Anyway. Tomorrow is Leo's fifth birthday and it is a weird time for me internally, obviously. There's a photo of me from just after he was born, like minutes after (I think - I don't remember it being taken) and I'm not sure if I ever posted it here, I certainly won't be doing so now lol but it's me looking up at the camera and attempting a smile, clutching Leo to my chest, umbilical cord still snaking out from underneath the drapes I didn't ask for, and thinking of it makes me feel slightly insane because I swear you can see so clearly on my face that I've just endured the thing that's decimated me and is going to continue to fuck me up for years to come. Like not the fact of Leo himself but pretty much everything else about the experience from start to finish. And yeah. It's weird. I feel weird.
