The Ginger Goddess

just a blog about a girl on her journey through learning self love and how to live with BPD

[the-gingergoddess-blog]

Day 31: Going forward, how can you commit to loving yourself everyday?

By living. Breathing. Taking my meds. Working on myself. Doing yoga. Going to the gym. Eating right. All the little things that will help me heal, will also help me maybe start to love myself. I think it’s something I don’t feel yet, but I want to and I don’t know how to get there. Hopefully, with time and effort, I can learn to love myself. But, in the meantime, I think if I can commit to doing these little loving actions, then maybe it will lead to the real thing. 

[the-gingergoddess-blog]

Day 30: What labels (negative and positive) do you assign yourself?

I have a lot more negative than positive. I consider myself to be fat, ugly, black-hearted, mean, evil, etc. I really don’t think I’m a good person. It’s hard for me to think of some positives to be honest. I think I could be considered caring, loving, and motherly. I’ve always had a sense of caring for others, even when I shouldn’t. It’s hard though because when I split on these people, it’s all the worse. These people become the most hated, hurtful people in my life and it’s stressful. I don’t know what I truly am as a person, but I do know the labels I have given myself. 

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Day 29: What words or beliefs do you (want to) live by?

This is hard because I never know what to put for this. I don’t really live my life by anything, even though I’ve always wanted to. I want to be someone who works hard, shows compassion and treats people the way I want to be treated. This is hard for me, my bpd makes me full of anger and resentment towards everyone, and I just want to get rid of that anger. So what do I do? I take it out on others. I know it’s not okay but at the same time people hurt me. I want to be nice, I’m just filled with so much rage it makes it difficult to follow through. 

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Day 28: Who are your role models and which qualities do you share with them?

This is really difficult for me, because I’ve never had someone who I consider to be a role model in my life. I guess the closest person I’ve ever thought to be a role model would probably be Princess Diana. She was humble, kind, had a huge heart, and dealt with her problems using such grace and dignity. She had such a hard position and was held to impossible standards. Still, she paid no mind to it, and instead focused on the work that she believed was the most important. Diana did things that others wouldn’t. She was a forerunner for the next generation of royals. She touched the life of every single person she interacted with, and was loved by many until her untimely death. I don’t think I share any qualities with Diana. I’m not even close to being selfless and kind hearted. I do care about others, but more about others’ opinions of me. I cannot come close to the greatness she was during her life, but she will always be someone I look up to. 

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Day 27: What’s one choice you can make right now that your future self will thank you for?

Going to therapy and working on myself. I’m making the choice to commit to my healing and I’m putting all my effort into it. If it keeps going down the path it does, I hope my future self with thank me for it. I hope that it’s better and that I can truly heal before moving on to continue my life. I’m scared, stressed and exhausted, but I really hope it’s worth it. 

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Day 26: What parts of yourself are you ashamed of? What does your shadow self look like?

I’m ashamed of a lot. I’m ashamed of how I look physically. My body is so unhealthy. I’m ashamed of my lifestyle, stuck in depression and anxiety. I’m ashamed that I ruin everything that is around me, from relationships to events, I’ll find a way to screw it up. My shadow self is dark and struggling. It has so much pain and suffering it feels like life will never get better. My shadow self is hopeless and filled with anger/resentment that I’m in this situation. 

[zyx]

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Day 25: What things are you really really good at?

This is really difficult for me. I truly don’t believe I’m good at anything. The closest I’d say I’ve come to being good at something is doing makeup and maybe yoga for how long I’ve been doing it. I’m not out of this world, and I don’t think I even come close to being perfect at anything, I like to try my best. I may not be great at things by other people’s standards, but at least I’m trying?

[just-shower-thoughts]

Typing “F*ck!” is not more polite than typing “Fuck!”

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Day 24: What’s something you wish someone would say to you?

This one is actually very difficult. I could make a list of things I wish people would say to me, so I think I will. 

1. “You are enough.”

2. “You’re beautiful.” 

3. “You’re going to be okay.”

4. “I choose you.”

5. “BPD doesn’t mean you’re evil.”

6. “ You can get through this.” 

I don’t have people to tell me the simple things, without me asking that is. I just wish someone would pay me a compliment or give me support just because, not when I ask. I want to believe that these statements are true, but unfortunately I haven’t been able to. Maybe one day though

[the-gingergoddess-blog]

Day 23: What does your support system look like? How can you make it stronger?

Patrick is my main support. I say it all the damn time and I will continue to do so. I don’t know how I functioned before him, because it was so lonely and so exhausting to be by myself all the time. My parents, grandparents and some extended family support me, but at the same time it’s hard for them to understand BPD and they’re afraid to act incorrectly in front of me, which makes it difficult. I don’t really have any support when it comes to friends, as I’ve chosen to right now focus on myself, and not letting people get too involved just for them to leave. I think the huge problem is that they don’t understand, so it’s hard for them to really be supportive. I think that’s just going to take time and lots of trial and error in certain circumstances. 

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Day 22: What things make you feel bad, but you find yourself doing them anyway?

Laying in bed all day and not being productive! When I’m out of energy, dissociating or just having an off day, I tend to hide in bed and not do anything. A lot of the time, it makes me feel worse. Because usually there’s always some kind of mess in my apartment and with it being so tiny, I should be able to have something to do to clean or occupy myself. But instead, I’ll keep on my pj’s and scroll on my phone for hours and hours, accomplishing nothing. When this happens I always am upset at myself and disappointed because I know I can do better, but the level of energy I have is miniscule. I could be looking at a mess or be a mess, and I couldn’t care less, until later that is. Once I’m out of my mood or as I’m getting ready for bed, I realize that I have done nothing and I’ve wasted a whole day. It makes me upset and leaves me feeling like a failure. Although I know I do it, I cannot seem to stop. The days I get out of bed and am productive, I feel 100000 times better!

[classical-crap]

at the music camp I’m volunteering at, the violin coaches are really good. even as a volunteer, I’m learning a lot during sectionals. for example, I learned that there’s a camp for orchestra teachers and on the last day they make a big bonfire and burn instruments that are beyond repair and all of the orchestra teachers stand around it and sing “the swan” by camille saint saens

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This is so beautiful. :’)

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Day 21: What is something you’re working on believing that you deserve?

H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S. I honestly, truly do not believe that I deserve happiness. It’s hard for me because I am so rarely happy (I believe it has to do with the amount of serotonin I produce) but I want to be. I honestly think I must have done something awful to deserve what I’m getting, and happiness isn’t a part of it. The first time I was told I was allowed to have happiness, I broke down because it was such a foreign concept to me. I’ve just accepted that I’m not happy because I’m an awful person. I still don’t think I deserve it, but everyone keeps telling me I do. I want to be happy more than anything, not just for more than a fleeting feeling that doesn’t even seem real. I’m tired of the pain and baggage I carry around and I’m just ready for it to be over. I want to be happy.

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Day 20: How can you give yourself a break today? (Physically, mentally, or emotionally)

I can try to not be so hard on myself. I have an idea of how I want something to go, and if it doesn’t, it’s completely ruined and my fault. So when something doesn’t go as planned, I can not get upset with myself. I can try to reroute my plans and see if there’s something that can be done to fix them. Maybe this is something to also continue every day from now on out? It’s not a bad idea...

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Day 19: How are you making the world a better place?

Other than recycling, I’m not. I know it sounds awful, but I don’t think that it’s a priority right now. I’ve been so mentally ill recently that all I have time to do is take care of myself. I guess that I could say that’s going to make the world a better place. Maybe by working on myself, I won’t be so awful to others. Maybe I’ll be kinder to those I just meet. Maybe my emotional outbursts will slow and my anger won’t be taken out on those who are just trying to do their best. 

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Day 18: What’s one change you can make to increase your happiness?

I actually know this one! I’m starting DBT therapy! I’m so excited but terrified at the same time. Personally, I don’t think I produce that much seratonin on top of having BPD so it is so crazily hard for me to be happy. I want it more than anything, but sometimes I just can’t feel it. I’m really hoping that learning new skills and can hopefully let go of some of my baggage. I want happiness more than anything in the world.