the fear of falling apart

Andrew Hale, twenty seven. Tattoo artist originally from Indiana. [ mobile navigation ]

[theandrewhale-archived]

Hi, if you’re reading this: don’t steal gifs. 

I make a lot of my own gifs and it takes a lot of time and patience to make them. Don’t take what isn’t yours. There are gif hunts out there. Find them. Use them. Not my blogs.

[cutmylip-deactivated20210818]

we get colder, as we grow older…

[trashybooksforladies]

[wnq-writers]

Don’t be afraid to feel too much, speak too much. In a world where hearts are as cold as ice, and words are being drawn back because of the fear of rejection, always say how you feel. You never know how kind words help people with their own battle. Words are powerful, they can either kill a person, or help a wound heal faster. The choice is yours to use it.

tragedyintoart  (via wnq-writers)

[sad-yonsei-deactivated20220918]

bro 1: do you want a protein shake bro? bro 2: nah bro bro 1: why bro? bro 2: because you’re the only one who gives me strength bro bro 1: bro.

[theandrewhale-archived]

[ @itspax ]

[theandrewhale-archived]

ceciliasking:

His touch was soothing. Cecilia couldn’t remember the last time someone else’s touch’s had that effect on her. Well–except for her mother’s of course, but still, she couldn’t remember the last time she wanted to be held like this… like she was fragile as she fell apart. “I can’t tell them that…” With a soft breath, she let those words out, slowly letting go of Andrew’s shirt, but remaining close to him, feeling him warm against her and trying to focus on that. “I understand what you mean, but I can’t tell them about this. It would break their hearts, wouldn’t it?” Cecilia couldn’t bring herself to look at him, but she found enough distraction playing with the rem of his shirt. It happened to be one of her favorite shirts and she quite enjoyed seeing him in it, probably not as much as she enjoyed wearing it to sleep or she stole it for the day, but the thought alone was able to ease her heart for a brief moment, even though it wasn’t enough to shift her mood in a more permanent way. “How can I tell my mom I’ve been feeling this way about my birth mother? A woman who was completely the opposite of the person my mom is…” Again, she shook her head, sneaking her hand under Andrew’s shirt and finding his warm skin underneath.

She closed her eyes for a moment, breathing in his scent and gave herself some time to decide if she wanted to talk about Simon or not. The thought of bringing up his name also brought a bitter taste to her mouth, so she figured it could wait. Cece simply shook her head and remained in silence, not wanting to discuss this for now. She remained sitting there in silence, feeling welcomed in his arms and comfortable under his touch until he mentioned not wanting to leave her, which was basically enough to finish destroying her defenses and made Cecilia completely vulnerable around him. While she was still scared, instead of pushing him away she removed her hand from under his shirt, only to wrap him in a tight hug, burying her face on the crook of his neck and letting her tears come forth again. “Thank you… for staying.” She mumbled against his skin. She wanted to apologize for getting his shirt all wet with her tears, but ended up not doing so. She definitely didn’t deserve him, but she’d take it because right now, she needed something good in her life and Andrew was good. Too good. 

Her energy had been completely drained and even though she wasn’t exactly sleepy, she was exhausted. Once Cece was able to calm down again, she finally loosened her grip around his torso and rubbed her hand over her eyes, trying to wipe the tears away from her red, puffy eyes. “Can I still sleep here?”

Andrew chewed on his lip. Would it break her parents’ hearts? More than likely. But not in a way that would make them mad or disappointed. Just concerned. “That’s up to you,” he murmured. “I’d be a hypocrite if I told you that you should.” There were things that Andrew kept from his parents, so how could he tell her she should be completely open with hers? And it was the same. It was about breaking their hearts or making them worry. Something Andrew didn’t want to do, so he understood why Cece wouldn’t want to tell her parents. He watched as she played with his shirt, allowing a moment of silence to wash over them. When her hand moved under his shirt, his hand found her elbow, giving a light squeeze and running small circles with his thumb along her arm. “If you wanna tell her, I’d just be honest with her. Tell her how you feel. She’ll understand. And if she doesn’t, she’ll try to.” Andrew gave a partial shrug. “The only thing that’ll break her heart is knowing you’re hurting. Even if you don’t tell her. I think moms just have a knack for telling when something’s wrong.” 

He wasn’t expecting an answer out of her and he didn’t hold a stare, not wanting her to feel as if he was pressuring her into it. So, when she shook her head, he simply nodded and left it at that. Let the silence fill the air for the first time in a while. Just remaining close, sitting there together. Again, he wasn’t expecting Cecilia’s response to his words as she clung to him once more and buried her face in the crook of his neck. There was a pang in his chest once the tears started flowing again. Andrew wrapped his arms back around her and squeezed her in return, kissing the side of her head. He remained there where he nodded, almost nuzzling against her, so she could feel him. “Leaving was never an option.” His voice was low as he spoke, moving his hand along her back again to try and soothe her. Andrew stayed like that until she started to move, pulling away to let her rub her eyes. “Of course. Here...” He shifted a little so that he could push himself to his feet. And rather than offer her a hand up, Andrew gently scooped her up in his arms, walking her to his bed and setting her there. He could find her some clothes to change into and they could just stay in bed until sleep came. But before anything else, his hand brushed against her cheek as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Just rest. Try not to think about anything right now.” Reaching over, he pulled the tissue box off the night stand and offered it to her in case she needed it. 

[theandrewhale-archived]

kellyannejefferson:

                              Kelly let out a scandalized gasp, clutching dramatically at her chest. “You’ve…. you’ve never had either of them?” she prompted, sounding absolutely gutted. “They’re only some of the best desserts around. Crème brûlée is a French dessert with custard and a glazed crust of sugar on top. And… custard and berries is just that. If you’ve got a sweet tooth both are a great choice.”

Andrew sunk down a bit before providing a smirk. “Guilty? They sound fancy, and I’m not one for fancy. I don’t know. I don’t have a huge sweet tooth either. Honestly, someone says dessert and I think ice cream and pie. Classic and simple. But this custard stuff sounds interesting.”

[theandrewhale-archived]

rxseparker:

Rose narrowed her eyes playfully as she crossed her arms in front of her chest and nodded. “Perhaps you’re just above average when it comes a large part of the population. Halloween artifacts salespeople, definitely.” She grinned widely. It was always nice to know people who shared the same opinions as she did, especially on a holiday she held so close to her heart. Maybe it was the lack of Sarah in her life that was making her feel extremely more sour than she ever was — Rose didn’t even know what sour tasted like. “My parents were always all out, sometimes it was embarrassing, but as time went by, I kind of learned how to embrace it, now I am the embarrassing parent,” the blonde chuckled. As soon as he spoke his name, something clicked within her. Rose was usually good with names and faces, but remembering anyone from Jamie’s birthday would be a hardship. “Yes,” she nodded, “I remember you— you are also a friend of Cece’s, right? I am Gracie’s mom, indeed— Rose. I’m sorry I didn’t remember you right away. Grace was very hard to handle on Jamie’s birthday.”

“That’s gotta be the best, though. Being the embarrassing parent. If my parents went all out for Halloween, I don’t think I could be embarrassed. I’d just want to rub it in everyone’s face like, yeah what’s up? See all these decorations? Try and top that!” Andrew let out a small laugh. There was a little relief when he could see the recognition click. At least he wouldn’t have to try and explain any further. Not that there was much more explanation to give. Andrew nodded. “Yeah. We’re dating. She talks about Gracie all the time, so I kinda know you through Caleb and Cece. Nothing bad though, promise.” He smiled, playfully surrendering his hands. “Nah, no worries. The kids had fun, that’s all that matters.”

[theandrewhale-archived]

ceciliasking:

It came as a surprise just how much she was actually needing him around. Usually, Cecilia would have just left and not let anyone see her like that… hurting, struggling. But he didn’t leave. For the first time, someone that wasn’t her parents actually wanted to stay… so she clung to him, knuckles growing pale as she held onto his shirt and allowed herself to feel. And at first she didn’t say anything back… how could she, when words were hard to find in the maze of her thoughts? Sitting on his floor, completely vulnerable and practically falling apart–that wasn’t how she had planned her night to go, but then again, she hadn’t planned meeting her half-brother either. When Andrew pulled away, she didn’t let him at first–clinging to him, like he was going to slip through her fingers right there and then, but as his thumb grazed over her cheek she felt inclined to look at him finding his brown hues in the blur of his room. “I know…” Her voice came out heavy and nasal, due to the crying she’d done. “And it only makes me feel worse because they’ve given me everything… but I can’t help but feel like this. I feel like I’m taking them for granted, so I feel even worse!”

Since he’d kept his arms around her, Cece found herself completely curled up against his body and not likely to move. “They’re my parents… Peggy is my mother, I know that. She’s the one who’s held me when I was having nightmares, she’s always believed in me, she’s my best friend… but I can’t help but feel like this. I–” She shook her head, instinctively moving closer to Andrew, like some wounded animal. “It’s just not fair. It’s not fair to Peggy that I’m feeling like this over a stranger when she raised me and it’s not fair that my birth mother got to raise someone else and I wasn’t good enough… She didn’t even want me, Drew.” The heavy crying part was no longer there. The moments of silence she’d taken to let her emotions come forth had been enough to make her let it out, so now she could handle trying to express herself. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about this. I–feel….a lot of things. I don’t understand… how could she leave me? Why can’t you leave me?” The heavy crying was over, yes, but Cece still laid there, all curled up against his chest, letting tears roll down her cheeks in silence.

Andrew shook his head again as he wiped the tears from her face, keeping her close and keeping his hands on her, whether gently raking through her hair or resting on her arms or continually wiping the tears away. He could feel the grip she had on his shirt prior to pulling apart from the tight embrace, so he wanted to make sure she knew he was right here. That he truly wasn’t going anywhere. “The fact that you feel that way only means you would do anything for them in return. You’re not taking them for granted. That’s what parents do. Real parents. They give, and they help, and they’re always there when you need them. They don’t expect anything in return because they don’t want or need anything in return. If you called them up right now, I bet they would be here in a heartbeat. Because that is what parents do.” Andrew took a breath, pulling Cecilia back against his chest and keeping her there, curled up. Truthfully, he didn’t know what to say or do. Yet here he was. His mind apparently speaking for him, his body acting without a second thought. All he wanted to do was keep holding her. He didn’t care about anything else. They could stay right there on the floor all night, as long as she was okay.

Every fiber in his being wanted to tell her that it wasn’t true. That it wasn’t a matter of her birth mom not wanting her. It was surely something else—maybe she just simply wasn’t ready and fit to raise Cece. But he couldn’t make up excuses when he didn’t know the truth. And he couldn’t lie. “All I know is that you’re good enough. You’re more than good enough.” It wasn’t until then that her words clicked: raised someone else. Was this new information to her? Or had this been festering in the back of her mind for some time? “How... how do you know she raised someone else?” Andrew kept his voice low, keeping her in a snug embrace. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked that. It was something he knew nothing about, and he wasn’t sure how much she knew either. He didn’t want to upset her any further but hopefully she knew by now that if she truly didn’t want to talk about it, he wouldn’t force her to. Andrew allowed one of his hands to run along Cece’s back, occasionally just letting the tips of his fingers to glide there. Changing the amount of pressure he applied in hopes that it would maybe help to soothe her, giving her mind something else to focus on rather than just the impending thoughts. “I can’t answer for her, but I don’t want to leave you.” Sure, leaving was easier. But it wasn’t something he could do. Even if they didn’t work together and he could cut all ties, never talk to her again. Andrew couldn’t just walk away from her.

[theandrewhale-archived]

isaacwinston:

“Same for me,” he agreed. “I’ve never seen the point in attempting to lucid dream. I figure you can either do it or you can’t – just be happy when you manage to get a restful night’s sleep.” Isaac chuckled as he listened to Andrew’s recalled dream, starting to shake his head. “Sounds like a regular 007 plotline.” He returned the other’s smile, mulling over his questions. “I don’t know the Pokemon theme song at all, but other than that, I’m doing great.” Isaac joked with a light chuckle. He added on, “No big Halloween plans for me yet, but I usually go out with friends to parties and stuff, you know? Dress up a little, maybe. How’ve things been on your end?”

“Very true. That’s hard enough to come by.” Andrew chuckled in return. “Hey, 007 plot lines make for great dreams when you’re standing in for James Bond. And I’m a little disappointed that you don’t know the Pokemon theme song. Little bit.” Smirking, he pinched his fingers together to demonstrate, though he’d have to give him the benefit of the doubt. Isaac was a bit older than him. “That’s always good to hear. I’ve been doing alright. I think going out with a few friends is the typical Halloween thing to do, yeah. I’m not even sure what I’m doing yet. Probably the same.”

[yasmin-khan]

[theandrewhale-archived]

[ @ceciliasking ]

[theandrewhale-archived]

ceciliasking:

Maybe it was the turmoil of emotions that she was feeling and refusing to deal with properly, by letting him in, by letting him help, but Andrew’s words actually stole a dry huff from her lips as they were curved upwards. He didn’t want her to be alone? She wasn’t alone? Right. “I’ve been fucking alone since I was born, Andrew. Another day won’t make a difference.” Rolling her eyes, Cecilia tried to put on her shoes back on, but every time she tried to focus on that task, Andrew’s words kept interrupting her, forcing her to give him a response or whatever. “Stop!” She spat at him as he tried to approach her again. “Stop doing this! Stop trying to help me! You’re just going to leave like everyone else! So stop being so nice!” Unable to control her emotions, she felt the tears rolling down her cheeks again, her sadness making itself evident in her voice as she continued. “Why do you keep doing this? I told you to leave me alone!” Her arms moved as she spoke, both trying to disperse the anger, the frustration and also, to try and keep Andrew from moving any closer.

“Every one leaves me! Even my mother didn’t want me! She was supposed to love me the most and she didn’t even want me!” Her breathing was getting shallow again, her sobs mixing with her words and making it harder for her to breathe properly, but now that Cecilia had began talking, she couldn’t stop herself. “She got to raise someone else and to have a life with them, and love them and I got nothing! For fourteen years I got nothing! She was supposed to love me the most and she left me!” Lifting up her hands, she covered her face, leaning back against the wall. It didn’t take long for her to crouch down and eventually sit on the floor.

"Well, you’re not alone anymore.” The words fell from his lips before he could give it any thought; the fact that there could be more to what she was saying than what he gathered on the surface. He shook his head the minute she raised her voice at him to stop. The anger was something he felt like he could handle better than the silence and physical distance she was currently trying to put between them. At least it was something he could work with, because he certainly couldn’t keep quiet. “I want to help you, Cece. I care about you. More than you know. And I’m not everyone else. I’m not leaving.” Somewhere deep down, he was relieved when the tears started to flow. But that was deep, deep down, for Cece’s sake of getting it out. On the surface, it only made his heart ache. Her trying to push him away was only a mere scratch on that surface though.

Andrew wasn’t sure what he expected when she finally succumbed to her emotions. He wasn’t even sure if he could put the pieces together. Hearing her words and how much her past affected her, her own mother... The pain in her voice and her struggle to breathe as the words left her lips. Andrew could feel a lump in his own throat, eyes tearing up. No, it wasn’t something he could ever understand. He could never tell her that he did, or that he knew how it felt. Because it wasn’t something he ever had to face. Andrew quickly moved to her side the second her back touched the wall as she buried her face, sinking to the floor with her and pulling her against his chest. Wrapping her in his arms and lightly resting his head against hers, shutting his eyes. Andrew gave a reassuring squeeze. There were no words that could make any of that better. So, he kept the silence, letting Cece get everything out that she was trying so hard to keep pent up. Because that’s all that mattered in the moment.

“You shouldn’t have had to go through that. And it’s not fair. I can’t ever begin to pretend like I know what you’re going through, I can’t. But there’s one thing I know with absolute certainty...” Andrew tried to find the words after a while, shifting to try and make them both more comfortable with how they were meshed together on the floor. He kept his arms around her, snug. “None of that was on you. None of that was your fault. And she’s the one who missed out, okay? You have so much to give. That’s all you do is give. You’re one of the most selfless people I know. You have one of the biggest hearts. She doesn’t get the right—” Andrew gently shook his head, dropping it there before his frustration started to come to the surface. The frustration that Cece felt abandoned by her birth mother because she was, no excuses. “I... realize it’s not the same. And it doesn’t erase the fact. But you have the Kings. Even just being around them the few times that I’ve been, do you know what I know?” Andrew slowly pulled Cece back enough so that he could look her in the eyes. His thumb grazed over her cheek, wiping away a tear. “They love you. They really love you, and they want the best for you. And they would do anything for you.”

[theandrewhale-archived]

ceciliasking:

“Don’t touch me…” Cece was quick to say when Andrew took the shoes from her hand, and as soon as the words left her lips, the colored haired woman regretted saying them. It wasn’t Andrew’s fault that she was feeling the way she was, and even though he was just trying to help, she felt like she was going to scream if he touched her. “I—didn’t mean that. I just…” She felt sick. Her stomach was tying into knots, her breathing was getting shallow as her chest tightened again. She was going to have another panic attack… she could feel it, so Cece dashed to the bathroom and locked herself there. It all happened so fast… at first she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move and the last thing she knew, she was on her knees, throwing up in his toilet.

After she regained her focus and was able to get up again, Cece used some of Andrew’s mouthwash and then returned to the room. She felt drained… she didn’t want to deal with it. With any of this, but she didn’t know how not to do it. “I can’t stay here.” She told him after some time. Cecilia couldn’t even bring herself to look Andrew in his eyes. He deserved someone who wasn’t this much of a screw up, someone who could talk to him and be open with him. Her life was a mess, starting by the things she didn’t even know about. How could she drag him into this? Into her mess? It wasn’t happiness, it was just hard work and hard maintenance. And then, as soon as he figured it out, he would leave her just like everyone else.

Simon, her newfound dead mother, her not being enough, her insecurities and her anxiety… they all started screaming in her brain. “I can’t do this right now…” Cecilia said, her voice weakened by everything that had just happened. “I’m sorry… I can’t do this.” Shaking her head, she grabbed her shoes again, hoping Andrew would just let her go.

All Andrew could do was bite his lip and nod. That’s just it. That alone took a lot of willpower not to reach out for her. Not to hold her hands or caress her cheek or pull her close—to try and comfort her. His brow creased with worry as he watched her face though, and before he could say or do anything, she bolted for the bathroom. Give her space, he reminded himself. Give her space. Andrew couldn’t help but pace slightly before sitting on the edge of his bed and waiting. The fact that he couldn’t do anything was driving him crazy, knowing there was something wrong yet not having a clue what that something was. Worried felt like an understatement. Especially when he could smell the mouthwash when Cece returned to the room, knowing that only meant one thing.

Once she entered the room, Andrew was back on his feet, eyes trained on her. Literally the one thing he wanted to do, he had to tell himself he couldn’t. So, he left a bit of distance between them to be on the safe side. “Okay... We can go to your place then. I just... let me at least take you home?” he tried, shaking his head briefly. “I don’t want you to be by yourself. You’re not alone. You know that, right?” Watching her, he swallowed nervously as she made a grab for her shoes again, saying she couldn’t do this. Do what? Was this about whatever happened with the guy she met up with? About them as a couple? Or just merely talking? Andrew took a step forward, hesitating a moment before closing the gap between them more. “What can I do, Cece? How can I help?” No, he obviously couldn’t just let her go. But he knew he could only try so many times before he was only pushing his luck. And that luck felt like it was running pretty thin.

[theandrewhale-archived]

There were more feelings there for Mason than just a one night stand.

“Word really travels, huh? That’s a no.”

ANONYMOUSLY TELL ME YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME AND I’LL CONFIRM OR DENY THEM.

[theandrewhale-archived]

you always hide how you feel

“You know what’s great about sarcasm? Everything.”

ANONYMOUSLY TELL ME YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME AND I’LL CONFIRM OR DENY THEM.

[theandrewhale-archived]

I assume you try to keep everyone together while you fall apart

“In other words... Do I put others before myself? Yeah. But to be fair, nobody else has to be in the equation for me to fall apart. I can do that on my own. One of my many skills.”

ANONYMOUSLY TELL ME YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME AND I’LL CONFIRM OR DENY THEM.

[theandrewhale-archived]

I assume you're too passive to tell people how you really feel about things.

"Depends on the matter and how pressing it is, I guess. I’m definitely more passive than aggressive.”

ANONYMOUSLY TELL ME YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME AND I’LL CONFIRM OR DENY THEM.