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Hilarious Prank! Nations Spend 22 Years Training Citizens for Jobs That Will Be Done by A.I.
SILICON VALLEY, CA — In what experts are calling “the greatest long-form practical joke in human history,” world governments and tech companies have successfully pulled off a side-splitting prank by encouraging millions of people to spend the first 22 years of their lives preparing for careers that will be completely outsourced to A.I. by the time they finally get hired. “Gotcha!” laughed…
Office Worker Blissfully Unaware That He’ll Receive An Email Asking Him To Do Job He’s Paid For
CLEVELAND, OH — Sitting peacefully at his desk while sipping a lukewarm caramel oat milk latte and scrolling through a 14-minute “How Wolves Howl” compilation on YouTube, local office worker Bryan Feldman, 32, remained tragically unaware Tuesday morning that in just 10 short minutes, his entire sense of mental stability would be shattered by a single email… requesting that he complete a task he…
FDA Head Recommends Diabetics Try Cooking Classes Instead Of Insulin
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move aimed at completely misunderstanding how medicine works, FDA Commissioner Dr Lamenessy held a press conference on Tuesday in which he urged the nation’s diabetics to consider “just taking a nice cooking class” instead of relying on insulin to regulate their blood sugar. “Look, I’m not saying don’t treat your chronic illness,” Lanning clarified, standing in front…
British Museum Review: The Only British Display Is The Queue
LONDON — If you’re planning a visit to the British Museum hoping to immerse yourself in the rich tapestry of British history, allow us to save you the Tube fare. The only thing remotely British about this museum is the unwaveringly polite, passive-aggressive queue to get in—and even that was organized using ancient Mesopotamian crowd control techniques. Upon entering, visitors are immediately…
Woman Picks Up Emotional Support Animal From Supermarket Rotisserie Display
TULSA, OK — Local woman Dana Merriweather, 29, was seen Thursday gently cradling her newly adopted emotional support animal—a warm, glistening rotisserie chicken—from the deli section of her neighborhood Safeway. “This little guy got me through a really rough afternoon,” said Merriweather, rocking the $7.99 lemon-pepper bird like a newborn as she whispered soft affirmations to its shrink-wrapped…
Man Loses 25 Kilograms After One Week At Gym, Credits Rapid Weight Loss To Dumbbell Crushing His Leg Off
TOLEDO, OH — Local man Jeremy Collins, 34, has become the unlikely poster child for extreme weight loss this week after shedding a stunning 25 kilograms in just seven days—thanks largely to a 50-kilogram dumbbell falling directly on his leg and removing it from his body “with shocking efficiency.” “People always say the first week is the hardest,” said Collins from his hospital bed, smiling…
Nation’s Schools Admit It’s Literally Impossible To Pronounce “Cork” Correctly
HOUGANG — In a devastating blow to both phonetic instruction and school hallway dignity, educators across the country have formally admitted that it is literally impossible for any student or staff to pronounce the word “cork” correctly within a school building. “No matter how clearly you articulate it, it always comes out sounding like a noun, an adjective or a verb,” said Mrs. Lenora Lim, a…
Man Deeply Moved As Wife Tells Him She’d Rather Die Than Be A Burden If She Ever Got Alzheimer’s
AUSTIN, TX — Holding back tears of both love and mild concern, local man Greg Wilkins, 61, reported Thursday that he was “profoundly touched” after his wife, Elaine, told him that if she ever developed Alzheimer’s disease, she’d prefer to pass on rather than become a burden to him. “She looked me straight in the eyes, held my hand, and said she’d never want to be a weight on my shoulders if her…
“What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?” Ask American Parents While Comparing Child Labor Opportunities
TOPEKA, KS — As the cost of raising a child continues to skyrocket and the dream of affordable childcare drifts further into the smog-filled distance, American parents across the nation are reportedly preparing for their newborns’ futures the old-fashioned way—by weighing the pros and cons of classic child labor placements. “We just want what’s best for little Mason,” said Heather Wilkinson, 32,…
Man Who Says His Love Language Is Words Of Affirmation Now Happily Dating Someone Who Calls Him “Shuai Ge” Daily
SINGAPORE — Citing emotional fulfillment, daily validation, and the occasional free half-boiled egg, local man Darren Lim, 34, proudly announced Monday that he’s now in a deeply meaningful relationship with the kopi stall auntie who calls him “shuai ge” every morning at Block 213’s hawker centre. “My love language is words of affirmation,” said Lim, eyes misty as his partner, Auntie Margaret,…
Nation Divided Over Whether They’d Rather Live With One Human-Sized Pigeon Or Twenty Pigeon-Sized Humans
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another sign that America remains bitterly split on the issues that matter most, a new Pew Research poll released Tuesday revealed the country is locked in fierce debate over whether it would be preferable to cohabitate with one human-sized pigeon or twenty pigeon-sized humans. According to the survey, 49% of respondents favored the single massive pigeon, citing…
Scientists Confirm Sitting On Toilet At 11:59 PM Results In Natural Phenomenon Known As “Same Shit, Different Day”
ATLANTA, GA — In a historic breakthrough destined to change the way humanity views time, waste, and late-night fast food decisions, researchers at the Centers for Biological and Temporal Studies confirmed Tuesday that sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and remaining seated as the clock strikes midnight officially constitutes the elusive cosmic event known as “same shit, different day”. “We’ve…
Study Finds People Are Too Judgmental Nowadays, According To Man Who Can Tell Just By Looking At Them
CLEVELAND, OH — Bemoaning the state of modern society while aggressively side-eyeing a stranger in Crocs and pajama pants, local man Dennis Ralston, 52, declared Monday that people today are just way too judgmental—something he says is painfully obvious the second you look at them. “Everyone’s so quick to assume things these days,” said Ralston, furrowing his brow at a teenager with dyed hair…
Report Confirms You Were Once Someone’s Sunshine
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sobering new study released by the National Emotional Weather Service, scientists confirmed Tuesday that you were, at one point, “someone’s sunshine,” a radiant, life-affirming presence that brought joy and warmth — until the devastating effects of long-term climate change turned you into an unpredictable storm system of passive-aggression and seasonal depression. “Back…
Bullied “Eyesaur” Fossil Unearthed Millions of Years Later, Instantly Becomes Fashion Icon
PARIS, FRANCE — In a stunning twist of posthumous revenge that has paleo-activists cheering and high-cheekboned influencers spiraling, the fossilised remains of the long-bullied dinosaur known as “Eyesaur” were unveiled this week at Paris Fashion Week—and have immediately become the inspiration for a global haute couture movement. Once cruelly mocked in the Jurassic for his lopsided eye sockets,…
$45 Billion Discovered In Nigerian Prince’s Compound After Decade-Long Struggle To Give It Away Via Email
ABUJA, NIGERIA — In what authorities are calling a “tragic failure of global generosity,” $45 billion in unclaimed riches was discovered Thursday in the sprawling compound of Nigerian royal Prince Oluwa Chike Obi III, who reportedly spent the last ten years desperately trying to give it all away but was tragically ignored by every single person he emailed. “I tried everything—Yahoo, Hotmail,…
Local Student Embarks On Journey of Self-Realisation, Becomes Luminous Light Source
PORTLAND, OR — Sources confirmed Friday that teenager Zackariah Jones, 18, has completed a harrowing, months-long journey of self-realisation that has left him approximately 17% more enlightened and 53.3% more radiant.Before his magical transformation, Jones catastrophised for leisure and spent the bulk of his free time mewing. What began as a routine gap semester filled with existential dread…