Daily Weekly Monthly

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New Hobby or new madness?

Jeff Bing is certainly trying his hardest be to remembered as one of Elsborough most eccentric Mayors. And that’s not easy. With Mayor Perry “No Pants” Peters we put up with his mid-morning streaking. Mayor Joe ‘big nose’ Quimpy started his days with a drive around town in his clown car and now we have Mr Bing shooting arrows from the roof of city hall.

   Last Tuesday Mr Bing was seen standing on the roof of city hall firing off arrows seemingly at random.  Luckily they weren’t real arrows, but the terrified citizens below didn’t know that and ran for cover in fear. It was believed by one observer that he might be trying to promote something, like a new archery club, but when asked afterwards by this brave reporter, Mr Bing said:

   “No, I just thought I should take up a hobby and I do enjoy archery”

When asked why he isn’t firing at a target in a field somewhere or joining a club, Mr Bing shrugged and said:

   “I’ve tried it. It’s much more fun to have moving targets.”

   At this point he raised his bow and arrow menacingly. Luckily I was packing my Nerf gun, so I was ready for a fight.

   As compensation for his pant-wetting hobby any citizen who was hit by an arrow gets a free cup of tea and a muffin. The only people who have come forward to claim the reward so far are a couple of old biddies short on change, but riddled with arrows.

   The reactions to this new hobby have been mixed. Mr D Cohen finds it all juvenile “He’s a grown man, for crying out loud. This is something a disobedient child would do.”

   While Theresa Lewis is indifferent, she said: “It’s no stranger than when Mayor Wilkins took up pigeon shooting on the roof. Only this time, there are a lot less dead birds.”

   Mrs Raymond had a completely different comment to make: “It’s ridiculous. He wasn’t even wearing a hat while he was doing it and it was hat Tuesday!”  

   One quirk at a time madam.

   So, will this hobby stick or will there be some new eccentric hobby to look forwards to next week. Who knows, but in the meantime, I am rather tempted to join him on the roof with my Nerf gun.

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Mad Sporty's at it again

By Thomas Stelford

Simon “Mad Old Sporty’ Mulligan (30) has returned to Elsborough to wreak havoc on its sporting events once more.

   As a teenager he was a fine athlete, joining every school sports team there was; football, cricket and running from Mr Pegg, the easily angered science teacher, but his dreams of joining a major football team were shattered when he accidently poked himself in the eye with a pencil, leaving him half blind. His foolishness drove him mad and he went on a rampage trying to ruin any sports event he could get near. He punctured footballs, set fire towickets, peed in energy drinks and tried to eat a dart board. His last act of destruction, making a bonfire out of sporting balls landed him in jail. He served 6 months and was let out last week. He returned to Elsborough 2 days ago and his first act of sports related violence was to throw cake at a girls hockey team and call the goalie fat.

   Police chief Andrew Roberts says he’ll be keeping an eye on Mad Sporty but admits “The goalie was on the plump side.”

  His parents refused to comment on his behaviour, but his grandmother stated “I wish he’d just become a gambler like the rest of the family”

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School Battle

By DC Finnegan

Anarchy rained on the parade of the youngsters at St Matthews and Bumble Bridge Primary School yesterday when both held a festival to raise money for charity. It seems both schools planned to have their festival on the same day and also chose the same charity to raise money for. While both schools were aware of this, neither one was willing to change their date or cause, insisting the other school should change. The result: war!

Each school did all they could to one-up the other, proving they could provide more entertainment and raise more money than the other. All they managed to raise was hell!

St Matthew’s hired a local band, while Bumble Bridge hired a stand-up comedian. St Matthew’s retaliated with a local celebrity, Michael Pips, two times winner of best home in town. BB hired a better celebrity, George Jacobs, who’s been an extra in over five movies.

When the one-upmanship got harder The Saints resorted to sabotage, sending an undercover student in to spike the lemonade with BBQ sauce. The BB returned the favour by sending in their own agent, loaded up on sweets and greasy food to throw up on anyone he could get near.

By the end of the day, no one left very happy, in fact not many stuck around after the stink bomb battle at Bumble Bridge and the mud fight at the Saints. The Head teachers met on neutral ground and decided to combine the money and not tell their own schools how much they individually made. They wouldn’t even let this reporter know the total amount. Regardless, it all goes to the local homeless shelter and it’s one occupant. Was it worth it? Gerald, the bum, says yes.

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Hats off to the Mayor

By Dave Falco

New Mayor Jeff Bing made a statement today saying he’d like to bring hats back into style. He’s declared every Tuesday to be Hat Day. No specific details were given regarding what kind of hat people are advised to wear, Jeff Bing simply said “so long as it goes on your head and looks good.”

   He made it clear that it wasn’t compulsory to wear a hat every Tuesday, but there would be a weekly prize given to the best picture of someone wearing one. And anyone seen without a hat should be booed.

There are even plans to build a statue in the town centre of the Mad Hatter made entirely out of hats. This hasn’t gained much support from the other councillors, but local sculptor Matthew Mule has already done a rough sketch.

   Already the announcement has raised mixed opinions amongst the locals. Student Margaret Kenny said “This is great, now I have the perfect excuse to wear my pith helmet in public without feeling silly.” While others like Mr James Boote 40 said “This is ridiculous. I don’t even own a hat. Should I go around with a bucket on my head?” It’s a suggestion we’ve all made secretly in our heads.

   While some may think it's ridiculous one resident thought it was an excellent idea, Mrs Rhonda Peters who owns the local hat shop. “It’s good to see the council encouraging people to support small businesses and hopefully people will be buying more than just the occasional baseball cap.”

  We’ll see how this new day turns out, but I for one plan to dust off my Stetson and join a hat club.

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Local Man Goes for Gold

By Thomas Stelford

The road to the championship is paved in beer. Part time gardener and beer mug collector Charlie Clack has been offered a job serving drinks in a pub that’s just down the road from where the table tennis championships are being held.  The pub is called the Dancing Mink and is known to serve a lot of the big names in table tennis such as that girl who won it last year and that couple who competed at the Olympics one year.

When asked how he felt about the job Charlie (39) couldn’t stop gushing. “I seriously can’t believe I managed it. There were a lot of people up for the job and I was afraid I bored the manager with my stories about my beer mugs and matching beer mats, but obviously not. I can’t wait to start.”

The table tennis championships aren’t for another few months yet, but that gives Charlie plenty of time to practice pouring a good pint. He hopes his years of working at the local beer festival will help in his favour.

Good Luck Charlie and save me a pint.

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The Race

By Alex Paddington

It’s been a couple of months in the planning, but finally the residences of Elsborough have decided what kind of race they would like for their annual town festival. Many have made suggestions, some sensible like bike races and rubber duck races, while some were frankly ludicrous like cat walking and grandpa piggy back racing.  It was a hard decision to make, which would explain the lazy answer they came up with…mechanical cuddly toy racing. This is what you get when the The Mayor pulls the event out of a hat. The idea is to bring along a cuddly toy that can propel itself along. Both battery powered and wind up toys are allowed.

Susanne Bradshaw, the teenager who suggested the race was thrilled and gobsmacked. “I thought it was too silly for them to pick it, but I’m thrilled. I get to race my walking teddy, Fluff Fluff.”

  This may all sound a little too silly, but the council has decided to make it the main event, which has not made the Elsborough choir ‘The Belters’ very happy. 

  “It’s ridiculous,” fumed Mrs Mary Potter, founder of the choir. “People would rather watch fluffy things lurch stupidly slowly down a track than listen to a beautiful rendition of Merrily We Roll Along.”

   Well, when you put it like that, I’d rather not go to the festival at all.

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Magic Player Hurt

Magic the Gathering champion Will Langley may not be able to participate in the final match tomorrow night after breaking both his wrists. The 17 year old was swinging back in his chair during practice yesterday and the back legs snapped, sending poor Will straight on his arse. With his arms out beside him they literally broke his fall.

    Will claims this injury shouldn’t set him back as he does have a volunteer willing to hold his cards for him. The judges will have to decide if this is allowed as it may be seen as having a partner more than a helper. Chances are they’ll find someone who knows nothing about Magic, someone who thinks they’re actually playing Top Trumps.

   Oh and Will may have to back out of the Top Trumps championship as well. Tough break…or two!

    The final match is set to be played   tomorrow night at the town hall. 7:30 til 9:30. Spectators welcome and encouraged.

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Hidden Underworld

By Sarah Jane Pifal

So you think the supernatural doesn’t exist? I bet you think vampires and demons are only stories made up to frighten small children and excite lusty teenagers? Well, I’ve made it my mission in life to uncover the truth, to discover the evil supernatural underworld that exists in the shadows of our own.

   You’ve seen it in movies, TV shows, books and other forms of fiction where the vampires and werewolves live among us, but no one knows. You see it so often that there must be some truth in it. Fiction is a popular place to hide, where no one believes the truth. There’s even movies that expose this truth, that shows that movies and television have been used to enforce this lie.

   It must be true and I plan to seek out this underworld of myths and monsters. I’ve been given full support by the editor to print anything I find and none of it will be covered up.

   For today I present to you an old bomber shelter I found while walking my dog in the local woods. It looks as if it’s been abandoned for the last 70 years, but when I followed my doggy inside I found evidence that someone has been squatting inside. Old cigarette butts, crisp packets and bottles of beer. Homeless people, teenagers; these are the obvious culprits, but that’s what the supernatural element relies on, people jumping to the obvious conclusion.

   Upon closer inspection I found, a dead fox. Drained by a vampire perhaps? There was no blood, but why would a vampire leave any blood behind? I would have checked for bite marks if the smell of the corpse hadn’t made me feel sick. Further evidence was found at the back of the bomb shelter. It was hard to tell in the dim light, but I the outline looked very much like a dead mouse. Maybe I’d stumbled upon the lair of a vampire, who’s turned against his evil human blood addiction and decided to only drink animal blood. Tormented by his desire to be human again he can only bring himself to drink from lesser creatures.

   The question I have to ask though is where is this poor soul now? Moved on or burnt by the sun to end his eternal and futile fantasy of being normal again.

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  85 year old steps out of house

By DC Finnegan

Mrs Elm, one of Elsborough’s longest living residents finally took the plunge and stepped out of the house today. The rare occurrence was spotted by her neighbour Mr Alex Beach, who went over to chat to her. It turns out she was only popping down to the shops to get some milk. Mrs Elm rarely ever leaves the house, preferring the company of her pet tortoises. She has a local lad visit her every week to do her shopping, but it seems he forgot to buy milk on his last shopping trip so Mrs Elm was forced to get it herself. The shame the boy must feel from letting an 85 year old woman with a Zimmer frame to help her and only slightly failing eyesight walk down the street to the shop alone on a Wednesday afternoon.

The occurrence was captured by our own photographer, Alex Paddington, while she hid in the bushes waiting for something unexpected to happen. Finally her habit had paid off.

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Shop opened by local clown

By DC Finnegan

A big new supermarket was opened today by a special and much loved/hated member of the community, Mr Bobo Funny Face, the clown. He was both welcomed by the children and booed by a slightly drunk reporter with a well-known fear of clowns.

   After cutting the ribbon Mr Funny Face made a few balloon animals, fell over his comically large shoes and told a few jokes that had the children laughing and the parents cringing.

   Minutes after the event Mr Funny Face was seen in the local pub engaged in a very heated argument with a certain nameless reporter. The altercation ended with Mr Funny Face chasing the reporter around the town with a broken beer bottle, thus enforcing Dave’s fear of clowns.

  Both men spent the night in the local police station. Mr Funny Face (Or Cliff as he’s known outside of work) tried paying is way out with balloon animals. According to one source it nearly worked

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ALL HAIL THE NEW MAYOR

By Dave Falco

Today heralds the beginning of a new government. The victor after a fierce campaign was Jeff Bing, ex-policeman and local pub owner.

   When asked how he feels about this surprising win, the new mayor simply said “I’ll be jiggered” His wife had a few more words to say, “I’ve always been so proud of Jeff. I always told him he’d rule his own town one day.”

   The couple were seen standing outside their pub “The Doctor’s Remedy” early this morning, hand in hand and smiling like fools. The Mayor gave a wave to the cameras and threw his top hat into the crowd. It was caught by an eager young reporter, who happens to look really good in hats.

   Jeff Bing got into politics back in 2010 in hopes of giving politics a more relaxed friendly image and managed to develop a cult following, but popularity grew after the scandal of April 2011. The scandal that saw the end of ex-mayor Peter Pips career and reputation. 

Jeff has already announced his plans for some serious changes to the council and the way the town will be run. His famous ‘Bringing back style’ speech has already given us a glimpse into what he has in store. That and his weekly pub quizzes he organises to raise money for injured animals. He proved to be a strong winner, and boasts an undefeated streak.

   When asking the people on the street what they thought of their new mayor, hairdresser Maureen Burke, 25, said “He’s got better hair than the last guy and he actually cracks a smile.”  When asked what changes she’d like to see from the new council she replied “More partying. They’re called a party after all, they should throw a few and invite me.” Sounds like a good idea, save a pint for me.  

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