The Basically Wife Life

I went from college years to 45, overnight. I live with my boyfriend and his 80 lb boxer. I am basically a wife... but I'm not. Most of my blog will mostly be about this, plus anything I feel permitting.

[thebasicallywifelife]

The cow jumped over the moon

In roughly 27 days J and I will have been together for a year and living together for 6. I’m 25 and he is 30… Everything has been going well…. I play all the duties of a wife and he treats me like one…

I don’t think it’s ludicrous to wonder when he’s going to make me “an honest woman.” Or more modernly, when he’s going to put a ring on the finger that does his laundry and dishes.

I’m no math expert but here’s a little something I have been thinking about… If you’re not supposed to think about marriage until after graduating college and establishing yourself (let’s avg 25 years old) and you have to at least be dating someone 2 years before you can pull the ultimatum card, odds already aren’t good to be married by 30. Unless of course you meet a unicorn who is ready for marriage. The system is rigged.

Allow me to speak for every woman out there in terms of my situation. I would like to preface this with the fact that I want to marry J because he is the most amazing man I have ever known and he is my best friend. There is no one else. With that being said, the system is still rigged and I still have to play the waiting and guessing game.

Let’s say best case scenario you meet someone at 24 (as I did J). We’re a year deep, if this doesn’t work out I’m most likely 26 before I meet someone again to begin this whole process over again. Now I am supposed to wait another two years..? How ridiculous is this ladies!?

When is ring waiting a waste of time? Why can't we just cut to the chase here?

I feel like it’s justifiably able to happen anytime now.. Should I be worried that it hasn’t?

Do I keep smiling and be understanding or am I just bottle feeding the milk. Why buy the cow right?

What makes me the most nervous is he never talks about buying the cow, he just puts money towards the milk.

I don’t want to be a cow. I want to be his wife.

[thebasicallywifelife]

Men like a challenge, until they're married that is.

So I figured it out… Most housewives in this lovely part of town aren’t sarcastic and witty because that isn’t pretty.

Pretty is happy, excited and clueless.

They are suppressed into being cheerleaders because men know that sarcastic and witty only turns into bitchy and psycho later on.

The stepford wife isn’t expected to have a good come back, she’s expected to have dinner ready with a smile… After all, isn’t that what boys days away from the wives are for?

[thebasicallywifelife]

You're my boy, Blue.

My flight takes off at 8:40am tomorrow morning, in Vegas this translates to about 5am in the normal world. One of my colleagues said “you should just stay up all night and go to the airport.”

My industry is really just a big frat party.

In fact, I’m on the board of a women’s organization (aka a post grad sorority) who threw a party last night.

There were hook ups, drinking, and cheating; but in our industry we call it “networking.”

See the 40 year olds are re-living their college years, it’s been a while. They actually have families and their time to drink with 500 of their closest friends are few and far between theses days. They go ham.

Speaking of meat, that is what I am to these men. I put them in their place but they hardly hear me over my breasts. It’s just ridiculous.

I’m still in bed, preparing for my big night on the town tonight. At this point I am thanking god my 40 year old bf will be ready to sit on the couch and go to bed at a crazy hour of 10pm.

God bless that good man.

[thebasicallywifelife]

[thebasicallywifelife]

This time.

Headed to Vegas with bags under my eyes the size of a GM Louis Vuitton Neverfull.

Why, you may wonder? Well, let’s just say I’m a bit crazy & dramatic whereas my boyfriend is a natural loner who hates communication. I believe they call this dysfunctional?

So we fought the last two days and I really can’t even tell you what we fought about, I’m that crazy. All I know is he said some pretty hurtful things and I couldn’t let it go until he made it right and he refused to make it right so we both stood our stubborn ground.

So here I am, headed out to Vegas looking like I just came from Vegas.

He’s fully consumed and distracted with work and I have, like, 5 hours on a plane in complete utter silence to remember and analyze every word and every feeling.

If there was a crazy meeter above my head it would reach 8 right now. A solid 8 and no less.

Time does not heal all wounds, time gives you time to get crazier.

[thebasicallywifelife]

Maybe this correlates, maybe it doesn’t, but this is my truth. This is my struggle.

This is me.

I always said perfectly content people just aren’t smart enough.

Maybe that makes me crazy…

Maybe I am right.

[thebasicallywifelife]

That selfie is ruining my life

Social media makes us all cray and jealous. Ok, well I guess I can’t speak for everyone but it makes me a little more nuts than normal.

Social media allows you to see the things people want you to see and that is all.

Pictures are already highly misleading and now we are letting people select only the good ones to be seen.

Great plan, Mark Zuh-whatever-the-f*ck.

While I’m looking at a selfie of you looking fine as a dime, my hair is so greasy I need to take my next bath with dawn dish soap.

While you are dancing around at the beach looking super fly and skinny as a pole, I am on my couch watching bravo and eating mac and cheese.

While you are posting pictures of that adorable puppy playing fetch and actually bringing it back, my nappy dog just farted and looked back like “where did that come from?”

From the university of crazy ass women, a study that was never actually done shows that 80% of females already have insecurities.

Now we have a way to track that girl that flirts with you a little two much or that really pretty ex girlfriend that we can’t understand why you broke up with because even we have a crush on her from her posts.

Well, that just leads to me getting drunk and asking you about her; which I did last night… Sad story.

I can’t help it, I sit at home with nothing to do all day other than his laundry. I stalk stalk stalk, then I feel like shit shit shit.

Social media is ruining the world. It is ruining my life.

So I wrote about it on social media, duh.

[thebasicallywifelife]

Notice they never expand on what “Happily Ever After” looks like.

We know the truth, Disney.

Good try.

[thebasicallywifelife]

Act like you're 40. Vacation like you're 40, or on your honeymoon.

So we went on this last min weekend getaway that I will refer to as our honeymoon out of bitter sarcasm.

Though there is no ring on my finger people still looked at me with that knowing smile… they thought we were on our honey moon!!!

We stayed club level at a very nice resort and because we are young we must obviously be there for our honey moon?!?

Listen kids, I used to think outback was a nice night out but these days things are different. I met my Prince Charming and he swept me away on his carriage, that carriage took me to a nice little house on an island and wonderful weekend vacations here and there.

I haven’t quite reached my “happily ever after” I guess, but it always happens much quicker in fairy tales.

Like sleeping beauty, what bullshit.

I haven’t quite reached the ultimatum time either, we are only 10 months yesterday so I will wait patiently and optimistically.

Anyways, so were on club level getting treated like newlyweds… we had a great time. Like, best weekend of my life kind of great time. We did the spa, a buffet, a hike, sex in the huge jacuzzi tub and most importantly, we laughed and laughed.

I make a lot of jokes about that damn ring but it’s only because I love that man so much.

I was a happy housewife. I of course booked the whole thing, did all of our laundry and now I’m unpacking both of us but for a weekend I felt like his girlfriend again.

We’re always playing house and he is always playing business owner and I guess if you’re going to act like you’re 40 you should vacation like you’re 40.

I hope I get married before I’m 40, just saying.

[thebasicallywifelife]

Housewives with no kids still drink

In the glory days I could go out every night of the week, stay out till close and get my money’s worth at $10 all you can drink.

Now, in my “mid 20’s” I get hungover after dinner.

I do believe this is gods way of telling adults it’s time to grow up.

[thebasicallywifelife]

So when do you think he is going to propose?

I don’t know people. I don’t know!

I have to live my life in curiosity and I can promise you no one wonders more than I do.

I have to make sure I always have my hair died to the color of choice (blonde of course), my manicure is fresh (mind you gel nails last 8 days on me) and I’m not a raging bitch if he seems to have specific and slightly odd plans (because that happens in every story.)

You people have no idea the pressure I am under!!!

We are going on a vacation this weekend and I would be lying if I said I didn’t wonder just a little. I can’t help it!

I went to lunch with my bfs friends wife today and she popped the question, not the one I want my bf to pop, but this one, “when do you think he’s going to do it!?”

I am then obviously forced to give the same routine politically correct answer, “I have no idea, I don’t want to pressure him or anything but I would say yes tomorrow if he asked. I just want him to do it when he’s ready!”

We all know girls are lying when they say this but we accept it anyways because this what is supposed to happen, this is the natural order. They take their sweet time and we patiently wait doing their laundry and cooking them meals.

So I leave lunch, call my best friend and say “when is that kid gonna ask me to get hitched!?”

The best thing about a best friend is she isn’t even caught off guard. She replies “I don’t know but the kid should be doing it soon.”

Anyways, I’m going to get my nails done.

All I can say is I may be a wreck after our one year in 2 months.

To be continued…

[thebasicallywifelife]

My day, my life. I am a wife.

Today I cleaned, did laundry, took my bf's clothes to the dry cleaner, ran food over to my bf's office, went to the personal trainer and made sure our dog isn't going to die from the stomach bug that killed our last rug.

Replace BF with husband and dog with kid and you have a 45 year old housewife on your hands.

I even wore cute work out clothes and makeup all day. Around here that is the soccer mom uniform.

To make things worse I am finally relaxing, what do I do? I turn on an old black and white Audrey Hepburn movie and contemplate running a bath.

I AM 25!

A year and a half ago I was lucky to get up by 10AM and make it to breakfast at Denny's since that's all i could afford; I was in college.

I barely kept myself alive, much less a "family."

Here I am, I am my mother.

Things happened quickly. Most people get to transition into this life but I met a wonderful man who is 30 but actually 45.

I wouldn't go back to 25 for anything, I love my life.

Waiting to say yes to the man I love, my basically husband.

All I got to say is "waiting on a woman, my ass."

#nopresurebro #hopehedoesntreadthis