Normal Horoscope:
Aries: You’ve got some frog skeletons AND a matchbook. You are fuckin set aries. You’re good, nothing can stop you.
Taurus: Today for tauruses, switching to spanish for uno momento will cause you to burst into flames so dont do that.
Gemini: Strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet, and friends are archenemies that havent tried to kill you yet.
Cancer: Today your illicit plans will cross the border into a full on fiendish plot. Congratulations cancer!
Leo: Instinct will kick in when you realize you havent dug up any old grave, you dug up the grave of famous Belgian painter James Ensor.
Virgo: Turbo Botany.
Libra: All is done Libra. Let the past wash over you like a bathtub full of orange soda.
Scorpio: Never attribute to bad luck that which can be attributed to a CIA counterintelligence operation.
Ophiuchus: No way of telling until you try. Wear insulated clothing, and the stars say not heat insulated, electrical insulation.
Sagittarius: The heavenly bodies align to protect you today Sagittarius. If you get into trouble, the planet Jupiter will show up with a switchblade.
Capricorn: No rest for the wicked, and that includes you.
Aquarius: Communication. Write your affections on your significant other in permanent marker while they are asleep. Apologize profusely afterwards.
Pisces: When I asked the stars for your fortune they showed me a bunch of leaves they had glued to the wall so it spelled out “God is Dead”.
