Had a big thought about the #Swarla story on Coronation Street, so I wrote a 18k words essay about it...
THREE AGAINST THE WORLD
Why Becky coming back might just be the last missing piece to the puzzle that will spell out that Lisa, Carla and their family have indeed found the forever kind of love.
A BIT ABOUT HOW WE GOT HERE
During the days after the cliffhanger of Becky showing up and Lisa dropping that glass of red wine, I was mostly doing one thing: Trying to find my point of entry into this storyline again, so I could properly enjoy it for whatever it was going to be.
When it became "official" that the show would go down the road of Becky being alive, I couldn't quite get behind it. I don't know how else to say it really: I was in the middle of this story with all my heart and then one cliffhanger had me feeling like I had suddenly lost my connecting point, my point of access.
Trying to figure out where that feeling was coming from, I realised it had nothing to do with the choice of bringing back Becky – which was a choice perfectly in line with the genre of soap – or with the story itself – after all, at that point there was no way of knowing where any of this would go, so how could that be the reason for the way I felt? No, what had me feeling a little disconnected all of a sudden was me – I was the reason. More specifically, it was my background in film and storytelling. As much as I love watching soaps and all kinds of tv-series or films, there is a world in tv/film and storytelling I have somewhat of a special bond, an especially strong connection with. It's the world that is home to arthouse-cinema, indie-shortfilms and character-driven storytelling that focuses on finding ways to tell on a screen what a person goes through on the inside. That is important to the point that while I appreciate every genre for what it is and can enjoy them for all they are, sometimes I can't help but watch them with the backdrop of being at home in the world mentioned above. And sometimes that disconnects me from shows or films when they make choices that are very rooted in their genre because that's when the differences between that genre – in this case the genre of soap – and the world of storytelling that I feel at home in, so to speak, become the most evident.
Understanding that really helped me because it gave me the chance to figure out a way of watching this story thanks to which I could still enjoy it – something I was (and still am) determined to do because it has really hit a spot in my heart and I wouldn't want to miss that for the world.
The "way of watching this story" that I have found is – for all the reasons mentioned above – one that is deeply rooted in arthouse-/indie (short)film and the also already mentioned way of storytelling that focuses on visualising the most internal feelings, emotions, journeys of a character. I feel like that's important to keep in mind, in order to be able to follow along with what I'm going to propose in the following, in order to literally understand where I am coming from with all of this.
What I did was ask myself what Becky coming back would mean in, let's say, a small arthouse-ish indie-short film like the ones I have worked on at film school. Finding the answer was easy: You would bring back a person who died, in order to literally give the people grieving them the chance to tell them the things they never could, ask them the questions that have been keeping them awake at night, say goodbye, give them a moment they know will be the last, give them the chance to make it count, let go, make peace with it or begin to do so, at least.
And suddenly, just like that, it clicked. There is was. My "access point", my point of connecting to this story again.
What if it isn't actually Becky who has come back? What if the Becky standing at Number 6 is not the Becky who died, but rather Lisa's and Betsy's grief personified? What if having to face her, having to endure whatever she will bring into their lives, is Lisa and Betsy facing the parts of their grief that they have been bottling up for years, that they haven't had the strength or courage to face and really feel yet? What if that grief is still occupying a part of their hearts and the only way to reclaim it is to feel through the grief sitting there? What if that is the only way they will truly be able to fully move on and into this future they have been building? With hearts that beat freely with every ounce of their being, without parts of themselves still being literally held (back) by the pain caused by the past? What then?
Well, then this might not only be my (newly found) connecting point to the story, it might also be a connecting point that will sit way deeper in my heart than I thought it would, and it might even make me sit down and write a 18.000 words heavy essay on it.
A LITTLE DISCLAIMER OR TWO
I have spent the last weeks trying to properly figure out if this way of looking at the story of Lisa, Betsy and Carla is one that works beyond the excitement of the first thought. I have done a lot of rewatching, trying to watch scenes with the backdrop of that thought – and what I have come to find is more than I had thought I would. To me, it really opened a whole new world in the sense that it opened a whole new, additional perspective to the story. Feeling like there was enough there to "back up" where I was coming from with it, I decided to write it all down. That's how we ended up here.
Still, I have to put a little disclaimer here and say that what follows is not "bulletproof". There are parts to this story, moments, scenes that don't fall in line with my way of looking at it as much, that could be interpreted in a way that contradicts it even. That's simply because the story probably wasn't intended or written to be watched the way I am proposing. Still, it's possible and makes the story even richer, the way I see it. Because I am not outlining a "different" perspective on the story, but, as I've said, an "additional" one. What I mean by that is that I am not going to ignore the fact that choices are being made to drive the plot along, that this is a story being told on a soap and it is possible to watch it for just that. I am merely saying that you can look for an additional part of the story that enriches it, if you look a little deeper, dare to take a leap... So that's what I did and that's what I'm inviting you to do, too.
That being said, I want to stress that I am not proposing that the Becky who has come back, doesn't actually exist, is a mere imagination of Lisa or whatever (like it would maybe be the case in an arthouse film, for example). Again, I am writing all of this on the very basis that first and foremost this is a "perfectly normal" story on Coronation Street. All I'm doing is adding a little bit into the between of the lines being spoken.
Writing about something so theoretical in an understandable and accessible way is sometimes hard, but I hope I managed to do it anyways.
For the purpose of being able to "mark" where I am referring to the story as it is told on screen (a story on a soap, nothing more) and where I am referring to my "additional perspective", the metaphor I dare to put underneath it all, I will sometimes be referring to the story on screen as the "surface" level and whatever it is I am adding to it the "deeper" level.
Please also know that while sometimes I may make it sound like grief was a quite clear, almost linear process with a beginning and an end, I am aware it is nothing like that and I am not trying to insinuate that at all. The problem is that understanding or discussing the concept of a film or series, the way storytelling "works", it's all weirdly "theoretical" – all while you are similarly writing or talking about emotions that go way past theory or words, for that matter. Therefore it's sometimes necessary to "break down" emotions into something rather "theoretical" as well – you need that as an anchor, as a solid ground to stand on, so that you can then really fall into the feelings and emotions part of it all. That's why it's sometimes necessary to break down big emotions that usually couldn't fit into words, a sentence or a paragraph, into something you can grasp, a process with a start and finish, for example.
IT HAS ALL BEEN LEADING TO THIS MOMENT
Doing the work I have done to be able to hopefully get this right, I have come to understand that if you dare to look at this story the way I do, everything we have seen so far, especially of Lisa's character, has been leading up to this very moment of Becky showing up at their house. I briefly entertained the idea of really starting from the beginning here and walking you all the way through it, but it was simply too much to be done all at once, all in one piece. So I decided to bench that part for now and instead fully focus on what happened after that moment while sometimes referring the previous moments, too, of course. But: Since I have trouble keeping inside what makes me lose sleep at night (quite obviously), there will be a second part to all of this where I will indeed take you back to the very beginning. So if you make it to the end of this absurdly long piece of writing and still find it in you, I invite you to come back once I have finished writing part two.
LET'S BEGIN
All of that being said, all I have left to say before actually getting started is this:
Thank you for taking the time to at least give this a chance, thank you for maybe daring to take this leap with me and following through. I hope you enjoy the ride I'm about to take you on. x
LITTLE HINTS
Before we do a deep dive and start dissecting this storyline bit by bit, there are a few little "hints" towards my way of looking at things. Take them a little intro to what will follow.
1. Becky doesn't knock, she just shows up. It's been driving people online mad and rightfully so. It's also a bit weird. Well, maybe it isn't when you consider that an emotion like grief doesn't politely knock at your heart's door waiting to be let in either. It just shows up and leaves you to deal with its presence. Except, there was this one time Becky did knock, right? Yeah, keep that in mind, we will get to that...
2. Besides "knocking-gate", there is also the fact that Becky doesn't really act like a professional being undercover. She's wearing that green jacket with the hood all the time, sure, but that's about all she does when it comes to being "careful". There are countless examples of moments one could argue she didn't behave the way you would expect from someone who needs to stay hidden. Enough examples for that thought to have crossed probably just about every viewer's mind at least once now. Something just feels off.
3. The last thing I would like to mention before going for that deep-dive is also one I have seen people discuss online quite a bit. Over the past year we have heard both Lisa and Betsy talk about Becky on numerous occasions and I feel like I am not alone in the sentiment thatthe Becky we have come to see with our own two eyes doesn't quite fit the image we had loosely made up in our heads, at least not entirely.
It could be that the breadcrumbs we had gotten just weren't enough to really have any sort of picture of her, it could be that living the life she's lived for the past four years just changes you, it could be that Lisa's and Betsy's words were heavily impacted by the fact Becky had died and therefore painted a picture focusing on certain aspects to Becky's character while leaving out others. All of that is fair and a valid way to look at the matter. But like with just about everything I am mentioning here, there is another way to look at it: If Becky is less Becky and more so Lisa's and Betsy's grief, she needs to bring both – the good and the bad, to put it very simply.
Grief is pain, but it's also pain that's rooted in love. If it wasn't for the love we have for the person we lost, the grief wouldn't hurt as much as it does. So Becky keeps mentioning she has come back because of how deeply she loves Lisa and Betsy, but what she brings with her isn't that warm feeling of being loved. Just like grief that finds its way into your heart because of how deeply you loved someone, yet it doesn't feel like the love lost – quite the opposite sometimes actually.
At times the grief even goes as far as manipulating us into thinking we could never be happy again, shouldn't be; at times it fills us up with guilt because we are the ones who are still here, who have dared to find happiness again while the other person didn't even get a proper chance at life; at times it tries to hold us back from moving on, manages to keep us in the past, pulls us back in, pretending it could bring us back to what we have lost, when really all it does is take from us what we were about to gain. Now take that and think about what we have seen unfold on our screens... Yeah...
All of that being said, let's do that deep dive I've been talking about. I will take you through tons of moments that have occurred ever since Lisa dropped that glass of red wine, in order to explain why this thought I randomly had, probably because of my background in arthouse-film and storytelling, became an actual perspective one can watch this whole storyline from. So, let's get started, let's have Lisa drop that glass of red...
THE FIRST IMPACT
When Lisa sees Becky standing in front of her, her first instinct is to call out for Carla to help her because it's her who's been Lisa's rock throughout all of this, who's helped her to find the courage needed for her to be able to start facing what she's been trying to bury.
It's hard to put into words all of the feelings Lisa has been carrying around with her for years. It's grief quite clearly, it's guilt, it's the pain that comes from both, it's anger at whoever's responsible for it all, it's the fear of not being good enough when you're all that's left and the fear of this not being the last time your heart will have to endure a loss like this. It's all of that and then some, it's definitely more than words. For the sake of writing, I will be using the terms above.
The fact that Lisa carries all of these feelings and more, is shown to perfection in the episode Becky returns and Lisa literally moves through all of them, bounces back and forth between them, doubles over under the weight of them crashing down on her at once, somehow manages to keep going anyways.
Taking on "my" perspective, Becky coming back is representative of the gates being opened in Lisa's heart and suddenly, as she comes face to face with Becky, what she really comes face to face with are all of these feelings that have been bottled up, sitting in her heart, waiting for her to be ready to face and feel them.
What I mean by that is that she has been walking through the world having all of these oftentimes suffocating feelings sitting in her heart, weighting it down. I tent to call them "unresolved" feelings because to me that's what they are – in the sense that Lisa hasn't properly faced them yet.
Grief, pain, guilt, anger, fear – once they have found their way into your heart, you will feel their weight until you find the courage and strength to literally feel yourself through them. Your heart needs to beat you through all of it. You feel it, you hurt, you remember while trying to forget, you make space for the memories and a small part of the pain that will never go away, you feel it all and you ride it out and you learn to live with it, around it... Either way, you learn to live again, truly live, with a heart that beats steadily and is ready to feel everything that life has to offer again. It can't do that being clouded, occupied, weighted down by forces as strong and heavy as the feelings described above. Well, it can, but not fully. So while there is absolutely no doubt that Lisa loves deeply, has done so always, and while her heart is clearly in it when it comes to her relationships with Betsy and Carla, there is this part of her heart that has been locked down, unable to follow through, still having to play host to these, as I liked to call them, "unresolved" feelings of grief, guilt, pain...
So when I say that "the Becky who has come back from the dead is not really Becky, but Lisa's and Betsy's grief for her", what I really mean is that she is Lisa's and Betsy's grief as much as she is their guilt, their pain, their anger and their fear. She's all of those unresolved feelings.
WHY NOW?
Becky had to come back now, in this very moment because Lisa is so ready to live this life waiting for her (and her family) to its fullest extent and the one thing holding her back from it, is what she's been trying to avoid for years.
She can take off a ring, she can say"I'm all yours"and really mean it, but none of that will open the door behind which her future lies. The only key that will open the lock on that door is to face those unresolved feelings connected to her grief. And with everything being in place, with Lisa being so ready for the future, it had to happen now. It's time to do what it takes tofind that key and open that door. It's time to face what she's bottled up for years. And she doesn't have to do it alone, either. She's got her family around her for support, doesn't she?
That's the other thing: As much as it had to happen now because it (or Lisa) couldn't wait, it also couldn't have happened any sooner because Lisa simply wasn't ready before.We have seen her struggling with feelings like the ones she is about to face now bubbling to the surface over the past months, crumbling under the weight of them. It took her some time, but she did manage to get to a point where she now feels while this might still be a struggle, it is one she is ready to face and able can get through.
Carla even asked her, remember?
"Do you think you're ready?" - "Yeah. We're all here now, Ryan too. I've got my family around me for support."
Sure, they were talking about Lisa getting back to her real job on the force, but this is an example of how we're going to be looking at this story a lot from here on out: As outlined previously, there is a "surface" level to a moment (them talking about her being ready to go back to her job) and a "deeper" level, where you hear this question and answer and understand what they are saying without even knowing it themselves: Are you ready to face these feelings? - Yeah. I am because we are all here now. I won't have to do it alone. I've got my family around me for support.
Becky coming back – it had to happen now, so that Lisa can finally face the grief, pain, guilt, anger and fear she's been carrying for years, so that Lisa can walk through that door towards her future with Carla with her entire heart being in it.
(And of course, the same it true for Betsy, too, but we'll get to that later.)
BECKY'S STORY I
Becky's story is a whole lot of plot.There are so many things to wrap your head around, a timeline to understand, names to remember, decision to understand... Most of it is covered in that first episode with her and it's truly remarkable that they managed to write an episode as plot-heavy, as focused on explaining things, and still have it make you feel as much as it made all of us feel at the same time. It's great writing and exceptional acting that it all comes down to really.
Now, let me tell you, I have not even attempted to fully understand the timeline of events, the connections that are or aren't there, the loopholes, black dots and potential lies one might be able to detect if one were to sit down and take notes about everything Becky says and everything we have been told before. I haven't done that, not because I don't care or because I don't think it's somehow important, but simply because I do not think that the plot-points it covers is what it is actually about. I think it's important it works in and on itself, that "surface" level part of it (as I've said, I haven't done the work to be a judge of that). But when it comes down to it, I am (probably to no one's surprise as we are here right now) going for the "deeper" level part always. So let's talk about that, because it'll make us realise that it is actually quite important that they chose the narrative they did when it comes to explaining what happened with Becky.
When Lisa asks Becky what has happened to her, possible explanations she can think of come spilling out of her right away, too: "Were you in a hospital or a coma or...? Did someone hurt you? Were you being held?"
Everything Lisa mentions, would have been a valid option to go with for Becky's story, but it's pivotal that the writers did not go down any of these paths. Instead, they went with a story for Becky that gives a reason for her disappearance that Lisa could not have prevented or done anything about.
Had Becky been kidnapped, held, hurt, as Lisa suggests, there probably would have been clues, Lisa could have investigated, looked for her, saved her even. Becky making the deliberate choice to leave and doing her utmost to not be found, takes that option out of the equation to a large extend. If you're being kidnapped it is expected that someone will come save you, try to at least. But if you choose to leave your family, your life behind (whatever the reason may be) and set out to never be found, that "expectation" doesn't really exist. Becky didn't want or need to be saved, couldn't be really.
This is important because it takes a huge portion of potential guilt off the table. Seeing how Lisa blames herself even now for not having seen the signs despite her being a detective, the way she feels like she's failed all over once again as a wife, mother, detective – it's hard to even imagine the amount of guilt she would have felt, had Becky been held somewhere all this time.
Speaking of guilt...
THE GUILT
Lisa has been feeling immense guilt ever since Becky died and there is even more of it waiting sitting in her heart. It's guilt rooted in the fact that she's the one who lived while Becky didn't, guilt rooted in how things went down between her and Becky in the days and hours before her death, in how she was drunk and asleep and possibly to blame that Becky didn't have her phone on her, guilt rooted in how she didn't fight for her to get a proper funeral, in how she wasn't there for Betsy the way she should have or wanted to be, maybe even guilt rooted in how she found happiness again while Becky didn't even get another shot at life. It's guilt and more guilt and Lisa has been carrying it all for years.
Now, if we assume facing Becky is Lisa facing that guilt (as much as her grief etc.), then it is pivotal that in the grand scheme of things, Becky's story doesn't create more guilt for Lisa but rather takes some off of her if possible. That's why it's important that her story doesn't imply Lisa could have, should have saved her or anything like that. Instead, it kind of takes parts of the guilt away – no need to blame herself for Becky leaving her phone in her locker and therefore maybe not being found quicker because she didn't need to be found, no need to blame herself for not fighting harder for that big funeral because it wasn't Becky's ashes they scattered. I think you get the idea.
Metaphorically speaking, hearing Becky's story is Lisa getting to take her first steps towards freeing herself of some of the guilt she feels, understanding that there is no reason to blame herself for any of it, no need to either. Let's assume Becky is really dead. Lisa would still have to learn to let go of that blame she's been loading onto herself. She would still have to face the guilt amongst the grief, feel herself through it, figure out a way to free her heart of that weight. Now that we have Becky to represent those very vague, and completely internal feelings, it is her story that "factually" frees Lisa of some of that guilt. It's Lisa beginning to move past it on the inside.
BECKY'S STORY II
Now, as important as it is that Becky didn't go unwillingly like it would have been the case had she been taken, it is equally as important that Becky didn't really want to go either. It's a thin line sometimes between choosing to do something and really wanting to do it. Becky chose to leave, but she didn't want to leave. She says it countless times and the way her story is told, for all we know, she left because she felt like she had to, even though she didn't want to.
Imagine Lisa would have found out Becky had wanted to leave her and Betsy. It would have come with a whole other kind of pain and anger. And just like with the guilt, it's truly important Becky's story doesn't put more pain and anger on Lisa either, but rather sets free the feelings that are already there by making her face those – not add new ones.
Besides all of that, looking at it from that "deeper" level, metaphorical perspective once again, Becky wanting to leave would have "equalled" her wanting to die and that would have taken us down a road this story was never intended to go down...
WOULD YOU BEGRUDGE ME SOME HAPPINESS?
I have briefly touched on the guilt Lisa may feel about having found happiness and love again after Becky's death. That very specific feeling, the fear of somehow betraying her by loving Carla and finding joy in this life again, is one that's never really been discussed, but I somehow feel like it's one that's no stranger to Lisa's heart either. It's in the way even in their first conversation Becky mentions that "this is hard for me. This house, your new life". It isn't the only time words of that sort leave her mouth and while on the "surface" level of the story this may be how Becky feels or her trying to manipulate Lisa in some way, on the "deeper" level it is Lisa facing yet another kind of guilt that's been sitting in her heart all this time.
The fact that she stands up for herself in the face of it, in the face of Becky, goes to show how far she's come. She's far from apologising that she's found love and happiness and a family again together with Betsy. "What, do you begrudge me some happiness?", Lisa asks Becky, Lisa asks the guilt, the grief, the pain... Will you finally let me be happy?
THE ANGER
I've mentioned above how it's hard to find words describing all the feelings and emotions we see raging inside Lisa because there are too many and they seem too big to be put down in words. Yet, they somehow figured out a way to make us feel them, which is a testimony to the writing and most of all to Vicky's acting. The way she lets us see right through Lisa, lets us feel the turmoil raging inside, shows the way all of these feelings are longing to leave her body, how they each keep coming to the surface only to take a step back again shortly afterwards so another one of them can take over – it makes it seem as if Lisa was switching from one emotional state to another within seconds, multiple times within a single scene or conversation, especially in that first episode that Becky is in.
Though there is absolutely no way to touch on all of them for all the reasons mentioned above, I would like to briefly discuss one more besides the grief, the guilt, the fear and pain – it's the anger Lisa carries.
It comes out time and time again when she literally screams at Becky to "get out!", when she wants to make her feel with every syllable that leaves her lips just how much she has destroyed their lives. I'm sure this anger might in part be made of the anger she feels towards the world, the universe, whatever you want to call whoever has taken Becky away from her in the first place. But the significantly bigger part of that anger she carries, in my opinion, is directed towards her own grief. That unbearable amount of sadness and pain that have made her heart shatter, have made her feel like she didn't have it in her to come face to face with them, have made her close herself off to all of the good parts this life has to offer. She's angry at that grief that's been sitting there, occupying a part of her heart, keeping it from healing, from loving, from feeling properly alive – it's destroyed her (life) in so many ways.
Yes, she has managed to take the bits she could still save and together with some new ones that have found their way into her life she has managed to build something new with them, but there is no denying that there is a part of her that's gone forever now, a mark, a hole that will always be there. That doesn't mean you can't fill it with flowers and something beautiful to make it bearable, a part marked by the past yet part of a happy present and future, but the memory of the pain that came with it will live there forever. How could you not be angry at the grief that did that to you?
Lisa is angry at the grief, so she is angry at Becky. She tells Becky to GET OUT, tells her grief to get the hell out of her heart, her life, her home. But while it may temporarily listen and recoil for a bit by the sheer willpower of this woman who is going to walk through fire if that will get her through that door leading to her future with Carla and their family, it's not going to go until Lisa will have heard it out, properly faced it with all that it has to say, all that it is.
And it will try to talk her into itself, will try to make her want it to stay, will try to trick her into thinking that keeping it around is the only way to do right by the person she loved. That's why the only way she's going to be able to strip it of all its power is by letting it bring it all to the table and make it see for itself that no matter how hard it will try, there is no way it is taking her love and will to live.
Behind the anger, the tears and the guilt quietly lies the opportunity to make peace with what she's lost – the person and the years of her life –, to make peace with her actions, herself rather - herself as a former wife, a widow, a mum, a girlfriend, fiancee, future wife; to make peace with the mark on her heart she will carry with her forever, to make peace with all this grief – so she can let it go.
That's the key to that door leading her into her future: It's not telling the grief to go. It's figuring out all the ways in which she is still holding onto it, so she can let it go. It's facing it, making peace with it, taking a deep breath in, followed by an exhale that leaves her completely empty for a moment – that next breath, the one that follows after having let go, it will lead her through that door and fill her up with life in a way she may have never thought possible.
And we will be right there with her. At some point we will see Becky on our screens for the last time and I am sure it is going to be a moment of (or at least connected to) Lisa letting go. Whatever it will look like, the moment afterwards will feel like a weight's been lifted that's been there from the beginning of that storyline, that we have somehow accepted as "normal" at first, barely noticing it at times, until the point it started clouding moments more and more. Becky will leave the moment Lisa lets go of her grief and we will be right there with her.
It's a long road ahead, though, so let's bring it back to where we left before we went on this little journey ahead...
GRIEF'S OWN WORST ENEMY
Right after Lisa screams to Becky's face how she's destroyed her life, standing in the kitchen of Number 6, we follow Becky's gaze dropping to Lisa's engagement ring. Though that moment might almost get lost in the reality that surrounds it, it's actually a really powerful one: Look at this woman who had her life destroyed, herself, too, and here she is wearing a ring on her finger that in all its simplicity tells the story of a heart that has learnt to love again, that has found the courage to open up and let itself be loved again, that has figured out a way to build new what had been destroyed. Becky looking at Lisa's ring is grief looking at its own worst enemy that has already started to literally replace it: Love. After all, it was Becky's ring Lisa used to wear on that same finger...
And Lisa doesn't flinch. She doesn't fall for all of the ways in which she could have been tricked into feeling guilty or sorry or like she's done something wrong in that moment. Would you begrudge me some happiness?
TEDDY BEAR WOOD
Lisa choosing to go to Teddy Bear Wood, is an incredibly strong moment for her, if you really think about it. When she had practically run out of their house, I am sure I wasn't the only one thinking that what she did was escaping. But in fact, while she may have moved on the instinct of escaping in that moment, she didn't really run away, did she? Quite the opposite. Going to Teddy Bear Wood is the literal definition of facing the past and the grief that connects that past to the present for Lisa. It goes to show that Lisa knows it's time, that she wants to get through this for everything that's waiting beyond from the very beginning.
And Carla is there. Always there. Behind her, literally having Lisa's back, next to her, in front of her, between her and Becky if Lisa needs it – only if Lisa needs is, because that's how selfless Carla is when loving Lisa through her hardest moments. She knows Lisa has to face Becky and she knows she has to do it herself, so there is no point in stepping between them – at least at that point of the journey. At the same time, she makes sure Lisa knows she's right there at all times, ready for her to hold onto, fall back to. Carla is there – behind that bench, next to her on that bench – never too close, never too far; she is following her through that park, kneeling down in front of her, meeting her right there, listening.
"All that pain. All that grieving. Becky's here (...) and I just don't know what to do with that." – if you dare to go along with "my way" of looking at things, what Lisa says here is that for all the grieving she's already done, grief is still here. It's still here and Lisa just does not know what to do with that. Carla offers quiet words of understanding and while her love for Lisa is so crystal clear for everyone to see in those moments, there is still so much more to be discovered under the surface if you look closely. Because I purposefully said that Carla was offering quiet words of understanding – not of comfort, but of understanding. And it's that small detail that makes all the difference in this already heart-wrenchingly beautiful part of the scene. Because Carla's "there is no rulebook for any of this" (which is true for Becky returning as much as it is for going through grief, just saying) is her meeting Lisa where she is. It's saying "I see how you feel, I may even understand it, I am right here, I am in this with you". Had she instead chosen words of comfort, like saying that it was going to be alright or something, that whole moment would have been Carla standing "outside" of the situation. Telling Lisa how it's going to be okay, how it'll all work itself out – it would have been an attempt at trying to pull Lisa from the place that she is in (mentally, emotionally) and towards one where there is less confusion, less fear, more hope. Carla doesn't do that. She doesn't try to pul or take Lisa anywhere. Instead, she meets Lisa where she is. It makes all the difference.
When Becky shows up, Lisa goes back to running, needing to get away from all of this. She even tells Becky that seeing she was already dead, she could stay dead. Lisa knows that that's not really a solution, not really something "realistic" that would actually happen. She also knows that she can't really escape from all of this. Yet, her mind, heart and body try to protect themselves by giving it a try regardless. So she tells Becky to go back to the dead and literally runs away from it all.
It's just that with grief there is no real escape - after all, Lisa's been trying to get away from it for the past four years, sort of, and she has experienced first hand that it doesn't work that way. There is no escaping grief, just as much as it isn't possible to just tell it to go away.
It's hard to come to terms with that for Lisa, because to her, her grief was dead, she was done with it, at least "done" enough for her to move on. Now it's back and while she really wants to work herself through it for the sake of the future waiting beyond, there is a part of her that's overwhelmed and scared and tired and it's that part that wishes so bad it could just say: You were dead, so you can stay dead. and escape.
Part of the reason why Lisa's and Carla's love is such a force is that they don't just tell each other what the other one wants to hear; instead they gently push each other where deemed necessary – and they trust each other enough to let themselves be pushed a little sometimes, too. So when Lisa tries to run, Carla holds her back, knowing there is no point in "leaving it like this". Lisa has to face Becky, has to face these unresolved feelings inside of her because, as described before, it is the only way towards letting go. Carla might be acting on nothing but love and instinct here, but deep down she knows that.
The way she makes Lisa focus on her for a moment, gently bringing her back from where ever she's been on the verge of falling to, telling her to breathe just like she's always done in situations like this, where Lisa is drawing breaths never deep enough for air to properly reach her lungs. It's like Carla literally wants to fuel Lisa with the tiniest bit of her own strength.
The moment, while beautiful on its own, becomes even more significant by the camera work done here: Though Becky is standing a few feet away, by the framing of the shot, she is literally standing between Lisa and Carla, which is a perfect visual way of showing what I've been saying: There are feelings inside Lisa, occupying a part of her heart, holding her back from what could be a future filled with nothing but love. The fact that the camera pulls focus on Lisa and Carla then, which makes Becky literally fade a bit, is a way of showing how they are already on their way. There's still a road ahead – Becky is still there after all – but they are on their way towards a point where there will be nothing standing between them anymore.
The fact that this whole moment is about Lisa and Carla connecting goes to show just how deep their love runs once more – because even though Becky is still there, basically standing between them, even though there is this big ball of grief and guilt and anger and pain and fear living in Lisa's heart still, and even though it is as overwhelming as something could be to have to face it, it doesn't compare to the force that is their love, not by a long shot.
JUST ONE MORE TIME
It might have been one of the hardest moments to watch in all of their story so far: Lisa practically sending Carla away during their conversation with Becky at the factory. But as heartbreaking as the moment is, it's also a very necessary one. Because there are parts to Lisa's grief that she has to face on her own – or wants to face on her own because she doesn't think she could stand the pain that being a witness would put Carla through.
It's the parts of her grief that feel like love, that make Lisa feel like some part of her still loves Becky. And that's a tricky bit of all of this because as much as she has fallen in love with Carla, she never really fell out of love with Becky, did she? And if she did, how could she have admitted that to herself without shattering under the guilt that would come with that? So she kept that part of her grief under wraps hoping she could love Carla with all her heart without having to go through that moment of acceptance that her love for Becky is a thing of the past. Once again, she has had to learn that it doesn't work like that, though. If she wants her heart to love freely, she will have to face that bit inside of her.
So here she is, sitting across from it at Underworld, working up the courage to acknowledge that part of her grief in the first place. She does so by giving a voice to the feelings, by laying them out on the table in front of her, letting them drop into the silence, proof of them being real: "All I wanted was one more minute with you. Just one. Just to kiss you one more time. Just to hold your hand one more time."
When Becky tells her that she's "got that now", Lisa is quick to retreat. "No", she says multiple times because something inside her sees immediately what Becky, what her grief is trying to do here: It's trying to keep her locked in, make her stay with it, let it keep its place in her heart, grant it even more space. It's a cruel thing to do, really, because it's literally pain in disguise, trying to pose as something Lisa has been waiting for. She sees right through it and it's the almost unbearable pain of the last four years that finds its voice when she says: "You can't do this to me." You can't possibly be that cruel.
Still, sitting face to face with the love she's been grieving for years – may it be Becky literally or, as I've proposed, the part of her grief that still feels like love –, it almost breaks Lisa. Here it is, all the love that has turned into so much excruciating pain. Here it is, the tiny bit of hope inside of her that she can still wake up, still go back to a place where her heart doesn't know that kind of pain yet. She looks it all in the eye for the first time in those four years and it almost breaks her. "It's really you", she says and holds onto Becky, holds onto the love behind that grief.
But then, something shifts, something seems to click. Becky starts talking and suddenly Lisa's expression changes and she pulls away. It's the moment she begins to understand it: She's mistaken grief for love. The pain that came from love – had she not loved Becky, losing her wouldn't have hurt that much after all – settled in her heart and she left it sitting there because she thought holding onto that pain was a way to hold onto the love – one she was so scared to lose.
Having her grief sit in front of her, having found the courage to properly look at it – it makes her see that it's not love but pain that's been sitting in her heart. Pain that has since turned into a fear she's been carrying around ever since falling in love with Carla. It's the fear of giving up on a memory by allowing herself to let it go, move past it a bit, put it somewhere inside herself where it can stay, but where she isn't so scared of losing it that she keeps checking if it's still there, keeps reminding herself of it.
There are countless moments we have seen Lisa reminiscing, taking herself back to the memories of Becky. In the beginning those moments where largely about her wishing desperately for those memories to become reality again (remember how she used to send Becky text messages?), but then she let herself love Carla, let herself be loved by Carla, and that part of her grief turned into the fear of forgetting, of losing Becky all over again by losing the memories, suddenly being okay with living in the present instead. It's a fear unavoidably connected to the guilt we have already talked about.
That fear made Lisa revisit the memories constantly, checking if they were still there, keeping the grief that the fear was rooted in alive. Don't get me wrong, it's not about forgetting or getting rid of those memories. They are a part of Lisa's story after all. It's rather about putting them somewhere where they don't hold her back, but where she can be sure they can rest and be revisited if the occasion arrises, too. It's about losing the fear of losing them, about remembering because you want to remember, not because you are scared of forgetting or afraid of betraying a memory by allowing a new one to be made and live inside you, too.
When the conversation then shifts to Betsy and Lisa realises that Becky is determined to become a part of her life again, too, all of her alarm bells start going off. It's the moment she understands that her facing her own unresolved grief, pain, fear, guilt – it means Betsy will have to do the same thing, too. And that scares the hell out of Lisa. Imagine feeling what she is feeling in that moment, knowing how she has barely managed to not fall apart during the last couple of hours, and then realising your own daughter might have to endure the same turmoil, weather the same storm, barely able to keep her head above water. Who wouldn't be scared by that, who wouldn't try to protect their kid from that?
So when Lisa tells Becky to "stay away from Betsy", she means it, she really does. She goes on to send her away altogether, telling her to go and not come back – if only it were that easy... It's understandable, though. As much as Lisa wants to move past this and as much as she knows there is no way around facing it, the possibility of Betsy having to go through all of this, too, makes her protective instinct take over. So of course she sends Becky away. In that moment she would rather keep all of those unresolved feelings looming in her heart for the rest of her life than put Betsy through this.
(As the show progresses, we will see Lisa try and do both – face Becky, her grief, herself, while also keeping her, it, away from Betsy at the same time. But we will talk about that when the times comes.)
One last bit I want to mention about that scene at the factory is the way Lisa doesn't finish her sentence when she says: "You were gone and we were finally doing okay. Things were good until you..."
I think we can all hear the "showed up" at the end there and it could be that that is what Lisa was going to say, but just lost her words in the spur of the moment.
It could also be, though, that Lisa just didn't know what to say – because what did Becky do? What did grief do? Did she show up? Did Lisa's will to move on make her show up? Has she been there the entire time, but Lisa is only now able, ready to face her? I'm just asking...
A PLACE TO REST
We've already briefly discussed the question of "Why now?" and how a reason for Lisa being ready to face what she hasn't been ready to face for years, is the fact that she doesn't have to do it alone anymore.
Truth be told, there is a lot more that could be said on the issue. Looking at Lisa's entire journey on the show so far, it's really remarkable just how many anchor-points one can find that link this whole story together by a red string that leads to the very moment Lisa dropped that glass of red. While I will be diving into all of that in a second part to this (literal) piece of work, there is one thing too vital to all of this to not have a place here. It's ever present and part of pretty much everything I am writing about because it is a part of Lisa: It's Carla.
It's one thing that Lisa now has a whole family around her for support, but having Carla behind her, next to her, in front of her? It really is its own thing.
In fact, for all of the reasons that there may me, Carla might just be the biggest reason why Lisa has mastered up the courage to take a leap and walk down this road of facing what she's been too scared to face for years.
Mind me, while Becky shows up by herself and it's not Lisa having looked for her or anything, looking at it from "my perspective" (and coming back to the questions I asked above), I am assuming - or concluding rather - that the reason why Becky has shown up now is because Lisa is ready for it (and so is Betsy, though Lisa is - as we have seen - beyond scared that she isn't).
I'm not sure any of us really need proof to believe the significance of Carla in Lisa's life and story, but there are some moments during this part of their story in which it becomes clear in ways I either find so beautiful or so heartbreaking (or both) that I want to mention them.
One thing that happens quite frequently during the beginning of Becky being back especially, is Lisa wanting to escape– literally. She leaves the house, she walks away in the park... – I mean, we've all been there to see it. And it's understandable really, how these situations feel so suffocating and overwhelming that everything inside of Lisa tells her to get out, get away, save herself from it all. Of course, there is no way of really getting away – Becky follows her around, shows up time and time again. Lisa's grief is sitting inside her and while she's managed to bottle it up for years, now that she's let it out and started to feel her way through it, there is no way of going back. Yet, every now and then, she manages to get away from it, for a short while at least, and that is only possible because she has a place to put her grief, to park it when it gets too much, just until she feels up to taking it on herself again. That place is Carla. She leaves Becky with Carla at the flat, leaves her with Carla in the park, and while Carla may not like it, may not like Becky because she knows what grief has done to the woman she loves so much, she takes it on anyways, because of course she does.
Other times it's the other way round and instead of leaving her grief with Carla for a bit, Lisa "uses" Carla as a shieldagainst her grief – and I don't mean that in a negative way at all, though the term "uses" may make it sound like that. Carla wants to shield Lisa, wants to shield her from all of it. She would probably do it forever if she could, but just like Lisa can only park her grief with Carla for so long, being shielded by Carla isn't a permanent solution either. Still, it gives Lisa the possibility to breathe and rest a little, regain some strength before facing her grief again. One of those moments occurs at the end of that first episode of Becky being back, when Lisa comes home after talking to Becky at the factory and crumbles at the selflessness and love Carla meets her with: "What can I do to make this easier for you?" It's love that protects her from the grief waiting outside. It's not enough to make it go away forever in an instant, but it's enough to keep it out for a little bit and it's enough for Lisa to get up and do it all again the next morning.
(BETSY AND) THE JOB
Lisa's relationship with her job has been a significant part of her story from the beginning for that it is a strong, yet complicated one. Looking at it after Becky's return, it only gains significance, so let's dive into that for a moment, shall we?
Ever since we have met Lisa, her job has been one of the two things that have kept her going always: "I've got Betsy and the job" – it's something she said, pointed to, used as a reason, explanation, excuse more than once. While she knows she's used her work as an escape and has voiced the guilt she feels about having thrown herself into it instead of being there for Betsy more after Becky's death, it's also her way of doing what she needs to do most in this world: Protect Betsy. It's been a contradiction within Lisa from the start, one that's understandable as much as it seems un-escapable: Lisa wants to make the world safer for Betsy, but puts herself in danger in the process, which leaves Betsy scared – and alone because as much as Lisa wants to be there for her, when it gets hard, she escapes into her work. Betsy and the job – two strings being pulled inside Lisa, in the same direction and in opposite directions all at the same time, tearing her apart and keeping her alive.
We know all of that, we've seen it play out for over a year now. But there is something else and it has everything to do with Becky's death, Lisa's grief, anger and guilt.
There is this scene after Craig's death where Lisa says to Carla: "...a career that killed him." Later on she continues: "...Craig thought there was. Becky thought there was". It isn't a big leap to bring those two things together and conclude that part of Lisa blames the job for Becky's death. She blames the job for her grief, the job that also turned out to be an escape from her grief – again, two strings pulling in all kinds of different directions inside Lisa, tearing her apart and keeping her alive.
Lastly, the job is as much a source of guilt for Lisa as it is her way of trying to free herself of a part of that guilt. We hear it pouring out of her when she says that she reads people every single day and yet missed the biggest thing that's ever happened to her. Though she is talking about Becky not actually being dead in that moment, it's guilt that's been raging inside of her for years: Here she is, a detective, and yet she could never truly figure out what had happened to Becky. At the same time, being able to investigate and keeping the hope alive that one day she would figure it out has been Lisa's way of dealing with that guilt. Once again, two strings, tearing, keeping alive.
Untying the knot of all of these strings being pulled in all kinds of different directions inside Lisa means making peace with all the above mentioned ways, in which her job is connected to her grief and guilt. And the song remains the same: In order to be able to make peace with something, you need to face it first.
So Lisa goes to Costello and she looks him in the eye and says what she's said to Becky as well: "You have totally destroyed my life". Lisa goes to the place inside herself where that knot she is trying to untie lies and says to its face what she's said to her grief, too: "You have totally destroyed my life."
It is the job that is to blame for the event that has brought the grief to her doorstep, but Costello refuses to take that on. He makes it clear that it is the gang that is to blame – it wasn't the job that killed Becky, it was the crime. Remember how Carla told Lisa the same thing back then, sitting on the sofa after Craig's death? "A career that killed him" – "...didn't kill him. Mick did." It's a truth that, if it manages to make its way into Lisa's heart, will untie the first strings that knot in her chest is made of.
Costello goes on to say how he was there for Lisa day in, day out, her rock. Maybe I'm alone in this, but seeing Costello, seeing him and Lisa, I have trouble imagining what that may have looked like, just like I have trouble seeing the Becky we have heard Lisa and Betsy talk about in the Becky that has now come back. But if I look at it assuming that what he's actually saying here is that the job was there for Lisa day in, day out, her rock, then that's something I can not only believe, but something I have seen unfold in front of my own two eyes while watching Lisa long before those words ever left Costello's mouth
"It's not a puzzle to solve." – "It's my job!" – "It's not a mystery, it's a tragedy." – An exchange of words that cuts right into a wound still sore on Lisa's heart because it never really got the chance to do much healing: It's the questions she's never gotten answers to. She doesn't know the full story of the night Becky died, she doesn't know if there was something to that whole corruption-investigation after all, and so on and so forth. We've seen Lisa struggle with the guilt of being unable to figure it out, with the pain that the thought of potentially finding out she never really knew Becky caused her, with the questions, the need for answers, the uncertainties, the way it's shaken up her whole world over and over again. It's been eating her up and while she has recently found a way to let it rest, give that wound the chance to start healing, hoping against hope that it won't get ripped open again, it's yet another thing that will never truly stop tainting her happiness and future if she doesn't work through it properly. In this case, that means being okay with not having all of the answers, making peace with it, putting it to rest for that reason and not because it's a way to avoid it for a while.
What's really important here is that while the show on the surface level gives us answers by providing Becky's backstory, on that deeper level it is not about that. Becky's story isn't the answers Lisa has been looking for, it's a metaphorical representation of Lisa finding ways to make peace with maybe never getting those answers. So when Lisa is accusing Becky of lying in the beginning, it's representative of her deep-running fear that there is something she still doesn't know. It's what almost drove her crazy mere weeks ago. And when Lisa seems to be willing to believe Becky's story the further we move along in the show, it's her willingness to move towards that acceptance of maybe never knowing the whole truth. The fact that Lisa has now (referring to the point we are at in the show currently) come to a point where she has indicated multiple times that she doesn't think she knows the whole story yet, is as much rooted in the fear mentioned above that's anchored so deeply in her heart, as it is her feeling like maybe it isn't just about letting go of that fear, but about understanding where that fear came from in the first place. Is there more to Becky's story? Is there more to Lisa's fear of finding out something about Becky now that will change how she sees that huge part of her life she has shared with her? Questions that are as interesting on a plot-level as they are significant for Lisa's inner journey. While on the surface-level the plot may or may not provide answers, on the deeper level it will be Lisa having to find the answers within herself. Without wanting to get ahead of myself here – we have just recently gotten one or two ideas about how this story may move on to delve deeper into Lisa's and Becky's shared past... I'm just saying...
Finally, there is one more bit from the conversation between Costello and Lisa that I would like to touch on: towards the end of their talk, Costello steps up for Becky, saying that Lisa should blame him instead of letting her ego blind her to the level of sacrifice Becky made. It's something that didn't sit right with me at first, but thinking about it within the scope of this whole work, I have come to understand it better. Because if you follow through with what I've laid out so far and if we assume that Costello is talking about the real Becky here, not Lisa's grief, then what he says might as well be the following: Blame me, blame the job. But don't let your grief, guilt and fear blind you to who you knew Becky to be. He offers Lisa a way to let go of questioning Becky, of questioning herself, of the fear discussed above. Whether that offer will turn out to be a genuine one, one Lisa can actually take for that matter, we will have to wait and see. It'll depend on whether all of this is just about Lisa untying the knots regarding her job, about making peace with maybe never knowing the whole story regarding Becky's dead, or whether there is more, something bigger sitting even deeper in Lisa's heart, weighting even heavier, something that happened before Becky died that planted the seed that would grow into a kind of doubt regarding the woman she loved for so many years, not even Lisa herself can quite put her finger on.
INTERLUDE: I FOLLOW YOU UP, I PROMISE
Before we move on, there are two scenes that don't really fit anywhere but that I wanted to talk about anyways, so here we are, doing this little "interlude" of sorts.
The first one of those two scenes is the conversation Lisa and Carla have on the couch, where Carla somehow ends up almost defending Becky, showing empathy for how tough it must have been to make the kind of choice she had to make and with the little time she had to make it, too. Once again, a dialogue piece that works perfectly on the surface, but it also does, becomes richer even, when diving a little deeper: Carla had been watching Lisa being so hurt and so angry at Becky that she, a person who usually doesn't lack empathy whatsoever, seemed unable to access that part of herself when it comes to Becky. Now, if you take that and look at it through "my perspective", it's Carla seeing that Lisa's pain and anger are holding her back from accessing her grief, feeling it, working through it properly. So when Carla tries to create some empathy for Becky inside Lisa, what she really does is try and show her a way to let go of her anger and pain a bit – just enough so she can move on from it and face the grief, let herself feel it, too, because as mentioned many times now, that is the (only) key to that door Lisa wants to get through, that Carla, too, wants her to get through.
The second scene I would like to bring up here is Lisa sitting on the couch in the middle of the night, unable to find sleep, because it's Lisa doing what she used to do all the time: Retreat to her corner, handle it all by herself. Only that now there is someone noticing it, seeing it, seeing her, someone making an effort to get out of bed, walk downstairs and check in on her, someone selfless enough to give her the space she needs, too. And it's the way Lisa asks for the space instead of putting up walls that give Carla no choice but to step away, it's the way Lisa takes her time but always, always comes back to Carla – "I'll follow you up, I promise" – that goes to show that for all the road Lisa still has ahead of her, she's already come so, so far.
BETSY
As much as Lisa would have liked to be able to just shut it down, there really is no way of avoiding the question of (and when) Betsy will find out about her mother being alive.
It creates tension between Lisa and Carla because they do not agree on how to handle the situation. Yet, their intention is one and the same: They both love Betsy to the core and want to handle this in a way that will cause her the least pain possible.
Lisa's determination to protect Betsy is nothing new, the fact that it sometimes keeps her from seeing the bigger picture or "the other side" isn't either. She wants to protect Betsy from her own grief, literally.
I want to be quite clear here that I am not outlining a concept in which Becky is Lisa's grief to everyone. So to Betsy she isn't Lisa's grief, but Betsy's own grief. And as far as Carla is concerned, she sees Becky for what she is to both, Lisa and Betsy, while to her personally, Becky is a fear she's been carrying around from the very beginning – also one that's been sitting there, bottled up, occupying space in her heart that is so ready to commit with every last of its bits to loving Lisa, Betsy, Ryan and the family they have become. I promise that I will be coming back to what that fear is later, for now just know that much like all of this is about Lisa having to face what she's been trying to avoid, it's also about Betsy and Carla having to do the same thing, too. And while they are all on their individual journeys with it, trying to open their own door, they aren't in it alone and they are all working to get to the same room: The room of the future they will share. There is no doubt about that.
Coming back to Betsy, we know that Lisa had to watch her go through one of the toughest things a heart could possibly have to go through, something that Lisa was scared could be too much for a heart that is still young, still growing, still learning to find its way around the world. Somehow Betsy made it through, somehow they made it through, barely, though. So of course Lisa wants to protect Betsy from having to go through any of that again. But it's not just about that. It's also about how Lisa cannot bear to have to sit and watch it unfold in front of her eyes once more – or worse even, to know it's happening behind closed doors behind which she is not welcome. Either way, she is sure – because she's been there for it once already – that as soon as the grief hits, she won't be able to take if off of Betsy anymore, so she tries to keep it from hitting her in the first place.
As we've seen time and time again with these things, though, there really is no way from shielding people from them entirely – no matter how hard you try. "You know, she's not going anywhere. She's not just going to go away. Betsy is going to know sooner or later", Carla says to Lisa. Betsy is going to have to face her grief sooner or later, just like you.
Lisa knows that, of course. But for all the reasons mentioned before, she tries to buy Betsy (and herself) some time at least, and somehow I get it, just as much as I get where Carla is coming from advocating for telling Betsy rather sooner than later.
Carla fears that the time Lisa's trying to buy Betsy (and herself) won't do any good, but rather make it hurt more in the end. Because buying yourself time is great when you can use that time to prepare yourself for the inevitable impact, but when you don't have that chance because you don't even know an impact is coming at all, there really is no point. Now, one could argue that in that case it also doesn't do any harm and at least for Lisa, who knows what's pending, the time bought could be helpful. I'm sure Carla wouldn't deny that, but there is another aspect to consider: It's a very specific place in Betsy's heart, one of having gotten used to something that hurts every time – being lied to. Carla knows the way that place inside Betsy will hurt all the more the longer she doesn't find out and she doesn't think the pain is worth the time Lisa is buying mostly for herself after all.
Of course, in all of this there is also the potential risk of Becky just showing up and making Betsy face her possibly all by herself. Carla sees that, too, and just like Lisa wants to protect Betsy, so does Carla – she wants to protect her from having to go through the ache of Lisa lying to her yet again, she wants to protect her from possibly having to face her grief all by herself when it first hits.
I am not saying Lisa is (intentionally) doing the wrong thing here, I just think she has trouble seeing it all clearly. There is a part of her that is desperately clinging onto hoping against hope that maybe, maybe there is a way Betsy will never have to go through this. There is a part of her that is so scared of seeing Betsy's eyes loose its spark from all the grief once more. How could you expect all of that fear not to cloud her judgement? Keep her from hearing Carla out completely? Personally, I cannot hold any of it against her, really.
After all, we also cannot forget that she almost lost Betsy over this grief that doesn't only sit inside each of them but used to sit between them, too. It built a wall and made it almost impossible for these two people, who do love each other very much, to find a way towards one another again. It's really only been Carla who started knocking that wall down, inviting them to join her and do the same. Lisa knows it was grief that had built that wall and she is scared that it will do the same thing again, now that it's literally come back.
Also, do you remember how not wanting Betsy to have to go through something like this ever again was what kept Lisa going during the times she had to fight to get out of bed in the morning? I think it's hard to understand just how strong that force inside of Lisa is that wants to protect Betsy from this.
Ultimately, Betsy indeed ends up having to face Becky by herself and as much as both Lisa and Carla had wanted to protect her from that moment in their own ways, I feel like sometimes they forget just how strong the heart beating in their "little" girl's chest is, how fiercely it beats Betsy through the world, against all odds. I am not saying that they don't know, I am just saying their love for her sometimes turns into fear of losing her to the pain she has to endure.
Just like there is a reason for why Becky had show up now when it comes to Lisa's journey, it makes perfect sense to happen at this point for Betsy as well.
In light of her birthday we heard Betsy talk about how she had thought she would be over this by now, by the point she turns 18, how she is still having dreams about Becky and how she can't shake the feeling that they might be Becky trying to send her a sign. That goes to show that, just like Lisa, as much as Betsy had maybe thought to have moved on, left her grief behind her, she is actually far from it. She too carries it still, the grief occupying parts of her heart, waiting for her to face it, feel her way through it.
As much as for Lisa getting engaged ultimately was the catalyst for her to realise she had to face that grief, pain, anger, guilt and fear sitting inside her, for Betsy it was her 18th birthday. Between her having thought she'd be past her grief by then and the pain she felt caused by the un-kept promise of Paris on that list – it made her realise just how much grief she still has inside and that her hope for this whole family thing, the Connor-Swains, to really be something good in her life might just fill her with enough courage and strength to face it, too.
Surely, it is no coincidence that Lisa has been holding onto Becky's necklace until Betsy's 18th birthday; surely, it's no coincidence that the charm is the image of an eye; surely, Lisa's comment about how Becky used to say that Betsy has always had this knowing look about her, wasn't a coincidence either. Betsy putting on that necklace was her saying she was ready to see, ready to face what was left of Becky – the love, the grief, the sadness, the pain, the anger, all of it. So it came to find her wearing a green coat.
While for Lisa it was taking off something that belonged to Becky (her ring) and moving on (I'm all yours) that made her realise that there was something she had to do before she could really move on, for Betsy it was putting on something that belonged to Becky and for the first time really sitting in the feeling that she hasn't yet moved on as much as she thought she would have, that made her understand what she needed to do.
THE DANGER LOOMING
Facing her grief, facing Becky turns out to go a little different for Betsy than we have seen it happen with Lisa.
What I mean by that is that Betsy doesn't want Becky to go. Coming face to face with her grief, Betsy realises that she isn't ready to work through it yet. Not because Lisa's and Carla's fears became reality and Betsy couldn't bear to face it, quite the opposite actually – she wants to hold onto the grief, looking it straight into the eye, feeling it wrap around her heart like a warm embrace.
See, Betsy's grief is different from Lisa's. It's made of way less guilt and way more happy memories to cling to instead. Betsy's "hope against hope" that one day she'd get the chance to see her mum again runs so deep and while Lisa may have spent more years with Becky for the sheer reason of age, Betsy is the one who literally didn't know life without Becky before she died. For her, losing Becky also didn't come with all this almost unbearable guilt that Lisa has been carrying, so therefore and the reasons mentioned before, for Betsy holding onto her grief doesn't feel as suffocating as it does for Lisa. It's not that the grief doesn't hurt Betsy, too, of course it does, but ultimately she finds a lot of comfort in it, too.
The thought of letting it go scares Betsy because that would also mean letting go of the hope I mentioned above, the hope of somehow getting her mum back. It's simple really: Besides the actual memories, grief is the one thing Betsy has left of Becky and she's scared that if she lets that go, she'll lose a part of her mum. So yeah, holding onto her grief, asking for Becky to stay, it's more than understandable and all that we (and Lisa and Carla) can hope for, is that Betsy will come to see that as comfortable as that might feel and as scary as the thought of letting it go may be, grief cannot ever make up for all that is lost when your heart is held back from love by it, and a life without a heart being able to experience love to the fullest is actually way scarier than letting go is.
Between Betsy finding out about Becky and ultimately asking her to stay, Becky reveals that they all might still be in danger because of the gang. As much as this is the moment Lisa and Carla come to see the danger that Becky brings with her literally, metaphorically speaking, it is also the moment they start sensing that she brings a whole other kind of danger with her, too, even though they cannot quite put their finger on it yet – after all, this happens before Betsy shows up downstaris again, asking Becky to stay.
Sensing the looming danger that comes with Becky's presence, Lisa's protective instincts kick in and asks her to leave. "The only thing I care about is keeping [Betsy] safe and if you're around she's not." And as much as in the very beginning of all of this, Carla had been the one determined to make Lisa understand that there was no running away from this, that she had to face Becky, she drops all of that in an instant the second she too starts feeling the danger this seems to hold, especially for Betsy. So she joins Lisa in the sentiment, telling Becky to leave.
It's too late, though. Just like it had been the case with Lisa, Betsy's heart has already been opened. The part of it she's kept bottled up for years has been unlocked, she's seen the feelings, the grief it holds, she's seen Becky and there is no way she can come back from this other than by facing it. So Betsy comes down those stairs before Becky can leave and she asks her to stay and Lisa breaks at the sight because she sees clearer than ever just how much Betsy has been hurting and at the same time, she is so damn scared what all of this may still make her big little heart endure.
The danger looming from Becky's presence on a metaphorical level that I have been referring to, looks a little different for each, Lisa, Betsy and Carla. For Betsy it lies in what I wrote above: It's the danger of getting stuck with grief and missing out at the chance of a life lived with a heart fully present. Going off of that, for Lisa the danger lies in the fact that that way, her fear of having to watch Betsy go through that, would become reality. She would have to watch her daughter get stuck with a pain posing for something comforting, pain will that sooner or later come to show its real face. She senses she will have to watch Betsy hurt all over again and there is little she's more scared of than this. For Carla the danger Becky brings lies in the fear of having to watch both, Lisa and Betsy, go through the above, as much as in the fear of grief literally finding a permanent place in their lives, their home. There is another fear Carla carries that's being heavily triggered by this, but I will come to that in a second.
So that is the danger that Lisa and Carla suddenly start sensing deep in their bones the moment Becky tells them that they might still be in danger because of the gang. That's what makes them tell her to leave. And that's what they have to accept they will have to live with the moment Betsy falls into Becky's arms making it clear once more that there is no way back.
Still, as much as Lisa understands that in the moment and therefore moves past the point of attempting to try and make Becky leave entirely, she still hasn't given up on the hope that she could at least buy them some time. "You can't come back until we're sure it's safe." – You can't come back until we're sure Betsy's heart is ready to deal with it, with you.
But her hope shatters right there and then, because grief makes it clear that it doesn't work like that either: "I have tried staying away but it didn't work, did it?" Looking at it on the surface, that's almost a ridiculous thing to say for Becky because of course she could stay away. Not that it wouldn't be hard on her or the like, but she definitely could. Looking at it from "my perspective", though, it actually makes perfect sense: Becky can't stay away because it wasn't entirely her choice to come back, to show herself in the first place. Remember how I outlined that Becky came back because Lisa (and Betsy) were ready to face her? Wanting to take her on so they could move past her, past their grief and those unresolved feelings? It's something that shifted or happened deep inside them that "determined" the moment of Becky's return, so to speak, so from that perspective it really wasn't her choice. Therefore she can't just leave either, even if she wanted to – which is also doesn't because it would kill her. If the grief inside Lisa and Betsy would leave willingly, it would literally give up its place, its life. It's not going to do that as long as it still senses the slightest chance that either of them will come around to allowing it to stay after all. Becky won't do that as long as there is still a chance...
MORE THAN A KNOCK
It's after that episode, that something happens we didn't think would be possible at that point: Becky knocks. What may sound funny (and kind of is), doesn't come without the possibility of assigning a deeper meaning to it, too.
Becky knocks for the first time, because for the first time she has to knock. That's because she lost her power of being able to enter Lisa's and Betsy's (and Carla's) home whenever she pleases.
Grief has lost some of its power by the end of the previous episode that we just discussed because Lisa has started to accept that she couldn't send it away, not even for a while. Accepting its presence takes away power from a feeling like grief because it feeds off of being worked against.
Grief has lost some of its power because between the end of last episode and the knock, something has shifted inside Betsy, which we only come to find out as the scene progresses but must have happened before off screen. It causes Betsy to ask Becky for some time and thereby putting a little distance between them. It goes to show that she has come to feel that something is not quite right, she might just be on the verge of seeing that holding onto grief isn't the comfort her heart is looking for, that maybe the comfort she is seeking instead lies in being with the family she has found over the past year. It's a fragile hunch of a feeling, but it's there none the less and it strips grief of some of its power.
Grief has lost some of its power because between last episode where it almost felt like something had broken between Lisa and Carla over all of this, and now something inside Lisa started to realise she had to make an effort to hold onto this very precious thing she has found. We will come to see that when she tells Becky to her face that she will marry Carla no matter what. She tells grief to its face that it will not keep her from walking into this future with her heart in her hands and Carla to hold it, too. Again, it's something we only see later in the episode, yet the sentiment that is comes from is one that I am sure started growing inside Lisa probably the moment Carla walked up those stairs the night before. Lisa making it clear that grief doesn't stand a chance against the love they have, it takes some of its power.
So Becky knocks, has to knock, because grief has lost some of its power over Lisa, Betsy and Carla in a moment that on the surface may have seemed like it did the exact opposite. If you pay attention to it, you will notice that while we don't see Becky knocking on their door again, from here out she has to ask for permission to come in all the time none the less. There is a scene, for example, where we see her entering the living room alongside Lisa, making it quite clear Lisa opened the door for her; another scene in which Becky shows up out of no where once more, but literally has to ask Lisa if she can come in. It's a small thing, but it's a sign where we are headed regardless.
GRIEF HOLDING ON BY A THREAD
For all that I've said above, Becky can feel she is losing a lifeline her, feels she has to do something, so she basically rebels by moving out of the hotel and into a flat, moving from an interim to a rather permanent solution making it clear she has every intention of staying. It's grief hanging on by a thread because it is starting to see that the love it's coming up against might just be stronger.
Having learnt on numerous occasions now that trying to work against the grief only gets you so far and instead it's actually facing up to it that allows you to slowly take its power away, Lisa agrees to helping Becky move.
It's how they end up in that car in the parking lot...
GRIEF GETTING UNDER LISA'S SKIN
Just as much as Becky moving into a flat is grief trying to find a way to stay despite the love and willingness to let it go it is coming up against, Becky basically making Lisa come help her is her wanting to get into Lisa's head. The conversation that happens is Becky's chance to do just that.
Her trying to make them reminisce in moments of the past, is literally grief bringing one of its strongest assets to the table: memories. Sensing that this could get dangerous, Lisa tries to get out of the situation, but this time there literally is no walking (driving) away. She tries ending the conversation instead, but grief won't have it. Instead, Becky brings out the big guns, something even more powerful than memories: Guilt.
She says a lot but it all leads to this: Lisa has lived a life, has found happiness again, all with her daughter by her side, while Becky was robbed of all of that – Betsy, happiness, a life, literally. And while Lisa manages to stand up against Becky in the beginning, refusing to be trapped yet again in this vicious cycle of guilt and the pain she is known to put herself through because of it by her grief, she can only hold on for so long and Becky just doesn't stop. Lisa lived while Becky died and while that sort of guilt – the one of being the one who got to live – is a force all on its own, in Lisa it also triggers the overwhelming fear that she wasn't ever enough, which has led her to believe deep down in her heart that it would have been better for everyone, for Betsy, had the good cop been the one to live, the bad cop the one to die.
As far as Lisa has come, this is too much. She lets grief get under her skin and suddenly she's sitting in the trunk on the verge of apologising for not seeing Becky's side in all of this. While it is kind of heartbreaking to witness, it is actually a really important moment for Lisa – in a good way. The key to understanding or seeing that lies in the first things she says "I was so angry. I suppose I just couldn't bring myself to see it from your side". Remember how we discussed that anger is one of the unresolved feelings sitting inside of Lisa, how that anger might be something she would have to let go first, so she would be able to do what she really came to do: face and feel through her grief? It's exactly what's happening here. Lisa says it herself. She was so angry, she couldn't bring herself to see beyond it. Between then and now, she has managed to let go of that anger enough to properly face and feel the grief – yes, that means letting it get under her skin, of course it does. That's where you feel it. There's nothing wrong with that, quite the opposite. The pivotal moment (entscheidend) comes after that. It's the moment where you answer the question of how you deal with that grief under your skin.
And Lisa stumbles. So when Becky says she would never cheat on Lisa, tells her she still loves her, and it's literally grief trying to guilt-trap Lisa, she almost falls, doesn't know how to come back at that, get out of it. She almost falls.
But then Carla and Betsy rock up and while for a moment it may have seemed as if this would be proof Lisa wasn't ready for any of this yet, it's actually proof for something else: She is more than ready to face her grief because she doesn't have to do it alone. Remember how when between boxes waiting to be unpacked, Carla asked Lisa if she thought she was ready and Lisa replied: "Yeah. And I've for my family around me for support?" Yeah....
CARLA
I have brought up Carla's role in all of this multiple times now, but I think it is important to acknowledge that she is not just a part of Lisa's and Betsy's journey, but is on her own journey, too. Becky coming back doesn't just affect her because of the effect she sees it has on the people she loves. It also reaches a part inside of her that is deeply her own, one that is fragile and vulnerable. One that she hasn't yet let Lisa see properly, one she has tried to bottle up, lock away just like Lisa has tried doing with that specific part of her own heart. So while Carla sees Becky for what she is – Lisa's and Betsy's grief – she also has to come to understand that facing Becky goes beyond that. It means facing a fear inside of herself that much like Lisa's grief has been occupying a part of her heart, holding it back from experiencing the beauty of this love, the happiness that comes from it with every last fibre of its being. Carla is a vital part of Lisa's and Betsy's journey, but she is on her own one with this, too, and we will come to find out that Lisa and Betsy are just as vital to that journey.
The fear inside Carla that I am talking about is the fear of losing Lisa and Betsy, it's the fear of not standing a chance against the woman they lost, the memories of the person Betsy calls her mother and Lisa still calls the love of her life. It's a fear rooted deep inside Carla, its been there for a long time, first seeds of it having been planted way back in her past, and yet it has never been as big as it is now. Because this thing she has here, the family she's gotten to built with Lisa and Betsy (and Ryan), it's something so utterly precious Carla doesn't think she could survive watching it break apart in her hands.
Though present in her heart for years and definitely triggered every now and again over the past year especially, she has managed to keep that fear wrapped up in her heart. Watching Lisa literally free herself of her past by taking off that ring (even though, as we have come to establish that turned out to only be the beginning of a way longer process), it make Carla realise that maybe there was a part inside of her, too, that needed addressing, that she needed to face and work through, so she could do what she has been wanting to do ever since Lisa and Betsy have each found their ways into her heart: Let it love them with all that it is, let their love in turn reach its every corner.
So when Becky shows up, when Lisa's and Betsy's grief literally enters their home, is when that fear in Carla is not only triggered and brought to the surface for her to see more clearly than ever before. It's also the moment she knows she will have to face it and find a way to let it go because that is her key to the door behind which her future with her family awaits.
In the beginning she thinks that maybe almost making Lisa and Betsy face their grief and thereby "speeding along" the process of it being worked through by them, would be the key. If all was set and done, peace was made and Becky would consequentially leave, that would automatically still the fear inside Carla, right?
It isn't that "easy" though because getting rid of the trigger of a fear is not the same as letting go of that fear, is it?
She begins to see that when she – being the selfless person she is – lets Lisa move through her grief at her own terms, gives her space even though it scares the hell out of her because she can see Lisa and Betsy sit in the memories (which is a part of working through grief, of course, but none the less scary), because she notices how Lisa is stops letting her in on the process a bit. It's shown to perfection in the episode Lisa helps Becky move: Carla gives her space, thinking that's what she has to do, let Lisa figure it out on her own. As much as she trusts Lisa, she doesn't trust grief and what it might try and do to her, all the ways in which it may try to hurt her, to pull her back in. So without knowing it, she shows up just in time to catch a stumbling Lisa from falling as I've outlined before. But when she asks Lisa about the conversation she had with Becky later on, when she is asking to be let in on where Lisa stands on this journey of facing her grief – Lisa doesn't really give her an answer, does she? She doesn't let Carla in. And that scares the hell out of Carla.
It's not jealousy. It's the fear sitting deep inside her heart. A fear she has to face. And she does. She does by giving it a voice, by laying it out, letting it drop into the silence that has grown between them. "What happens when you do [have to full story as to why Becky left]? What happens then? What happens if her story stacks up?"
She dares to ask a question, she couldn't be more scared to hear an answer to, yet one she has to ask because as much as the answer has the power to break her heart, it also has the power to start freeing her heart of the fear weighting it down. What she gets isn't either and that hurts in its own way because it makes her feel like as much as she sees Becky for what she does to Lisa and Betsy and has been trying her best to meet them right where they stood with this, Lisa doesn't seem to be able to do the same for her. Yet.
Before we move on to wrap this up by taking all the ends I left here and bring them together in the point we find ourselves at right now on the show, there are two more scenes that are very significant to everything I've said about Carla so far.
The first one occurs in the first episode of Becky's return at Teddy Bear Wood. During their conversation by the bench, Becky at some point says: "A mother never gives up." Though Carla is by no means the topic of conversation here, the camera pans to her reaction and you can see it written all over her face, the way those words land inside her, settle deep down in her bones, never to be forgotten again, not even in the face of heart-wrenching fear. "A mother never gives up." It's the moment it is written into stone, carved into her heart that just like a mother, she will never give up on Betsy.
The second scene I briefly want to mention is a conversation Carla and Becky have at the house when Becky comes to look for Betsy after having a falling out with her. It's the moment Carla comes face to face with her fear more clearly than ever. Becky spits it right into her face: "You've only been here four minutes." - "Your bond isn't strong enough for this". "I know them better" - "You don't stand a chance against me". Just like Lisa has done with her grief many times, Carla too tries to tell her fear to go back to being dead – and she too comes to realise that it doesn't work like that.
WHERE WE ARE NOW – 3 AGAINST THE WORLD
I more or less finished all of these threads now leaving them hanging a bit, not quite bringing them all the way to where we are at in the show right now (as of Sunday, Oct. 5th). Therefore allow me to wrap this up a little and talk about where we are at right now.
Betsy is still holding onto Becky, onto her grief, because as I've outlined before it gives her a sense of comfort and she is simply too scared to let go yet. And Lisa and Carla see that, understand it even, know they have to give Betsy the time to find her own way towards realising that the real comfort, the happiness, lightness, life she is looking for, doesn't lie in the memories and grief of the past, but in letting go and allowing herself to step into their future. They try to be as supportive as they can, putting their own feelings behind Betsy's as much as possible, because of course they do. And they are right there at all times, ready to catch Betsy should she come to stumble and fall, ultimately come face to face with the unavoidable pain that is coming her way sooner or later in this. (While I am not one to buy into spoilers too much, the ones that have recently come out for the weeks to come might even hint at that pain hitting Betsy sooner rather than later.)
While Lisa seems to have found her footing a bit, seems to have worked through large parts of those unresolved feelings in her heart, I am sure Becky still being around isn't just because Betsy yet has a way to go here. There are things Lisa still has to face and I for one am excited to find out what they are because I feel like it's going to be something we don't even know about yet. And I am not sure Lisa is fully aware of the fact that things run even deeper for her yet either. (Again, it's only hints, but there have been some clues towards there being some things about Lisa's and Becky's past that could potentially be something Lisa has buried inside even deeper than her grief, something, as I've said, she herself might not even be aware she will have to come back to face yet.)
As for Lisa's and Carla's relationship, Lisa has found her way to being able to do what she wasn't yet able to do at the Rover's: She sees Carla's fear, she watches her be brave and face it and she sees that the only way she can do that is knowing she doesn't have to do it alone. So Lisa is there, taking her hand when Carla asks to be held without saying the words, giving her the space to talk without forcing her to, putting her all into making sure Carla knows that there isn't a chance she's going to let her do any of this alone.
When Becky first came back, when all that grief, guilt, pain, anger and fear in all three of them was set free for them to feel, so that they could finally let it go by the end of it (hopefully), all three – Lisa, Carla and Betsy – somehow came to think while supporting each other, they would ultimately each have to work through their own feelings first before they could truly be close to each other (again). Between wanting to give each other space, the fear of overstepping and thereby making the other retreat to their silent corner, and the way their own feelings were so damn loud inside of them, they somehow failed to see the only way they could truly get through this: Together.
It has taken them some time, but having seen Friday's episode (Oct. 3rd), I feel like they have finally come around to understand just that. That the only way they will carry this, is together. That the only way their hearts will beat them through this, is holding onto each other. That the only way this is supposed to play out, is what Carla said long before any of this was even close to being on the table, what her heart knew to be true already regardless all these months ago: "It's us three against the world." Because these three share a love stronger than grief, guilt, pain, anger or fear. Because when these three share the weight to carry, there is none too heavy. Because when these three hearts hold onto each other, there is no breaking them apart. Because Lisa, Carla and Betsy have not only found their way into each others' hearts. Instead, each of them has found in the other two the pieces that where missing for them to heal their battered, broken, cracked up hearts. It's like they took all the pieces they had inside themselves, put them in the on the floor between them, for the others to see and let them come together to form something that would be strong enough to carry them through whatever storm they may come to find themselves in: A love that runs deeper, goes beyond being the love of a life, and therefore will overcome whatever (or whoever) it will have to face – three hearts, one love, against the world.
