White Walls

A 20 year old that has had two mental health hospital admissions to deal with PTSD, Bipolar, Depression and addiction issues. The stigma around mental illness is still fulfilled with so much judgement and criticism so here I am being open about my own personal battle. So here is my day to day journey, I just hope one day you can find the strength to reach out like how I have.

[the-whitewalls]

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[the-whitewalls]

[the-whitewalls]

The taboos around suicide leads and exposes us to being more vulnerable to suicidal feelings and we further make ourselves more isolated. This isn’t healthy. You need support people and networks and great distractions. We aren’t sure what to do or say as everyone has their own thoughts around mental illnesses, so quite often we say or do nothing.

[the-whitewalls]

Listen to this song, you can understand how important it is to push and keep going through the pain. I know it’s exhausting fighting this war in your head and ignoring the demons, but you have the strength to overcome this. ❤️

[the-whitewalls]

[the-whitewalls]

Second Admission

I’m so sorry for the lack of posting. I will post all about my second admission tomorrow. I need an early night sleep tonight it’s been a very long week. Don’t forget you can send me a message if you want me to post about a particular subject and advice based around it, or if you just need someone to talk to. Keep going!

[the-whitewalls]

Day 123

A few weeks ago I felt as though happiness was like Santa Claus, it didn’t exist. But only this week have I felt that happiness that I’ve always wished for and that everyone talks about. Just be easy and kind with yourself, you’ll get there eventually; good things take time as they say.  

[the-whitewalls]

Day 122

Sorry I haven’t been so active. Some severe upsetting changes are happening on the outside world so I’ve been dealing with those. Will post and update soon xx

[the-whitewalls]

Day 121

With me having bipolar 2, which is more depression, I'd rarely have manics. That’s what led me to drug and substance abuse as I wanted that high I would get like how it would feel when I was manic. I couldn’t cope with the crash from the mania it was depressing hence why I would always numb myself to feel that spark.

[the-whitewalls]

Day 120

Remember you can't always see depression. I masked mine extremely well, everyone thought I was so happy but really little did they know that inside I wanted to die.

[the-whitewalls]

Day 119

You have a choice to conquer your fears or let them control you. Mental illness sabotages us and makes us avoid or not want to participate in fun everyday activities. So don't let it control you! Be strong.

[the-whitewalls]

Day 118

The key to success is the ability to fail. You learn more from failing then you do with winning. If we don’t feel depression and pain then how the hell do we learn how to be happy. Life will be filled with lots of highs and lows and we need to learn how to deal with the two in a healthy way. Also when you are mentally ill critique your behaviour not your character as you aren’t there when you are suffering with a mental illness. 

[the-whitewalls]

Day 117

Have written a little pick me up book filled with so much stuff relating to depresssion. If you would like a copy message me. They are $10 and half of the profits are going to R U Ok? Xx

[the-whitewalls]

Day 116

Remember you have the strength to overcome this hard chapter. We were given this painful chapter for a reason, to find our strength and struggle and help people with it. xx Find the beauty in your pain. 

[the-whitewalls]

Day 115

some days, some weeks, some months, you will drop right back to your worst again. it’s normal. just rest and don’t expect too much from yourself. do the bare minimum. carry on surviving. you’ll loop back up again

[the-whitewalls]

Day 114

A little overview from the past 5 days,

​I hate feeling so hollow and empty, my mind keeps wondering to a dark place full of suicidal thoughts. I hate that the only thing comforting me is my blanket right now. Even though I oversleep I can barely get out of bed. I felt guilty for coming into a mental hospital as I had to leave everything around me just like that and be moved to a small room feeling like a nobody and knowing nobody. I felt as though I had given up when I came in as I just wanted to end the war zone and self destructive thoughts in my head so easily and was in so much denial  that I had a mental illness due to the stigma being so judgmental and not acceptive of it at the time. The thoughts would tell me I was weak, nothing, and worthless. I believed them

so dangerously nearly ended my life. if you go to hospital just be patient, the treatment is long but so worth it. But apart from that, well I am still exhausted mentally. I am trying to be strong as I have accomplished so much throughout my treatment already. I just want to feel happiness. I hate the mask.

[the-whitewalls]

Day 113

I Iook at my scars and see something. I see someone. Someone who has been struggling and trying to cope with her battles. I see the inner pain who I don’t wish upon anyone else to go through. My scars show pain and suffering, but they also show my will to survive.