The Stardust Shard

ΘΔ it/its - a broken entity's journal - psychosis and psych ward as main content - FR/EN

[the-stardust-shard]

oh look yet another horrendous self absorbed shithead aggressively coming to menacingly push me to move my car away from my own parking spot because “no its ours you dont have the right to be here” despite the landlord already having gone to see him and tell him that this wasnt his

and i dont have my pepper spray here… fuck me…

i don’t have any trust in humanity and i probably won’t ever regain any

[the-stardust-shard]

of course the day i start having a slightly better mood the takeout place decided to lie on their ingredients and almost sent me to the ER, forcing me back to bed suffering

thanks inconsiderate shitheads, you’re one of the reasons i have no trust or faith in humanity anymore

[the-stardust-shard]

but i guess some still have a use for me

[the-stardust-shard]

more and more makes me nauseous

i dont even want to bother with med paste when it all makes me taste bile and cramp in pain

funny how life decided to really nail in every part of me and destroy it

i cant even count the amount of cooking gear and books and ideas i won’t ever be able to touch again

i barely enter the kitchen now, mostly to drink a bit then leave

fuck all this

[the-stardust-shard]

in a weird state rn

neg but dulled by benzos and exhaustion

id probably have si if my mind could catch on and focus but its not there; good ig, spirals are more urgent to deal with

still, i feel no emotion but i do feel Stress

it’s a weird kind of feeling, being able to observe the physiological signs of presence of panic to varying levels but not being able to actually feel any of the panic itself

it just feels bad

[the-stardust-shard]

going through the motions expected of a day

not that i particularly care for them, it just makes it easier for everyone so it’s less load to handle

[the-stardust-shard]

in a weird state rn

neg but dulled by benzos and exhaustion

id probably have si if my mind could catch on and focus but its not there; good ig, spirals are more urgent to deal with

still, i feel no emotion but i do feel Stress

it’s a weird kind of feeling, being able to observe the physiological signs of presence of panic to varying levels but not being able to actually feel any of the panic itself

it just feels bad

[the-stardust-shard]

whatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepointwhatsthepoint

[the-stardust-shard]

maybe i should open that excel file again

[the-stardust-shard]

won’t do anything stupid anyways

6x the dose should make me sleep hopefully and ride this nightmare out

[the-stardust-shard]

maybe i should open that excel file again

[the-stardust-shard]

scared

lost

idk

[the-stardust-shard]

idk if ill ever feel safe

or be safe at all

rn im not

idk

[the-stardust-shard]

i dont even know how to deal with this

meds arent enough, clearly

i dont even know if anyone could even help

i feel so lonely

[the-stardust-shard]

scared of being constantly surrounded

everything's too loud and violent

none can be trusted, all they do of their days is lie

how can one feel safe in this shit

[the-stardust-shard]

for them the solutions always the same

pretend pretend pretend

im not a fucking liar

i fundamentally cannot pretend

im not fit for surviving in this hellhole

i just wanted to be safe

from my creation i still havent had the chance to be safe

idk if ill hold out long enough to maybe possibly discover that

i dont even know how i could reach that and neither do every single fucker supposedly responsible for helping me with this

no wonder i dont trust them either

[the-stardust-shard]

scared

lost

idk

[the-stardust-shard]

idk if ill ever feel safe

or be safe at all

rn im not

idk

[the-stardust-shard]

i dont even know how to deal with this

meds arent enough, clearly

i dont even know if anyone could even help

i feel so lonely

[the-stardust-shard]

scared of being constantly surrounded

everything's too loud and violent

none can be trusted, all they do of their days is lie

how can one feel safe in this shit

[the-stardust-shard]

scared

lost

idk

[the-stardust-shard]

idk if ill ever feel safe

or be safe at all

rn im not

idk

[the-stardust-shard]

i dont even know how to deal with this

meds arent enough, clearly

i dont even know if anyone could even help

i feel so lonely

[the-stardust-shard]

scared

lost

idk

[the-stardust-shard]

idk if ill ever feel safe

or be safe at all

rn im not

idk

[the-stardust-shard]

scared

lost

idk

[the-stardust-shard]

sometimes i look at my hands and just feel like all i barely remember from our childhood’s fake, that i created lies or exaggerated to fill the gaps, that i’m feeling so neutral that it must be wrong that anything happened

at least now i’ve got direct confirmation from enough partners and friends that i show being dissociated at least 90% of the time which is Definitely Not Normal and which also explains the emotional neutrality/detachment i feel nowadays regarding most things

i wish it wasnt almost only the negative that came through the dissociation though

[the-stardust-shard]

i feel fucjing sick

physically and mentally and dysphoric and idk just

disgusted and lost

[the-stardust-shard]