I've got 99 problems & a witch is all of them: My Beef with American Horror Story: Coven
Honestly, there's gonna be some mad SPOILERS below.
I love American Horror Story. Since the first episode I was intrigued by how it was constantly pushing the envelope and making me question why it was okay to show Dylan McDermott tugging it into a towel and crying. And it was batshit scary.The first two seasons featured some of the most genuinely scary episodes of television I'd ever seen--(more specifically Episode 106: "Piggy Piggy" and Episode 205: "I Am Anne Frank (Part 2)." )
So what happened to season 3: American Horror Story: Coven? From the get-go it felt lost, even misguided. It embraced the shock value of the first two seasons but dug plot holes like they were Stanley Yelnats. (Any Louis Sachar fans out there?) My entire family watches the show--And the best comparison I heard was from my Mom who pointed out it was more like an old daytime soap opera, like Passions, than our beloved AHS.
The biggest problem, in my opinion, was the dismal writing behind the characters--who seemed wedged into every episode, with hopes that they would make sense of this clusterfuck.
I think Fiona and Cordelia Goode were supposed to be the main characters this season. But who the hell knows. Jessica Lange and Sarah Paulson are two of the few actors who have been on every season of AHS and have consistently turned in wonderful performances. And this past season, they were playing mother and daughter! Perfect! I expected a grandeur showdown between good and evil not unlike the one between their characters last season. But it was far from that. This season, we got this weirdly disconnected Lange who spent most of her time rambling witty one-liners that people seemed to LOVE, and I wasn't a fan of, with the exception of 'Knotty Pine!' in the last episode. Her character had cancer but only every once in a while. She'd cough a bit or spend a little time in the hospital, but nobody ever stopped and said, "So wait, are you sick? Because you didn't have hair yesterday. Not trying to be a dick or anything, but you were totally a full-time sick person yesterday."
Paulson was set up as the salutatorian of the Coven who wanted more than anything just to have a child. She and her husband had an extensive, creepy boning scene, complete with fire and snakes, only to never be mentioned again. Her husband actually turned out to be part of a fraternity of witch hunters--which was cool! Until they all died after one episode and there was no sort of stakes there. AND she ritualistically went blind every 3 episodes. Jesus Christ, was that not the most annoying thing? When she had a cup of acid tossed in her face, it was actually kinda scary. But magic cured her! Then she stabbed out her eyes, and I was like, "what." and she looked absolutely disgusting until the finale when her powers fixed her eyes? What? What?
Also, at the end of the season, Cordelia is revealed to be the all-powerful Supreme--which was the most underwhelming thing since Pokemon Snap on N64. You mean the daughter or the last leader is the new leader? Yeah that's usually how things work. And one last thing about Cordelia--it's revealed that Myrtle Snow (Frances Conroy) was the one who threw acid in her face, right? How come in the last episode there wasn't a heartfelt apology there?
CORDELIA enters the room. Witch things are happening around her. MYRTLE says something stupid about fashion.
CORDELIA: I'm the supreme witch. My eyes are back too.
MYRTLE: Hey sorry I ruined your eyes and entire face a while back. Seriously, thank whatever higher deity is watching out for us that you're the supreme or else I would have been like super fucked.
CORDELIA: It's cool. We're witches.
MYRTLE: BAHLENCIAHGAHHH!!
The season ends with a cold embrace between Fiona and Cordelia, soon after Cordelia is crowned the new Supreme and Fiona is moments away from death. Fiona takes out a knife and it's eventually rested on a table, inches away from this loose hug. I WAS ALMOST CERTAIN that Fiona was going to stab her daughter in the back, like she'd figuratively done all season, absorb her health and used her mind-control powers to convince everyone that she's been the Supreme all along.
Shut up, Zoe and Kyle! Way before the season started, creator Ryan Murphy said that the heart of our story would revolve around a "Romeo & Juliet-like" love story. Cool, right?! Zoe basically spends her entire season telling everybody that she's head-over-heels in love with this shitty frat guy we met ONCE before he was brutally mangled in a car wreck. The only reason we have to believe that he's not a doucher pre-frankenstein is that he didn't want to rape a girl. Which isn't necessarily a good quality as much as it's just an inherent good that everybody should have--but I digress. After his resurrection--which is a whole problem in and of itself--he's basically a gigantic manchild for half of the season before he's made smart again because MAGIC. His mom diddles his PeenPeen, he ruthlessly kills her and then spends a bunch of episodes naked.
Then the star-crossed shitheads run away to Orlando and come back after what feels like 40 minutes. By the end of the season, Zoe's like "Omg I pictured Kyle leaving me and it was hell." And that was the worst thing ever. Instead of the strong female character Taissa Farmiga played in season one, the girl who Evan Peter's Tate fawned over, we get this boy-crazy witch with a poisonous vagina. Oh it's not poisonous? How the fuck do you know? They stopped talking about it after one episode.
By the end of the season, I couldn't have cared less about these two. They were boring, bland and dare I say--"Twilight"-esque.
I love Emma Roberts. I really do. From Nickelodeon's Unfabulous to her surprisingly good turn as the lead in Scream 4, I think she's a versatile actress. And when we were introduced to her AHS character, Madison Montgomery, I was hooked. A drugged-out Hollywood starlet with an attitude and telekinesis? Sign me up! In the first episode, she was the most intriguing character. She effortlessly kills a band of frat bros who had their way with her, and seems scarred by the entire ordeal. (Don't get too interested though. We'll never talk about it again.) And, to Fiona, she's a shoe-in for the role of the next Supreme. In the third episode, we're shocked when Fiona kills her and hides the body, which was genuinely startling, but surprise: she's resurrected. She, Kyle and Zoe had a mini-love triangle that lasted for 32 seconds, and once again I ask what the fuck there was to see in Kyle.
Madison quickly went from Ryan Murphy's most interesting role to a soapbox for things he didn't like. In the first episode she blurts out, "My vagina's sweating!" when the coven takes a serious stroll through New Orleans to learn about their history, and I laughed out loud--and by the last episode, when each of the witches are exposed to their own personal hell, Madison explains that her's was being stuck in a supporting role in a televised production of The Sound of Music--and not even as the lead. It was such an inorganic moment that just seemed like a time to get a jab in.
She had the power of telekinesis, and could start fire with her mind. So how did Kyle kill her? If you've ever read "Frankenstein," you know his major fear is fire, so I thought we'd do something there--I've even mapped out a rewrite of her death scene where Kyle strangles her but she begins to unravel the stitches holding Kyle together. WOULDN'T THAT HAVE BEEN MENTAL?! Fuck. Instead she dies twice and neither is more entertaining.
Queenie and Nan were two of my most highly-anticipated characters this past season. Jaime Brewer stole my heart playing Adelaide in the first season and Gabourey Sidibe has always surprised me with her genuine acting skills. And the top of the season, we're shown that they both hold a special power in witchcraft--Nan is clairvoyant, all-knowing and Queenie is a human voodoo doll. Whatever pain she inflicts upon herself can be redirected to another person.
Both characters are in search of love in certain sense. Queenie is constantly mocked for being a virgin and Nan develops feelings for the handsome Christian boy next door. I think now is the appropriate time that I remind everyone that there was a fucking Centaur this season. The Centaur has this whole backstory that connects him to one of our antagonists, but that's all thrown out the window when Queenie f'lingers herself in front of him and then he attacks her because even a mythological beast finds that kinda behavior batshit. Suddenly, all of Queenie's wants and desires are a joke. She became a sassy stereotype. The only other worthwhile thing she did all season was sacrifice herself to kill Cordelia's husband--but don't worry. She comes back to life without any explanation. Because fuck you and your understanding, Viewer.
Nan had this whole storyline with the neighbor--a handsome young man named Luke, who lived under the control of his jaded mother, played by Patti LuPone. After he saved her from zombies (ugh) and Nan seemed to have more power than ever expected from her, Luke is given a bleach colonic from his mother which leads to his eventual death, and Nan is drowned to death. I don't want to delve into this any more because that's how abruptly their story ended. And after a season full of awful resurrection rules, I was almost convinced that Nan would come back. But she didn't.
I love when this show uses actual urban legends in the plot. The first season used the Black Dahlia and this season used The Axeman of New Orleans. Of course, they put their own spin on him, making him fawn over Fiona Goode since she was a child. Also, we're introduced to Spalding, the house butler who--not unlike the Axeman--has been attracted to Fiona forever. So much so that he cut out his tongue in order to protect her.
I thought they were slated to face off. Because that's what they were supposed to do! Wasn't the whole problem with the Axeman--why he was so scary--that he was a ghost!? You can't kill what's already dead. Spalding turns out to be a huge pervo for no reason and whatever, and then he dies. Kinda stupid. But I thought this lame character would come back and fuck up the Axeman.
The AXEMAN enters the room, wielding a blood-stained hatchet.
AXEMAN: Ya' can't kill me, dildos. I'm a ghooooost.
He grabs his package--because he does that sometimes. SPALDING ENTERS.
SPALDING: So am I!
Spalding stabs the Axeman with a ghost knife or whatever, and he dies, giving his character purpose.
Instead, Spalding pervs around and we're never given an explanation as to what happens to him after the new Coven begins. Is he still a total creep? Is his ghost in the house? Dunno, don't worry about it. And the Axeman has this laughable death scene where all of the witches take turns stabbing him. It's the worst.
I was so excited when Kathy Bates and Angela Bassett joined this year's cast. Especially because they were going to play real historical figures! Bates was going to play the ruthless slave-killer Delphine LaLaurie and Bassett was playing notorious Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau. And by midseason, I decided I could have done without them. Laveau was all bark and no bite--with the exception of the one spell that made to cops kill each other, I felt like she spent most of her time shit-talking the other Coven. And eventually, she joined forces with Fiona Goode and was even more annoying.
Delphine LaLaurie could have been such a cool character. In real life, she was fucking bonkers. I thought she'd be killing these witches left and right. But instead, Bates played the same character she'd played in The Waterboy and only did entertaining things in the first half of the season. Eventually she just became a severed head that got reattached to her body FOR NO REASON--and she assumed and reassumed her job as the Coven's slave like 3 times.
The moment that I realized I was done with the season was when Madison told Delphine to flush the toilet for her, and in the next shot the entire Coven is unknowingly eating her shit. LaLaurie grins while Frances Conroy goes, "Ooh, corn!" and I genuinely asked if I wrote this show--because it was so dumb.
Real quick--Papa Legba was a missed opportunity. He's the gatekeeper to the underworld! So why not introduce him right away? I would have been so stoked if at the top of the season we were told that he was the only way a witch could definitely be killed--because then there would have been some stakes. But that didn't come along until the third-to-last episode. And it was way too little, way too late.
Myrtle Snow and Misty Day were both characters who were burned at the stake at the top of the season, and resurrected shortly thereafter. Snow was a member of this witch council with her own secret agenda and Day was a bible-belt reject who was killed for her supernatural powers. Myrtle was another outlet for Murphy's knack for glamour and grandeur and Misty was a chance for Lily Rabe to play a badass for once, after playing a distraught housewife in season one and a possessed nun in season two.
Things quickly went south. Lily Rabe was sentenced to babysit Kyle when he was naked and it felt like there was a lot of restricted potential there. By the time her character began to come to the forefront, it was too late. She became a sorta-member of the Coven which was weird because she was older than the other girls, and then was shoved into a grave--which was admittedly actually kinda cool.
Myrtle Snow's story was more political than anybody else's. It was all about backstabbing and secrecy and it was kind of interesting. But it felt flat. And by season's end, we had already seen her burnt at the steak once--and we knew she could have been brought back. So in the finale when it happened again, it was far from scary. Especially because we knew that in the long run, she could be brought back to life.
Stevie Nicks was one of the worst things about this season, in my opinion. What started as a little joke was turned into something unnecessary. "Stevie Nicks is a witch." was all I needed. Then she showed up and sang a song. Fine. Whatever, cool, ya' know? But then in the finale she had a Glee-like song that she lip-synched around the house. It was distracting and overwhelming. In a season with way too many characters, I felt like this was over-the-top.
The past seasons of American Horror Story dealt with ghosts, murder, aliens, satan and, most frighteningly, sexuality and the human condition. Their respective characters made human decisions and had human fears and desires. They felt vulnerable and scared and that's what made me feel scared. But with Coven, every character move felt like a joke--and there weren't any stakes and no situation was particularly scary. We weren't offered any rules about the witch world, which made anything possible. If everyone can be brought back to life, then when are they really in trouble? How many times could we be brought back to life? When can the witches use their powers? Always? Then why were there so many instances where witches were in trouble? Just levitate everything in the room, rustle some feathers and escape, right?
I sincerely hope that the next season learns from Coven and makes some repairs. What we already know is that it will primarily take place in the 1950s and that Jessica Lange will have a German accent. I'm going to assume we'll deal with body-snatchers or some other B-Movie tropes. And that could be cool, but I said the same thing about witches.
Anyways, I still and always will love AHS. I just want it to be as good as I know it could be. I'm not mad, American Horror Story, I'm just disappointed.
Just like the white-winged dove,
Andy.
I'd like to acknowledge Joe Greskoviak (my broth'er) and Mom for the extensive conversations that generated this rant.