... here they were. Bellatrix could have the love of literally anyone else. He’d never kept her from having her conquests because he knew he couldn’t provide her with this one thing she so desperately wanted. So why did she need his love? Was it simply because it was the one thing she couldn’t have? Was this nothing more than the tantrum of a spoilt child?
Another vase hit the wall behind him and Rodolphus felt himself following that all too familiar pattern.
Ride it out.
Let it happen.
Pick up the pieces after.
He was fifteen when he’d last said this to himself. And he’d spent that night in a cabinet. Who thought he’d be needing those words again now?
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What? It’s strategic.
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“I don’t,” She said, but she didn’t want to explain, didn’t want to tell him she wanted to look more beautiful for… someone else. Not that she knew if it mattered, if he’d care.
She wondered if he understood, that the distance was something new, something she never thought would happen, not something she kept out of fear, out of dislike or disgust, but rather out of knowing that what she wanted was something he couldn’t give her. “Don’t,” She said softly, thought her voice was stern, she hated when he pushed her away - and that she was, selfish and unfair, wanting him all for herself while she took lovers, wanting him to love her while she fell for someone else, wanting honesty when she couldn’t provide it.
“Rodolphus why are you married to me?” She asked suddenly, and she didn’t know why, but she wanted to know - why? Why had he married? Why her? Why when he showed her so much care with so little emotion, it made her feel… confused.
It was late and yet Rodolphus knew that if he were to fall into bed right now, his mind would pay no heed to the weariness of his body and he’d toss and turn for the rest of the night.
Despite her ‘Don’t’ he kept the space between. After all, she was the one who had driven him there.
Rodolphus knew why he had married Bellatrix and he was certain she knew too. But Bellatrix’s question was not about that. Her question came with underlying implications and Rodolphus just wanted his wife to be straight with him. Now more than ever.
“You know that’s not the question you want to ask me Bellatrix. You should just ask me what you really want to ask me.”
Why was Bellatrix doing this? Pushing this topic into the light? What had happened that she felt now was the appropriate time to dissect where they stood.
Why couldn’t it just be him, her, and the Lord’s work?
Why wasn’t that enough?
Why was that never enough?
two men in love // the irrepressibles
@the-better-lestrange
He’s toxic. His smile will poison you. His boyish charm dangerous. The glint in his eyes as he challenges you to do something devious is lethal.
(via hellothisistruth)
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(via grxcefulgazelle)
As Rodolphus tugged closer, Bellatrix smiled slightly, but she definitely left some space between them. She couldn’t help it, two weeks away her husband had been, two weeks where she had attended a wedding, and spent them with her own lover, Joseph, and now he came to mind and… “Makes me look like a madwoman at times,” She said as she placed a hand on his chest, both to comfort and to keep him the distance he was at. “Never mind, I’ll fix it in the morning, come, we’ll get you to bed, would you like me to get you some supper? Tea? Rum?”
“Never believed you were one to care whether or not people thought you were mad.”
And there it was - he noticed the distance she was keeping. Ah right. That. He couldn’t blame her he supposed. I’d keep my distance from me too if I were you. It was a thing he just knew to do instinctively at this point. He knew Bella had her lovers, but this measured distance was also new. Actually. No. Not really. That had always been there. In his sleepy state he had just forgotten. Rodolphus took a step back and ran his palms over his eyes. Somewhere further in the manor, the grandfather clock struck, but Rodolphus didn’t give enough of a fuck to actually count the chimes. More than two less than five. Close enough.
“I’ll manage without. I just need a bed. I just want - ” What? Again, he couldn’t put his finger on it, so Rodolphus just pushed it aside completely. Still, he felt compelled to add:
“You know, you didn’t have to wait up for me. We’re past that Bellatrix.”
darkest-of-blacks:
“Just to make it look nicer,” She said as she took her blonde lock back and grinned at him. “Is it bad to treat myself now and then? It had so much dry blood I wanted to make it silky again, not a tangled mess.”
“Hmm,” He said and his hand dropped down to her waist to tug her a bit closer. Rodolphus could adapt to change, there was no way he’d be nearly as good of a dueler if he couldn’t. But it didn’t mean he had to like change. And that was the truth - Rodolphus liked the way things were Bellatrix. It felt odd coming home to something different. He didn’t give it much thought though.Two weeks of traveling had left him little bone weary. He was sorely tempted to just lean forward and rest his forehead against hers. He didn’t. He was sure that if he did, he would probably fall asleep standing right there.
“Not at all. I just like it a little wild, it suits you.”
BELLA:
“Funny,” She said clearly upset by losing her dark black locks. “I was trying to make it look more… tame… I grabbed the wrong potion.”
Rodolphus reached forward to take a blond lock between his fingers. He twirled it there. It was an easy enough fix.
“Tame?” He said and he cocked his head at that. The wry humor gave way to a bit of genuine confusion. “But why?”