Sometimes you find yourself in the most ridiculous situations and you feel the need to vent. I’m at this stage in life. The intro, though sounding a little odd maybe, will bring me to the bigger purpose of this message.
I fell in love with a married man.
There. I said it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to try and wreck his marriage. That is not the kind of person that I am. But I’m super in my feelings tonight and I need to clear my mind.
I have known this man for over 16 years now, and he has always been nothing but nice to me. Sometimes a bit on the flirty side of things, but he is a very open, outgoing, kind, sweet and funny human being. He loves everybody and everybody loves him and it’s all just innocent banter. My feelings towards him started shifting about a year and a half, two years ago, I think? I was congratulating him with an anniversary and the way he rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb when I shook his hand dropped like a bombshell. The evil, mischievous grin on his face indicated that he was just trying to gauge my reaction, but the tiny seed of love sprouted in my heart and started growing.
I am 41, I have been bullied, taken advantage of, humiliated, belittled, disrespected, hurt, and kicked when I was already down from the moment I entered kindergarten, and it still goes on to this day. At 41 I STILL have to fight for my spot in society, and it is exhausting. It is exhausting to the point of no longer being able to see and enjoy the good things in life. To the point where I don’t care anymore if my life ends tomorrow. To the point where I go to sleep almost every night hoping and praying that I don’t have to wake up anymore, and I’m not even religious. I had to learn on this very website that not actively seeking for a way to kill yourself, but also not seeing a problem with your life ending, let’s say in an accident for example, also means you have suicidal thoughts.
My crush and I had a conversation last night. I told him a little bit about this and how it has affected me through the years. He was stunned, he was at a loss for words and he just couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that A: people treat me like this, and B: that people treat eachother like this in general. And then he said to me:
“You are such a gorgeous woman. You are sweet. You are an amazing person, and I mean it.” And for the first time in my life I could feel that someone meant these words. In that moment my love for that man turned infinite and multiplied a gazillion times. He probably has no clue whatsoever what his words meant to me, but moments like these are lifesavers. The message that I would like to carry out to all of you who read this: if you know someone like me that is mentally struggling to keep our heads above water, and even if you know someone that isn’t: give us some love. Ask how our day was. Invite us over for coffee, we may say no but the effort you make in asking already means the world. If we do say yes, follow up with your promise. Nothing is worse than not coming through on these kind of things. If a person who is mentally struggling ASKS for attention, please don’t let us down, because life is already so hard on us. If we ask you to hang out with us (which we find extremely difficult) do it, it might save our life.
Thank you for reading this.
