[the].[end.of.the].[end]

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

Acting Up by G.Eazy ft. Devon Baldwin

G-Eazy Lyrics - Acting Up     Acting Up" (feat. Devon Baldwin) [Devon Baldwin:] I stand here waiting for you all the time Hope you recognize before I fall apart The one question staying on my mind Is why you keep playing with my heart And I've been waiting for a long, long time Sometimes I wonder what made me start The one question staying on my mind Is why you keep playing with my heart [G-Eazy:] I keep saying Imma' change, Imma' change I'm 22 now it's time to fucking act my age And I just keep telling her this is just a stage Where every other night we go party and we rage And umm.. I be fucking up I know So immature, I just hope she doesn't know She's thinking about peacing fast if he doesn't grow up In the next 5 minutes then she'll up and go And I'm just saying wait up Let me show and prove I know I did some things that you really won't excuse You really got something I don't want to go and lose But then she cut me off like when you blow a fuse And she said to me [Devon Baldwin:] I stand here waiting for you all the time Hope you recognize before I fall apart The one question staying on my mind Is why you keep playing with my heart And I've been waiting for a long, long time Sometimes I wonder what made me start The one question staying on my mind Is why you keep playing with my heart [G-Eazy:] See I fucked around and always cut it close Sex is like a drug, I always need another dose I swear I got a problem they can't even diagnose And I always seem to stumble every time I try to coast Saying adios to the groupies Hello again to you I swear you got something only shown in a few And much, much better is what I'm going to do And not sweat someone so minuscule Have you ever loved somebody that didn't love you back enough Brings on a bunch of extra baggage like you packing stuff I apologize cause' I know you really had it rough It's my word, Imma' stop acting up [Devon Baldwin:] I stand here waiting for you all the time Hope you recognize before I fall apart The one question staying on my mind Is why you keep playing with my heart And I've been waiting for a long, long time Sometimes I wonder what made me start The one question staying on my mind Is why you keep playing with my heart Why you keep playing with my Why you, why you, why you keep playing with my heart Why you keep playing Why you keep playing Why, why you keep playing with my heart

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

You were poison Resting in a glass bottle labeled love You were the lie that I believed But you were never what I needed

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

Dear Ashton,

I'm tired of watchin you force yourself into unclean hands. Expecting an unclean man to appreciate something so pure. You’re too good for him but you refuse to see it. Kept blind by your eagerness to be everything to a man who can’t do anything for you but break your heart && let you down. You’re tired, but you’re too strong to let go && so you hold on to something that no longer deserves to be kept && I'm just tired of watching you love someone who will never love you back. 

Always,

You.

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

She went through a snow storm just to lie byhis side; He wouldn't even walk through the rain.

RHSIN

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

The scary part is, I knew exactly how bad you were for me && yet that didn't stop me from loving you.

rhsin

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

Dear Ashton,

You give him so much of yourself. You give him everything && still he treats you as if none of it is ever good enough. The arguments, the tension, the late nights crying out of frustration.. the over thinking about things that never deserved to be on your mind. It’s fucked up. He fucked up . He hurt you && yet you apologized. He left you && you blamed your fucking self. THERE iS NOTHiNG WRONG WiTH YOU! You can’t keep things that don't deserve to stay. You can't find life in dead things. You can’t find love holding onto someone incapable of loving you. Its time to pick your heart up off the ground && give the love you’ve been wasting on him to yourself. You’ve been looking for a sign && this is it, God damnit-- I just want you to be happy! 

Always,

Yourself <3

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

12.4.2017

There is now, less then a month, remaining until the New Year officially begins && despite absolutely everything I've open && honestly chosen to talk to him about, straight up, in addition to absolutely all of his consistently persistent plans && promises.. I still find myself right here, where he left me hanging, still waiting on absolutely anything from him, really. 

*sigh*

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

[Monday][December][4][2017]

THERE’S LESS THEN A MONTH, NOW, REMAiNiNG LEFT UNTiL THE NEW YEAR OFFICiALLY BEGiNS. 

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

Recently, while in session with my counselor at AEGIS, as we intricately && elaborately discussed the God’s honest truths of mine && Chris’ relationship, she inevitably came to a point in which she sincerely asked me, ‘ do you truly believe that, after absolutely everything, your guys’ relationship can honestly survive && then, last the test of time? ‘ She definitely caught me off-guard with that one, which lead me to really think it through before officially giving her an answer. Its been quite some time that we have been ‘us’ now, and all of that time is ultimately jam packed with all kinds of details, points && reasons but was it all inevitably too much, err even, enough, come this time and place we now find ourselves at right here and now? Or is there still sufficient time && space left still yet to go? My abrupt silence immediately following her question grew increasingly longer && longer as I genuinely pondered it all in my head while she stayed completely still, staring back at me with the artificial smile on that she’d began wearing while the words of her inquiry escaped her lips one by one. Then, finally, I resumed eye contact with her, mirroring her plastic smile at the same time && then exhaled with a bit of weight on my breath.

‘ ookay... ‘  I finally began saying to her, with a tiny bit of a nervously awkward chuckle at the tail end. ‘as I'm sure you can imagine, after so many years of history between us, there’s obviously more then a hell of a lot to keep in mind when answering sucha basically general but still immensely crucial question, y’kno?’ I casually said. Then, while rearranging myself in my chair && crossing my right leg over && on top of my left, my hands naturally clasped with one another while gently resting on top of my right knee. ‘But yes.. I can honestly && whole heartedly answer you with a firm yes.’ I told her, my smile no longer artificial while shining back at her. I knew that she wanted && expected so much more then this one word answer I was giving but I took this time to breathe a few good times && calm my thought process, still dancing through my jam packed mind as she repeated my answer back to me as a question a couple times, both of which I reassured her of my original answer once more. Eventually she pressed onward, asking me, ‘ okay, well, in that case.. what all will it take?’. ‘oh, I don't believe that there’s nearly sufficient time for us to genuinely discuss the thorough answer to that one, babe’ I said to her with a bit of a giggle. ‘oh okay’ she replied back to me  ‘well, next time, I guess then’ she continued with her fake ass smile returning to her face once again. ‘uhh.. yea.. I guess’ I replied, not able to do much but obviously stare at her smile of plastic, as I wonder internally, about how legit confident she really is that everyone automatically believes in her mask. 

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

it’s not even about the dope err the money

nah, all of that is oh so petty && irrelevant

really

it goes so much deeper

it’s so much more about the principal, ykno

its all about the deepest depths

&& what all of the most inner meanings 

inevitably end up turning out to be

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

12.3.2017

the only time he turns the volume up && rolls the windows down

only happens in my absence

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

He Has Yet To Ever Come In 

Yet, I Still Make Sure That Doors Unlocked 

If Not Even Propped Slightly Open 

But Still You Leave Me Hangin Again

Y’Said We Would But We Aint Bangin Again

Shit Man, Fuck Dude- W T F? 

But Real Talk, Dude, I Know I Can Tell You I Love You-- 

Yah, like real, grown up stuff- i’M iN Love With You

Even When its A Bitch To Do, Dude

Don't Trip, Just Know I Always Gotchu

11.27.2017..423pm

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

11.27.2017

its just past 5am

coldest, && darkest time a day

the time just prior to sunrise 

been up all night

Been Stuck On Stuck In My Mind 

For Really Like All Of The Night Again Tonight

Oh Yea, I Bottle It All TF Up && Give Y’Tongue A Good, Firm Bite

baby, I swear we have the loudest silence

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

[Monday].[November].[2017]

. :: 448AM :: .

So Fuckin Burnt Out On Waiting && Wishing Away

He Loves Me && He Loves Me Not Every Other Day The Same

Ashes To Ashes && Another One Bites The Dust Today

Black && White Can Oh So Quickly Turn To 50 Shades Of Grey

yea like, later babes

&& every last little dandelion wish up n burns away

the ashes just fall down && fly away

disintegrate into outer space

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

Straight Up-- 

Ive explained it too many damn times for him to ever be able to legit claim that he didn't know. He knows. Yet he still blatantly chooses to continue doing the same exact fucking things that ive persistently expressed/explained to be extremely hurtful, destructive err just plain negative upon me, my life && my overall well being.

I'm unhappy.

I'm embarrassed.

I'm sad.

I feel lonely.

I feel inadequate.

I increasingly doubt myself.

I lack self worth, self esteem && even, self respect, at this stage of the game. 

The things that he did that made me happy and excited about life && even, love, again.. the things he did that made me feel comfy being open and honest with him, that made me feel confident in what I was feeling, doing, the things he was saying && what we were doing together.. that made me trust him, that made me feel sexy, wanted, attractive, and like a woman, a sexual being. All of these things.. along with other countless similar things, all of which directly resulted positively within me, my life and my overall wellbeing.. all of them were quickly faded away, far too soon after just barely getting going in the fuckin first place, but the more crucial part is that none of those things have ever even kinda sorta started to return or come back again.. nah, nadda. 

So.. HE KNOWS WTF HE IS DOING TO ME -- BODY, MIND AND SOUL.. YET, HE CONTINUES DOING IT.. ULTIMATELY FORCING ME TO ACCEPT && BELIEVE THAT HE JUST DOESNT FUCKIN CARE. POINTBLANKPERIOD. THERES REALLY NO WAY AROUND IT ANYMORE, Y’KNO? 

BUT I ASSURE YOU THAT I’M ABSOLUTLY FINDING MY WAY OUT OF && AWAY FROM IT. 

[the-endofthe-end-blog]

[Monday.November.20.2017-- Midnight]

if only I had been smart from the very start && simply played dumb fro day #1 ... well.. coulda, shoulda, Clint Eastwooda -- there’s clearly n going back && obviously, there’s no changing jackshit, now && that’s that.pointblankperiod.

=============================================================

                          ALWAYS . LiSTEN . TO . YOUR . GUT --

                     THAT . BiTCH . KNOWS . WHAT’S . UP <3 <3 

=============================================================

Anywayss.. with all of that being said.. this is where i’m now at.. 

Despite all of the ways that he consistently proved, through choices, actions && behaviors, to not only have the legit,natural capability to make me feel better then anyone else has ever made me feel ever before (or ever since).. likewise, he so unexpectedly proved to do so, completely on his very own free will (like, without ever being told, hinted or prompted in any way, shape form or fashion, by myself and/or anyone in association to me, whatsoever) from the fuckin get go.. shiiit, actually, before the fuckin get go, really. Yet, having done so from the very start, and persistently onward.. only, finally, switching up on me at all, about a couple months err so after officially asking me to get into && begin a ‘real, serious, grown up, long term, monogamous relationship’ with him, at the coldest, darkest wee hours of the morning, just before daybreak, that late February day. I have inevitably spent the last nearly 6 years now, intricately && elaborately expressing/explaining the exact and entire effect his ultimate change, in all aspects of the word, have negatively had upon me-- (body, mind && soul) ... he ultimately still blatantly chooses to stay consistently swearing up and down to feel, be, want && plan to do in regards to fixing, improving err mending this whole entire situation but then, proceed onward in life as an individual, as well as together with me, in the exact same manner as before, as if absolutely everything that he and I had just thoroughly discussed again and again and again together, never actually even happened at all..

[tbc]