I think about a time we were together, years ago. Not together, together, but we acted like we were. I wished we’d were. Part of me wants to believe in different circumstances we would be. It doesn’t matter as much now.
I went to see some friends for the first time in god knows how long. It’s a longer story to get into with why so much time had passed. To cut through that, I had admittedly been through a bit of a ‘shut-in’ spirit at the time, and she encouraged me to go out. She always did that, encouraged me.
My friends were in college at the time and I was going to hang out with them at their dorm, maybe grab some food and catch up about life. Her and I had meant to go to the same campus, her friend went there as well. It was convenient for us to go together and come back to my place afterwards. She had practically lived with me at the time. Driving her to work, picking her up, waking up next to her, feeling her hug me in the morning, before we went to sleep.. I could go on. Probably best not to. I was elated she did though, I never regretted a second.
Anyway, her plans had fallen through for the night, so she decided to stay at my apartment while I was out, watching her shows and just lounging until I made it back. Didn’t want to come out to tag along to mine. Invited her of course, but 'needed a night in’, she said. Found out later that she wanted to rearrange my apartment. I kept it that way even after she was gone. Until I was.
Clear night, still early enough that the twilight just dissipated. Stars barely starting to peek out. I’m on the road back, not 15 minutes away, and she calls me. Asked if I could pick up Wendy’s fries, adding ‘before you come home to me’ then she giggled and hung up. My heart jumped out of my chest every second for the rest of that drive. Ordered as fast as I could and sprinted up five flights of stairs when the elevator was taking too long. I still smile remembering how she said ‘damn did you run here?’ after I fell through the door, fully out of breath.
Over half a decade later and I can still hear the excitement in her voice when I told her I was home. That I left early because I missed her. God did I miss her. Hard not to. Not the same way I do now, with this grief and heaviness that tears my soul apart, but with an otherworldly eagerness I haven’t quite been able to muster since we last saw one another. She lit a fire in me that only the gods could snuff out. It still burns, a bit dimmer now, admittedly. Maybe it flickers a oddly these days. It’s there though, I can feel the way it warms my soul when I see a box of cookies with her name.
Makes me smile, thinking about how she toured me around the apartment she spent the night ‘revitalizing’, as she called it. Presenting everything with a grand gesture, throwing her arms towards it, like a showman would in the circus. The goofy expression on her face and the exaggerated way she brought me up to every little thing. I loved every part about it. I loved every part about you, in all your goofiness and care. More than anything I loved you. When the night came to an end, I gave you a key. I wanted you to stay forever. Guess I never got over that because I never asked for it back. I hope you kept it.
We never said goodbye. You left with a ‘I’ll see you soon, okay?’. My words back then never seemed to come out right. Riddled with anxiety about saying the wrong thing, I ended up never saying fully what I felt, and because of that, I didn't get the chance to say truly what was in my heart. I should’ve told you how much you meant to me, how much I loved you with every fiber of my being. I still do.
Wendy’s fries are still my favorite. It’s the closest I get to home anymore.


















