It's been 4 years
4 years since I've logged in or shared anything. (And apparently my blog is 13 years old now! Time flies!) I see it's changed quite a bit, so I might stick around. I don't know. On one hand I feel cringey about coming back and using Tumblr for some reason, but on the other hand I miss seeing the creative side to this site and sharing good art and my interests.
What really brought me back here though was the fact that I felt the need to make a post about how I'm feeling. To go back to "venting" on here like I used to. Just for the moment though. Thankfully, since being on medication I don't feel as trapped or stuck inside myself like I used to. I'm able to handle my emotions and thoughts and feelings in a much healthier way than I used to and actually talk about things. Thanks Prozac!
I really just feel the need to vent right now though in an effort to express myself, not because I don't talk about it, but I guess to just articulate better in words how I'm feeling and how I have felt the past 5 months.
April was a very difficult time for myself and my family and everything has changed tenfold since then. My father had a massive stroke and wound up in the hospital for nearly a week. He almost died and we were fully prepared to make funeral arrangements. But he came back around, sort of. Since then he's made leaps and bounds in progress physically. He has no paralysis, only some nerve damage and numbness of his feet and hands that come and go. He can walk well and does not need a cane or any other assistance. He passed physical therapy in only a few weeks with flying colors. Unfortunately it's the cognitive side of things are not good. There is permanent damage and he will never be the same person ever again. What caused the stroke was a severe blockage in his left carotid artery. He was on medication (and lifestyle and diet changes) these last several months to try to break up the blockage some so that he could have surgery to take the rest out and put a stent in. But none of the treatments have worked. The blockage is still there -- 90%+. So the only other option is to do a bypass through his scalp. There are many risks involving the surgery and of course after, and it won't prevent another stroke from occurring 100%, but it will help lower those odds. Despite this, despite showing my parents the studies and research how bypasses still can greatly reduce the risk of stroke despite all the other factors involved, my father has refused. The doctor basically said that without surgery, the next stroke he has will likely be worse than before and if it doesn't kill him it will render him unable to do much of anything.
My dad has since been forced into retirement and can never return to work. He was forced to sell his farm because he can't do the heavy lifting anymore. He can't tinker or reprogram technology like he used to. One of the smartest and headstrong men I knew now struggles to comprehend what he reads, cannot write, stutters horribly when talking (but can still speak sentences and is still undergoing speech therapy), and cannot drive. I see him feeling depressed and angry and grieving over what he's lost. It makes me sad and angry too and it brings me to tears thinking about it every time. And I really, really wish there was more I could do.
I mean, is there? I'm trying. I've been trying to find him new hobbies. But I don't know where to begin. He has autistic tendencies, so he's very specific with his hobbies and hates trying new things. He loves animals but cannot own a farm. He has always loved technology but has a hard time comprehending it now and it frustrates him trying to use a computer or phone anymore. He hates going out and has developed paranoia now since his stroke. He doesn't talk to anyone hardly, never really had before but now it's worse. His eyesight is permanently damaged now so reading is hard for him although he still does and tries his best. He does take walks, but not far or for very long. Again, I think because of the paranoia with people seeing him in this state now. He's never been an artsy or crafty type and doesn't like those things.
My brother lives at the house now and doesn't do much to help out. He's taken them to appointments when mom can't or doesn't feel like driving. He's fixed up some stuff around the house since the stroke happened, but that's about it. He's otherwise a pathetic piece of furniture that just takes up space, plays video games half the day, doesn't contribute to shit, complains about everything he doesn't like, yet still does not have a job after being back here these last few years. (No comment on my parents handling that situation -- I'm an asshole and I would've kicked him out after a year but whatever) My mother is stressed being power of attorney now with handling all of my dad's finances and benefits, while also going to appointments with him and explaining things to him to help him comprehend what's going on. She's doing a decent job handling it all. I've offered to help with the finances just to take some stress off her shoulders, but she refused. She says she can handle it, so be it. I do step in and chauffeur now to their long distance appointments when my brother refuses, because again, he's a useless piece of shit. The communication between my mom and my dad has been terrible though. She's not patient enough with him and cuts him off guessing what he's trying to say and it just frustrates him more. Between that and my brother just being a useless leech, the house is tense. Some days moreso than usual, and yesterday was one of those days. I couldn't wait to leave. I hate to say that because I want to spend as much time with my dad as I can while he's still here -- because I always have a sinking feeling that he won't be here by next year.
It's been hard jugging this with my job in which I can't even keep FMLA benefits with because the company they use loves to fuck people over and deny the benefits where they can because paperwork comes up "missing". (I call bullshit and I'm ready to kick someone's rear end through the phone now that I've had my claim closed 3 different times by these morons. Oi) Without these benefits in place, I'm not excused at my job to even care for a parent because heaven forbid the company I work for even remotely gives two shits about their slaves to offer an unpaid single day off. On top of all this I am in the process of job hunting yet again.
I guess that's all I have for now. Did this make me feel better? Eh, maybe? I don't know. I think I just wish I could live another life right now.












