It won’t make much sense, but this is what is on my mind.
I made a pretty big step today towards my future. Today I called a clinic up in Cedar Park, Tx. I heard about it from a friend who has already started her transition process. Now she told me about this because I have been wanting to start this process for years now, but just never knew how. I made my first appointment to just start everything for October 9th at 5:45. I’m super stoked for what’s coming with changes and everything. I’ve waited five years for this moment and to make this decision with a sound mind.
I’m not going to lie, I’m scared. It’s not that I’m scared about the process and what’s going to happen to my body or that I’m unsure of things, it’s that I’m afraid of everyone else. I may just be overreacting, but I’m also from Texas. Texas isn’t the most LGBQT friendly state. It’s more considerate of lesbian women though as opposed to gay men, but I haven’t experienced the transgender spectrum of it. I’m afraid of judgement. Yeah everyone says, “Someone will always judge you no matter what,” but I don’t know HOW they will if they do. I work at a dealership currently (we’ll see how long that lasts) so the last thing I need is to be shunned and pushed to the side or even avoided by customers. I guess I’m afraid of everyone else’s personal beliefs conflicting with mine.
Today after I made that appointment, I immediately texted my friends one by one saying “you love me no matter what right?” Because I’m scared of losing them or them thinking what I’m doing is “weird”. We’ve talked about it before and it seems like they could care less and like it won’t make a difference, but things are always different when it’s actually happening. Only one knows what I’m doing and she’s by me 110%. The other two don’t know yet, but I’m not ready to tell them. My sister and my niece are the only other two who know too. I should probably tell my other two friends, but I just want to wait til I’m IN Austin at that clinic. One is mad that I won’t tell her what I’m doing or why I’m asking her if she’d love me no matter what and I feel bad not telling her. I really might just be overreacting.
I wonder if anyone has these fears?
I’m scared of what my mom is going to say. I haven’t even picked a name because of the name she gave me before. My initials stand for my siblings names. M.M.C. Now I want a biblical name for me, but I know my mom put thought into my name so I want to keep my initials just for her so she doesn’t completely hate me.
My dad? He doesn’t like that I’m gay. He sees me as his little princess no matter what. I’m scared to tell him I’m making moves to become a prince instead. I know he’ll love me no matter what, but I don’t want to break his heart either. I’ve dressed like a boy for SOOOOOOO many years. He tolerates it and he knows I date and talk to girls. He doesn’t necessarily like hearing about it though.
My parents are older and more traditional. We’re Hispanic. I’m catholic. Majority of my family is too. I still try to go to church. I sit in the back because church scares me too.
So when I transition, will it be easier for me? Will I finally feel free in church?
I know a lot of people are going to bring up God when I for sure start this and that terrifies me too, but I want them to understand that I am not furthering myself from Him. I believe as much as the next person.
I’m scared of everyone around me. I’m 21 living in the same town as always. Born and raised. Everyone knows me or knows of me or even knows my family. It’s as if I’m coming out of the closet all over again. It’s like I’m sticking myself back in a shadow that I have to creep back out from. I just want to know, is it easy?
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