Oh, sweet irony.

When my loud thoughts start overflowing, this is where I dump all the incessant regrets and hopes and yearnings that are just too ugly or too disgustingly pretty to say aloud. It's not beautiful, but it's real, which is all anything can hope to be. Here lie the inner workings of my peculiar mind- feel free to take a look around. (:

[the-reason-i-sing]

I get set apart as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints tomorrow. My farewell talk is tomorrow. Tonight was pretty hard. My family went out to dinner for the last time together before I leave and people weren't really getting along, I think my dad was just having a rough night but I kind of thought they could all put things aside since it was our last dinner for the next year and a half. But he apologized & I forgive him it was just hard because I feel really alone. Before my best friend left I was with her all the time & I wish I had that support from a friend now because I don't feel I'll be really missed by anyone here that isn't related to me. Oh I need to stop crying and try to sleep. I'm just a mess & I'm really going to miss my family, even when they don't get along. I feel so entirely unsettled. If I were to paint what I feel it would be an oil painting full of colors, in uneven & distressed strokes, that won't blend quite right. Im terrified. I'm exhausted. I'm emotional. I'm happy. I'm melancholy. I miss everyone even while they stand right in front of me. I'm ecstatic. I'm lovely. I'm lovely. Im unprepared. I'm going. I'm going because this church is true & transforms lives. And that's that.

[theliteraryjournals]

My heart is so tired.

Markus Zusak, The Book Thief (via theliteraryjournals)

I really love this book.

[wnq-writers]

Forgive yourself for loving the wrong person.

Kriti, A simple reminder  (via wnq-writers)

[wordsnquotes]

You hurt. It’s okay. I hurt too. Hold my hand.

Neil Gaiman, Sandman: Endless Nights  (via wordsnquotes)

[the-reason-i-sing]

I'm starting to freak out. But I'm trying to be excited, not thinking about how terribly I wish my friend in Japan and my friend in Wyoming were here & how terribly I wish sometimes I got a bit more support from my friends here (oh, I'm selfish)... And I'm trying to think about how I will enter the MTC in 4 days & how my little district there will be my new family & how blessed I am to be able to go out and tell God's children how divinely loved they are. But ima little bit of a wreck. I think I should get some sleep soon. I had my first really meaningful to me experience in the temple today when I was there doing proxy ordinances with my mom & my dad because it was just a little reminder that I get those beautiful beautiful people forever. Ah I'm so blessed. Goodnight.

[the-reason-i-sing]

Tonight I went to a wedding reception of two friends of mine from high school & actually (surprisingly) had a really nice time. It'd been awhile since I'd sincerely enjoyed being in an environment like that & it was really nice. Quite a few people (especially choir people) I knew well in high school were there that were all two years ahead of me & it was oh so refreshing to see familiar faces. I miss me friends. I'm tearing up a little thinking about them, because I'm a little selfish. The reception was in a really nice backyard with a little dance floor stage & lights strung up all over the backyard. But a guy was there that I talked about on here pry 1-2 years ago an embarrassing amount because I've been in love with him since my Freshman year of high school & I've accepted I plausibly won't be fully cured until I find the person I'm spending this next forever with. And I think I'm okay with it, but I talked to him & some other really wonderful guys and was pretty content with social interaction at that point. But he asked me to dance. And it took me so off guard. & it was a Michael Buble song. (: But it was really sweet because there's no way he doesn't at least know I'd liked him in high school...his sister knew & I think he was trying to make my night. He tried teaching me swing & I could've been worse, I suppose. He spun me a lot haha. But it made me really happy. And I feel stupid typing this out because I report for my mission in 4 days & by the time I'll be home I'm so sure he'll be married and also because it's stupid- but I don't care. Because it wasn't meant to be but I feel at peace now. Also, I picked this picture because this is what I want my reception to be like.

[thelovejournals]

Perhaps the fact that I chased a boy who ripped me to shreds says a lot more about me than it did about him.

Michelle K., Lessons Learned. (via thelovejournals)

[thelovejournals]

Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Manon, Ballerina (via thelovejournals)

It's all about finding those that are worth the hurting.

[culturenlifestyle]

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[the-reason-i-sing]

Dear future fiancé looking to get me a wedding ringggggggg.

[simoestey]

Everything that I need from God has already been given, the issue now is my ability to access that which is already mine through Christ.

Steven Furtick “It’s A lot.” (via simoestey)

[wordsnquotes]

I wonder if things can happen too early or too late or if everything happens at exactly the right time. If so, how sad and beautiful.

Simon Van Booy, The Secret Lives of People in Love (via wordsnquotes)

[wnq-writers]

People underestimate the time I need alone. It is like breathing clean air for the first time. I am pure and oh so very alone.

graceful-in-defeat (via wordsnquotes)

[the-reason-i-sing]

Last day of work: my manager gifted me a cute notebook & had a few people sign it. It was sweet because she'd remembered I love notebooks. I was so afraid of her when I got the job, before I realized the softie she is. (: I said goodbye to that guy that asked me out a few weeks ago & I'm certain now that date isn't happening, which I'm a lil disappointed about because I was actually really awfully excited- but it was just going to be something to make embarking harder. He's not taking me- not out of apathy, but of respect for my decision & I appreciate that greatly. I was at that first job 10-months and I met some wonderful people and learned a lot. Last day of school. I have an entire year of college under my belt- what the heck. I'm still not a real adult, nor do I want to be, but I think my presence has paid off a bit. I really like community college because of how laid back the atmosphere is and how accepting everyone is. Last semester there was a class of guitar players that hung out around the music building – where I spent a lot of time – and they would all talk to me like we were best friends. This semester, one day I brought a lunchable for lunch because I am an actual seven-year-old, and found a hiding place to eat on some staircase & the only comments I got from people walking by were compliments on my lunch or hiding place. I also really like the diversity, and it is kind of cool to have people in my classes who have children my age. Get to learn with people from all different walks of life. But, yeah, my voice recital was this week (I got to sing a song from "Funny Face" !¡) & I even passed a math class, and now I'm finished. But all of these lasts, leads me to some firsts I'm fast approaching: first time living away from my family, first time teaching people who aren't five and six-year-olds, first time having a roommate it is not my sibling, first time doing 100 other things I'm afraid to do. And I am so terrified and ecstatic all rolled into one. I know this is going to be the best thing for me, and God is going to help me make it the best thing for other beloved children of His as well. And it is going to be hard, and beautiful, and impossible, and wonderful & I will never regret it a day in my life. But I start in 10 days.

[the-reason-i-sing]

I see a some picture of you on social media that your mom put up & all of a sudden I'm a year back in time, no growth, so strength developed, no anything, I just ache in an unsatisfiable way. And I can't quite put a finger on what I'm missing, because I'm fairly certain it's no longer you. You made me feel a lot of horrid things, but one thing you did do was make me feel devastatingly lovable & rare. & maybe that's what I miss. Oh, and being held like some precious thing was pretty nice too, I suppose. Gosh, these kind of regressions make me loathe myself. Something that's kinda cool, though: I've been clean of you almost 18-months, the length my mission will be. That's not so long at all. Lifetimes, but no time at all.

[steveogers]

idk if i’ve ever said this but i love sebastian stan

[thingsirealizedwhen]

You are not less of a person just because you’re hurting.

Things I realized when I thought about what I should tell you when you’re sad, part VI (via thingsirealizedwhen)

[wordsnquotes]

Anxiety can just as well express itself by muteness as by a scream.

Søren Kierkegaard (via wordsnquotes)