The Book Inside My Mind

"God is just another word for Love and I've spent my whole life trying to find Him."// Poet.// Miranda, 17.// This is the book inside my mind.

[wordsofpurpose]

If I had a penny for every time I gave you the benefit of the doubt and ended up wrong, I’d be a millionaire and you’d still be gone.

Money Can’t Buy Happiness (via wordsofpurpose)

[wordsofpurpose]

I’m tired. And when I say that, I don’t mean I need to catch up on sleep. This is a new level of exhaustion. The same kind of feeling that old, creaky forests have during their hundredth year of existence. It’s the feeling of being at a standstill. It’s like I’ve lived my whole life trying to beautify everything around me, and now I’m drained and empty of the necessities it takes to beautify myself. I’ve used all my energy to make everyone around me bloom into these wonderful, flourishing people, and I’ve forgotten to save even an ounce of that energy for myself. My branches that I used to reach out to people and save them used to be young and vibrant, but now they sway wearily in the wind, and occasionally, one will fall off. It may feel like a weight off of my shoulders, but in reality, it’s just me falling apart. I can’t even bring myself to romanticize it anymore. I am tired, and I wish I could find a solution.

Dreadful Slumber (via wordsofpurpose)

[wordsofpurpose]

I have a philosophy that when love is made, it cannot be destroyed. Although it might seem to go dormant for awhile, love that is made can always reappear. It never fully goes away, it just goes into a hibernation if you let it. When I left you, it was because I knew that the love wouldn’t disappear, and when I felt the time was right, we would be able to bring it back. It’s a strange feeling to willingly let love go to sleep. To stand back and sing it lullabies while inside you’re dying. I feel as if I’m constantly walking on glass and trying not to cry out in pain, because I know it will awaken. Part of me feels as though the love we had was exhausted, and we had to let it rest to repair itself. The scariest part about this is that I’m terrified to wake it up. There are so many unknown aspects that come along with waking it up. Don’t get the wrong idea– I miss this love in such a way that I feel like I’m going through symptoms of withdrawal just from letting it continue to sleep. There’s days where seconds feel like hours, and staring at the clock becomes a force of habit. And then there’s days where I want to set the love on fire to awaken it, but I know that it’s not the right time, so I choose to set myself on fire instead. In these moments, I burn silently, careful not to let you see. I keep my distance when all I want is to be as humanly close to you as I can. But I stay away. And I’ll keep staying away until I cannot take it anymore. This love needs to heal, and I know that when I finally try to wake it from it’s slumber, there’s a chance that it could be ruined. Maybe the sleep will have damaged the love. So this philosophy I have, I still believe is true. Love that is made cannot be destroyed– however, it can be forgotten in a state of hibernation. So please, when I feel the time has come, let me wake up this love.

An Awakening  (via wordsofpurpose)

[wordsofpurpose]

It seems that whenever I think I have myself afloat, you grab me and pull me back under water. This is a constant game of give and take, but I’m becoming tired of the constant blunder.

Learning to Swim/ Growing Pains (via wordsofpurpose)

[wordsofpurpose]

Moving on is voluntary. You have to want it. You have to wake up one day and say, “I’m not going to wait around anymore.” I guess I’m just not there yet. I want to keep waiting for you. I don’t know what’s worse: the heartache of waiting, or knowing that I shouldn’t be.

Voluntary/ Growing Pains Series (via wordsofpurpose)

[wordsofpurpose]

It’s moving day, and you’ve packed your things and taped shut all the boxes with your belongings. I stand here watching, but I can’t do a damn thing about it, because I am the house, and unfortunately, you ended up just being another guest who only needed a place to stay. I wanted to be your home, not your four month stay. It’s moving day. You take all of the furniture and leave me empty. You strip me of all the decor that brought me to life. You take back everything you gave me, and leave me bare, exposed, and alone. I didn’t think this was a temporary love. It’s moving day, and I saw the way you hesitated at the door. You want to be an architect, so how could you abandon the most amazing thing you ever built? But something makes you leave anyways. I guess I was not meant to be your home, so you glance around one more time, and I can see it in your face. Regret. You lock the door anyways, and that’s when I knew you were gone.

Moving Day (via wordsofpurpose)

[wordsofpurpose]

I know I’m sentimental,  So I should probably apologize On my heart’s behalf. It just seems that when I loved you, I thought you sincerely loved me back. I’m not kidding when I say Every night is a sleepless night,  And without you, I no longer laugh.  And I just realized, I can only apologize For part of my heart, Because you still have the other half.

Missing Half (via wordsofpurpose)

Go follow my new blog for new content!❤️

(via supernaturally-seduced)

[thebookinsidemymind]

New Blog!

Followers, I have created a new blog to post all of my poetry and I will no longer be using this one. Please go follow wordsofpurpose.tumblr.com! Thank you!

[thebookinsidemymind]

I’ve spent the past months in a screaming silence, But no matter what paradox slaps me across the face to say, “Wake up and realize yesterday will soon be today,” I’ll keep hoping that you’ll be waiting for me When I gain enough courage to look for myself. You exist in my deepest fantasies, And I lost you somewhere With my mind and my soul. Music sounds flat, With a heart this hollow. I’ve turned to the poems you wrote me As my bible, And I’ll never stop worshiping you. My mother used to tell me I’d eventually find my way into the church, But I never could convince myself To believe in something so powerful That it could cause peace across the human race. I’ve spent endless nights searching, For what causes my pain, And creates my paradise. I’ve found there is no higher spirit, But that God is just another word for love, And I’ve spent my whole life Looking for Him.

an excerpt from a love letter i’ll never send// #1  (via thebookinsidemymind)

[thebookinsidemymind]

I'm needy. There, I said it. But it doesn't mean what you think it means. It doesn't mean I want to deprive you from your friends and family. It means I want to feel like you want me to be part of your daily life just like they are. I want you to bring me to family holidays so your great aunt can ask about my name. I want you to hold my hand while we're sitting on the couch of your grandparents house and they're telling stories about you when you were four years old. I don't want you to hold me. I want you to figure out how my body works and show me affection. I want your hand on my back, asking me about the scar on the back of my arm. I want you stroking my hair while you tell me all the things you think about late at night. I don't want you to coddle me. I don't want you to constantly text me. I just want you to tell me when you make it home so I know you're safe for the night. I want you to tell me about the bad day you had and how you found out your grandpa has cancer. I want to know how all of this makes you feel. I don't want be another "needy" girl to you. I want to be entirely yours, and most of all, I need to know that you are entirely mine. So yeah, I guess I'm a little "needy."

Needy

[thebookinsidemymind]

I think I'm scared because of how comfortable this is. Unlike the rest of the boys in my life, you don't make me fight for you. You make me feel like "we" are safe and secure. I'm on a teeter totter that's balancing in the middle, but I'm terrified because there's no handle where I'm sitting and the wind has complete control of which direction we will fall. For once, I don't feel scared of losing you. You are my safe zone.

Security

[thebookinsidemymind]

When I asked Why are you in so many sports If you don't like them? You told me You couldn't stand the thought Of letting your coaches down The thought of quitting Was enough to make you feel Like you were about to drown. Two weeks ago, You almost gave up on me. "I just don't know right now," Is a phrase I'm used to hearing, But coming from you, It was much more impairing. You decided against it. You told me that you were choosing to stay, And while I was happy, I can't stop thinking that maybe Just maybe, You're only staying so you can't say That you quit, Because you can't stand the thought Of letting yourself down, Even though maybe 'love' Isn't the feeling you have. Maybe I'm just another girl That you wish you wouldn't have caught, Because now you're in too deep. Maybe that wasn't a battle I should have fought.

Quitters/ m.k.

[thebookinsidemymind]

Every fragment of every broken piece of my heart Is filled with feelings for you. They're almost magnetic, And these feelings Are bringing the pieces back together. It's such a cliche to say That you're fixing me, But I feel like a newly paved road. All my bumps and cracks and blemishes, Are gone because of you. I guess that fixing me Is just what you do. I'm scared to say I love you, And I think you know this, too. Because each time I say it, I rush a little too much, Like I can't catch my breath at the end of a race. You make me feel like all of the heartache I experienced before you Has vanished, without a trace. I've said before I'm too scared to write about you, Because these words on this paper That I write with this pen Are the equivalent of a contract And I've signed away my sanity and my heart to you, So please tell me that what you've been saying Is true? Because if none of its real, The feeling you say, Then I need to move on. Here is a place I can no longer stay. You're my anchor, Keeping me down, And without you holding me, I feel like I might drown. Just keep me and hold me At least until this month has passed. You've become the constant in my life And without that, how will I last? I've never been a stable person, And I don't know where to go. I just need some guidance And a nurturing hand to help me grow. Summer is coming, The months that I fear, Because now is predictable But "then" seems unclear. How do I ask more from you, What you're already giving your all? Maybe you've reached your limit, And my love is a meaningless fall. I can't tell if I should escape Or if I should stay and test the waters. My parents always called me a dreamer, I was always the foolish daughter. I'm begging you to give this a shot, I know it might sound like too much. But if we can weather the seasons, You might just find that I can have a healing touch. Like I said before, I'm broken in ways that might be hard to mend, But I don't believe that it's just me that's hurt, I can tell you need a friend. I want to be it all, Your love and your crutch, The person you cry to at night. Just stay here with me, We'll be alright. I won't stop putting up a fight.

The changing seasons//fight for what you love

[thebookinsidemymind]

I'm scared to write a poem about you because putting you on paper means my heart has signed a contract with you and love scares the hell out of me.

Commitment

[thebookinsidemymind]

I made a mistake. You gave me a second chance. But now I have to ask, what' s the point of taking me back when you no longer have any love for me left?

A loveless romance

[thebookinsidemymind]

It's so sad to me that this generations idea of romance is centered around texts. I don't want you to just text me. I want you be curious about me, I want you to watch me and discover all of my little quirky details. I want you to sit with me in my car in the middle of the night while I yell about the bad day I had. I want to hold hands in the movies. I want little kisses between sentences. I want you to fall for me-- but not for my words that appear on your phone screen. I want you to discover me.

Romance is over

[thebookinsidemymind]

Maybe someday you'll realize that you spent your time searching for the love of your life in dark rooms at parties and in the most far away places, while I was here the whole time, waiting for you to realize that everything you needed in a person had always been inside of me.

"Maybe..."//m.k.// Waiting on love// 2/16/16