Raging with Passion or Burning with Lust
I have to be honest here: when Aloysius asked me to write a piece to be featured on his blog, I was a little nervous. I stopped writing years ago, and even then, I was only ever moved to do so when I was so fed up or “raging with passion” about something that I dug the hell out of a keyboard.
And then came the golden question: what do I write about? My dwindling love life, my two years in the already-exhausting workforce, or trying to hold my life together by a single damn string thinner than the end of my eyebrows? And then I decided: fucking all of it.
So, here are some of my truths and some of my revelations, as I write them from my father’s childhood home in Haiti.
Being a Black Woman in a Predominantly White Workplace
Why is it that whenever a Black woman who is in a position of influence makes (professional) decisions - popular or unpopular - that are rooted in merit and morality, instead of succumbing to workplace politics and bullying, that she is all of the sudden “unapproachable” or “difficult”? Or both?
I’ve had this conversation with many of my Black women friends - young and old. The first consensus is that we all experience this at some point and sometimes throughout our careers. The second consensus: it is exhausting and frustrating and it impedes us from doing our work with excitement although we continue to do it with confidence.
As much as I’d love to offer a solution, I really don’t have one but I do have a few thoughts.
Tolerating this sort of behavior in the workplace is detrimental to our efforts as professionals and to our morale as human beings. Yes, Suzanne, we’re human beings - just like you.
I support the creation and existence of Black-owned and predominantly Black spaces, but I also acknowledge that these spaces don’t (realistically) reflect the demographics of the general workforce.
Fleeing to predominantly Black spaces doesn’t necessarily eliminate the problem, nor does it offer an appropriate strategy for addressing this issue.
Reciprocity/Unrequited Love
Reciprocity is important - not in the tit-for-tat sense of gift exchange and acts of service, but in the sense that in any romantic relationship, love, care, attention and commitment should be reciprocated.
One reality is that most of us know two things: 1) when our love is not being reciprocated and 2) when our love STOPS being reciprocated.
Another reality is that some of us continue to invest in the relationship in the hopes that - one day - our prospective romantic partner will suddenly realize “how special [we] are” and seize the opportunity to love us blind and mute, despite the reality that they continuously devalue us daily by allowing us to wear our hearts on their sleeves while they wear theirs on their genitals. (*deep breath*)
I can admit that, in the past, I’ve put a prospective romantic partner on such a high pedestal that I’ve completely ignored the fact that I felt and KNEW that my love was not being reciprocated. I can also admit that I’ve also been on the other side of the coin and that I’ve taken advantage of someone’s love without reciprocating it; I am not proud of it. In either case, I continue to ask God for clarity.
Emotionally-Unavailable Partners
In my very young and naïve days, I co-wrote an article titled, “How to Love a Man who Doesn’t Know How To Be Loved”. It was an overly-ambitious attempt to give life to a false understanding of what I THOUGHT was one of the pitfalls of my “situationship.” (Key word: situationship. Bitch, I done grown.) Our downfall had nothing to do with his emotional availability and I hope to truly make amends with this person one day. Anyway…
The fact that I was even capable of producing a piece like this speaks to the diseased “pick me” mindset that I was riddled with and that we demonstrate when we pursue emotionally-unavailable partners.
Some lovers keep us paralyzed with the very unoriginal idea of “potential” - both perceived and promised.
The potential of true romance: I call this “layaway love”. It’s the idea that: 1) our lover promises us a future (e.g. marriage, a family) without any commitment in the present (e.g. exclusivity, titles); we dwell on these promises and fail to realize that we are being led on. And 2) that we perceive our lover as having the potential to be a great romantic partner and caretaker because of scattered romantic gestures that serve as a glimmer of hope when they aren’t otherwise being a complete terror in our lives.
The potential of stability: I think that, all too often, women - especially professional Black women - fall into the trap of sticking around because “he has ‘potential’.” And all too often, we get flack for overlooking someone with “potential” for someone who is already established as if we don’t have the liberty to date men who are already established.
In either case, “potential” can sometimes keep us in stagnant and unfulfilling relationships and situationships that we have no damn business being in.
At the root of all of this tolerance, is the perception that you can’t do better. And you can. You always can.
As a lifelong medical patient, former student and now a severely indebted post-grad, my relationship with money has always been more like an anxiety-filled acquaintanceship. Up until about a year ago, opening up a bill - especially a medical bill - used to give me anxiety.
I am now at a point where I feel like I’m in control of my finances even though I have a massive heap of student loans and I continue to have medical expenses. There are three systems that I now swear by: auto-pay, scheduled payments and payment plans. These systems take the anxiety out of the process by somewhat removing me from it and allow me to comfortably live with the understanding that I cannot afford to pay it all at once and that’s fucking okay.
I am learning about financial literacy at my own pace and remain steadfast in my sentiment that nothing is wrong with living modestly.
(Also, checking your credit score. I was scared for years to check my credit score. I finally checked it about two months ago, and holy guacamole, does it look good!)
Stress: Stress ages you; it robs you of your joy and peace of mind and it can fucking kill you.
Some people in your life are living and breathing stressors. I’ve learned that, when dealing with these people, you can be sympathetic; you can be empathetic, but you cannot carry everyone’s load and you cannot be everyone’s savior. Eliminating stress can sometimes mean ending your relationship with these people. That is okay.
If your job brings you insurmountable amounts of stress, but is unfulfilling, unrewarding, and you don’t feel appreciated, leave as soon as you have the means to. Come up with an exit plan with a solid deadline and take your talents elsewhere.
Meditate, surround yourself with people you love and who love you and visit places and do things that bring you joy.
Health: My father always says, “In life, two things are certain: aging and death.” In a sense, you are only responsible for the life you lead and the condition in which you meet your demise. Take this to mean whatever you want.
At 25, I realize that while many things were and still are out of my control, I’ve missed multiple opportunities to be the healthiest I can be. I am taking small steps to ensure that I live a STRONG life, regardless of whether or not it’s a LONG life.
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