thecagedbutterfly 🦋

online diary and anything under the sun.

[thecagedbutterfly-blg]

ATTRACT WHAT YOU EXPECT. REFLECT WHAT YOU DESIRE. BECOME WHAT YOU RESPECT. MIRROR WHAT YOU ADMIRE 🦋💛

credits for the owner of the photos

[thecagedbutterfly-blg]

[sunflorally]

so you dated the wrong person and learned a hard lesson. you chose the wrong major and had to start over again. you cherished a friend who backstabbed you. it sucks, but it’s also going to work out. that’s life; you learn, hurt, love, cry, laugh, and keep going. you experience setbacks and you grow and it’s all okay.

[thecagedbutterfly-blg]

Happy 1st of November! Hope you're doing better! Ingat always!

Happy November 1st too pretty. I wish you well too. Thank you for the greeting. Take care always 💛

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The fact that you are trying is a big achievement. Be proud of yourself 🦋

[thecagedbutterfly-blg]

©

[thecagedbutterfly-blg]

What if one of your long-held memories isn’t actually completely true? Does it matter?

hello :P

From my own perspective, i think it doesn't matter to me as long as it doesn't affect my life negatively, nor anyone around me. But if it's harmful in any way, it will always matter. It is a right to demand truth and find clarity because that's what we all deserve. :)) Anyway, hellooo :>

[quotefeeling]

“You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.”

— Stephen King; On Writing

[thecagedbutterfly-blg]

Success isn't a matter of being the best and winning the race, Success is a matter of handling the worst and still finishing the race.

It has been a month since I dropped out of school. Days had passed by so fast and I still can't fathom what I went through all throughout for me to decide to cut ties with school and the yearning for academic validation.

All my life, i've been dreaming that all of my dreams and life plans will fall within my feet. They were planned and written behind my mind but who would've thought i'll be the one who will tore them apart to take a step backward.

Yes. To take a step backward

A step backward and not knowing if the heart desires to return.

Why did I decided to temporarily stop pursuing my dreams? As of the moment, i want to tell myself that these are all temporary. The fire over my candle that motivates me to pursue my passion and desired career path temporarily died. The flames that keeps on burning disappeared as I drowned underneath my insanity. No one noticed. No one tried to save me back then until I lose loving my life and started wishing to leave everything behind. I am in the lowest point of my life.

I am tired, I want to rest..

Those were the words that my mind keeps uttering before I snapped. Back those days, walking in eggshells became normal for me until self-doubt filled my soul, anxiety and panic attacks almost wreck me. Silent but painful cries became my hobby every day and night. I don't know when did it all started. What I know is that I tried too hard to fight off my demons but they almost defeated me. I isolated my emotions and even myself thinking I can overcome them.

Until one morning, I woke up empty. I bathed, prepared to attend my classes and tried to finish my school workloads like a normal student. But in that very night, gloom clouded me. I felt completely miserable in everything I do. Every little thing seems so wrong. My work didn't satisfy me enough despite I was that close in finishing it. I felt too little and unworthy. A failure, useless and a disappointment. It feels like the world turn its back on me. I am alone and too tired of myself and everything. I hid and cried out like forever. I wished forever is just an idiom that time but it wasn't. It broke me deep down. My tears can't stop running from my eyes and I keep physically hurting myself. (I even thought I gave myself a brain concussions). It's difficult to compose myself or simply, I am about to lose my myself and my mind; my insanity.

I am so MISERABLE that night that I pitied myself so much whenever I remember it. I messaged my mom who was talking to my dad that time to asked for help. Maybe if I listened to my inner demons and let it consume me, I don't know if I can still write this post. Mom rushed to my room as she received my message together with my siblings to rescue the hopeless me who mumbles and begged "I give up. I am tired. I want to rest." continuesly. That's the first time they see me vulnerable and also the time they knew I've maximized my limits.

So today, I am still carrying the effect of my emotional breakdown. I felt so traumatised with everything that requires me to compete with myself; that prohibits me from loving the sense of learning. I experienced anxiety attacks when anything about school pops out (as to why I deactivated and uninstalled my academic apps and socmed accs for school), I avoided anything school related interactions as much as possible, panic attacks triggered without any reason (felt like a heart attack) and my heart felt so heavy whenever I stay in my study room. I can't even bring myself to open my laptop without being scared.

But despite with all of the roller-coaster emotions that swallowed me whole, I am still grateful that I didn't let it control me fully. Loud silent cries filled my heavy heart ripping me apart but I am still here, typing this short blog. I realized that I am bigger than my nonexistent negative thoughts. Many may not understand my reasons. They were not the best of me. Many may told me that I wasted my time over nothing or for being problematic, criticized me from taking a break and making my self and mental health as a priority or see my vulnerability as my weakness. But I didn't regret taking this step. My optimistic and life-loving side will always be thankful for my choices because I gave myself a chance to live and be alive and to enjoy the things that life has to offer. People will always have something to say; you can't please them, you can't shut them. No one will ever know how painful it was to suffer mentally and emotionally not until they experienced it too so I encouraged everyone to stay kind and check your family and friends. They might need it the most when you least expect it.

As for now, I am still skeptical when will I return to school. I am still healing as of the moment and trying to calm and find peacefulness within. I will when i'm ready. Without the pressure, and in my safe state. ❤️

Also, I wanted to thank my friends who tried to reached me out despite I closed all of my communication lines, to my family and my loved ones. I'm sorry for making everyone worried. Thank you for making me feel comforted when I am in my chaotic and loneliest and for trying to lift me up when I wasn't able to stand with my own feet. I am rooting for everyone's success all throughout the journey. Stay strong and don't let your candle be blown out. Keep yourself burning until you reach the stars ✨

Whenever you feel you're in your lowest point. Your feelings matter, I am here to listen and you're not alone. We can get through all of this.

All the love. 💕

Credits for the rightful owners of the photos.

[thecagedbutterfly-blg]

random.

You’ll know you’re now an adult when you’re stressing over financial stuffs like your carrying your home and acts like you’re the breadwinner in an asian family. People may think I’m rushing my life into being successful money maker but I just felt so hateful about it where I can’t do anything in my power to help and provide. 

I felt that at this age, I should be standing on my own ground and not waiting for the money to come for me. Not the people spending their sweat for my education and all I can do is sit and listen to this mf laptop and contemplate about everything. But this lazy ass is not exercised to be the social and a fearless human. I ended up letting opportunities passed by because I am scared to try, be embarrassed and frustrated. 

I hugely hate this human in me. I want to be successful in the course that I am taking, I want to have money, I want to be that independent rich human who can run the world. Please self, I don’t want to be useless. I look like a young fella but I know I can get what I want.

[thecagedbutterfly-blg]

The time you chose to preserve your best interests more than to save life itself makes you no longer a person of respect

Each one has the dark side we wish we do not have. It feeds the demons inside us until they are capable of eating us alive.

As the darkness filled the room, the heart slowly loses its warmth. It becomes cold until it freezes til we longer feel none.

As the gloom of hatred, anger, greed and sin grows inside our hearts, the conscience can no longer distinguish what's right or wrong. It corrupts the sense of judgement which no longer affects us. However, if one still do, expect that no wrong will ever be so wrong.

As the time pass by, as we continously fed the demons we have inside, we became the puppets that we can't control.

The light that tries to save us, slowly begins to fade; and the moment the realization hits us, we tried to chase.

Darkness gradually filled the entire room, we continously ran through the light while the blackness tries to shut us. Begged with tired, weak knees and cried to save us to survive.

The one who collided with their inner dark greed to preserve their personal interests over the life linked between the blood became the monster itself.

The demons inside us eat us alive as we let them dominate and control our actions. As their dominance invades us, we became one with them.

I hope the ones that are dominated will find their peace and the ones who are harmed with the dominance learns to forgive.

I hope each who duly indulge with the vagueness will find their light. And if difficulty arises, i hope someone will bring the light to pick and save us up.

[ctto of the photo above]

[thecagedbutterfly-blg]

one cannot caged a butterfly in a cage-barred cell but when it does it chose to be there.

These past few days, I thought of making an entry before school starts (online class due to pandemic reasons) in order for me to read or went back to the promises I made to break-free my little melancholic self in which I probably will really have a hard time.

I'm on my way to adulting stage, where one is obliged to be independent and fearless in facing reality in front of their eyes. I desired things that in which I still can't get ahold to since i'm still slowly walking my journey to the stars. Some reached success at 20s and here's me; a potato who still has nothing to be proud of. Well maybe I could boast my mediocre academic recognitions and being able to pass somehow the dream institution of almost everyone in my city once.

But despite of the steps I made to make myself better, I just somewhat really feel empty. Maybe I lack validation? Or just I don't love myself enough that I always think that I'm a total loser and flawed; like nobody likes and loves my presence neither my existence. Sounds awful but true.

Everyone is uniquely different but never a loser.

Even I myself find it difficult to believe. I always cry myself out for being not enough in people's eyes and most especially in my eyes. I don't feel valuable and worthy. I always find reasons to make myself look small. But even I make myself believe in all those things, did I step up? Probably not. I'm still that butterfly who's caged. I can fly freely out of the cage but I just don't.

Now, what I wanted is to free this butterfly out. To overcome the fear that overwhelms it outside the cold barred cell such as my social anxiety. I want to be free out my nutshell; my comfort zone. I don't want to be limited inside the silence but I wanted to discover my potentials that lies in deep down closet inside my soul.

I want to be the best version of myself and have a strong optimistic mindset. I'm tired of being pessimist and a cry baby. To break-free is the goal, the happiness and the peace.

"Your wings already exist, all you have to do is fly." 🦋

[thecagedbutterfly-blg]

Just remember when no one believes your potential and capabilities, I am always here by your side believing you have what it takes to reach the stars.

[thecagedbutterfly-blg]

something to ponder upon.

don't let anything dull your light and sparkle ✨