The_Solomon_Sage

researching the most random bullshit since 1903

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

vampires who lie outrageously about meeting famous historical figures, when in truth they mostly spent the last 500 years cooped up in dilapidated castles & caves like cranky hermits. nonetheless, interviews with vampires are technically considered primary academic sources, to the continual annoyance of the entire global community of historians

[the-solomon-sage]

Counter-idea: Vampire is proven to have met a historical figure, but doesn't remember them, so the interview is them attempting to remember what happened. Must be told in the unreliable narrator style.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

group of adventurers breaking into your standard booby-trapped ancient forbidden temple/labyrinth/tomb/whatsit--accompanied by a UNESCO World Heritage archeologist whose only professional concern is site preservation

[the-solomon-sage]

That's just Atlantis

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i will never stop ragging on english but tbh all languages are terrible & i hate them

[maxine-mainstreammaedchen]

German has the ability to stick words together however it pleases, and it’s common.

Our word for Mitten is handshoe

Or word for plane is flything

A word for a driving vehicle is drivething

A general word for green vegetables Is greenstuff

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

i am re-examining my previously stated opinion, thank you for expanding my viewpoint

[the-solomon-sage]

Ask them what a helicopter is.

[itsapmseymour]

What’s your favourite element on the periodic table of elements?

Potassium

[carcrash-ventass]

Because it’s the banana element, or because it explodes?

[itsapmseymour]

Yes

[the-solomon-sage]

And because of the "k" response pun?

[pukicho]

If you could erase any creature from the earth, what??

[the-solomon-sage]

Marylanders.

[itsapmseymour]

What post is above Oren that caught their attention?

[the-solomon-sage]

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

it’s possible there is a better feeling in the world than remembering u have leftovers in the fridge, but i’m dubious

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

nah i am 150% certain it is remembering u have leftovers in the fridge

[the-solomon-sage]

Remembering both that you have pets at home and that your leftovers are safe to share with them

[itsapmseymour]

what, is, your, solution, to, writing, with, to, many, commas, ?

Can, you, even, write, with, too, many, commas, ?

The, public, must, know, mr, Seymour, . >:0000

Just say it like Shatner and it's normal

[the-solomon-sage]

New Homestuck writing quirk just dropped

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

Alternatives To Sleeping in Coffins

An Illustrated Guide For Vampires

1. Privacy Tent

2. Antique Chinese Wedding Bed

3. Victorian Box Bed

4. Canopy Bed

5. Full Body Wearable Blanket + Novelty Halloween Mask of Choice

6. Hyperrealistic Black Bear Sleeping Bag (with built in ‘Do Not Disturb’ feature)

7. Tinfoil Bodysuit (For maximized UV protection)

8. Blackout Curtains You Fucking Vampiric Dumbass

in conclusion why in fuck’s name are you sleeping in coffins to begin with you utter shitmuppets

[voidingintotheshout]

Back in the early 1900s when vampire lore went mainstream with Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the lore that was original to the vampire idea was that they needed to sleep in some of the dirt where they were buried. In fact in the original 1920 something Nosferatu he has to transport crates of the cursed soil where he was buried around if he wants to travel. That’s the origin of the coffin thing. So, if you’re a vampire, sleep ends up becoming like a return to your grave that you have to do every night day, but now your grave can be anywhere that your coffin sits with some of the burial soil. That aspect of the myth of vampires has faded away with time, but that’s the origin of it at least. I know nobody was looking for a real answer but, there it is.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

VAMPIRES WHO JUST STRAIGHT UP SLEEP IN FLOWER BEDS AND COMPOST BINS

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

found in the notes:

#vampires curled up in large planter pots like cats

#I raise you: budget vampires who sleep in one of those turtle sandboxes with the shell-lid on

[the-solomon-sage]

Vampire who bought a dump truck and modified it a bit, holding earth in the back and using it as a mobile home.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*shows up to a high-society cocktail party with a purse filled w/ 300 garden snails* these are my escorts for the evening

[the-solomon-sage]

"What do you have there?"

"It's cargo"

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

found in my 4am drafts folder:

spiritually, i am a bulldozer

[not-av-ampire]

spiritually, i am being bulldozed

[the-solomon-sage]

Spiritually, i am no longer allowed to operate a bulldozer

[itsapmseymour]

Pm in the cosmic wonders pilot when acai says that salt is bad for slimes does that mean they are allergic to it if so what happens when slimes eat salt

They shrink

[alduranattackdog]

Oh, is it because salt sorta takes away water, and you said previously that slimes in water makes them expand. Like, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction sorta thing.

[itsapmseymour]

Bingo

[its-me-cryptotech]

WAIT WAIT WAIT, does that mean if Grape fell into a lake he’d cause great shenanigans?

[itsapmseymour]

Sounds like someone didn't see this video

[the-solomon-sage]

So hypothetically speaking, if Solaria was ever mad at Grape, would she increase her temperature, or bring out a dehumidifier?

[ask-the-crimson-rivers-society]

@pmseymourva

So. It has come to this. You have continuously ignored The Crimson Rivers. So we are finally to take action.

The crimes of the condemned are...

Well, there are none, but we are deeply offended at your constant ignorance of our existance.

We are to cut your garlic bread supply, isolate you from your creations, and remove "Editor Andy" from the equation so that maybe we can talk face to face.

Danny, the creator of this all, got into your video ONCE. A few months ago, because he got into the asks of the mighty @i-am-a-snom .

So, we are to continue the quest of your approval, and to be noticed by you.

[i-am-a-snom]

cc - )___\ You come into MY BLOG.

cc ó )___\ Threaten MY ADOPTIVE PARENTAL FIGURE.

CC Ó )____\ AND DARE TO CALL ME TO IT.

CC Ó )____\ THAT'S NOT GOING TO SLIDE!

CC Ó )____\ GET OVER HERE!

[itsapmseymour]

Oh now you done it, you upset my adoptive bug child.

Sick 'em

[the-solomon-sage]

POPCORN, GET'CHA POPCORN HERE!

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

I hope that someone, somewhere, voluntarily and unironically ends up spending New Year’s Eve reading the new chapter of my GRINCH x TONY THE TIGER Fanfic.

It has been read by a nun, blessed by a priest, and received rave reviews up to and including my personal favorite: “the best fic i’ve ever read in bible class“

…wait does the priest thing mean my cursed fic has technically been exorcized

[the-solomon-sage]

Being blessed doesn't make something un-cursed, per se. After all, explaining the communion is absolutely cursed, yet is a time-honored practice among the various christian religions.

Honestly, bring blessed just gives it more power. It can enter any church without fear of combustion; it may more easily enter and attach itself to a person's soul without that reader feeling corrupted; and most importantly it could feasibly be turned into a play for a christian summer camp.

[itsapmseymour]

It’s weird to think a simple slime bunny design can evolve, and yet…

[the-solomon-sage]

No thoughts, head empty vs. About to nickelodeon slime god

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

please stop forgiving my sins I worked so hard on those

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

“your sins have been forgiven my child” bitch do u know how much PLANNING–

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

“your soul will be accepted into the kingdom of–” I DON’T WANNA GO! BITCH PUT ME BACK

[findrahil]

same energy as the “i think it would be very therapeutic if god tried to pick me up and i bit their hands and scuttled away” post

[serialephemera]

It has been eight point seven years since my last confession, the bear trap, while innovative on your part, was NOT NECESSARY

[the-solomon-sage]

Stop sneezing and they'll lose an excuse to bless you

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

due to the realities of the current real estate market, a supervillain who runs their superlair out of one of those rentable co-working spaces

[the-solomon-sage]

The villain, after learning the hero(s) crashed 3 different areas in their attempt to stop said villain, proceeds to move between several different spaces to further thwart the hero(s). This has resulted in the hero(s) being banned from several buildings and being put in the town's security watch list