feel free to change any pronouns, etc. || may contain some nsfw!
“I don’t need you to see this! Get out of here now!”
“That’s what she gets for eating my roast beef sandwich!”
“I had a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and some Gatorade.”
“I’ll get you Spam and eggs.”
“Want me to put peanut butter cups in your eggs?”
“Are you staring at me or her? ‘Cause you’re starting to freak me out.”
“I am grouchy from the lack of recent physical intimacy.”
“I don’t know if you realize that I’m not into guys.”
“Now why didn’t I think of that?”
“I miss them so much when they’re gone that I just hold onto them for 5 minutes each.”
“I like you making me laugh.”
“... And the real cool thing about walruses is that they’re very mysterious.”
“Would you like to have breakfast again? Tomorrow? Same time?”
“I wish I could make it, but... Yes, I’ll be there.”
“I had a bee on me! He was a big one!”
“Look at those two shitheads...”
“You suck, you’re good at everything.”
“Father of the Year strikes again!”
“I live vicariously through you, remember?”
“Sharks are naturally peaceful.”
“I’ve been thinking about you all morning... All day...”
“I just wanna eat you up.”
“I think I’m getting kind of drunk...”
“Can I pretend you didn’t just say that and still have sex with you anyway?”
“My fingers are extra fishy today if you’d care to take a whiff!”
“I was petting my walrus today and I was thinking about you the whole time.”
“Okay, pervert, I think you should leave.”
“I’m just joking around because of what we talked about yesterday...”
“I’ve never even met you.”
“Put that down, I’ll handle this.”
“I was kidding around with you!”
“[Name] does the same thing everyday.”
“I can’t believe it! Bruce Willis is a ghost!”
“You got a cat or something? ‘Cause I feel something licking me.”
“Oh, are you from a country where it’s okay to stick your fingers all over someone else’s food?”
“You look like a person who appreciates fine art, so I wanted your opinion on something...”
“I wonder what’s the matter with him...”
“Looks like a stupid asshole to me.”
“I’ll get an order of pan...cu...pan-clocks!”
“You and me are gonna straighten some things out.”
“The damn [Animal] got in the garbage again!”
“Start beating me up. Make it look good!”
“I’m seeing a whole new side to you. I gotta admit it’s grossing me out.”
“What’s in this for you? What do you get out of this?”
“I have a boyfriend, so... I’m sorry-----”
“Making up a boyfriend so you can get rid of me?”
“[Name] was in the hospital for 3 months.”
“Don’t call me [Name/Petname/Nickname], I barely know you.”
“You’re sort of dating him.”
“Sorry I’m not better looking...”
“Don’t you think you’re a little old to still have wet dreams?”
“Thank you for being so nice to me.”
“‘Love’ is a very loaded word...”
“I love you very much. Probably more than anybody could love another person.”
“Nothing beats a first kiss.”
“You were going for a feelski!”
“After the 12th date, I am entitled to unlimited boob action.”
“You say that all the time...”
“Do you think [Name] and I are ready to take our relationship to the next level?”
“Do you think that I should bring [Name] into the other room and take advantage of him?”
“Well, I may not be able to kick your ass, but my sister sure can.”
“Don’t worry, you’re not gonna suffer any short-term memory loss, but was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?”
“Did you tell [Name] about this trip yet?”
“I came here to break up with you.”
“You have to understand that there is no future with me.”
“I’m gonna do it whether you want me to or not.”
“Can I have one last first kiss?”
“Bring me back a T-shirt.”
“I love Spam and Reese’s, can I have it?”
“Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older, and we wouldn’t have to wait so long?”
“Do you have any idea who I am?”
“I dream about you almost every night.”
“You’re the woman of my dreams...”
