I Need A Drink @thebesteban-blog - Tumblr Blog

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Why is this easier than it was in college?

WHAT WAS MY DEGREE FOR!?

Been away for a bit. But I was doing cool stuff like this.

#FGC #Namco Bandai #Tekken #Final Round #FR16

If you've been looking for me, I've been too busy playing this

#DSR #Darkstalkers #Xbox #GAMES

I've been editing non stop for a week, still so much more to go.

Once I start my Lets Plays, this will be tackled once and for all.

#SMT #Shin Megami Tensei #Hardcore #JRPG

When I finally get my own place, this with a Metal Slug will be installed. It MUST happen.

Addicted. Best show.

#ggcx #retro game master #game center cx

What To Do?

So I've been kicking around with what to do with my tumblr space. I don't necessarily have much to say about my personal life, and I'm too busy working to talk about work.

I've been kicking around the idea of using this to keep track of my weight loss (which will start right after this beer, I promise) because I figured if all of you can yell at me for falling off the horse, I might actually try harder to stay on it.

And then I can also use this to rant. You know how I like to rant.

But first, I need to find a better theme for this thing.

Times Are A Changin'

May be time to start this up again. Maybe build a theme for myself?

I've got plenty of rants in my head :D

Hands in Many More Pots

So last post was kind of a cheat due. Short and sweet without much explanation 'cause I was at work. And I work in IT, which means I prolly had to cut it short 'cause someone probably forgot how to type or is wondering why something won't turn on (it's not plugged in).

Yeah, IT has made me pretty fucking cynical when it terms to my career. I look more forward to planning my own projects and extracurricular activities then really going to work. Sure, that's probably the norm. But it shouldn't be. I'm a little tired, and the bags under my eyes and the motivation to wake up in the morning is slowly but surely dwindling.

So yeah, I have my hands in a lot of things right now but I'm also feeling that some necessary changes need to be made in terms of my career and what I'd like to actually do. And I'm not sure exactly where I want to go with everything, but I'll tell you that I don't want: I don't want to be stuck at a desk all my life, I don't want to be in one place for too long, and I don't want to settle for mediocrity. I want to travel, to learn new things and meet new people. Most people will say "Well that's impossible, you have to work blah blah blah career". Those people are dumb.

I'm rediscovering some of my passions. I launched my gaming blog site (www.holdbacktoblock.com) and am getting in touch with what was originally going to be my career: games journalism. I love to write, and I love to talk about games and their increasing relevance in todays culture. Sure I'm not the best writer, but fuck it. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take and honestly, maybe 60% of the ones you do. But that's still 40% for something to happen. And if not, I built a whole FUCKING site. A year ago I couldn't do that. As hard as I am on myself, that's progress right there.

Speaking of building sites, I'm gonna build more of them. Focusing more on langauges and development platforms, I want to know what makes sites I love tick and how can I make something as good for others to enjoy. I see websites and programming as puzzles, and I love to see where the pieces fit. Will this be a career for me? Most likely, but I have a lot of catching up to day.

As far as being creative, this upcoming slam season I will be competing in full force. There are numerous pieces I have in google docs just waiting to be fleshed out and rehearsed and recent performances I've done have received great feedback. I know I have something, as egotistical as that might sound, but I can see audiences getting into my performances and I feel something there. I have my own view of the slam community and spoken word in general and want to present that in my own way. I want to tour and perform nationwide and I've had that dream for awhile but let other things get in the way. No more, come this August I'm hitting the stage and I'm hitting it hard.

As far as traveling, there's Japan but that's going to be a whole separate post in itself. I've had my eye on California for a multitude of reasonings and I feel that's the next logical move for me, but that won't be for another year or two. I used to want to move to New York City, but I'm kind of getting bored of the East Coast. Though if an opportunity opened up in Philly, I'd probably move there tomorrow. I'm hoping I can get enough credibility with HBTB to be able to travel to more trade shows and cover various gaming events around the country. This will require me to get my finances in order and be more responsible with them going forward, something I sorely need to learn.

I'll have to drop some things or rearrange others, but these (coupled with some Japanese study) are my focus going forward. I want to enjoy my life and if work is to be a part of it too, then it should be something I enjoy no? Now excuse me, I believe someone can't dial out of the office (the receiver is off the hook of course).

Hands In Many Pots

So for the first time in a long time, I'm kind of excited.

I've got a lot of things in the works: Learning some jquery slowly but surely, drafting up a new portfolio site design, getting ready to shoot some of my poems, running bi-weekly tournaments in Red Bank, and launched a gaming blog site to practice writing. Things are pretty good.

Blah Blah Blah

Coming up to around a year out of college. That was fast. What's happened since then?

Got a job, left said job, got another job as a TA, let go from said job (behind the scenes shenanigans!), freelanced for the first time in my life, and found a job that has enough to keep me busy!

I've also met a bunch of new people along the way and restarted connections with some I thought were lost for good.

So I guess I've done pretty good.

So this morning, I'm dealing with that emotastic "There's a whole in my stomach because something is missing" feeling. Which is a feeling I haven't felt in awhile 'cause, well for one I was busy searching for income, and because I've become kind of content with how everything has been going lately.

I wasn't ready for the real world. I still don't feel ready. The routine took me by surprise. So I tried to pile everything I wanted to do on top of each other and I just burnt myself out while already being burned out from college and running a bajillion things.

So I took some time off (almost a year, wow) from extracurricular stuff. A few weeks ago, I started submitting some articles for a small gaming blog. Not getting paid for it, but it's fun. Then some time after that, I actually went on stage again. It felt nice to be back up there, and even though I have no desire to slam or compete in that world, I want to entertain. I'm decent at it and people seem to dig my stuff.

I'm slowly building something for myself. I'm just going to do things at my pace. There's no time limit really and I need to stop feeling like if I don't do EVERYTHING at this moment, then I'll miss something.

And I totally shouldn't be writing this at work!

Lightening Up

I can feel myself finally climbing out of the mental rut I was in last week. Bout time, I hate when I get depressed. It isn't like me to mope and be all "woe is me" but hey, chalk it up to that time of the month :).

Time is still an issue with my life. Trying to do everything I want to do in a day is exhausting, but I'll keep trying and making adjustments so I'm not killing myself with work. I want to enjoy myself and if that means not sticking to a schedule and just doing things when I feel like it, then fine. I'll learn faster and enjoy myself better that way than slaving away and getting frustrated.

What happens will happen. No use being upset with how things are. Rather just focus on enjoying my successes to this point and working on continuing that trend and getting to where I want to be.

To Be The Best

I caught myself doing it again: Making plans way ahead of myself.

Just take a look at my last post to see what I mean. Not even a week out of college and I was making these plans to be at specific places at specific times. I didn't even give myself a chance to recuperate from three years of working hard and studying before I was already planning the next 3 years of my life. I was high on the achievement that I accomplished (I fucking graduated college! Holy hell.) and thought I could just burn through whatever came next. Not quite unfortunately. I'm coming up on three months after college and I haven't really been the motivated entrepreneur I know I can be. I go to work, come home, sleep and repeat the cycle daily till the weekend in which I'm too burned out to really do anything else. Part lazyness and part time-mismanagement. I haven't been to any open mics, I haven't been to many tournaments, and I've barely prototyped some of my media projects.

And this is where the friends come in and say "But Esteban, things will fall into place!" or "You're pushing yourself too hard, just relax for now!" but I can't. I could never relax. Anytime I find myself just sitting around doing nothing I get sick to my stomach. I hate not being productive and of you need proof of that, just check my resume (working at multiple jobs while managing multiple clubs and groups at the same time).

Why do I detest myself while being unproductive? Because I know I'm the best. Or at least better than the average person when it comes to the fields I dabble in. Yeah it may be egotistical to state things like that, but I feel it in me and I've done it before. I've killed on stages in NYC, Philly, and Jersey. I've beaten high-profile names in Street Fighter without practice, and I've come up with projects and ideas that even the professors I respect highly are taken aback.

I know I can be the best at everything I do. I just need time to do so, which is where the problem is. I need to reorganize everything. I'm on vacation in Florida this week and ill be using the time to relax, rethink some thingss and re prioritize. I need to be the best, and I will. Just figuring out this "real life" thing first.

'Cause sometimes you feel tired, feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.

Eminem - "Collapse"

Reruns

I'm stuck in a routine.

Wakeup,

Drive to work,

Work,

Lunch,

Work,

Traffic,

Drive home,

Sleep.

It sucks. I hate routines and I hate predictability. I feel like I'm back at college except that now I have class everyday from 6am to 6pm. I get home exhausted and I blah blah blah blah.

I could bitch and complain all day, but things are starting to change. I'm getting a hang of my duties at work, and I've started writing some more poems (ok parts of poems, but hey it's something). Flash cards for Japanese have been made, prototypes for websites have been thought up, and dreams have been written down. Things are getting in order.

Predictability ends soon. Can't wait.

Me and My Plans

(I'm free-writing here, so this may be a long one. Also, I've been plugging at this for a bit, so time references might be off)

So I've completed my first two week or so of post-grad life (I even survived the rapture). I gotta say though, I wasn't prepared for how overwhelming the real world is. Not in terms of excitement (because fuck, there is nothing today if you're a broke college graduate), but at just how...open everything is now.

For the first time in a long time, I have time! No clubs to run or homework to completed the night before it's due. Just me and my after-work freedom (in the past week I've been working as an intern for a wine company helping them with their new website. I recently obtained a full-time position with Mon Cheri Bridals as a Web Developer).

And honestly, I have used that well earned free time to...sleep, hang out with friends, and play Mortal Kombat. Hmmm...

So I took a week off. Sue me. I've been going full throttle with a lack of social life for two ish years. I deserve at least a week! But even I can recognize when I need some direction. So I've decided to write down some general goals, as well as where I'd like to be in six months. This way I can look back to this in a month or two and gauge my progress.

Write, Spit, Live.

I hate the sound of my own voice, and I hate it even more when I find myself performing old pieces that I no longer see myself in. There are a lot of things that have changed since I first started performing (I would like to think I've gotten a teeny bit better) and my pieces need to start reflecting that.

I would also like to get back in the mindset that I was in 2008 when I first started writing. I would write a new piece a week and test them in open mics all over Jersey. I think at one point performing five times a week. There's a running joke going around that I'm the "hardest working poet" but I haven't felt that way in awhile.

I've got a head full of poems that I'm finally getting to work on whilst also compiling a list of open mics in as many different venues as possible. Yes, Nuyo, Urbana, and Loserslam are on that list but so is Jersey City, mom and pop coffee shops, and neighborhood bar mitzvahs. The only way I'm gonna get better and perfect my performance is if I remove myself from my comfort zone. Speaking of performance...

Sing A Little, Dance Little

I think I'm a performer. I mean, I've thought of myself as a good one when it came to my poetry before, but there's a certain feeling I get when I'm in front of an audience. I had a conversation with a friend once about why I do this and honestly I couldn't answer (besides my usual retort that it's cheaper than therapy). There's just this urge that I have to get write and get on stage and just go in.

But I wonder what else can I do. I've had an interest in dancing for awhile (because I can't do it for the life of me) and would definitely be up for learning more. Same goes for singing and playing the guitar.

I dunno, I feel like life is too short not to pick up as many new performance avenues as possible ya know? There's nothing stopping me but myself (and money is always to be considered) but I've always prided myself on just taking initiative and achieving things. I plan to continue with taiko in some form (I'll be auditioning for Soh Daiko this recruitment season as well as teaching my brother over the summer), but I want to expand. I'll keep my eyes open for opportunities.

Push Myself Physically

Looking back at a couple of years ago, I've taken myself pretty far mentally. Decision making, problem solving, general thoughts, psychic powers. I've come pretty far. But I've always been curious about what I can do physically.

I've attempted this in the past and. for the most part failed. Mostly because I never did it for me; either it was for a girl, someone made a remark, or some other external factor. Now, I want to see where I can go with it. I've been flirting with the idea of jumping on the MMA bandwagon or even taking up something completely unorthodox (capoeira I'm looking at you). I'll have the time (and soon enough an actual financial backing) now, so why not?

There's also Tough Mudder in November as my Pandora keeps reminding me. I wonder if I can get to a state by then to run it. Hmmm.

So these were the general direction thoughts. In terms of where I'd like to be in six months:

In Sixth Months:

Moved out of the house - Don't get me wrong, I love being home. Having family around keeps things interesting and my very good friends are close by. But my room makes me feel so closed in. During winter vacation I actually broke my light shade just by standing up! I have some financial obligations to take care of and consider, but as soon as everything is in line, I'll be looking.

Have A Win in NJ, Philly, and NYC - Most poets will tell you that winning isn't everything when it comes to a slam. And that's true, but for someone with a competitive streak like mine, there's a desire in me to be number one and to settle for nothing short of it. I've come very close, with second place finishes in NJ and NYC, but I want that one. And I will get it.

Get Healthier - I've already started forming some better eating habits and I'm avoiding making this a numbers game with scales in the like, but I'd like to see some general improvements in the next couple of months. It felt good to have people ask if I lost weight when I fist started this. Time to get back to that.

Save Money: I have a lot of plans, most of which require money. I've lived paycheck to paycheck for awhile now and my savings reflect that (poor poor savings). Before I do any of the above, I have some financial responsibility (STUDENT LOANS!) to take care of. But I also would like to have a nice little bed of cash just in case (and it will) things go horribly wrong. It's a recession after all.

That's the general idea of where I'd like to be in the future. There's some other stuff that I'm playing close to the chest, but all will be revealed in due time.

Let's hope I don't fuck this up.

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