Two years ago today I sat in a busy waiting room for 2 hours waiting for Aidan to get his first shot of Testosterone. The few short weeks leading to this point seemed like months but, he was excited and ready for this moment just as I was. In honor of this important day in his life and mine, I'm finally kicking off this blog by sharing my honest thoughts and feelings from when Aidan first came out. I've had a few individuals contact me in the past who were curious about my experience and I thought it would be beneficial to share it with whoever else may need it. Aidan had looked deep into my eyes, opened his heart and mouth and finally admitted, "I'm transgender and I need to transition." The moment still feels like a hazy dream. Someone I loved and thought I knew for the past four years was finally sharing a deep secret that had been suppressed for far too long. I didn't know what to think or how to feel. Honestly, I couldn't even tell you my response. We didn't bring it up for what seemed like weeks but, Aidan can argue it had only been a few days. A lot of long, lonely showers were taken (my thinking space) and even more unnecessary worrying about the future. Like most others who are brought into this sort of situation, I felt that I was going to lose him. I thought he would change. I was terrified of one day waking up next to a stranger and I couldn't let the person I knew go. To my surprise, I wasn't understanding at all. I was mostly angry and I didn't want him to take the steps necessary to transition. While drowning in emotions, I attempted to find someone to talk to, relate to, or tell me how to feel. I browsed the internet to learn more about his situation (you know, instead of just asking him because that would've been so much easier and all) and hopefully find someone else in my situation. That was a bust and that is why I'm putting this story out there. Hopefully someone else who finds themselves in this same place can read this story and find some sort of comfort knowing it has happened to someone else. A small sliver of comfort was found with Chase Ross's YouTube channel (@uppercaseCHASE). He's a real, hilarious, and incredibly helpful guy who isn't afraid of the real talk. One lonely day, as I sat in my office I found myself browsing YouTube once more for a Chase Ross video to soothe my anxiety. After finding a winner, the wifi cut out and the video began buffering. I sat in silence, sorting through my thoughts, watching that loading circle spin around and around when all of a sudden, out loud I said, "WHO GIVES A SHIT?!" It was almost like something just knocked me in my chest and forced the words out and finally saying them aloud brought my mind to rest. The noise was silenced along with the worry of the future, all of MY selfish needs, and I finally thought of Aidan. Out came those words and I remembered how much I care about this man and how we've thought of our love to have lasted lifetimes before us. When I saw him that evening I knew we were going to be fine. I could not wait to tell him my change of heart and apologize for giving him a hard time. Beautiful, amazing things happened after that. He finally had my long overdue support and made his next move of coming out completely. Happy to educate in a positive way, we began having the conversation with family and friends, answering the necessary questions and shutting down the inappropriate ones. We researched and reached out to helpful people in the trans community for tips with filing name change and gender marker change. I must add, most everyone is very helpful with these situations! The most important thing that happened; Aidan did change. He became happier. His smiles were more genuine and he became more outgoing. I have loved Aidan for a long time and we had been together years before his transition. I can confidently say that him and I have known each other very well but, sometimes he wouldn't let me in. There was a sort of invisible wall between us and often he hid behind it. When we were able to work together to make the changes he needed, that wall came crumbling down. I truly believe that the man he is today is the man he was born to be. Watching the person I've loved for years blossom into this beautiful person has made me fall even more in love with him. My husband's transition has helped produce nothing but positive experiences. It has allowed me to love him fully and for the person he truly is.
