Addicted to Love

A hopeless romantic who wishes she were a cynic

[thealignmentofmyheart]

#3

You asked me to be your girlfriend 3 times. The 3rd time stuck.

You tried to break up with me 3 times. The 3rd time stuck.

Well, I guess 3 is our lucky/unlucky number.

[thealignmentofmyheart]

Time Loop

So here I sit six years later on a different bed, in a different city, a little older, a little wiser but with the same overwhelming heartbreak. 

How many shattered dreams of love can one person survive in a lifetime? 

I really thought my next try I could get it right.  But again I managed to find another man who refused to commit. How did I get so lucky?

So again, I cry and write and cry. And hope and plead to God that a third time really is a charm. 

[thealignmentofmyheart]

Shipwreck

I feel like I’m sinking, some days faster than others. and I just want to sink 

Down

              Down

                             Down

Left the waves of grief and heartbreak was over me until I’m buried on the bottom of the ocean.  But each time I reach out to a friend and grasp at their words, their texts, their presence like a life preserver.  A floating piece of wood in the wreckage.  And for a bit at least I’m hanging on. 

But what happens when the wood begins to disappear and the texts are more infrequent?  What if my need exceeds the lifelines I’m presented and still unable to tread water I have nowhere to grasp? I feel like I’m using up my resources too quickly.  Soon I’ll have nothing. And the empty inside will match the emptiness around.  How then do I stay afloat? 

[thealignmentofmyheart]

Killed a wolf and turned a fairytale upside down #diycostumes #peta #halloween2015 #littleredridinghood

[thealignmentofmyheart]

Coming back to SB after a beautiful time in Monterey with @gabeschloss :)

[thealignmentofmyheart]

In case you didn't get enough of this last night :) #nofilter #januaryinsb

[thealignmentofmyheart]

With you

With you I always wanted too much, asked for too much, needed to much.

So I learned to stay quiet, to push my self deep into the corners of your life, into that space where your bed met your wall because you couldn't sleep with me there taking up so much room. 

If I was silent and still maybe I could stay. 

I learned to live on the fringes of your life, to accept it even.

This was enough I would tell myself, enough for now.

Until a moment would come and I would catch a glimpse of something more and a twisted hope would sneak in pictures of possible futures, futures based on silly words but never truth.

And I grew restless and tired and frustrated

So that is how you viewed me: insecure and needy

But that is not who I am.

[thealignmentofmyheart]

Empty Burdens

I've released you.

Finally opened my clenched fists and let go.  

So like you wished for so many years, you are free

But now stunned you refuse to leave

Clinging to old promises you so vehemently denied 

Resurrecting gestures so long overdue

Please stop

I feel my hands grasping

The emptiness in my fingers becoming more and more apparent

I let you go

so why do I feel this burden?  

[thealignmentofmyheart]

I love walking this dinosaur :) #workday #campcanine

[thealignmentofmyheart]

Another day at puppy school :) #puppytrainer #lovemyjob #sawyer

[thealignmentofmyheart]

Dog Training 101

Lesson #1: "Dogs will do what works for them"

Meaning: A dog will do whatever it takes to get the reward they want.  If jumping up or barking gets them the attention they want they will continue with this behavior.  If a dog gets attention or reward without working for it then they will continue to refuse to listen when trying to get them to listen.  

If only I had learned this 3 years ago.  Man, I really fucked this one up with you.  

[thealignmentofmyheart]

[thealignmentofmyheart]

Finally cracked?

There are things I want to tell you.

I just don't really feel like talking to you. 

[thealignmentofmyheart]

Tripping up

I know I didn't fall for you the first time and now you're happy with someone else, but if another you came along I promised myself I wouldn't be so stupid again.  

[thealignmentofmyheart]

Tired

I'm tired of still wanting you.

Does that mean I'm getting over you?

[thealignmentofmyheart]

Bus Stop.

The weight of losing you finally hit me as I drove by the bus stop where we decided not to try, then made out, then agreed not to talk. 

[thealignmentofmyheart]

Please and Thank you

Could you do me a favor?  Please return or destroy all the letters I ever wrote you.  I don't want you to have that part of me anymore.