Sometimes I wonder if we were ever actually a system before the DID, not because we've suddenly became anti nondisordered systems or anything, just like, none of it felt real? Not in the dissociated way, just that like, we felt like we were putting on a show for others, we made ourselves use neos so we could fit in with similar introjects, we made ourselves use xenogenders because every other introject we saw used xenos that matched their source
We constantly tried to get our member number higher and higher so we could brag about it, so we could always be the one in the conversation to say "heh, well, we actually have ___ headmates!"
We always forced typing quirks onto our members so that they would be seen as different than anyone else in our system, we tried avoiding using binary genders and "basic" orientations for our members, it felt more like we were just pretending to be one and appeal to the masses even though, at the time, we 100% thought we were a system
I can say with certainty we are one now, and we still assume our system started wayyy before we ever "figured it out" the first time, but still, like, the chunk of headmates from when we thought we figured it out to when we became disordered? None of them seem real, looking at their SP profiles, none of it feels like they're there, or ever have been
None of them have fronted in forever, and if we tried to make them front I know we wouldn't be able to, if anything, we'd form someone new to take their place. In fact, recently, one of our first headmates, Joker, he had an sp profile for awhile, but he actually only just fronted a few weeks ago and redid everything, cause our original knew he was there, but instead of him actually fronting and them figuring it out, they just pretended to be him and thought that was him
Maybe it's about time we start using fakergenic for ourselves, it's the only thing that makes sense nowadays anyway, we never purposefully faked, but even if we hadn't, we think we did, not in the self doubt way, in the "I'm a young kid surrounded by other systems, and the only way to get attention in this place is to be a system, so maybe I'm a system!" way
Idk chat I have strep throat and need to rant ok
