Kinetik Intellect @the-god-within - Tumblr Blog

On Lessons

I've learned For acceptance externally Recognize the God within We are Nothing but budding roots Yearning to blossom Phoenixes Rising out of the ash Ashé

On Sweet Heat

The sweat slow trickles down my back, starting from the nape of my neck, meandering itself down the curvature of my spine until it disappears, soaks my bottom layers. The dew on my hairline accumulates as the rays of the sun tap dance on my face, the only reprieve a shadow cast by passing clouds. Water begins to accumulate in the pit of my arms, soaking through the material as the heat of the day vibrates around me, buzzing like cicadas in the night. It's ethereal, yet cruel. Calming, yet exhausting; but somehow comforting. Somehow this suffocating heat surrounds me like a lover's embrace. I'm enthralled by it, drawn to its radiance and hotness. 'Ah home' I think as a thin layer of sweat coats my body, building where cloth meets skin, where objects touches cloth. I used to scold this heat as it scalded my skin. I used to decry the tortuous beams from the sun that created such an unnerving unbearable temperature. But life without it is dull, as if the color has bled through and the contrasts are unassuming, bland. Life is a series of sunrises and sunsets spent finding ways to keep away from what we sometimes despise, and if not for the heat, the passion of lust, of love, of anger and shame, joy and contempt, would be lost. And so as the sweat trickles down my back, soaking my bottom layers, as the beads of water begin to accumulate on my brow, the wetness of my armpits start to grow...I think 'Ah, home.' We never appreciate what we have till it is no more, and we forget our comforts until we are without them. But I will never decry this feeling after living so long without it, I'll never utter words disgracing all of what it gives. For without heat, we are without life, and I'm glad to finally experience this debilitating, energy draining heat. I missed it more than I supposed.

On Hearts and Time

To feel the bleeding of one’s heart. The slow trickle that cannot be seen, that does not evoke horror in the eyes of others, because the hemorrhage is invisible to them. To try to bandage it is impossible, it will just continue to bleed, continue to ache and pierce, no matter what remedy is applied. No matter the doctor, or the medication. Slow torture. And days will pass, sitting and wondering how many more cycles of the sun and moon will take place until the bleeding stops. Until the wound turns to a scab, a scab to a scar. Only time will tell. And time is intangible. Circular. But time. Time is the cure. It does not stop the bleeding, or numb the pain, but through the passage of what we call seconds, minutes, hours. Days, months, years. Time provides the cure. The scar will always remain even after the bleeding has stopped. And one may feel a slight prick on occasion when recalling what caused the hemorrhage. It is not easy, but something that must not be forgotten, and though the cure is long and arduous, grueling and sometimes pointless, I am thankful nonetheless.

On Nature

Feeling the serenity of nature I am at peace again. This inner sense of oneness and spirituality. The darkness ebbs, ever so gently. The light peaks through as a cheese grater filter. The bonds of my prison, my cage, ever so real. Yet, I am able to regain an important insight I once lost. Foresight. The problems plaguing my soul still persist. The knowledge to resolve them still escapes me. My confidence still wanes as the moon on her cycle through the sky and if I live in the abyss of my mind too long, the anxiety will grab hold of my being and pain will creep in. But. Cheers. For remembering once what was forgotten. Once what could not be revived.

Hope.

Looking forward to another day.

Baby steps.

That’s something right?

Reintroductions

When I first started this blog years ago it’s purpose was radically different than what it is now. It was created to be fun and quirky, to share my politics to the world, and to talk about the the things I’ve enjoyed both past and present.

But as they say, shit happens. Life changes.

Sometimes as we go through metamorphosis, so too do the mediums used to express oneself.

I’ve waited a while to reintroduce this blog, simply because I was at a lost of what to say. What it will mean, what it currently means: it was an emotion intangible to me at the time, something too deep for me to form into a recognizable, sensible words.

But this is my place of healing. My place to write and share. To cry and bear some of the most deepest parts of my psyche and a path towards self healing.

Some of the content here is new, some old. But it is a collection of the pieces of my soul, the imaginations of my thoughts, my curiosity about the things that surround me, and how I process it all.

Welcome to my world.

On First Love

Hate and Fear I’m afraid to look into your eyes, because you’ll see the emotions reflected in my heart. Love me Accept me Want me Need me Humans, such contradictory, wishy washy beings aren’t we? I love you yet I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of the possibilities of what could become of us. Could we turn out as that happy ending, or will we be another heartbroken story, destined to become a part of the sea of devastated hearts and broken emotions? I’m afraid. Afraid of you, afraid of me. I’m afraid, scared by these emotions. I hate looking into your eyes, I really do. They do something to me; they melt me. They make my heart flutter, my feet tingle. They make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. They make my body do things. Heat rises to my neck, sweat gathers at my palms, my heart reverberates like a drum inside my chest. I don’t want to love you; I really don’t. But I can’t help but to. Your gentle touch, your cute smile. The way you touch me, hold me, taste me…I can’t get enough. The way you whisper in my ear drives me up the wall. The way you look at me as if I’m the only one you see makes me turn to goop on the spot. The way you treat me as if I’m as gentle as fine glass makes me feel… I can’t describe it. I hate it. I’m afraid of it. I hate that you make me feel as if I’m at a loss for words. I hate that your large frame hugging me from behind makes me feel as if I’m secure and everything is alright in the world. I hate that when I’m away from you, you’re all I can think about. I hate that I wish for you to be near me at night, to hold me in your arms until morning. I hate everything about being in love with you; but I’m helplessly so. I hate how you kiss me. I hate that they make me go crazy inside and want for more. I hate how soft and silky your lips are. I hate that you’re always so gentle yet force full. I hate what you do to my emotions, to my body. I’m afraid of what you’ll do to my heart. You make me vulnerable, pliable, soft. I’m afraid of how you crush the walls I’ve set up to guard my heart; you do it with such ease and smoothness. You could do me so wrong and I wouldn’t blink an eye at it. I’m afraid of that feeling, of loving you too much. I’m afraid of giving my heart to you and that makes the fact of my loving you that much more disheartening. I really do hate being in love with you; It’s not right to feel so good. It’s not right to love you this much. Stop looking at me, stop touching me, stop holding me, stop kissing me, stop talking to me. Maybe then I won’t love you; maybe then I can take my heart back. But I doubt it. Cause with every look, with every touch, with every embrace, with every kiss, with every word…I fall deeper and deeper into the world that is you…into this abyss called love. I’m afraid to look into your eyes, because you’ll see the emotions reflected in my heart. Love me Accept me Want me Need me

On Happiness

Maybe I just don't deserve to be happy. Maybe I'm one of those individuals destined to a lackluster love riddled with potholes called despair betrayal and lies. I loved deeply once before. I loved so deep it made my knees weak, my eyebrows twitch. I got those little tingles so strong in my heart I had to touch my breast, make sure everything was alright with me. I loved so deeply it made me. I loved so deeply the hue of the sky seemed so much brighter, lighter, like looking through a microscope where I could see the true essence of it all. I loved so deeply I felt brave, tall. Like I could shoulder the weight of the world, I felt boulders, lift from this heavy plated chest I call my heart. I felt a fresh restart a chance for something anew that dew was you but like sand I let you slip through my hands. Okay, I admit, my fault. And I knew I could never get you back because once you said you were gone you meant it and there was nothing I could do to change your mind but I thought in due time you would miss me, grow to think of me as your soul mate and wipe clean the slate. But I lost that battle. And like cattle I herded through life empty for the next few years, sex seemed to bury my tears, my desire for you, but I heard six months prior you had a new boo and were getting married. My heart sank to my stomach I feel it reshatter. Put it in perspective you were all that mattered. Then I guess I met someone new. More like someone to imprint your mirage onto, fulfill those deep seated desires for me to be that fire burning brightly inside you, scorching everything red and bright in my longing. I might have driven them insane with strange requests, I was so deep in a quest to find you; but you never had a substitute. But then one day I saw them for who they really were. See, I was so wrapped up in the essence of you I couldn't take a gander outside of your box to see that they were just as beautiful and deserving of true love and attention just as you were. I didn't see the fact that they had my back through thick and thin this feeling wasn't pretend and I noticed the pieces of my heart start to mend. I realized I could begin, again, maybe this would last to the end. And so I let myself fall. And I fell deeply. And so I loved deeply twice before. And I loved so deeply I felt my knees buckle, my fist clench. I felt my heart thumping so hard against my ribcage I thought it would explode from my chest. The heave of my breast, my lungs increased triple fold when I thought of you, your taste, your warm embrace, everything about you made me feel safe. And I thought I found true love. I thought I had to go through the fire, melting my skin, burning my bones, so that I could have known what was in store, that you were the one for me, and that we would always, be. I fell so deeply for you I always desired your presence, your essence something so calming to me that it settled my soul. I saw us growing old. But you threw it all away. You took my heart, strangled, mangled it. Had me feeling like a old worn out fence, you didn't even repent for the ways you wronged me. And I was so blinded, encapsulated by the mirage my synapses created that I even debated if what you said was true. How could you do this to someone you said you loved deeply through and through? I felt everything that I had, everything that I was disintegrate into tiny little pieces, what was left of my heart flaked off like dead skin. I was dead inside. I wanted this to be pretend. Your were supposed to be my friend. My lover, confidant. Someone who I could trust but you gave us up and for that I must. Leave, there is no reprieve, nothing that you could say or do to make me want to stay because for so long you had me and I know I may, have came to be with you under the guise of someone else, But Fuck I loved you For me there was nobody else. But I realized, what you did to me, was similar in the way of what I did to she, and I understood the cycle of karma and why she's termed a bitch because you put stitches in my heart once I could sew it together, the same way I treated her, aren't we like birds of a feather? And this is how our cycle continues, maybe it's written on our menus to get love one must give and to give one must live and living for us involves pain and distrust, words carried by lust that grow to mean something much deeper its a feature we both possess and I confess, maybe that's why, we just don't deserve happiness Maybe, we are meant to steal that happiness from others.

D v H

Depression cloaks my soul Continually hammering itself into my brain Chipping away at memories of happiness and long lost love It’s deafening silence ringing, shouting into my eardrums, I feel it’s grip at my neck Choking my lungs Killing my voice I feel it’s skeleton fingers Pulsating my heart Hand to chest, can’t feel it’s beat Meandering it’s way around my arms, legs, Limbs once so limber now heavy, dragging Moving in slow motion, too slow to react Knots in my stomach, pain in my groin, Anxiety creeps in like a disease This depression, so acute, heavy, makes the days seem like years I wonder how long will purgatory last

But hope, constant, steady hope Revitalizes my spirit Makes my synapses imagine A peaceful time Content, happy My lungs fight for fistfuls of air Breathing, gasping, their depths swell pridefully with the promise of another tomorrow My heart beats so loud, blood rushing through my canals I enjoy the rhythmic thump banging in my ears My fingers scratch, arms flail, legs kick, at the thought of hope’s rescue My stomach growling, groins aching for the chance of freedom from this bondage

Depressions darkness is washed away from my soul at the thought, the promise, as the vibrant valiant rays of hope encapsulate my being

On Cats

I’m on my way to being the cat lady Never was the bag lady Or the can’t get no ass lady But lately, I’ve been the left in the dark Broken-heart lady And it seems crazy When a fate happens to you You thought would never come true When every relationship Has left you black n blue Not talking bout the physical But…look My heart is a mangled piece of fender, disposed in a junk yard It feels like my days carry into weeks And the abyss seems so dark that I’ll never escape

Black And Blue

So fuck it I’ll be the cat lady The impenetrable ice cold lady The bitch you can’t ever get no call back from lady The hoe that talked to you, your homegirl and your cousin lady Because If I’m the sweet lady The there for you when you lonely lady The rub your shoulders stroke your back, tell it’s okay lady I’ll be the left in the rain with no umbrella lady Because like a summer storm I’ll never see it coming So I’ll stick to my cats Because they may seem standoffish and cold But I know They’ll never leave me With a desecrated soul Or a torn apart hole That used to house my heart A cat will never play love games To make me feel ashamed For being the person I am And I know That every ounce of love I give Will be reciprocated in kind Wish I could say the same for you So here’s three cheers for the new crowned cat lady At least with them My heart is safe

On Time and Intangibles

Time is intangible.

We as humans in our feeble attempts to pin it down, to define what cannot be understood by us. Through pictures...writings...dates; we attempt to comprehend what is incomprehensible. We attempt to box what is amorphous and we attempt to control what is uncontrollable.

Time.

All of us are susceptible to it and yet I don’t think we can fully grasp its concept or true meaning. Is it linear or circular? Are cycles predetermined to repeat themselves or do we have the autonomy to change events as we see it? Do we hold the power in our hands to shape our own futures and destinies? Only time will tell. And no one will escape time. The time to age, to cry, to laugh, to pleasure oneself, and to pass. The stories that we shape today will be carried in the books of years we will never see. But time sees all, reads all, and has the ultimate understanding of everything we seek. Everything we attempt to put meaning and forethought to in order to understand the shapes we see, the sounds the smell, the prickles that ignite our sense of touch.

It’s all metaphysical mumbo jumbo anyway. If you really think about it. But somewhere among the metaphysics, amongst the known unknowns and unknown unknowns, there is time, and only if we can glimpse it in our lifetime, can we deepen the breadth of our knowledge and experience.

Time is intangible. But time tells all.

On Pieces

I leave pieces of me everywhere I go.

I leave pieces of me with people that I shouldn’t, people that in the grand scheme of my life thus far, have amounted to tiny grains of sand in a bottomless ocean. At any particular time. 18, 21, 23…they meant everything to me. They were the size of monuments in my eyes, their impact the same as pieces of flying rock that have created craters in the earth’s crust. They were everything I could see, I could think of. Without them, I might die…without them, I would crumble. And so when they enter and exit my life, like the ebb and flow of the ocean, I have left pieces, just as the ocean’s water leaves a trail of where it once has been. These pieces have been physical yes: a hoodie, a hat, sex toys, etc. And I have left these pieces with the hope that they would serve as the reminder of the impact I may have had in that person’s life. But that just stems from my need to feel needed, my incessant desire to have impact on others the way they have impacted me.

So I left those pieces, only to realize that they had been left in vain. Only to realize that I won’t matter to someone else until I matter to myself. But that is a long winding road…a path untaken, but one I must traverse to find peace and solace.

So I’ll begin to leave pieces of me with myself. With the eventual hope that one day, I’ll matter to me.

When a butterfly has her wings clipped, fluttering aimlessly amongst tress of darkness, left behind in the shadows of anxiety, When a bird is engulfed in a cage so small, her feathers crushed against despair masquerading as metal, vibrating around her like the beat of drums, A piece of her essence is destroyed, mangled, Gone I know why a cage bird cries Why a lone butterfly dies

18° 15’ N, 77° 30’ W

Yas Chile, Yas.

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