Lucas

i write poems here instead of dying, undiagnosed but as you can see, something is clearly wrong with me. guess my age lmao {he/him}

[the-creatured]

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A collection of poems I wrote instead od choosing an early ending, #19

I'm it

I'm here

It's working

Whatever I did

Whatever I'm doing

I'm somebody's best friend

I'm locked in in my relationship

I'm feeling pretty decent(?) about myself

But I still feel a hole

Despite life improving in front of me

I feel empty

I feel disgusted

I feel insane

I feel hollow almost

Which isn't fair

I figured it out?

Right?

I'm not as lonely now

I got my dad back

My boyfriend is healing too

My mom is gaining her autonomy back

I'm going places

It's my last year as a student

Until college but

I did it

At 13 years old

I never would've imagined I made it past 9th grade

Here I am

9 months from a grad cap

What is wrong with me?

I figured out recently it may not be autism

Not in whole

I think I have more of my father's OCD than I ever thought

I am scared

I have scary thoughts

I want to die but

Yet I ache to live and to grow old

I know I will be in pain

Who cares (that is my curse)

A life with the man I love

A career doing what I love

My family is mine again

Me and my oldest friend are close again

And I'm not satisfied?

But I'm more complete than I've ever been

Something is missing

And I don't know what

What do I not have anymore

You

I know you're gonna read this

It's not you

It can't be

You are important but

I didn't think THIS much?

You were my friend

And I figured my shit out

But it's still so hard to get through the days

It's not you

Is it?

I promise I'm sober as I write this

Idk what's wrong with me

I have it all

Except YOU

But I had to do that

You know I did

Or else the cycle would've gone again

This isn't abt you

Or else I would've put it in the other collection

Right?

What's wrong with me

There's something rotten and ugly in my mind

I can't get enough

I have all I wanted

It's not enough

I can't run far enough away from myself

I can only think about things for so long

Before I start to hate myself for what I did

Every action in my life

Every choice I made

It wasn't the perfect choice

Nothing ever was

Nothing is perfect

Nature isn't perfect

Am I closer to machine than I am earth?

Am I closer to the divine than I am the terran?

Have the trees forsaken me for what I did?

I can show my devotion to the Earth only so much

It's gonna be my life's work

Is that not enough?

What more atonement do I need to do?

What kneeling have I not already commited to?

The feathers from their wings fall on my shoulders no more

The leaves have stained my back and given me false flight

I can't pray enough to get them off

Can you burn them off for me?

Don't mind the flesh

It's rotting anyways

I'm already a corpse

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[the-creatured]

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A collection of poems he may never read, #22

Oh my sweet boy

You are such a hurt child

You wanted different

You wanted out

But not like this

And I am so sorry I cannot do more

I know they will step up for you

They already have

You are safe now

I can't wait to see who you bloom into now that you're away

Goddess boy of mine

You say such sweet and vulnerable things to me

I'm sorry your mind is hell to you sometimes

I'm here

I am safe

I promise I will never leave you

All that changes for me is I'm visiting a different house

One I can actually go to

Meet who you care for

Meet our daughter Feyra

We're so similar

Our lives

Behave like each others

Something happens to me it happens to you

Do you notice that?

Is it coincidence?

Is it a tie between us?

Even through everything I've got going on

I stay up each night

Saying sweet things to my handsome boy

You call me baby and I melt

You call me cute and I'm red

You tell me I'm sweet and pretty

And I just want to run to you

Bury my face into your chest

And smile because I know I am safe

I hope you know when I call you handsome

Each new photo of you I see

I mean it

I memorize more of your face each time

When I think I've mapped all the stories and constellations in your eyes

You smile and show me you can sparkle more

I hope we can enjoy life together

You've never seen fireflies?

I know exactly where to take you

Missed out on a lot of childhood experiences?

I got you baby

I promise

We'll make up for our lost time

Both as children

And the time we have now

You say things that make me think people don't truly care for you

It breaks my heart

Of course I'm willing to be here for you

Love you unconditionally

Take care of you

Do everything you'd love to do

I embrace whoever you are when you wake up

If you are ever in danger

I will do all I can to save you

In any way

I promise

We are both so strong

And we lift each other up so well

You are my love

Mi sol

My prince

My sir

My everything

You are home

And I can't wait to one day build around you

And have our own roof together

It'll take some time

With what we've both gone through

We can do this

I love you

Yesterday today, tomorrow,

For all time, always.

Your sweet boy<3

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[the-creatured]

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A collection of poems I wrote instead of choosing an early ending, #18

I'm gonna die like this

I can't keep breaking down

I weigh nothing

There's a constant shake in my body

I'm so sick at the smell of any food

Everything is hostile

I'm gonna die like this

I'm gonna hand my father that letter

And he's not gonna care

He never did

I'm not his kid

He doesn't care

Not about my thoughts or my feelings

He wants to control me

Why do I think a letter will change anything

Breaking down in front of him did nothing

He did not hug me

He did not look at me with soft eyes

He held no remorse

Just harsh eyes

A set jaw

And a need to be right

He never apologized

Not correctly

"I'm sorry you were upset by that."

Not "what I said"

Not "I'm sorry I upset you"

I can't survive another year

The only way I could is with medical help

But we have no money for my sickness

I get to rot inside my own body

Wither and become a stick

Be asked if I'm starving myself for attention

He's not seeing on purpose

Where did you go, dad?

I had a goofy wonderful silly father

I blinked

And you were gone

Now you're a relapsed alcoholic shell

I love you, dad

Why do I disgust you?

I'm still your kid

Please

I don't want you to hate me

I'm a good person

I swear

But you wouldn't know that

You don't know me

You're a jerk

But you're my dad

And I love you.

And I'm sorry.

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[the-creatured]

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A collection of poems I wrote instead of choosing an early ending, #17

You know whats hilarious

Hope

I keep having it

And guess what life does

Shoots me in the fucking leg and leaves me to bleed out

Till I stand back up and start walking again

I js get shot again

Honestly it's useless

But who am I without my hope?

Hm?

Dead that's what I am

I knew dad drinking again wouldn't end well

And ofc it didn't wow who knew

I can't say shit about sobriety

Except I can now

I'm not doing ts ever again

I don't care how much pain I'm in anymore

I refuse to let this be so attached to me

Whoever else struggles with addiction

I see you

And I know what it's like and it's not helping as much as you think it is

It's so funny when people randomly check on you

And then forget to read your reply till you text them again

Honestly what did I expect

No hate to them

Everyone's busy

Everyone is entitled to their own time and their own lives

I blame nobody but myself for all of this

For isn't it my own goodness that has trapped me here?

The same so called goodness that left me alone?

The same goodness people admire in me

It's always an arms length distance and never a hug

I actually side hugged my mom today

First time in a while

I liked it

But after hearing their fight tonight

And what she said about me, again

I don't wanna touch her again

Isn't it actually really funny

How everytime I think things are getting better

And they do for a while too that's the crazy part

That something has to happen

Js to remind me I'm still a stupid piece of shit

And that's what my parents think too

I talked to my therapist yesterday and told her everything

And she didn't have anything for me

Besides so much pity

The way she looked at me

As if she knew I couldn't be saved

All she could say to me was sorry again and again and tell me

"The only way out is through"

Which is such bullshit

But she probably isn't capable of handling me

I don't wanna go through CPS

I can't be in that system

I can't

No family would like me either way

But I wouldn't survive it

What sucks the most tbh is it's a night where everyone is busy

So honestly this is all I have

I might js force myself to go to sleep early

Knock myself out with some benedryl

Or else the insomnia will get me again

And if I spend one more night watching the sun rise

I might lose my shit

Idk what to do

I get to wait till school starts

And even that has it's own difficulties

I don't wanna live here anymore

I'm so done with EVERYTHING

I don't know what more I can take

And dad's gonna talk to me tomorrow

And I'm so scared

Of losing my shit and getting thrown out or hit

I couldn't survive either

I'll js stone face him

Js nod and smile and tell him what he wants to hear

That'll buy me more months of fake peace

Till the next time this happens

I never want to touch a substance again

It took both of my parents away from me and it continues to rot both of them

I'm sorry for everything and anyone I've hurt I don't know what to do anymore

But what do I know

Aren't I js a dramatic and stupid teen?

I hope to any Gods listening I can survive another year

I just want out of this house

I just wanna be happy again

At least as a little kid conflict was solved with an apology written on paper slid under their door

And all would be fine again

But I js wasn't aware then

Was there ever peace in my life?

Or did I only js now notice how volitile it's always been?

But heyyyy

At least I have family Star Trek time

And it's chore day tomorrow

What a lovely combination

I couldn't hope for a better life.

Could you?

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[that-willowtree]

Did you know Hannibal is coming to Netflix on the 27th

SHUT UP UR JOKING

[the-creatured]

I'm gonna watch it btw, I've been stuck rewatching Bojack so many times recently which I don't doubt will continue but I wanna watch Hannibal.

[the-creatured]

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A collection of poems I wrote instead of choosing an early ending, #16

Everything is fake

It's all carboard

styrofoam

thin plastic

My trust for people

gone

My bonds with peers

faded

My familial relationships

False and threadbare

There's nothing for me anymore

I keep seeing things I shouldn't

And keeping it to myself

Because bringing it up would cause more issues

I don't deserve peace anyways

I'm rotten

rotting

Can I rot in your arms?

Dear readers

I know I'm talking to myself

People don't rlly read these

But someone will someday

Whoever you are

Can you save me?

Can I rot in your arms?

Will you hold me even as the smell of my corpse makes you gag

And there's nothing appealing to look at anymore?

When I can no longer talk sweetly to convince you I am worthy of care

I'm not

Could you love someone like me?

Someone sick

Someone who doesn't deserve your love

Someone who loves you so hard so fully

You dont think you deserve my love

And instead of me falling apart because I dont think I deserve it either

No I make it hard

I convince you you are worthy of it

And you stay

But you dont say anything back

You convince with actions not words

But if my favorite sound is your voice

And your actions feels fake because I see betrayal

I have tasted it from you before

I see it again

I stay silent

I've allowed resentment to build

Telling myself it's nothing

You whisper such sweet things about a future to me

Yet you don't ever show me off

I'm a disgrace

I am ill

I am not ideal

I make you feel so good though don't I

I make everyone feel good

I can't tell if I'm loving people or convincing them not to leave me later on

Whoever you are

I love you

Please don't leave me

I know I'm sick I'm sorry I'm trying to get better

I promise

There's no cure though

If you choose me

You will see me suffer

Can you handle it?

I've only known one person who could

And he's gone

My lovely boyfriend

You are strong

But you betrayed me

You say such sweet things to me

But I see things

And I stay quiet

Because I love you

And I'm scared

And I'm sorry

And I don't know what to do now

I never thought I'd be as lonely as I was in elementary again

But here we are

Crying on my floor begging for him to grow a little more

He's already gotten so far

Please

I can't lose him too

If I lose him

Idk what I'd do

I hate my stupid fucking smile

And I just want to be able to be happy again and not worry if I'm pretty enough for someone

Am I?

Am I beautiful?

Mom?

Are you there?

Are you proud of me?

If it wasn't too late I'd ask you to get off the pills

But there's a chunk of you missing isn't there

Smth you'll never get back

I ask again

Am I beautiful mom?

Will you brush my short hair and tell me you love me?

Will dad finally love me?

Can you tell me I'm gonna be okay?

Can you tell me I did the right thing?

You looked at me with such pity the other day when I told you abt my friend

Now you know how alone I am

I'm a good person mom I swear

I don't know why I'm alone

I keep having to be the bigger person

I keep having to protect myself

And it's js leaving me so scared and alone

I'm sorry

Out of all the nights to break down like this

It's the night bf goes to bed early

I hate myself

I hate who I am

I wish I could js be normal

But I'll never be normal

That's the thing about chronic

You're never fully healthy

Js less sick than before

I'm sorry

I know I'm a bad poet

But I don't write these for you

I write them crying on my floor to get my thoughts out

I'm a filthy sick disgusting animal

Someone shoot me in a forest and don't go after the body

There's nothing here of value anyways

Except my eyes

They're the prettiest part of me

Even when they're dripping

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[the-creatured]

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A poem about my ex-best friend, #2

You were in my dream a night ago

You've never been in my dreams before

I don't think

I wasn't mean

I wasn't nice

I wasn't anything to you

I think we were at school

I had to walk into a room to find someone or something

Didn't know you were in there

Walked in

Eye contact

You were talking to someone

I looked down and away and js walked by

Didn't look at you or say anything

I feel guilty for it now in a dream

I'm gonna feel guilty doing that next year

I won't go to the choir concerts

Unless PJ desperately wants me to go

I haven't told her yet

We haven't texted in a long time

I talked abt you today

To my cousin

Not T, B

Idk if I ever talked about her to you

I have a lot of family

Sorry

I hope I stay out of your dreams

I'm sorry if I have shown up

Idk if you'll see this

Please don't comment

You can heart but please

Don't say anything

It's so much lonelier without you

I'm about to finish Bojack

And about to restart it

I'm sorry I gave you that show

I know you like it

But I don't wanna haunt you like that

Sorry

I js needed to get smth off my chest

And talk to you

Without actually talking to you

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[the-creatured]

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A collection of poems I wrote instead of choosing an early ending, #15

What better of a last summer as a kid could I have

Laying in bed

Not sleeping

Getting high every day

Texting one person

It's so lonely

I hate this

Never thought I'd get here again

But here we are

Here we are, again

I care too much

Honestly I can't stand myself most days

Not like I can stand very well either (haha POTS joke)

The only time I spend with my parents now is arguing or watching Star Trek

I tried to take my mom out to the thrift store

But apparently when she said she'd be right back

She meant 3 hours later

And my father never listens to me

So you can imagine my request to go see a movie fell on deaf ears

I'm so tired of this

I have to keep giving up what I want

Just to protect myself

I'm never happy these days

I'm either upset cause smth happened or anxious about something going to happen.

What if this is it

My whole life

Is js gonna be being a background asset and always having to give up what I want

Always in pain and sick

The worse part of it

Everything that's hurting me does so very slowly

It's never a lot of damage at one

It's a drip drip drip, forever

Eating away at me

Never enough to kill me

I got 2 hours of sleep last night, 10am-12pm

I couldn't sleep

I was in so much pain

Meds didn't help

I don't wanna live like this

I don't wanna live

I will

I'm too weak to take my own life anyways

I broke down at my kitchen table trying to cool off from helping clean the porch

Ofc my family is all coming here for July 4t h

I'm not ready for that

There's not even gonna be alcohol

And dad's gonna yell at me to clean my room

It's still a mess

I'm a mess

I can't do this

I don't have the mind to handle this

There can't be anything worth this much suffering besides death itself

Someone

Help me

I can't save myself

But nobody is coming to save me

But especially not you

And if neither of us can

I'm sorry I will disappoint you.

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[the-creatured]

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A poem about my best friend #1

(I'm sorry in advance, R)

You're leaving, if not already gone

And it's upsetting

To think the one person who has seen all the major events in my life

Who has seen everything that's shaped me into me today

It was those hands and the help you provided

That made me so kind

That gave me the strength to grow

To live

Had it not been for you

I'd be dead

And now?

You're gone?

Over some man who chose to date you

Knowing from the start I'd always be here

And that you loved me as your friend

You're stupid.

Fuck you.

You saw me at my highest

You saw me at my lowest

We've done things together I would never do with another soul again

It's you

You idiot

It's YOU.

You are were my best friend and now what

now what?

Goodbye I guess

Sure you're sorry it's happening

Sure you didn't want it to come to this

But it is and it did

So I say again

Fuck.

You.

Go marry that man

Go remember me

Go be sad when someone says my name

Go be upset when I pass you in the hallway and I'm a stranger

You made this decision

And when you're a senior next year

I won't be ANYWHERE

I hope your mom asks about me

I hope anyone asks about me

I hope whoever stays over next sees something I gave you

And asks about it

Fuck you

I hope you replace me quickly

Don't linger

My presence didn't matter that much to you

So I hope my absence haunts you

The only good thing I hope for you in this moment

Is I hope that show gives you some comfort

I hope you find yourself rewatching it

I hope you like it

But best of all

I hope you get exactly what you wanted.

I'll miss our birthdays.

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[the-creatured]

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A collection of poems he may never read, #21

I tolerated less than the bare minimum to show you I understood.

You had been through a lot

I could see it in your smile

God you always look the best when you smile

I wish I could see you smile in person

Will that happen?

One day?

I tolerated so much from you

So many moments

So many signs

So many things that screamed I should leave

But I stayed

It was my choice

But it was just as much my choice to stay as it was yours too

You are my everything

Even now

If you asked to try again

I would

So fast I'd run into your arms

Deliberate and big leaps

Time would slow down

Our arms would meet and our bodies would slam into each other

It would hurt

But I wouldn't care

You'd catch me

I know you would

I'd jump and know I was safe

You lost your first love and then your woman

Then

Only after

Did the universe decide to make us meet

It wasn't anyone near our homes

Nobody close

Not any other option

No

We met

We met and I made the decision to ask you out

For whatever reason you said yes

We had almost a year together

I guess it wasn't supposed to last

I've stared at the block button before

I've been petty and mean

In my small stupid ways

And immediately regretted it and apologized

I'm a dog

I really am

Not a pet

Just a dog

A soft loving creature with teeth and an ugly past

You'd seen my teeth

Felt them nip

You didn't have to yell

I immediately stopped and put myself outside

Not like it matters anyways

Punishing myself won't do any good

The damage was done already

I'm sorry I nipped

I get scared when I feel like I'm back in the shelter

An option again

Next time, when you shop for a dog

Don't pick the one that's being euthanized tomorrow

You didn't save me

Just delayed it

I never fell in love till you

My parents were poison since the start

My peers weren't better either

I thought I did when I dated that girl

But then I met you

For someone like me

Sick

I won't get many chances for a life partner

I don't say this to guilt you at all

It's the facts

But the chances of me falling in love with someone

Only once

Chances of someone truly loving someone like me?

Even lower

My dad was right

I'll end up alone

Unfortunately for you

You earned that title

"First love"

But I'm sick

A sick pet

A thing to take care of

A burden

A menial and repetitive task

I'm too sick

I've gotten better

I'm out of the house a lot more

You know that

You know all of this

We haven't stopped talking

It's been a month since we broke up

I love you.

You love me.

I hurt you.

You hurt me.

"Had I just met you when I wasn't as sick"

Why did I say that

I just said that I wished I didn't have to convince you to stay

I'm trying my best to get better

I'm sorry.

I really am.

And if I hurt you and you haven't told me,

I'm sorry for that too.

I'm sorry I lied too

These past few weeks

I haven't been sober for 24 hours

Maybe you'll read this

Maybe you won't

I guess you'll confront me if you do

I've been struggling to tell you or not

When I admitted to ignoring my feelings a while ago

And it crashing back on me

That was because I had been sober for 36 hours

I was scared my parents had found out

They didn't

So I guess this is my confession

Might as well say the other stuff I've meant to for a bit too

I was too scared to ask when we were dating if you were cheating on me, when I got that urge the strongest, you finally admitted to it.

I have the nastiest mental image of your ex, she's beautiful and her voice is silk and she'e a siren. I hate her, because she hurts you. I love her because she's your love, I'm glad you love someone and that she made you so happy at a time. Falling in love is the best feeling, so I'm glad you could.

I've despised this since the first time we broke up, I saw it in you. It fractured, I knew we would never be the same again. I knew it, and I'm sorry for staying.

I don't actually dream. Not anymore, not since the BP meds. I do daydream, and imagine, and that half asleep half awake state you can fall into sometimes. Thats when I see us, older, a toddler, a girl. But it never stays for long.

You make me so mad sometimes, so frustrated and so angry. Sometimes I do wanna scream at you, crash out, then block you. But I won't. Ever.

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[the-creatured]

Why are you gay?/j

Men are hot, specifically MY man 😋

[the-creatured]

My boyfriend, while I'm flirting with him.

He then proceeded to say "I study you religiously" 😝

[the-creatured]

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A collection of poems I wrote instead of choosing an early ending, #14

There's something so frail yet so strong about me

I shake and squirm like prey

But bare my teeth and snarl like predator

No matter how sick I am

No matter how injured I get

I fight

I am thin

I am frail

I am ugly and beautiful

I have stupid limbs that are too thin

I have teeth that don't fit in my mouth

Ears too big for my head

My antlers aren't strong

They'd shatter if I used them

My ribs show

I don't eat more than bits and scraps

My stomach rejects anything meat

But craves nothing but raw blood and viscera

I puff my fur up

My size is a lie

My fur is patchy and half grown

I am cold and scared

I am a prayer

I am a whisper

A mistake

A cross breed

A fake

I am not good at any one thing

I am mediocre at my life

I am bad at being human

I am growling and defensive

Ears pinned back and teeth bared

Legs stumbling and tripping

Tail puffed and frightened

Antlers held tall

One bullet

To kill two animals

A half prey half predator

Half a sad dog and half a proud buck

I will never be full.

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[the-creatured]

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A collection of poems he may never read, #20

I won't sleep tonight

I'll circle back and cry over and over on one thing

Not even something you said

Something I said

A truth that hurt worse spoken out loud

I'll lie on my carpet and pray

Pray this is all a dream

Pray when I wake up in the morning that this was all a nightmare

I want my man back

I don't even know if you read these anymore

But I have to write, regardless.

Athan.

My Athan.

Why?

It didn't have to be tragic.

We didn't have to be doomed.

We could've had that ranch and a dog and a daughter

You could've raised a sweet tough little girl with me.

We could've kissed next summer

But no

She had to make her appearance

Again

I love so harshly and you love so softly

Why is it I am too kind

My mother didn't raise this

I raised myself

how did I get here

I'd rather be shot at this point

Can you kiss your trigger finger before squeezing?

I'll bite the bullet and catch hot lead with my teeth

In hopes it melts them together so I am unable to speak again

You said I make it so you can't see yourself dying

Did you mean that?

My words are that nice?

Sometimes I feel like the rough waves on a stormy beach

But you describe me like the softest tide on a sunny day.

My emotional consistency will be my noose

I will slip the rope around my neck

And it'll tighten little by little everytime I am reliable

All my joy, my excitement, my love shown just the way someone needs and in pefect time.

It'll choke me, and I'll wonder why I'm dying.

For nobody but me put this rope on.

I will forever blame myself for losing you, Athan

Will you avoid Hozier after this?

Will the moon ever make you sad?

Will the gentle breeze swaying flowers make you question this choice?

Will any of this matter?

I pray that instead of the judgment of the church's rash bells

That they instead have a windchime over your grave

So you may hear the sky above still moving

So you may not be so alone, even in death

I see a deep and eternal sorrow within my eyes

And when I see others smile

I feel it fade for a bit

And your smile

Your smile made it disappear for a long time

Why have you done this?

I know you said you don't want to

but you know i'm a pathetic poet

Imagine a giant but empty church with no crosses and a single bench rather than many in the sanctuary.

In the sanctuary, no people or priest is seen.

The sound you hear would be inside jokes from people whos name I've forgotten, the names of every stranger I've met, and the sound of your laughter.

The light that streams through the grand tall stained glass windows shines many a color.

Each design, a small and sweet reminder of that person, each detail placed there by me.

Your window, the newest addition, is possibly the most beautiful purples and blues I could ever imagine.

The soft yellowish white light shining through, casting a cosmos on the ground.

Fireflies and flora cover your face, a portrait that remained unfinished.

I can never get the shape of your face right.

Maybe if I had held it once or twice.

I love for eyes that will never meet mine.

And for sweet words that'll never be spoken again.

Not by that voice.

They'll mistake my sadness for anger.

I can't help how my adrenaline makes it appear.

I promise to stay sober.

From everything.

I love you, Athan.

It wasn't a lie when you called me your baby right?

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[the-creatured]

I lay here with eyes that dont stop leaking. Honestly, how much more pathetic can I get? Its your average tragedy, except its not real death. Everyone does die in the end, our hearts just keep beating in spite of the emptiness of their rythm. I would take my medication for this, but I cant punish myself any other way. So staying a bit upset for a while longer wont kill me.

I hate sleeping.

Fuck it all, I just want to continue doing what I'm doing. I dont care anymore

[the-creatured]

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A collection of poems he may never read, #21

My knees are reddened and scraped

bent and hands held high and dripping with the blood of my prayers

as i have killed gods with the power of my grief alone

If someone asks me who's down in that dirt under a stone with your name on it

I'll keep them safe and hide the truth from them

I will forever be the keeper of our memories together and the only record of our love

They won't know who you saw in mirrors

they'll hear the cadence of my voice and mistake it for your heartbeat

as I've memorized the sound of your love by the drips I received

they'll see how my face softens as my eyes squint into the sun

As I search for your face once again

finding it only in my screen in the photos you hated

your goofy smile will live close to my heart in gold

My love is the weeds growing on your grave

I count my sins on each petal

as you push up more gentle daisies

small silent reminders that you loved me

I held a knife outward against my own grief

and I was blindfolded and couldn't tell the difference between the two

you or my own disgust

and I stabbed you, once

But that wound struck deeper as the knife I was holding was bigger than I knew

I'm sorry

I've waited for my parents to change my whole life

much like a dog

I learned from repeated behaviors that they did not posses kind hands

so now they reach to pet me and care for my wounds

and I snarl and snap at them

I truly do love you

I see that golden sunset making our faces red

and dousing a child in sweet light

they would never know more pure love

than the love from their fathers

and we both would never experience pure love

not from each other

not from our families

I'm scared i'll be the final cut on your relationships

the disgusting reek of homosexuality putting them off

and souring your stomach for any of my food

Burn my memory like a polaroid

and may the toxic fumes escape your nose

so all of me may flow to the wind instead

I will finally fly

and you will have freed yourself from the curse that is me

There was never a chance I'd keep a woman happy

I can't be happy with one

but oh

Athan

Oh Athan

I am so happy with you

But I can't keep you happy can I?

I am sorry I am too early and too late

you shouldve had genuine adoring love since the start

Clementine hm?

I like it

I think we'd do good with a daughter

I wouldn't mind a son

but I think we both agree on wanting a girl

The Rosados

A mailbox that'll never exist

a house number lost to time

pink shoes that'll stay on the shelf

candles never bought

A sword never given

a knot never tied

rings never shared

All because of grief

all because of love

I have so much of it for you Athan

I love you

We have each other to blame

but I think we are both stuck staring in mirrors

Regardless

Time will not pass lightly

So I say it now, on hopes it will be said again

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

For all time, always, mi sol.

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[the-creatured]

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A collection of poems he may never read, #20

I cant tell you

I truly dont know if youd understand

I dont wanna worry you

And I understand, with your past

Im not judging

Im scared that ill get sick before my twenties

And be unable to do everything I want to

I want to do it all now

but ive experienced it

Im good without it

I had a feeling it wouldnt sit well with you

I didnt ignore it

Its why I asked so much

I shouldve known

Its fine

Im scared youll get more mad over this

And use it so you can be mad at me "equally" cause you know Im not incredibly happy with you right now

Im sorry

I wish I had known

I dont want to have this resentment

Im so lost

I dont know why im here

Ive become a type of person i never thought id be

Why cant i be good

I just want to be good enough

Im so sad all the time

I dont like being sad

Ill js write when Im sad from now on

Again

Im sorry

I keep fucking up

its on me to fix my issues

not on you to worry about them

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