He was my very first date in at least 2-3 years. His Tinder profile was hilarious. He had done this cute thing about how different people in his life would rate him as a person - including his mom, best friend and dog. He's a good looking dude but the pictures on his dating profile made him seem very average looking. I swear. The pictures did not do him justice. He be HOT as hell. But I didn't know that at the time. I swiped right 'cause he was funny.
We kept talking because he was smart. Like crazy smart. By that I mean selling his first project to NASA kind of smart. And we could talk about a lot of stuff. Especially anime and our fitness goals. Any person who would watch "Bleach" based on my recommendation is a solid keeper in my books. And I loved the anime he recommended to me - "Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood". He owns a lightsaber and a set of samurai type swords.
I wanted this guy to be my friend. So bad.
Why just friends? He is planning to migrate. I am not. Migration isn't an option to me for at least the next 5 years. I gave my entire 20s to the toughest years of my business. Now that it is actually making crazy profits and flourishing despite the economic crisis in the country, I am not ready to leave it behind before I make it into something I always envisioned it could be. If not, what I endured wouldn't even be worth it.
Would I be into him if the migration thing wasn't a factor? I really don't know. Theoretically, I could be. There are a lot of things that don't align up with us but that being said, they are also things we could communicate and come to an understanding. However, I will never open up emotionally to something that isn't realistically a possibility. So honestly, I don't even think about him like that.
He's a good guy. A good friend. An INTJ, so easy to get along with because my brothers are ENTJ and INTJ.
And I am an INFJ. My guards are way up high, and my standards even higher. I want to be loved. I want to be chosen because whoever I open up to cannot imagine not getting to share his life with me. I don't see myself ever just "falling" in love. I choose to allow myself to fall in love.
Anyway...Steve is an anomaly. I will tell you why in a bit. For now, let's adhere to the chronological order.
We continued to talk. After asking a mutual friend if Steve is an axe murderer, we met up for a pizza lunch date.
I appreciated his effort. He was on time. He traveled towards me in a fuel crisis in an Uber. He paid though I offered to split, with the logic that as women, she doesn't know what we are getting into on a first date so the least the guy can do is pay for it so she gets a good meal out of it even if the date was bad. He chose to drop me home despite my protests. He even went with me to the supermarket because I wanted to find my favorite chili and garlic sauce. Then after walking me home, he took a bus/cab back to his place. Like I said, very good guy.
It was my first date in years. I was so nervous. Not because I liked him, but because I was so self-obsessed about how I came across as a date to him. So to be honest, I didn't even notice how attractive he was. My brain wasn't processing. Anything.
We kept talking afterwards. Conversation flowed easy because there were not expectations or restrictions. I respected him, and I feel he respected me. I friendzoned him in my head.
I wasn't looking for a hook-up, and that was the only thing he was open to.
Then along the way, somehow in someway, the conversation about kinks came up. The discovery that we share most of the kinks and we might be compatible that way made me rethink things. A lot.
Then we planned a night of clubbing as I hadn't really experienced it at all and I wanted to do it at least once before I turned 30. But then I chickened out last minute because I wasn't sure if I knew him well enough to have a good time with him drunk. I didn't want to be a nuisance to anyone...or someone who brought the other person's vibe down. So we settled on dinner.
The plan was for me to show up at his place early, have some drinks, and we would order in. But then my overthinking brain thought this is just my second time meeting him. What if our texting vibe is a fluke and I don't actually enjoy his presence? I'll be stuck at his place. Awkwardly.
So I suggested that maybe we could go out for dinner. As an escape plan.
But...in my head, if the vibe was right, I had already planned to jump his bones. I trusted him. I had a good feeling about him. He is hot. He is smart so I won't be bored. And our kinks matched up. That theory is true. I, as the woman, made the decision. Dressed in matching lacy lingerie, fully waxed limbs...I was open to it.
The reason Steve is the anomaly is that I have never in my life been just physically attracted to another person this intensely without an emotional component. With Steve though, it was different. He opened the door and I wanted to jump him.
So I said I was okay with ordering in, we ordered sushi, and right after I was like "Do you wanna makeout?"
I'm pretty sure he was a little taken by surprise. I'll confirm once I ask him.
I don't know about him but for me at least, the sex is intense. In the best way. Fun too because we can communicate openly and focus on pleasing each other. No ego. No expectations. He is very experienced and I'm grateful for it. He is also very much a giver which I imagine is always good for the woman. I love how he mentally kinda takes notes about my preferences and feedback and the next time is even better.
Every time we cuddle afterwards, though it is very nice, I keep thinking "Oh no, oxytocin must be rising" but I am keeping my head and going with the flow here. The objective is to maximize pleasure, for both of us. And let me tell you, I am very, very pleased. Most of the time, this man helps me transcend to a different plane of existence.
I've literally only slept with 2 people before Steve. The first time doesn't even count because it wasn't really consensual (let's not talk about it in depth. I did the healing. I did the work. I am okay!). The second was my narcissistic ex who treated sex kind of like a chore and may have turned me off all men for a while.
So this experience with Steve is nice. It's educational. It allows me to explore in a safe environment. It's inspired me to tap into a more feminine side of me and I love that.
I am not hooking up with anyone else at the time. Simply because I haven't met anyone who meets my criteria. I don't want to sign up for a subpar mediocre experience. No, thank you. Steve is hooking up with others and I kinda get to live vicariously through his experiences. That's exciting too!
But yes. I get why Harvey thought Steve might be a concern.
I am very much sexually satisfied that my drive to want to be attracted to others the same way is less. I can observe it logically. That being said, I am not done exploring yet either.
Hooking up with Steve is a very temporary thing. Maybe a few months at best. I know myself. If I am not emotionally into someone, no matter how hot they are and how sexually compatible we are, the attraction won't last. And if by some miraculous anomaly I end up catching feels for Steve, I am hightailing the hell out of here.
So I intend to enjoy it while it lasts.
