Randominities

This blog is purely dedicated to ramblings about life and health, my love of books, movies, music, and art, my slight obsessions with Supernatural, Harry Potter, food, and nutrition, as well as a variety of other fandoms, and any other random musings.

[the-shrinkingviolet]

It's been 4 years

4 years since I've logged in or shared anything. (And apparently my blog is 13 years old now! Time flies!) I see it's changed quite a bit, so I might stick around. I don't know. On one hand I feel cringey about coming back and using Tumblr for some reason, but on the other hand I miss seeing the creative side to this site and sharing good art and my interests.

What really brought me back here though was the fact that I felt the need to make a post about how I'm feeling. To go back to "venting" on here like I used to. Just for the moment though. Thankfully, since being on medication I don't feel as trapped or stuck inside myself like I used to. I'm able to handle my emotions and thoughts and feelings in a much healthier way than I used to and actually talk about things. Thanks Prozac!

I really just feel the need to vent right now though in an effort to express myself, not because I don't talk about it, but I guess to just articulate better in words how I'm feeling and how I have felt the past 5 months.

April was a very difficult time for myself and my family and everything has changed tenfold since then. My father had a massive stroke and wound up in the hospital for nearly a week. He almost died and we were fully prepared to make funeral arrangements. But he came back around, sort of. Since then he's made leaps and bounds in progress physically. He has no paralysis, only some nerve damage and numbness of his feet and hands that come and go. He can walk well and does not need a cane or any other assistance. He passed physical therapy in only a few weeks with flying colors. Unfortunately it's the cognitive side of things are not good. There is permanent damage and he will never be the same person ever again. What caused the stroke was a severe blockage in his left carotid artery. He was on medication (and lifestyle and diet changes) these last several months to try to break up the blockage some so that he could have surgery to take the rest out and put a stent in. But none of the treatments have worked. The blockage is still there -- 90%+. So the only other option is to do a bypass through his scalp. There are many risks involving the surgery and of course after, and it won't prevent another stroke from occurring 100%, but it will help lower those odds. Despite this, despite showing my parents the studies and research how bypasses still can greatly reduce the risk of stroke despite all the other factors involved, my father has refused. The doctor basically said that without surgery, the next stroke he has will likely be worse than before and if it doesn't kill him it will render him unable to do much of anything.

My dad has since been forced into retirement and can never return to work. He was forced to sell his farm because he can't do the heavy lifting anymore. He can't tinker or reprogram technology like he used to. One of the smartest and headstrong men I knew now struggles to comprehend what he reads, cannot write, stutters horribly when talking (but can still speak sentences and is still undergoing speech therapy), and cannot drive. I see him feeling depressed and angry and grieving over what he's lost. It makes me sad and angry too and it brings me to tears thinking about it every time. And I really, really wish there was more I could do.

I mean, is there? I'm trying. I've been trying to find him new hobbies. But I don't know where to begin. He has autistic tendencies, so he's very specific with his hobbies and hates trying new things. He loves animals but cannot own a farm. He has always loved technology but has a hard time comprehending it now and it frustrates him trying to use a computer or phone anymore. He hates going out and has developed paranoia now since his stroke. He doesn't talk to anyone hardly, never really had before but now it's worse. His eyesight is permanently damaged now so reading is hard for him although he still does and tries his best. He does take walks, but not far or for very long. Again, I think because of the paranoia with people seeing him in this state now. He's never been an artsy or crafty type and doesn't like those things.

My brother lives at the house now and doesn't do much to help out. He's taken them to appointments when mom can't or doesn't feel like driving. He's fixed up some stuff around the house since the stroke happened, but that's about it. He's otherwise a pathetic piece of furniture that just takes up space, plays video games half the day, doesn't contribute to shit, complains about everything he doesn't like, yet still does not have a job after being back here these last few years. (No comment on my parents handling that situation -- I'm an asshole and I would've kicked him out after a year but whatever) My mother is stressed being power of attorney now with handling all of my dad's finances and benefits, while also going to appointments with him and explaining things to him to help him comprehend what's going on. She's doing a decent job handling it all. I've offered to help with the finances just to take some stress off her shoulders, but she refused. She says she can handle it, so be it. I do step in and chauffeur now to their long distance appointments when my brother refuses, because again, he's a useless piece of shit. The communication between my mom and my dad has been terrible though. She's not patient enough with him and cuts him off guessing what he's trying to say and it just frustrates him more. Between that and my brother just being a useless leech, the house is tense. Some days moreso than usual, and yesterday was one of those days. I couldn't wait to leave. I hate to say that because I want to spend as much time with my dad as I can while he's still here -- because I always have a sinking feeling that he won't be here by next year.

It's been hard jugging this with my job in which I can't even keep FMLA benefits with because the company they use loves to fuck people over and deny the benefits where they can because paperwork comes up "missing". (I call bullshit and I'm ready to kick someone's rear end through the phone now that I've had my claim closed 3 different times by these morons. Oi) Without these benefits in place, I'm not excused at my job to even care for a parent because heaven forbid the company I work for even remotely gives two shits about their slaves to offer an unpaid single day off. On top of all this I am in the process of job hunting yet again.

I guess that's all I have for now. Did this make me feel better? Eh, maybe? I don't know. I think I just wish I could live another life right now.

[the-shrinkingviolet]

Demisexuality

So yesterday was National Coming Out Day. While this isn’t about me coming out, per se, as I am a hetero female, it did get me thinking further about the... accessory (I don’t know if this is even the right term to use? I’m still learning) to my main sexuality. 

I didn’t feel the urge to broadcast this to family or anything, as I know it would bring up more questions and I didn’t want to bother having to explain myself. Not to mention this is purely me, not totally a big deal, and I feel it’s not my family’s business to know anything else. I wasn’t sure where else to put these thoughts other than coming back to Tumblr since it seemed fitting, and my page is fairly private.

So a few months ago over the summer I came across the term demisexual from an old friend’s FB post -- basically her stating that she was demi. Admittedly, while I am a huge supporter of LGBTQ+ and everywhere in between (you do you boo), I am unfortunately not very good at keeping up with terms and identities. That being said, demisexual was one I was not familiar with. 

I brushed it off for a while to look it up. I don’t know why I decided recently to look back into it. My gut was telling me something, and I had to listen.

You know that feeling you get when you read about something you haven’t heard of before and you realize it identifies with you to the core of your soul? So heavy it’s like getting hit by a bus? Yes? No? Well, that’s what it feels like to me. I felt the same thing when stumbled across terminology for social anxiety and social phobia when I was a teen (officially diagnosed in early 20s), and I felt the same reading about demisexuality.

I know I’ve always been a bit... naive when it comes to romance and relationships and whatnot. However, I honestly never knew that being attracted aesthetically to someone’s physical appearance was not the same thing as being sexually attracted to them. Yep. Almost 30 years old and didn’t know that. I feel pretty foolish about it, but hey. I didn’t know, and apparently demisexuality is a very subtle thing, so it does make sense in a way why I wouldn’t know.

Growing up, it was weird being around other girls in school as they talked about what guys were hot, which celebs in which movies were good looking, what they would love to do to them, etc. I felt like an alien pretty much 100% of the time. There wasn’t a single celebrity I found attractive until I was about 16 or so, even then I never thought about having sex with any of them. I just imagined what it would be like to get kissed and have conversations with someone that romantically liked me. That’s it.

As for sex, I was pretty repulsed by it most of my teens honestly. I never watched porn, still never have to this day as I find it disgusting. Sex scenes in movies also often grosses me out. And yes, I was always called a prude for this. I never felt the urge to masturbate or anything. Sex wasn’t a main priority so why everyone else made it as such was just odd to me. What was even weirder was the fact that people literally just hooked up for one night. Why? I still don’t understand this to this day and could never picture myself doing it, ever. (Especially now since I’m married)

When I did develop real life crushes on guys I knew -- which I can only count on one hand how many crushes I have had in my life, my first one being at 13 -- if I didn’t know them personally, I just thought about how nice it would be for them to notice me and talk, kiss me once and that’s about it. I never imagined making out with anyone.

Most of my crushes that I did have were of guys I knew and were either friends with or were once friends with. I never realized that was different from everyone else. That girls often dated guys who they weren’t friends with first. For a long time I literally didn’t know this was a thing. I always assumed relationships were always like really good friends first because that’s how I always imagined them to be. Being the lovely socially awkward teen that I was, I didn’t bother dating anyone all of my teen years. I was scared and timid mainly. Scared of rejection, no confidence in myself, and overall afraid to show what little experience I had and not wanting to have sex with anyone.

Which brings me to my very first relationship which led to marriage. It makes even more sense now why I chose to be with the person I’m with now, and not having any other relationships prior to this. (Yes I’m lucky, and I am also very fucking happy I did not have to navigate the sea of dating.) My now husband and I have known each other for over 10 years. (Holy shit I feel so old typing that.) I’ll save the long story, but I always said I never felt the same feelings with other guys as I did with him. I couldn’t explain it. Partly that feeling was the fact that he was my soulmate, but also because I had a connection. It wasn’t his looks that I was attracted to, although I do love his beard, dark hair, and blue eyes because that is what is aesthetically pleasing to me with men (you could call it a type I guess? Although I don’t find myself swooning with many guys that have these features). But what makes me sexually attracted to him the most is our history and emotional bond.

***TMI Alert***

As for sex, I now understand how I’m not so sexually charged. There are many days where I’m not in the mood at all. Like flat out, “No thank you. There is nothing you can do that will get me aroused, please leave me alone and don’t touch me.” I am also specific which... um... positions I prefer as well. Most positions repulse me and I don’t know why. They just do and I can’t explain it. There are also positions I very much enjoy and I stay aroused with them. I always thought I was broken with all of this, but really it’s just me. (Side note: My pelvic floor kind of is as I also have vaginismus and it makes things difficult, I was working with PT on this recently, but new job has put it on hold.) I mean, I’m not broken, but I prefer not having sex most of the time. Probably more often than most people. I’m not asexual, because I DO feel arousal and will pursue when I want to, but it’s rare. Now I’m understanding from this and from what I’ve been reading how demisexuality does fit under the umbrella of asexuality, even though it is somewhat different.

I’m still reading more about this, but I wanted to type this up to get my thoughts out of my head. I feel like this little weight I didn’t know was there has been lifted and it feels good to know that other people are this way too and it’s not just me and my weird self. It used to stress me out a lot not being aroused or not liking being touched when I feel like I’m supposed to be. I mean, I still get stressed about it, but now knowing I’m demisexual, it’ll help a lot to work on accepting myself and my body more.

[the-shrinkingviolet]

Jesus I haven’t been on here in what seems like years. (It’s really been almost 2 years...)

I’m only here though to vent. Because I wasn’t sure where else to put this and I just really need to clear my head right now. I didn’t want to clog up the SPW forum with my misery either. I feel I’ve been posting enough there lately.

I’ve been in a really dark place recently. I don’t entirely know why, and I feel like I SHOULDN’T feel this way at all. I’m married to a guy that probably loves me more than I can imagine and I in no way feel I deserve him with the way I act sometimes, I have a house I never dreamed I’d ever live in on a patch of land I also never imagined I’d ever have, I have a set of friends that care about me even though I don’t live so close to them anymore, I have a healthy diet and am able to afford the foods I need, I’m starting a farm with my husband we dreamed we’d own someday and we’re making it work, I have a bachelor’s degree in the field of study I yearned to have, and I’m working at a place I’ve wanted to work at for so long, working in a city that I love. But I’m just so sad, angry, anxious, depressed, and disappointed all the time. I cry almost every day. I yell almost every day. I hate myself anymore.

That loving husband is never home. When he is, we bicker a lot, and it’s mostly my fault. I have a shit attitude because I’m miserable and have no one to talk to. This house is nice, but the cosmetic work that needs to be done is getting on my nerves. I never see any of my friends at all anymore and that makes me really sad. My family only talks to me when I or they need something. I never get a “how are you?” I never did anyways, but it just seems to hurt more now. Farm plans are not moving fast enough for my liking, but will hopefully pick up in spring. I am now realizing that I don’t think I like my field of study, and the place I yearned to work at for so long is actually miserable to me. The woman I looked up to and wanted to study under and work for isn’t who I thought she was and it has literally broken my heart a little I think.

My job is fucking boring as hell. Every day I prep files, I sort them, I put them away. I read schedules and makes changes. Day in and day out I see clients. I don’t help them, I’m just a stand-in assistant for the practitioner I wanted to work for. I wanted this job so badly, I was requested personally for this job as well, and I got it, and now I don’t want it anymore because I hate it. But I don’t think I’d hate it so bad if I wasn’t the subject and victim of some severe toxic micro-fucking-managing. I’m still learning. I make small mistakes with a few appointments every single day - I sometimes don’t hear something correctly and record something wrong. Or I don’t record anything when apparently I should, but I can’t read any cues when the conversation is going between client and practitioner. I make small mistakes when writing in files - a missing number, or forgetting to staple something. And I’m told about it every. single. day. Changes are made in front of my face, in front of the client. I could be writing something in a file, and she’d grab a pen and write in the file right next to me something I may have missed. I have been writing in files before and she’d cut across me to type something in the computer that I hadn’t yet gotten to. If she’s not doing it she’s stating it. “It’s [this]. Not [this],” “This needs to be stapled,” “Where is this?”, “I need [this], not [this].” Etc. etc. When she doesn’t mention anything, my mistakes are mentioned to coworkers to tell me about them. (WHY???) And I keep making the same mistakes because I can’t seem to learn from them. Every time I try to do something I feel like it’s wrong and I second guess myself. I was told when I started that she was a blunt person and to “not take it personally.” I’ve been trying really hard, but I just can’t shake it. I have only been told that I’ve been doing a “great job” and “working really hard” twice since I’ve been there. I rarely get praise, I only get critiqued. I find it hard to know what she wants because I’m not allowed to ask her questions. Lulls in between appointments I’m not allowed to talk to her. She is answering emails and sometimes making phone calls. If I have a question I have to ask my coworker, who trained me for this job.

I feel myself slowly not giving a shit. I feel myself slowly distancing myself from this job and I don’t want to. I’ve only had this job for almost 4 months, I don’t want to fuck this up because I feel I don’t have anywhere else to go. :(

I have been talked to twice about “expanding the business” and how they want to utilize my ideas. That’s great, except no one has asked me further about my ideas. No one has asked me to plan anything. I don’t talk to my coworkers because I feel like I can’t talk to them. I feel like whatever I mention will get talked about behind my back. There’s a clique system for sure, involving only two people - the practitioner and the marketing person. I have heard some of the conversations they have. It’s so.... idk. Toxic? Clique-y?? I don’t know the term for it but I don’t like it. Every day I dread going to work. Everything in my gut tells me something isn’t right. 

But then some days are okay, and some days I come home and I don’t feel so bad, and so I think maybe it’s just me. I just don’t know what to think anymore.

I’m trying really hard to get into therapy. I have already requested a 2 hr intake to be scheduled. But I can’t seem to actually get anyone to fucking call me back so I can schedule an appointment. And they’re already booking so far out that I need to get in soon. I don’t want to be miserable for another freaking month.

[the-shrinkingviolet]

I needed someplace to vent really quick and this is the only place I could think of even though I never come here and don’t like coming here.

My uncle died suddenly two evenings ago. I don’t know what happened and there is still no obituary yet. Because of wedding and finals with school there is no way I can even go to the funeral either as it will be out of state. I had just started talking to him again a couple months ago after not seeing him in 5 years. The last time I saw him 5 years ago he put on a lot of weight but was really happy and otherwise looked like he was doing really well. He got remarried (my aunt had passed 5 years prior) and I briefly met his new wife whom was quiet and very nice. The last time I talked to him in the beginning of March he apologized to me that he couldn’t make it to the wedding. I was slightly disappointed, but I expected it as he lived in NJ. He was having back problems for awhile and had to have surgery. I never did hear how the surgery went and being so busy with school, work, and the wedding I never got a chance to call him and check up on him again. :( The last time we talked we had talked about visiting in the fall. I told him he would really like my fiance and I’d love for him to meet him. He said when we were ever down that way to just stop on by and he would happily give us a place to stay and we could all go out. I was so looking forward to it and now it won’t ever happen.

All afternoon I’ve been lazy, feeling trapped in my own body because I have no motivation to do anything. This morning when I woke up all I felt was heartache. I shoved all my feelings aside this morning and I felt good. Or so I thought, but maybe I was just faking it idk. I went to school for a couple hours and since I came home I haven’t done much of anything except lay around on the couch. All I want to do is cry. It sucks and I’m so sad. :(

Before my parents moved to NY, he and my aunt (before she passed) always filled in as kind of our grandparents. They loved us and we loved them. We’d go out to dinner with them and go out to the beach and out for ice cream every so often during the summer. Whenever we got dinner together, they always took us out for ice cream. He was always joking with and teasing me. I didn’t always appreciate it then, but I really miss it now. He also always gave me the most awesome bear hugs. The last time I saw him in person, at another aunt’s funeral, he told me, “You know, between you and your brother, you’ve always been my favorite. Your brother’s a good kid, but I’ve always liked you a little bit more.” And he gave me that warm smile and bear hug I always knew. That was a moment that’s always stuck with me and made me appreciate our bond even more.

I miss him so much. :(

[the-shrinkingviolet]

Logged into Tumblr for the first time in a year and a half.

I see that porn blogs are STILL following this page in abundance for some ungodly reason.

So basically nothing has changed. I’m out.

[the-shrinkingviolet]

I haven’t really been on here in 2 weeks, but it feels like longer. I’ve been refraining on coming here anymore because I don’t feel as much joy anymore logging in here and reading stuff or posting stuff for that matter. A lot of what goes on here is really just... dumb. And I’ll admit I’ve been miserable. I’ve been a miserable person here lately, and irl, and so this little corner of the web that used to be my escape I quickly turned into a horrible place where all my negativity gets dumped so I can momentarily clear my head.

This post is another one of those miserable negative posts. But I have to. Because if I don’t I’m going to lose my mind. I’m already losing my mind, it feels like. I feel so broken anymore. I’m so broken and in pain and everything hurts. I don’t know what to do with my life, with myself, with anyone around me - if they even care enough to be around me.

Things are not good with my parents. My mother is still sick, stuck to home, has to rely on everyone else to take care of her. Her friends can’t help because they have their own lives, my brother can’t help because he’s a narcissist and doesn’t live her either, her step-sister who was helping her got a new job and can no longer help her, my father - who still lives there - refuses to help and works all the time anyway. That leaves me, and I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I’m 2 hours away and working and in school. I have worried about her constantly for half the summer, trying everything I can to get there as often as I can or to talk to her as often as I can to be filled in on her progress, what doctors are doing (or aren’t doing in this case), and how she’s feeling. I can’t keep up being so far away and it’s so frustrating.

My parents’ relationship is extremely fragile. It has been for years, but this year has really taken a toll and is practically non-existent. They never talk to each other, when they do it’s cold and brief. They argue quite often. When they’re in the same room, not talking, the tension is so thick, you’d think a bomb was about to go off. My mother always complains about him to other people and insults him, either behind his back or even with him in the room or within earshot. They don’t even sleep in the same bed anymore. My father took over my old room and sleeps on the pull-out loveseat that was moved into there. He refuses to do anything around the house except eat and sleep. My mother tries but can’t due to her health. Speaking of which, their house is going completely to hell. It’s absolutely disgusting anymore. They’ve always been mild hoarders, but the last year or so has really taken a toll and now there’s so much junk and filth, it’s embarrassing. Being an old house that hasn’t been taken care of properly in so long, there are so many repairs now that need to be done it’s almost not worth salvaging the place. It’s so horrible and I hate the fact that they live there every day. I hate to stay there whenever I’m down for more than a day, at that.

This week their (used to be mine) dog died suddenly from an accident. It was something that just happened so quickly, it has shocked and hurt everyone. The driver felt so bad, but there was nothing he could’ve done. It was just a horrible accident that was somewhat her fault, but at the same time not. She was just doing what she loved best -- running. She loved to run, but she ran out in front. She never does that but she did and it killed her. I’m still in shock. I’m so upset. She was such a wonderful, loving animal and I miss her so much.

Since this happened my parents really have not talked to each other. There is so much pain lingering there now, I don’t want to be there. I want to help so bad, I want to reach out so badly, but I feel like there’s nothing I can do. I advised my mom that she really should be separated and move in with us so I can keep an eye on her because she is no longer fit to be alone or do things on her own because of her epilepsy and medication issues. She already told me she didn’t want to do that because she doesn’t think it’s fair to me. I already told her it didn’t matter what was fair, we’d all be better off if she moved in because I could take care of her and worry far less. I’d feel a lot better if I could keep an eye on her every day.

As for my father I’m so, so angry. I’m so frustrated I don’t know what to do. I want to talk to him, yell at him so badly, but I can’t bring myself to. I don’t know what to do. It would be far, far easier to text him, but I feel he wouldn’t take it seriously. My frustrations have been building for years with him but now it’s surfacing and I don’t know how to handle it.

On top of that, school just plain sucks. I hate my major and I feel like there is no hope left with this career field. Or at least with this major and getting my degree anyway. I just want to drop out. I don’t care. I owe thousands of dollars for nothing.

The last couple months, and especially this week, has left me so broken I don’t know what to do. I feel angry, frustrated, lost, sad, depressed, upset, confused, scared, worried, anxious. What do I do about my parents? How do I talk to them? I can’t leave my mom alone, what do I do? I need to talk to my father, what do I say? How is my mom going to get better? What can I do to make things better? What do I do about my career? Where am I going? What am I going to do?

I feel like that maybe if I never moved away, none of this would’ve happened or would be happening.

[rayjii]

Which type are you?

[andreggvil]

the hell is 6 i have never seen anyone do 6 before

[guygirder]

he just ate 15 mild chicken wings and dont want sauce on his glasses whats not to get

[the-shrinkingviolet]

I think I need to admit that I don’t like working with my manager a lot.

I hate saying that, but I believe that’s partly why I’m so damn moody/grumpy right before I have to go to work during the morning shifts.

She’s a nice person, she really is. To work with her though? It gets tiring. Extremely tiring. I appreciate that she loves the work that I do and recognizes I’m a hard worker, but sometimes I wonder if she takes advantage of that.

Like today was a really long day. The only reason I was able to leave at 2pm is because she gave me the choice. If I didn’t, I was easily going to end up staying there until 3pm because she started an afternoon task and wanted to finish it. Working 6am - 2pm is really freaking long when you’re not able to eat and you’re on your feet the entire time. 

And that’s another thing -- when she sometimes schedules people to work 8 hours or more, she’ll tell them that they’ll get a half hour or so break. I was never told this. Even if I was, it’s impossible to take a break. And those people never take that break either because they choose not to. It’s impossible because there’s just so much to be done most of the time.

She’s also extremely nitpicking which really gets on my nerves. There’s going to be a level of nitpicking in food business. There absolutely has to be because of safety regulations (and also - business-wise - financial management), and I fully understand that. However of what she’s nitpicky about has nothing to do with safety or finances so much as it’s just not her way.

Like today, I removed the donuts from the display case this afternoon to reduce. We typically don’t take them out until 3 or 4pm, but there were 3 empty trays and a half tray left. They hadn’t been looked at or touched in nearly an hour and the store was dead. There was no way anyone else was going to bother, as it was a hot 90-degree afternoon. No one eats donuts on a hot afternoon. That’s why I did it and I told her that was why. (Sidenote, I was talking to the store owner - aka my true boss - the entire time I was doing it and he didn’t say a thing to me and had absolutely no problem; he would’ve spoke up he had one) I know she didn’t like it and it pissed her off, because as I turned my back for only a few seconds to put more donuts on another tray, she snapped at me to get a customer. This person was only standing there, literally a few seconds. I was just over there to that part of the counter to wrap donuts. (Her rule is to immediately drop whatever you’re doing and jump on customers the millisecond they get there; I personally fucking hate that, as a customer; and I know others do too; besides doing that really wastes time and gets nothing done)

Mind you, all morning she was in a good mood and was laughing and joking with me. All of a sudden she was quick to piss off over something little like that.

She was fine later, didn’t treat me any differently. But still, I guess I’m just afraid of her staying mad or something after something stupid like that and treating me like shit.

[the-shrinkingviolet]

One of my professors finally uploaded content to Blackboard for one of my chemistry classes.

Her syllabus seems extremely strict and it seems like it’s going to be a heavy course, material wise. Lots of quizzes and assignments, which must mean plenty of notes. Or at least I hope there’s plenty of notes.

Even though class starts at around 4:30pm, she expects you to be there 10 minutes early.

She grants absolutely no excuses for absences by the looks of it. So I guess if you die, she’ll still expect you to come to class.

(I personally hate professors who are like this, or rather this particular viewpoint.)

So basically my professor is probably going to be a massive jerk...? This semester is going to be awesome.

[wtfml]

me halfway through shaving my legs: I don’t want to do this anymore

[krabby-kronicle]

[animations-daily]

Life’s a little bit messy. We all make mistakes. No matter what type of animal you are, change starts with you.

[daisyrid-archive]

if there’s one piece of advice I have for anyone in high school right now, it’s that community college isn’t a bad option. like at all. in fact I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t gone to community college before I transferred to my current university, I wouldn’t be prepared whatsoever. don’t be embarrassed to attend community college if your grades aren’t up to par or even if you can’t decide on a school or a major yet. you’ll save tons of money and I guarantee you that you’ll learn so much from the experience. there was always a stigma with community college when I was in high school but believe me when I say it’s all bullshit. don’t rule out community college ok?

[the-shrinkingviolet]

I went straight to a university right after high school and I honestly couldn't handle it. Me, a straight A student in high school, could not handle the jump right into university. I lasted a semester before I transferred to a local community college and moved back in with my parents. I was dealing with a lot of other things too, as I was struggling with health issues and depression and social anxiety, but still. Community college was so much better, and cheaper!! I certainly didn't love all my classes, as I worked on a liberal arts degree and took nothing but gen eds since they didn't have my major. But the classes were smaller and it was much easier to get help when you needed it. Don't think community college is some sort of downgrade from going straight to a university. It's honestly really helpful, and can prepare you pretty well with what to expect out of university as a whole.

[shencomix]

Tactical Denial

image / twitter / facebook / patreon

[the-shrinkingviolet]

So today at work, the two coworkers that hate me got into a huge argument with my manager this morning and walked out on her.

I had to be called in early to help (was supposed to work at 11am, got called in at 9am). I guess the argument was about them accusing my manager of favoritism and me being a suck-up.

My manager doesn’t even play favorites. I’m not sucking up to anybody. All I do is my job. I try to be really nice and respectful to everyone, including the customers. Even on my bad anxiety and depression days, I suck it up and shut out the self-negativity and I try my hardest to be nice and to not show any weakness. I know I’m not perfect, but I try really hard to do my job and duties right. I try to fix my mistakes when I make them. I try to cover all my bases before the end of each shift. I was brought up to work really hard to earn my pay. Plus job hunting is hard enough, I seriously respect being given one as much as I sometimes hate this position. I never take it for granted. All of this trying and working really hard has earned me a handful of really good acquaintances that really respect me. And I respect them equally.

When a coworker asks me nicely to do something, I will gladly do it. When a coworker demands something done, and tries to boss me around because I haven’t worked there as long as them, I don’t listen. I do my job that I’m doing and I finish it and move on to what I know, and believe, needs to be done. When a coworker gives me attitude for no reason, I ignore it the first or second time. Third or fourth times, if I’m feeling tolerant. If it continues longer, then I’ll give it back and I’ll tell my manager that there’s an issue. This has only happened 3 times. And 2 of those times happened with those two coworkers. I’m not a tattler. I don’t snitch on people for my benefit. (If I were a snitch, then I could have almost a book written by now of all the cruddy things workers do in food service.) I will say something when I feel it is necessary, but otherwise I just ignore people like that. 

My manager and her (and my) boss are so pissed off at the two of them. With all that happened, and what has been happening with these two damn coworkers, a part of me still feels at fault. I know that’s stupid to say, because clearly I’m not, but still. If it wasn’t for me working there, then maybe everything would still be okay with them. I say maybe because I guess this isn’t the first time these two have started things and have stormed out on my manager. But maybe my manager wouldn’t be as stressed as she is now.

At the same time, however, a part of me relishes the fact that these two - mother and daughter - blew up today and stormed out. Their actions alone speak volumes of how they are and how they’re the problem, not me.

In my six months of working there, I have helped train new employees, been taught things not every coworker is taught, have assisted with managerial duties (again, not every coworker is taught these things), and gotten a raise - which in turn gave a few others a raise. I’m not a special person, but damn it I’ve already made a really good impact and I think that’s something to be proud of. I’m PROUD of what I’ve accomplished in a stupid small town deli/bakery. I literally went from being a nobody to being somebody in such a short time. Hell, customers - many of whom refused to even accept the fact that I worked there; they didn’t like me because I was new and a 20-something, not an older, seasoned worker - now like to see me and will talk to me. And they don’t talk to a lot of the younger employees, but they’ll talk to me. And that makes me happy, damn it.

Those two have impacted my emotions so much, and I never really realized it until today. Up until now, every time I did something that made my manager or boss happy, or every compliment that either of those two gave me, I thought to myself that I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve that affection because I’m just doing my job. And subconsciously I MUST be sucking up to them somehow. It’s just pride and it’s getting to my ego, I don’t deserve that and I can’t become that sort of human being. But no, that’s not it at all. 

Like I said before, I’m naturally a hard worker and respectful. Those things alone drew in positivity, the recognition, the support and respect of other people. 

Not me. I didn’t force myself on anyone. 

I just did what I did. I did me. And it worked for other people. 

And everything that that has earned for me I am PROUD of. 

I deserve to be proud of that! I deserve to be happy!

[chrissyisabear-deactivated20190]

am i the only one who is self conscious about my windshield wiper speed when it’s raining. like i gotta watch other cars to make sure im not being too dramatic

[notorious-aqaurius7]

Same

[bpdpoc]

Does anyone else with anxiety find themselves constantly googling the definition of different words? Even if I know the definition of the word, I still google it before I use it in conversation just in case I was wrong so I don’t look stupid. Is that just me?