Nothing’s here

this is some sort of a diary

[theassb]

For the past couple of days, I have been looking for comfort. I have turned to my sister and to God. I know He will come through. He always does.

Love you, Lord. Thank you for all the blessings.

[theassb]

It gets a little scary..

It gets a little scary when I think that all these can come crumbling down because we work together, and our relationship might just hurt what he has been working hard for - for years - and this pains me.

Thinking that I might just ruin what he made, or the thought that maybe when it comes to a point when he would have to choose - he'll choose work over me. This thought is in my head despite him constantly reminding me that he loves me, despite him telling me that this is just a hiccup - a bit of a problem, a proof that what we have isn't just something that's too good to be true - cause what we have is actually pretty fucking real and awesome. It scares me. A lot. What if all will start spiraling down now?

[theassb]

Seeing a possible reason why we would end

I have been pretty bothered since yesterday, but it's just extra today.

Everytime I do something wrong, or whenever I feel like I could've done better or I could've been more, this feeling starts creeping in. All of a sudden I am sad, or just not in the mood.

This thought that eventually he'll see that I am not the person that he holds high regards to - that I'm not smart enough and just isnt good enough for him. - this eats me up.

It makes me sad, and kinda makes me wanna distance myself from him. I think it's just my insecurities and me having no confidence at all.

[clair-de-lunne]

[theassb]

Here comes the buts

Here comes the 3rd month mark, and on my end problems are arising already. Ok, maybe I shouldn’t call it problems cause there really isn’t one; I’m probably just having dark thoughts which do not make me happy... which is bad. Right?

Relationships start fun, honeymoon stage does not end only after 3 months, but why do I feel this way now?  ((segue:: what if 5years from now, we’re still together, and he reads this post. ***MIKE, in case you’re reading this, please know that I love you very much and that I am smiling while I’m typing this sentence*** Wouldn’t really want him to think that I am conflicted, or unsure of my feelings. so LOL. 

I’m probably just having bad thoughts cause I’m overthinking - just like what I always do. Or. Or maybe I’m really just not used to having someone like him - so adult, so mature. I mean, this really isnt a bad thing, but... I can’t be the makulit, and very childish version of me cause he might think that I’m too immature? He has been the most reassuring, but he’s fighting the thoughts in my head, I’m fighting the thoughts in my head. Tell me, how can I just clear up my head so I can act like a normal human being - not sulking about the smallest thing.  Really, puta. Idk. hehe 

[suspend]

[theassb]

What if all of a sudden we don’t click anymore

I’ve had this thought since last night, our supposedly first date. 

I keep thinking that maybe, maybe I’m just being the pessimist that I am, or I was too tired, I barely slept and I worked all day - really, it’s probably just because of this.

I like staring at him, it actually makes me smile. I watched him talk and talk, and I enjoyed it. The only thing I didn’t enjoy was that we still talked about work. Usually I’m really okay with it, I love my work so I don’t really mind it. But yesterday was different - all I really wanted was to just sit and lay my head on his shoulder, rest for a while, talk about anything and everything but work. I just wanted to feel that days can be tiring as fuck, but I’ll be okay cause I’m with him. 

I feel like if I told him this, we would’ve talked bout something else. I tried, but i don’t think it went through him. 

Meh. I was just really tired. Cause today, I kinda just wanna spend time with him. lol

[theassb]

A Fortunate Turn of Events

How we got where we are, it’s just really a couple of *fortunate* events. Us being together, it’s something that’s just so magical. We click, we vibe, we understand each other, we’re just so similar, eerily so. And I love every bit of it.  He’s like my very own Chandler Bing, everything that I have ever asked for, and I cannot stop raving about it. After my last breakup, I told myself and everyone else that my next guy would my last, the guy who’ll take care of me the way I wanna be taken care of and more. 

And now I have it. I have him. And I don’t think I could ever ask for more. Two weeks in and we’ve planned a so many things together, we’re both someway somehow scared of the what ifs, mostly I’m the one who’s scared, cause he’s the calm one and all, but, there are so many possibilities, but we both can’t think of one reason why we would fight, why this would not work out - cause this is just so easy. So different from whatever experienced in the past. 

I’m really still not done thanking the heavens for giving me what I have now. Sometimes I still can’t believe. Most often than not, I’m just scared that one day all these will be taken away from me. I hope not. 

[theassb]

Cloud 9

For the past couple of days I have been smiling out of thin air just cause I remember that this is happening. We are happening. And I still can’t believe it. Mike called me at 12:30am of Sept 29. It was a random call that woke me up, but as soon as he started speaking I kinda knew what it was all about. He needed to talk to me about something, he didn’t say what it was, but  I knew. My heart was pounding like crazy - I felt it to the tip of my toes. He didn’t wanna say it over the phone and just told me to meet him at 6pm. I wasnt able to sleep that night. And in the morning, whenever I was reminded of us meeting, my heart just went at it. I even checked my pulse  - it was 109 rpm. It was crazy. 

And then we met. He was as nervous, as anxious, and even as scared as I was. He started talking, then I was calmer. He made me calm. Even before we came to a conclusion on how we were supposed to go about all these facts - me liking him for quite a while then, and him not knowing that even if we spent long hours, night after night at work talking about anything and everything. 

And when we decided that what we are, what we’re gonna be is a lot greater than the risks, it was, it is scary, he is a very logical man, but he’s doing it. He’s in it as much as I am - and this makes me extremely happy and giddy and everything else. 

A couple of times I found myself praying and just thanking God cause he just gave me the guy that I want. Today I just felt like I wanna hug God cause he really did me good. huhuhu

[quotemadness]

Sometimes, it’s the scary things in life that are the most worthwhile.

Cora Carmack (via quotemadness)

[theassb]

fucking pandemic

had this sudden gush of sadness when I was browsing through old conversations in Hangouts. Couple of chat threads are now labelled Deleted users - people who resigned, was furloughed for so long and just decided to look for another job. 

This pandemic has taken way too much already, changed people’s outlooks - for good and bad, and made a lot of people struggle. 

Just gotta keep on pushing, we’ll see the end of this tunnel soon. Hopefully. 

[theassb]

just realized that I should not jeopardize whatever is sure for something that - most likely, won’t flourish in the end. For something that I want, yet is pretty out of reach. 

Might as well settle for something that’s good, regardless if it isnt as amazing as the other one. At least it’s sure, it’s here. it’s in the now.

[theassb]

the boss

last night i dreamt of Mike, my boss, the extra awesome boss that I have who fucking believes in me more than I believe in myself. Anyway, so I dreamt of him. My memory of it is a bit hazy already, but rememberin’ snippets of it still make me smile.

He was just sitting right beside me, his head kinda on the table while my arm was on it too. It was as if we were both hesitant to do anything cause he was my boss, and I was his subordinate -- even in my fucking dream this was the dilemma. And then he leaned his head on my arm, then kissed it. huhu haha The next thing I remember was us on a kinda date, we were out. We were walking towards a mall, then I told him that I just need to run an errand real quick and that I’ll just meet him wherever we were supposed to go. Then I met with my ex girlfriend, got lost with her and then ditched her too then called Mike to tell him that I was in the mall already to meet him. THEN HE JUST SOUNDED SO HURT. Saying that I forgot about him. Saying that he valued me more than I valued him. And like........ and that was my nonsensical dream yet i’m still so kilig bec just the thought if him telling me he likes me too is already beyond reach right now. Also, i dont fucking know why my ex gf was in my fucking dream.

dude I’m just really looking forward to getting to know him even more. We have been spending way too much time together. Staying at work til 10pm to talk, just us two. About work, about life and about whatever we can talk about. Past relationships and family. 

He’s a lot like me. He gets me so much, and he listens to me blabber. and the biggest turn on? He fucking believes in me and my potential.

Dude, I just wanna fast forward to 2-3years from now. When I can be in Australia doing my masterals while he’s there too working or whatever (cause we got the same plans... moving to Australia.) haha huhuh. 

[thefuckgina-deactivated20150128]

[8-bitstories-deactivated2020062]

closing a distance gap can be difficult but we will do it…

[mitten]

[lordkunis-deactivated20160110]