Writer & Fan

Hannibal, Supernatural, Marvel & Harry Potter, Good Omens, Doctor Who, Torchwood and other fandoms as well as books, mental health, nature and moods

[rebeccasteventaylor]

Well, that was fun. Rogue Nation is just so intensely shippy (especially as we know Benji gets his man in the end). And every time I see RN I spot another detail. Love this movie, love these awkward men falling in love with other and completely unable to say it

[heyyy-its-j]

Ethan's team in The Final Reckoning is genuinely so fucking funny. It's literally

The thief sent to rob him

The assassin sent to kill him

One of the clandestine service agents sent to arrest him

His tech guy he's known for twenty years (who gets shot)

His other tech guy he's known for thirty years (who gets blown up)

The guy he accidentally got reassigned to the Arctic back in the 90s

That guy's wife

[rebeccasteventaylor]

Benji appears in Trafalgar Square, alive and smiling

and Ethan thinks ‘fuck me, that’s my man, yeah, sod the IMF, I’m following him now’ and I love that for both of them

[itslifetreesworld]

I’m still thinking about the deleted lines in RN about Benji asking Ethan how did he know that he won’t bring a date to the opera. And then right after that Benji also had a joke line about being in a closet. I mean. One may call it coincidence but to some that’s actionable intel

[melxmv33]

"fall in love again and again, fall in love again and again" and it's Benji hopelessly pining after his seemingly straight best friend year after year after year for 20 years SO FAR 😭😭

[griseldajane]

Well I had to try to draw them.

I’ve really gotta stop being inspired by low res images. I could barely see what was going on! But I just had to draw them. 🖤 I tried anyway.

[griseldajane]

Here’s a time lapse of my final reckoning aftermath of the entity box study!

[featherybucket]

ao3 is down in my prime binge reading hours god how am I supposed to survive

[itslifetreesworld]

Watching FO commentary and they mentioned something I have NEVER noticed before but bloody hell

When the team of 3 got out of the boat and reunited with Walker, Benji was the first to climb up the stairs, and the moment he saw Walker, he turned towards Ethan

Ethan, who took a look at Walker first, looked at Benji again and had THE SLIGHTEST OF A NOD

And from the commentary, I think that was Simon Pegg improvising? That Benji was checking if Walker was good or not, evaluating him somehow

Was it here that they started (or it started even earlier and this is just them making sure) to keep an eye on Walker and set a trap for him??? I'm literally going insane. I'll be thinking about this exchange of glances and the slight nod for the rest of eternity

[ania612]

I couldn't (and I STILL can't) believe that they put it in the trailer

The moment I saw this scene I knew that I will be drawing it, but I didn't notice that Benji was crying (!) UNTIL I started drawing. So simple redraw became a more complicated mission of making happy (and more gay) version of this scene. Please enjoy!

Don't let this flop, guys. I spend an incredibly long time on this ;u;

[crabrat]

GIVE IT UP FOR BENJI DUNN WOOOOOO

[li77ard]

impossible husbands

[rebeccasteventaylor]

Personally I think it’s a brilliant bit of continuity that Ethan completely fucks up his leg in Ghost Protocol and then in every movie after that for years, whenever Ethan is injured or tired, he limps on that leg.

Constant reminder that these crazy stunts do damage Ethan’s body. That he probably didn’t take the time to heal properly. That the damage is long lasting. That all his injuries linger.

Just a fantastic through line as Ethan ages - even after all these years, he still limps because of what happened in GP. He’s not Superman. He hurts and heals and hurts again. His body is battered and traumatised.

[albaharu]

you might not know this cause i’m not posting all of them here… but im drawing benji shippy art with all the guys. cause i can.

[rebeccasteventaylor]

I don’t like Valentines, so as usual I projected that onto Benji and wrote a fic

‘What’s Benji doing?’

Luther looked up from the delicate and complicated bit of engineering he was trying to do, with Ethan being helpful (someone has to hold the soldering iron) to see what Ethan was looking at.

He was staring, in his usual burn-holes-in-your-soul way, at Benji, across the room, who was stood in front of his desk, clutching the strap of his bag, staring at his desk in horror.

‘Did some one tidy his desk or something?’ Ethan asked. Luther sighed, and put his tools down, switching off the soldering iron. Now Benji had caught Ethan’s attention, he would be good for nothing.

‘He probably got a Valentine’s card and is wondering who sent it to him.’

Ethan’s gaze snapped back to Luther.

‘It’s Valentine’s?’

‘Do you even notice the date? Is this like the time I caught you coming into the office and wondering where everyone was and it was Christmas Day?’

‘I’m never quite sure what time zone I’m in,’ Ethan murmured, looking back across at Benji, who was poking at something on his desk with a pencil, and frowning.

‘C’mon, let’s go make fun of him,’ Luther said. They walked over to where Benji was staring at the card, which had fallen face down on his desk.

‘Well look who’s got a Valentine’s’ Luther teased.

Benji looked up to where Luther had hitched a hip up onto his desk and was grinning at him. Ethan stood beside him, looking awkward and forlorn. Benji felt sorry for him - valentines would be one of those days, like Christmas, that he tried to forget, because it would remind him of Julia. And yet the reminders were impossible to ignore.

‘I don’t want a Valentines card. I hate Valentines Day,’ Benji said, staring back at the card.

‘Who hates Valentines?’ said Brandt, strolling up, Jane by his side.

‘Someone who has not had happy memories of Valentines Day,’ Benji groused and for a moment he thought of ‘joke’ cruel cards and dates that abandoned him and a bottle of wine all to himself. He’d taken the vow to ignore Valentine’s Day years ago, and so far he had been successful. He could hear Brandt taking a breath to ask a follow up question and he really couldn’t bear to answer it, he couldn’t. He looked up at Ethan, and though he didn’t know it, he looked pleading.

Ethan never ignored Benji’s pleading look. Before Brandt could speak, Ethan interrupted.

‘Did you get a card, Brandt?’

‘I can neither confirm nor deny whether I got a Valentine card,’ he said, smugly.

‘Jane?’

‘I got six,’ she said, leaning forward to examine the card. ‘You’re right to be careful, Benji, look at the building we’re in, look at the kind of people we work with. Anything could be in that card - knockout gas, a flash bang, a tracker of some kind.’

‘See!’ Benji cried, ‘Thank you, Jane, I appreciate your suspicious and tactical mind.’

‘Hmm,’ she said, standing up and looking at Ethan.

‘Did you get one?’ Brandt asked him.

‘I haven’t been to my desk yet,’ Ethan said shortly. Now he was staring at the card, now also suspicious. He’d once watched Hannah deliver a Christmas Card to a mark that had exploded in the mark’s face, causing temporary blindness and deafness. And that card was designed right here…

‘Maybe someone just wants you to be their Valentine,’ Brandt said to Benji.

‘Me? Why me? I’m not anyone’s idea of a Valentine? In a building full of people like Ethan and Jane, who would pick me?’

Luther and Jane exchanged a silent look. Jane nodded subtly at Ethan, who was currently staring at Benji with his signature ‘I’m distressed by Benji’s pain but I don’t want him to know that so I’ll smile brightly at him’ look. Luther shook his head minutely.

‘I can think of a few, Benji,’ Brandt said, showing an unexpected flash of his kindness. ‘There’s only one way to end this - open the card.’

‘We could open it with a bomb robot in the cellar if you like,’ Luther said, only half joking. Benji looked at Ethan, was staring at him steadily. Benji couldn’t read his expression, for once. A mixture of loss and sorrow and support and an overly bright smile and - what else was that? What was he seeing?

‘Oh well,’ Benji said, grabbing the card and opening it (noticing how almost everyone flinched)

It was a picture of a little teddy bear holding a heart and inside someone had written ‘happy Valentine’s Day!’

It was not Ethan’s large looping handwriting, and Benji felt a pang of disappointment. Not that Ethan would send a Valentine and certainly not to Benji but still, a boy can dream…

Ethan had taken the card and was staring at the handwriting. Jane peered over his shoulder.

‘Oh, that’s Cherry down in engineering,’ Jane said. ‘You know, the one who designs the car engines? She loves Valentine’s, said everyone deserves a card. She’s probably sent one to everyone in the entire building.’

Both Luther and Brandt nodded. Benji saw Ethan’s shoulders release a little tension.

‘You recognised her handwriting?’ Brandt asked.

‘I can recognise the hand writing of everyone in this building. I know it’s you refusing my request for more weapons.’

‘Look…’ they drifted off, arguing gently. Luther studied Ethan for a moment, still staring at the card, and Benji staring at Ethan, both of them looking they were trying to solve a puzzle. Then he silently went back to his work.

‘It’s kind of her but I do genuinely hate Valentine’s,’ Benji said softly.

Ethan looked up, at the cards on everyone’s desk, the hearts strung inexpertly across one wall, the look of excited anticipation on some of the faces.

‘It’s not my favourite day either,’ he admitted.

‘I don’t mind being alone,’ Benji said, taking the card back and propping it upright on the desk. ‘It’s just some days…’

‘You’re reminded rather too forcefully of that fact,’ Ethan replied. ‘Being alone, I mean.’

Then he looked up at Benji and grinned.

‘So let’s not be. If the entire city is celebrating, let’s go and join in. Skip work today and go and see music or a street market, go and get something to eat. Let’s not be alone.’

‘Ethan…’ Benji breathed. ‘It’s Valentine’s, everyone will assume we’re together…’

‘I don’t mind, do you mind?’

Benji managed to splutter out that no, he didn’t mind being seen as Ethan’s significant other.

‘Benji, I would be proud to be seen with you on my arm,’ Ethan said and his voice and expression was laughing and teasing but in his eyes - deep down in his eyes, was a glimpse of truth.

‘Ok. Ok then,’ Benji said. ‘Let’s do Valentines together.’

[rebeccasteventaylor]

As AO3 is down, and I needed Benthan, i wrote one. That's not an extreme over reaction is it?

When The Mission Is Over

‘The internet is down!’

Ethan turned around to see Benji staring at his screen, dismayed. He looked horrified. He looked more upset than the week before when he had been kidnapped by a gang of smugglers (Benji had managed to talk his way out of it, learn all their contacts and disable their communication by the time a frantic Ethan arrived to rescue him.)

‘Well, we are in quite a remote area,’ Ethan said, leaning down over the screen. His hand was on the back of Benji’s chair and for a moment he caught a hint of Benji’s shampoo, something citrussy and sharp he’d picked up on the last mission. Benji liked to change his toiletries every week, but underneath it all was still the essential scent of Benji. Ethan took a breath and then told himself off for being strange and intense about Benji again.

‘We should still be able to get a signal. I had plans,’ Benji moaned, gesturing at the screen.

‘Haven’t you already downloaded all we need for the mission?’

‘I need books. I need games. I have the new series of Star Trek to catch up on! How am I supposed to entertain myself now?’

‘You could talk to me,’ Ethan said, standing up.

‘Don’t you have your normal plans of a 10k run, and then an hour of yoga followed by an exceptionally healthy meal and then mission prep to do? You don’t normally need me for that.’

Ethan bit his lip. All these evenings in safe houses together, alone or with others. All this time in the same room, barely speaking to each other, only crossing paths when they had to discuss the mission.

Ethan hadn’t meant it to be this way. After Vienna – after the barge – he had silently promised to himself to treasure Benji. To never give Benji a reason to leave him. Benji had given up so much to spend his life by Ethan’s side, Ethan had to make up for it by giving Benji all he could. But somehow that hadn’t happened. They had worked together well – exceptionally well – but somehow friendship had seemed to drift away from them, swamped by the work.

That wasn’t fair to Benji.

‘I’ll do the run,’ Ethan said. ‘But after that, I’m all yours.’

Ethan almost never cooked, and he didn’t know if Benji did, but he came back from his run to find a meal simmering on the stove. It smelt delicious. He stood next to Benji at the stove and smelled the air.

‘That’s wonderful,’ he said softly.

‘Taste it first,’ Benji said. ‘Go and have a shower and we’ll eat.’

Ethan’s showers were normally quick ‘get clean and go’ affairs. Not this one. He took his time, he shaved carefully and brushed his hair. He reached for his normal black t-shirt – and then decided to take the purple shirt instead. For some reason, his hand shook a little as he buttoned it.

When he walked into the other room, Benji was dishing up the meal. There were candles on the table.

‘Looks like a date,’ Ethan said, before he could stop himself. Benji blushed.

‘I’m not sure of the electrics,’ Benji said, not looking up at Ethan. ‘I didn’t want us to be without light.’

‘Good thinking,’ Ethan said, sitting down. ‘This looks amazing.’

Benji sat down, fiddling with his cutlery a little awkwardly.

‘I was thinking about tomorrow...’

‘Let’s not talk about the mission,’ Ethan said quickly. ‘We’ve got other topics of conversation, haven’t we? We used to talk…’

Benji glanced down, at the meal, biting his lip. Yes, there was a time they would have talked about anything but the mission. But that was before, the days between that first mission together and Ethan disappearing in London. They had talked all the time then, getting to know each other, learning each other’s history, their tastes, their habits. Swapping music recommendations, watching movies, trying new food. There had been an evening where they had told each other the worst jokes they knew. Another where they tried to work out exactly what Luther did on his time off. A constant conversation, Benji unable to be quiet and Ethan responding to this new voice, this new life, so different to his own. Becoming colleagues and then friends and then close friends. Knowing each other.

But somehow, talk since they had reunited – after Vienna, after London – talk had become difficult. Somehow the words seemed heavy with unspoken meanings, things neither man dared say, a danger in the casual conversation that wasn’t there before. Too much closeness could lead to a step it was dangerous to take.

But they couldn’t go on this way. And maybe – maybe they could give a little. Just a little.

Benji took a breath.

‘So let me tell you about the first opera I saw….’

Somehow they managed not to talk about the mission. In fact, it was almost as if they’d forgotten about the mission. After a few moments stilted conversation, the words flowed as easily as they had before. They talked, and laughed and teased and learned. And as the sun went down, and the darkness became heavy around the candlelight, things were hinted at.

‘I’m glad you stayed,’ Ethan said. ‘I don’t think I could do any of this without you.’

‘There was never a choice, not for me,’ Benji told him. ‘It’s where I belong, with you.’

‘I’m glad,’ Ethan said again, unsure if another word would reveal too much of intense joy he had in Benji's presence. ‘But I should let you know – you don’t owe me anything. You don’t have to stay with me, I know it’s been bad for you, what with what Lane did. I know – I know it’s been difficult after that and…’

‘I don’t care,’ Benji said, fiercely, fervently. Darkness and conversation brought freedom from restraints. ‘You need me, and I need you. No matter what, I’m with you to the end. Whatever the end may be.’

‘I don’t want anything to happen to you….’

‘And I don’t want anything to happen to you. But it will, without me there. I know that. You know it too, don’t you? Don’t you, Ethan? Or – or is this your way of telling me you want me to leave? Is that what this is, Ethan? A goodbye meal?’

Benji’s eyes shone with tears and Ethan couldn’t bear it. He reached forward and grasped Benji’s hand.

‘No. No, don’t leave me. I don’t want that. Look - I try to watch you, and keep you safe, but I can’t be there all the time, and I’m worried the minute you’re out from under my gaze someone will get to you…’

‘I’ll take it,’ Benji said, bravely. ‘Whatever it is. I know you’ll protect me as best you can but you have to know – I’ll be protecting you too, in my way.’

They watched each other a moment in the candlelight, Ethan still holding Benji’s hand.

There was a beep, and they turned to see the computer connecting to the internet and a slew of messages appearing. Ethan let go of Benji’s hand. He felt like they’d been caught doing something they shouldn’t.

‘Back to the mission, I guess,’ Benji said softly.

‘It can wait a moment,’ Ethan said, wanting to grasp the last threads of whatever had been woven here, tonight. ‘It’s good to talk. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed us being friends.’

‘We’re still friends, Ethan,’ Benji said. ‘We’ll always be friends.’

‘We haven’t had much time for it lately,’ Ethan said, very quietly. The computer beeped again, more urgently this time. He glanced at it.

‘We’ll make time,’ Benji said. ‘I think – I think you need this. And me too. We’ll make time. We’ll go the cinema and train together and tell each other about books and go out for dinner and – and – we’ll talk. We’ll talk.’

The computer started to make a ringing sound. Brandt was calling them.

‘I’ll try,’ Ethan said, desperately, glancing at it. ‘We’ll try. We’ll try to be just Ethan and Benji, once in a while, every so often, when the missions stop.’

‘When the missions stop,’ Benji said softly. A large message popped up on screen, informing them if they didn’t answer Brandt was going to send in the troops. Benji got up to answer it.

‘Together,’ Ethan said, very quietly, watching Benji sit down and begin to type. ‘We’ll have time, when the missions stop.’

[itslifetreesworld]

This…this…just. I’m absolutely normal right now haha of course why would I not be