i think i should write this now. I thought i would write this down when i felt like it was the right time but maybe i should even though i donāt think it is. My first love was a boy, a very sweet boy even though i didnāt know him very well. I didnāt grow up with him nor was i his girlfriend at any point in time. Yet itās so weird how i knew we had a connection. āSomething like infinityā, Iād often like to say. Now i canāt help but feel heās there now, in infinity, somewhere past the stars and in some corner of the universe, heās there waiting for me. And not just me but his family too and everyone that he loved up until he died.
Iād talk about the beginning, of how we met and how he practically saved me. But Iām not going to because it was more of the middle of the story rather than the beginning or even the end. Iād never thought Iād feel the way I felt for him because i wouldnāt call it love. But I want to believe that what I felt, is something that doesnāt exist yet. The feeling was so beautiful, so heavenly. It almost felt like him and I were connected, like our souls were connected. Not like Ying or yang where one completes the other but more of, we were the same. Like that Greek story of how humans were created with two of everything, but they were separated and were bound to find the other. We werenāt soulmates, we werenāt friends, or lovers.... we just were. We existed, two completely different people who felt the same way.
I used to think eventually heād find his way back to me, like when we were older and understood what was important. i used to think he and I were created at the right time, destined to meet. And I still believe that in every alternate reality, I meet him in every single one. I want to believe that our souls were tied together, and the worst part is, I think he knew that too. But iāll never know because i never asked and heās gone now.Ā
I donāt feel the pain of his absence as much as his family or his loved ones, but I feel it regardless. As a raging atheist, the idea of the existence of a God doesnāt sit right with me. To think that everything happens for a reason, that we are here for a reason. This isnāt me being cynical, itās me trying to be logical. I think we are here simply because everything adapted and evolved. There is not a bigger meaning. And I think death scares most of us. It scares me. It took him away. His existence gone, just like that. I didnāt care whether there was something after death, i was ok with it being nothing. But I want to think.... to believe so hard that there is. And then maybe then I can see him again and be with him forever. To be in a place where I wouldnāt be scared that heād leave.Ā
He brought much comfort to me, just knowing he was somewhere and Iād always remember thinking how someone so perfectly ordinary could make me feel like life is worth living for. It was a feeling that lived in my heart, but all that itās doingĀ now is burning. I think that heās out there, i really do. I think that heās there and Iām going to see him again when I die. Heāll give me the same dashing smile and iāll give him the red rubber tape that he gave me and iāll tell him everything i didnāt get to. Iāll tell him that i loved him, every day up until the very second he took his last breath. iāll tell him that he meant so much to me.Ā
I will love him forever and itās a tragic thing to love someone as much as i loved him. I will think of him until the very day i die. And when i go, i know iāll see him again, be it on a moonlit night or a flower field. Iāll tell him that i knew he was sitting among the stars waiting. Or maybe he turned into star dust. Itās scary because iāll never know. I love him so much. And he died and I loved him so much. I hope that he waits for me because if i am to be turned into star dust, i think itāll be ok, because iāll be with him forever.
