Don't go where I can't follow: A Teddy/Matty fanfic
Also posted on ao3:
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Okay I know they both died already but hear me out on this ship guys.
Summary:
Teddy wasn't friends with Matty Clements
He pretended to be, but he wasn't. It wasn't that he hated Matty, or even that he disliked him. he had no reason to do either of those. But how could you truly be friends with someone who's mom is secretly trying to convince you to hang out with him? It wasn't authentic.
Even thinking about Matty being his "friend" made something in Teddy's stomach twist into something dark and bitter.
-
A glimpse into the few times Teddy had spent with Matty and how Matty made him feel.
tags: Major Character Death, Period-Typical Homophobia, throwing up, Crying, Jealousy, Unrequited Love, expect maybe it wasn't but no one will ever know, If you wanted to you could read Phil's interactions with teddy as him liking Teddy and being jealous of Matty but it doesn't need to be read like that
fic under cut:
Teddy wasn't friends with Matty Clements.
He pretended to be, but he wasn't. It wasn't that he hated Matty, or even that he disliked him. he had no reason to do either of those. But how could you truly be friends with someone who's mom is secretly trying to convince you to hang out with him? It wasn't authentic.
Even thinking about Matty being his "friend" made something in Teddy's stomach twist into something dark and bitter.
Teddy didn't understand why he felt like this, it wasn't Matty's fault his mom had done that. It wasn't his fault that he didn't have many friends. But that didn't change the way Teddy's stomach would churn when Matty was around.
He didn't always feel this way about Matty. In fact he used to not feel anything towards him. At most he just felt bad for him. If you had asked Teddy about Matty some months ago, the only answer he would have is that Matty was a person in his class and that was it. Teddy never spoke to him before he was bribed to, or he never spoke to him in a way that was significant. But he knew was that Matty was quiet and he sat alone at lunch.
Of course he also knew about the rumors. Rumors about Matty's family, the fact that things weren't good for him. In hushed whispers and cruel laugher Teddy heard a lot of things in passing about Matty's dad. How he wasn't a good man. Teddy didn't know if any of it was true, part of him felt to scared to find out. So he brushed it aside and pretended he never heard anything.
He learned a bit more when they started talking. It was nothing big at first, Teddy and Phil had just asked to sit with him at lunch a few days in a row. He let them. to draw off the awkwardness they would ask him questions. Phil tried to ask him about his dad once, Matty just went quiet and Teddy had to find a way to change the subject. It was through that Teddy figured Matty didn't want to talk about his family, and Teddy figured he was right to not concern himself with it. Matty clearly didn't want them to know.
During those conversations they also learned that Matty liked comic books, and that he liked the dark. And that he liked to go to the theater but he couldn't afford a ticket most of the time.
Teddy didn't mind talking with Matty all these times, really. It was strange and him and Phil got weird looks but they always did. The strange feeling in the pit of Teddy's stomach didn't develop until the first (and only) time they decided to bring Matty to their "hideout".
It was late at night and they had been there for a few hours. Phil had either fallen asleep against one of the walls, or was busy "researching" about aliens. Teddy couldn't remember, all he remembered was that he was Matty were hanging out by railing by themselves.
For awhile they were just looking out at the town while talking about nothing in particular, until suddenly Matty paused before mumbling out a quiet "Wait- I almost forgot-"
Teddy blinked and raised an eyebrow at him "Forgot what?" Though instead of a answer Matty just turned around to go grab his backpack from against the wall. Teddy watched as Matty ruffle through a few seconds before he pulled something out and came back over to Teddy. Matty held the object out towards him.
Teddy eyes the object, which upon inspection was a comic book. "Huh?"
"For you." Matty just said, shoving it towards Teddy more forcefully this time. "I- my mom got it for me but I already read it. He mentioned you like comic too so I thought you would like it-.." he became less and less sure of himself as he spoke.
"Oh-" was the first thing Teddy said in response. The idea of Matty already knowing was Teddy would like felt strange to him, and giving him gifts as well? Teddy was starting to feel guilty about all of this, and what does he tell Matty's mom? Does he tell her? "You don't have to-"
"I insist." Matty shoved the comic towards Teddy again. "Really- just- tell me if you liked it. When you read it."
And then Matty smiled. A real smile, one that Teddy didn't see on him a lot. So decided the amount of guilt he felt, he couldn't bring himself to say no. Hesitantly Teddy reached out, taking the comic from Matty and holding it to his chest. "Thanks.." he mumbled.
Matty just nodded, the smile staying on his face. "Of course,, we're friends." Matty spoke he it was something true. Teddy supposed to him it was. Matty turned back towards the town but Teddy continued looking at him. It was a strange scene, looking back on it it doesn't feel real. But Teddy could swear the moon was glowing on Matty's face and when he smiled a sparkle appeared in his eyes. And then with the comic clutched to his chest and the word 'friend' echoing in his head, Teddy suddenly felt like he was going to throw up.
a bitterness had started to form in his chest and he felt sick.
He and Phil continued to hang out with Matty a bit after that. Teddy hoped that if he just stuck with it then the strange feeling he had would go away. It must just be guilt. It had to be that.
There was one day where Phil had to bring Susie somewhere because their parents were busy so Teddy and Matty were alone together. Teddy had suggested they go to the theater, and before Matty could say anything Teddy added "I'd pay for your ticket."
Matty almost gasp "Really?"
"Yeah." Teddy just said weakly. It was to even out the playing field after Matty had given him the comic, then Teddy wouldn't feel as bad anymore. (Teddy knew that as the reason, but the back of his head told him there was more to it. He ignored that.).
Matty smiled again and Teddy had to look away.
Teddy didn't remember what movie they had seen. What he did remember was that the person who let them into the theater kept staring Matty down when they entered. He also remembered that during the movie he would periodically glance over at Matty. It was to make sure he was enjoying himself, if this was Teddy's "gift" to him then it make sense to make sure that Matty enjoyed it, right?
And lastly Teddy remembered how at some point in the middle of the movie there was a moment, 5 seconds, where Matty's hand fell on top of Teddy's on the arm rest of the seats. The 5 seconds that lasted was how long it took Teddy to process that it happened.
A sudden panic came to him and Teddy pulled his hand out from under Matty's, holding it to his chest. "What are you doing?" He whispered, there was a weird send of urgency in his voice.
Teddy watched as Matty blinked, before he frowned (Teddy suddenly hated his frown) "I'm sorry…? I didn't realize your hand was there…"
Teddy stared at him, he squeezed his own hand. Why did he freak out? Obviously it was an accident, so what was there to worry about? "I- sorry.." Teddy just mumbled.
There conversation ended there when someone in front of them shushed them. Matty didn't smile for the rest and the movie and Teddy still felt sick.
A few days later at school Teddy was at his locker when a conversation between a few girls near by caught his attention.
Now Teddy wasn't a ears-dropper, he really wasn't. But sometimes curiously gets the best of him. He had heard Matty's name. He pretended to be putting things in his locker as he listened for what he could of the conversation.
"-Matty? Really Amy? He's a total weirdo!"
"He's cute, Mary! Have you seen him lately?"
Cute. The word echoed in his head. Teddy recognized the second voice. It was Amy Williams, she was in one of his classes. From what he could tell it sounded like the two girls were discussing crushes. Mary's seemed to be Matty.
Suddenly Teddy felt the bitterness in his stomach again, the one he always felt around Matty. Expect Matty wasn't even here, just mentioned.
Teddy bet that Matty would like Amy, even if he didn't now. He didn't know her but she seemed smart, and nice. Maybe if Matty and Amy started hanging out then Matty wouldn't have to hang out with him and Phil anymore. Matty's mom would start bribing them and then Phil would move on like nothing had ever happened. Teddy wasn't sure what he'd do. He grip tightened around a book in his locker and he gritted his teeth.
He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard someone call his name. He jumped and turned around, closing his locker in the process.
Matty.
"What?" Teddy asked, immediately he hated how panicked he sounded. It wasn't like Matty could hear his thoughts (if he could, why would it matter even if he did?)
"Are you okay?" Matty asked, his face twisted with concern.
Teddy wondered if Amy was looking at them, looking at Matty. There was no good way to check. "Its- nothing. Don't worry about it.." Teddy let out a breath and mumbled. "What did you want?"
"..I was just wondering if you ever read that comic I gave you." Matty didn't look convinced by Teddy's answer, but he was dropping it which was all Teddy cared about.
The comic. Teddy had read it. In fact he had read it a few times since Matty had given it to him. Something about it kept drawing him back. "Oh- yeah. It was good, thanks." Teddy spoke casually, quietly. Like it wasn't a big deal.
"I knew you would." Matty almost grinned. It was worse than when he just smiled. Teddy almost looked away. "Oh, another thing-"
"Hm-?"
"Are you coming to my house next week? Sunday?"
Sunday, Teddy vaguely remembered Matty's mom mentioning something about that. Through he didn't exactly knew what it was about. He could have asked, but currently, despise himself the words that fell out of his mouth was a low and angry mumbled "Is Amy Williams going to be there?"
"What..?"
"Nothing." Teddy said quickly, eyes widening. Why did he say that? Why did he care? "I- yeah- sure- I'll be there."
"Really? Cool-!" The bell rang after Matty finished speaking. He looked at Teddy once more, one more grin, before he turned to go to class. Teddy followed be hind him, but his mind was else.
He didn't see Matty next Sunday. He and Phil had ended up getting distracted with something at the library and didn't even realize the date.
They learned later on it had been Matty's birthday.
Phil tried to say that it would be fine. They would tell Matty that something came up and it would blow over, but Teddy felt terrible. How could they even face him again after that? How do you go up to someone and tell them "Sorry we missed your birthday that we promised to be there for. In our defense we didn't even know it was your birthday. While we are here, your mom makes us hang out with you." Maybe that all wasn't necessary for Phil's plan. None of it was probably, but Teddy's head was reeling.
That night in his room Teddy was looking through his things. Maybe he had something that Matty could like. If he gave him a gift that would make things a little better, right?
As he was rummaging through his things suddenly he froze. Why was this so important to him? He and Matty wouldn't really friends right? Teddy and Phil only hung out with him because his mom asked them too.
But then if that was true then if that was true then Teddy wouldn't care about missing his birthday. Teddy wouldn't have paid for Matty to go see a movie just because he told Teddy that he couldn't afford it.
Maybe they were friends. But when he considered that Teddy just felt sick again (he was getting tired of this feeling). It didn't make sense, it-
Teddy suddenly felt a realization crash into. Violently, like a punch to the face. That feeling. He originally thought it was guilt for what he was doing to Matty, but the feeling never went away. He thought about Matty's hand falling on his and Amy Williams thinking Matty was cute. He thought about Matty smile and the way he was practically shining under the moon that day.
He didn't want to be Matty's friend because he wanted to be something else. He was in love with him.
And with that realization Teddy really did throw up into a trashcan in his room.
The news of Matty's disappearance couldn't have come at a worse time. How ironic that Teddy would only realize how he felt after it was too late. (Though when Teddy wondered if knowing this would have changed anything, he figured he wouldn't. Its not like he could have ever told Matty how he felt. If Matty didn't hate him for missing his birthday he'd definitely hate him for that.)
The day they learned about it Teddy and Phil had gone up to their spot again. There was a overwhelming and suffocating silence that filled the air. Once again Phil sat back against the way while Teddy stood near the railing. It was like that night again, expect this time Matty wasn't here.
He would probably never be here again.
Teddy felt sick, similar to the way he had felt with Matty but this was different. Looking back on it there was something comforting about how he felt with Matty. Something Warm. But this feeling was just cold and painful. He gripped the railing until his knuckles turned white. "..Phil?" his spoke barely a whisper.
He didn't even expect Phil to hear him, which is why he was surprised when he replied. "Yeah, Teds?"
Teddy's voice started shaking. "Do you think….do you think this is our fault? I mean maybe if we didn't miss his birthday. M-maybe if we were there more often, o-or something maybe-" Teddy was crying now. He tried to speak more but his words just failed him, coming out as choking sobs.
Phil must have realized what was going on because Teddy heard him standing and his footsteps rushing to stand beside him.
"Hey- hey look at me." Teddy heard him say. Teddy turned to look at him but he looked blurry through the tears. "Its not our fault that Matty's missing alright? There's nothing we could have done here- whether we went to that party or not he'd still be dead."
"Missing." Teddy chocked out. Matty was missing, he wasn't dead. They didn't know that yet.
"Teds…"
"Hes missing, Phil. Hes just missing, h-hes just…." Teddy quickly ran a hand over his face to try and wipe away his tears to no avail. "Hes…." but Teddy trailed off.
Suddenly Phil was grabbing Teddy's shoulders and before he knew it he was pulled into a hug. Teddy's impulse was to pull away, say he didn't need this. If anyone else saw them and knew the truth about Teddy, knew he liked boys, they would be in trouble. But they were alone. No one else was coming here. So instead he just Teddy just collapsed on Phil's chest, and he continued to cry. Phil was saying thing, but Teddy couldn't really make out the words in this state. "Not out fault." And "Dead" is all he heard. He didn't want to hear the rest of it. They stayed like that for awhile, until Teddy eventually pulled away. His tears had stopped now though he figured it must have been obvious he was crying. He ran a hand over his face again.
The sun had started setting now, Teddy sniffed and looked out at the town again. The silence had returned before Teddy spoke again.
"Its beautiful." He spoke. A bitter laugh escaping his lips. He didn't know why he was laughing. "Its so beautiful, isn't it?"
"Yeah…" Teddy heard Phil respond, but he didn't turn his head to look back at him.
Just for a minute, Teddy wanted to pretend that Matty was the one next to him again.
