The Dauntless

Kallie Essa || 30 || DJ / Electrician [ private rp account for THE FINAL HOUR ]

[thedauntless]

arceannard​:

A Moment’s Peace II Open

———— Cliffs in which matched the sky, rolling green hills so vibrant one’s mind could be lost in them. With each step, the soul cleansed of the sins of man, the clouds rolling above the crown of kings as a reminder they were at its mercy. The world once known by this man was not of the same cloth as the one he resided in then. The skies were often a clear blue, the ground paved by hands of men - the illusion of the unification of the divine and the ordinary - the lie of peace. Yet, they had been punished the worst of it, their people perishing and their cultures left in the carnage. The bloodshed had blinded them all, instilled a fear that provided chaos the means to rise in their breasts. The semblance of normalcies lingered around their community but were not sufficient to trick his troubled mind into relieving itself of the agony resting between his temples. Maitheanas dhuinn, tha sinn air chall. Were they not all wandering ghosts in a fog of terror? Believing that the world would shift and they would once again bask in the warm open sun as if nothing ever occurred?

Cynicism had tormented his crown more than usual during his nightly rest, as the sole person he felt he loved had left within the night without so much as a farewell. A costly decision on her part, a stab to the heart of an already wounded creature. He was nothing to anyone anymore, such was clear. It as a lonely existence to start, yet this burned more than anything before it. Lachlan decided he must make a different name for himself, defend the person that he was in an attempt to regain self-importance - else he would perish within the prison of his head.

The morning lent itself to thought, his eyes traveling to look above, the wind whipping through his curls. There was not much more beautiful than foliage beneath the sunrise. Green extremities mingling with the purple and pink hues of the start of the day. The shadow of the large tree Lily once sat casting across his tall frame, covering the emotions prevalent within his features. If there was a shred of peace left for him in the world, he might find such a thing here. He stepped towards the tree, weathered hands mirroring the texture as it ran over the bark. A sigh escaped his lips as he watched the leaves dance among the breeze. Oh, how he yearned to be so free, so careless. He made the sign of the cross on his chest, paying his respect to his friend who abandoned their safe haven. How he prayed for her safe return to their lodging.

A smirk crept onto his lips, turning them upwards - always a wild lass, that one, if I see er again I’ll have to give er a kiss. He would have laughed at such a thing had he not heard footsteps approaching from behind. He turned upon his heels, gaze meeting that of another. They seemed as lost as he, perhaps on the same fruitless journey for a moment’s peace. The sun shone down on them, casting their shadow behind them, almost as if representing the small part of oneself that always travels in wake of those who dare walk the land. “Yer an early riser like maself I see… I wouldnae mind a bit of company… The name’s Lachlan, it’s my pleasure.”

His fingers reached towards the other person in an effort to show respect, hand lingering in the space between them. Lachlan saw no need to build his guard around the inhabitants of Crescent, as they seemed a lovely lot to him. Even the council had provided him a nice room with plenty of medicine and food - such kindness was hard to come by in their current world - a lost art of hospitality.

–++–

“is it?”

a quiet question from her lips - one hand reaching up to dislodge the headphones which seemed a permanent fixture on the young womans head.  a solace in kind - with a few... minor adjustments.  there’s something of an rare amusement playing at the corner of her lips with the tease.  perhaps one she’d not had reason to speak of in a long time.  

“...early?  or just... really late?”

in a life long gone, morning and night were a simple blend - the orange in the sky was either sunrise or sunset and the only thing that had made any marked difference was the pace of the music in the air.  a heavy beat and dropping bass of the sunset - parties starting and hedonism abound.  bodies thriving and moving to in unison into the night.  and sunrise was marked with a slower come down chill.  a lullaby to soothe weary bodies and blissed out minds.

as it was - she hadn’t been able to sleep.  and in the quieter hours had taken to wandering within the walls.  exploring the long winding corridors of the hospital, walking the marked paths through the gardens.  taking to the perimeter and wondering when to take the leap beyond once more - out into the wilder lands.  to take her life and throw it on the mercy of chance, luck or whatever else might decide to take an interest in her fate...

“kallie.”

she takes his offered hand.  less of a pause this time.  getting a little more used to something that had the appearance of ‘trust’ ( not that she DID trust, but there was less of an obvious hesitancy ).

“pleasure is a hard come by commodity these days but - hey - glad you’re getting a kick out of this.”

more teasing, yes.  but she’s weary of being uptight.  tired of being guarded.   so fucking what if she actually - for a hot minute - actually has a goddamn conversation with someone who isn’t tiptoeing around her like she’s either made of glass or some kind of demon incarnate.

“but - sure... i might not have much to offer, but time... is one thing i seem to have an abundance of right now so - i can do company for a while.”

[thedauntless]

tfhxsujin​:

-*-

Su-Jin noticed Kallie’s hesitancy and honestly, Su-Jin didn’t blame her for it. While Su-Jin had been lucky enough to have met those who would go on to establish the community here early on into the end of the world, she had still encountered less-than-savoury characters. Some of them were only in her life for a short while but there was the occasional lingerer. Good riddance to them all. But not everyone was awful, Su-Jin knew that, but trusting a new person blindly was not a wise move these days.

Even though Kallie claimed it wasn’t worth remembering who she was as she wasn’t planning on staying, Su-Jin still committed her details to memory. She often recalled those she had met before and had not seen since, hoping they were OK out there, somewhere. Was it a waste of her time to remember them? Maybe, but she liked the idea that someone remembered them. After all, no one could die as long as someone remembered them, right? It was the closest anyone could get to truly surviving this nightmare.

But Su-Jin wasn’t going to mention that now to Kallie. Something about the way Kallie held herself indicated she wouldn’t care for Su-Jin insisting on remembering her so she kept that information to herself. Instead Su-Jin focused on their actual conversation about the sunflowers.

“You make a good point,” Su-Jin admitted as Kallie pointed out the lack of nutritional value in most pretty things. “But this place could use the colour. We’re supposed to be making this place our home. Part of that is, yes, ensuring we have enough food to survive, but we have to feed our souls as well as our bodies if we’re gonna make it through.”

Su-Jin’s eyes went wide as Kallie offered a trade. She worried her bottom lip with her teeth for a moment, unsure if she was in position to use the community’s stock to make trades. However, Kallie had been welcomed into the Hospital by the Council. She’d be using the supplies while she stayed here anyway. So what was the harm?

“Colour me interested,” she told Kallie. “What were you looking for in return?”

–++–

“don’t put too much of yourself into the idea of permanence.”

the words come out quietly.  when su-jin speaks of ‘home’.  the concept was something that kallie had pushed from her mind a long time ago.  the warmth and comfort of a place, a space of safety and belonging had turned into just as much of a barren wasteland in her mind as the reality of the world beyond those walls.  and it... hurt ( not that she’d EVER admit it ) - to think of a time when she had a home.  ( and someone to share it with... )

“it doesn’t exist.”

she’s not being harsh.  it’s just a quiet honesty.   and she doesn’t really want to consider the possibility of having a ‘soul’.  if she did, that had long since been stained beyond the point of redemption.  why would she feed something like that?

but she’s shrugging off the idea of ‘home’ in the next breath.  let su-jin put the effort in where she pleased.  she may well consider it to be her home, but it wasn’t kallies.  this was just -- temporary.  a pit stop.  a little breathing space.  another fraction of time that would blur into the past like all of the others ( and now she KNOWS she’s just lying to herself... she won’t forget this place.  no matter how much distance she put between her and it... there are just some things you don’t forget.  can’t... no matter how much you might want to ).  changes track, switches from one topic to the next like the wind... as though she’d never said anything at all.

“i’ll trade for supplies.  i need a new water canteen - and some copper or electrical wire if there’s any going spare for a couple of projects i’m working on.”

[thedauntless]

tfhxzen​:

-*-

The last five years of constant hoping and praying she’d see Kallie again had all been for nothing. There was no happy ending here for them and as a result, Zen was rapidly approaching the conclusion she had been an utter fool for dedicating her life to the memory of their relationship, rather than the reality of it. This was nearly enough for her to start to question if they had ever been happy together, that she had imagined the whole fucking thing.

Any further attempt to reason with Kallie was going to be futile, a waste of time and energy. Any argument Zen may try to put forward to her would be discarded without any consideration so what was the point? Besides, Zen’s mind was too jumbled to form any kind of coherent sentences. All she had was a stream of consciousness that would no doubt contradict itself as she ran through all of the emotions she was experiencing in this moment. That would only give Kallie even more reason to reject her surely.

So Zen was going to have to rebuild her existence without the hope of Kallie in it. She didn’t want to do such a thing but it wasn’t like she was being given much a choice here. She thought of her room here at the hospital, the same room she went to great pains to decorate in the style of the apartment she used to share with Kallie. There were the handful of photos she had managed to save. A collection of old, scratched and broken vinyl records she had managed to salvage. A scarf of Kallie’s hung up to give the room a dash of colour. All of that would have to change now. Zen was going to have to redefine herself and who she was without Kallie, just as Kallie had already done without her. It wasn’t going to be easy.

She flinched at Kallie’s last words, unable to stop herself from reacting. The message that Kallie truly wanted nothing more of or from Zen was finally hitting home. Zen’s heart was shredded as a result and she didn’t have a clue how to put it back together again. At least there was the promise of Kallie not hanging around here for long. They wouldn’t have to share the hospital for more than a few days and with careful planning, Zen might even be able to minimise the chances of them running into one another.

Was this what Zen wanted? Hell no. Did she want to fight to keep Kallie in her life? Hell yes. But if Kallie wasn’t going to listen, there was no point. 

“Fine,” Zen said. Her voice was quiet and heavy with the heartbreak she was experiencing. Tears continued to roll down her cheeks and she made no effort to wipe them away. “Fine, whatever. Enjoy your stay.”

--++--

and there it is. it had taken mere minutes. and kallie, for her part, is not surprised in the slightest.  if anything it just reconfirms those things she has come to believe as the truth.  minutes - of mild discomfort and already those declarations of ‘never giving up’, and ‘love’ were suddenly and sharply - gone.  those promises of fighting for her, for them, was weaker than a breeze.  a paper house with whatever stories zen had used to fool these people, to maybe even fool herself, suddenly burning in the face of the truth.

and she sees - first hand - exactly the amount of effort that zen was prepared to put into those promises.  minutes.  -- it’s no different to last time. if it’s too hard or too uncomfortable or she just doesn’t want to - she gives up ( a g a i n ).  says one thing and then does exactly the opposite.  ‘fights’ only when there’s no effort involved.  no sacrifice on her behalf.  of course not... the only thing that ever gets sacrificed is kallie.            [  she can’t help those bitter thoughts.  that              toxic, caustic abrasion within which seemed to              compound everything she’d been led to believe              ( or led herself to believe ).  ] it just feels like she’s witnessing her abandonment first hand this time.  where she may not have seen the turn-tail leave her amongst the infected back then - she sure as hell can see it now.

                                   -- and it had taken... minutes.

and it’s punctuated with a final - blatant - lie.  ‘fine’.  -- nothing about this is fine.  kallie certainly doesn’t think it’s ‘fine’ and the look on zens face, those crocodile tears -- they call her a liar without kallie having to say a damn thing about it.  it’s another almost laughable moment.  as though somehow zen thinks she needs her permission or consent around any fucking decision she makes.  that she needs her to say ‘fine’ or ‘okay’ or ‘go ahead’.            [  was it just as easily ‘fine’ when she’d walked away last time?               when kallie was missing, presumed dead.  ‘oh, that’s  f i n e’.  ]

“sure, you keep telling yourself that.                                         -- why change the record?”

[thedauntless]

tfhxsujin​:

-*-

When the woman brought over the watering can, Su-Jin thanked her for it and took the can from her. She sprinkled water over the freshly toiled soil as the woman spoke about sunflowers. Su-Jin uttered a soft laugh and shook her head. “No lovely sunflowers but lovely squash instead,” Su-Jin told her as she made sure the soil had been watered enough to allow the new seed to grow. 

“But I have asked our scouts to keep an eye out for sunflower seeds for me. Or any flowers for that matter. But sunflowers are so beautiful, aren’t they? I thought it would be a good exercise for the kids to help me grow them.” Once she had finished watering the new seeds, Su-Jin put the watering can down and motioned over to the space she had been saving for the sunflowers. It was in a patch of the garden that always managed to catch the sun whenever it was out. “I thought they’d look good over there,” she said with a wistful smile as she imagined them thriving there under her care, brightening up the place immensely.

Already so far into a conversation and Su-Jin realised she hadn’t even introduced herself to the person she was talking to. Her mother, if she were still alive and here with them, would have given Su-Jin a telling off for her bad manners. She quickly rubbed the dirt off of her hand and offered it to the other woman to shake. “I’m Su-Jin by the way. You’re new around here, aren’t you? If you’re not, I’m so sorry for not realising you live here too sooner.”

--++--

there’s a glance at the offered hand. she’s shaken hands with many people over the last few years who had turned out not to have the same friendly intent they offered at face value.  perhaps she’d been too accepting of those offers to begin with... desperately in need of some kind of human contact.  longing for a camaraderie that never blossomed - or turned sour.  those survivors all too willing to take, take take...  the only thing they gave was a torrid deception.  and those scars borne from the aftermath, both mentally and physically... were a little too hard to dismiss entirely.

so there’s probably a - too long - pause before she finally accepts it.  only the briefest touch - overstretching to maintain some kind of distance between them.

“kallie.  and yes, i got in a couple of days ago.  had the comfort of a quarantine room for a bit and apparently now i’m free to roam.”

or as free as anyone really was behind those walls.   it’s a startling and slightly claustrophobic change.  exchanging the dangers beyond for a promise of relative safety.  a few nights not sleeping with one eye open, restless and wary.

“don’t worry about remembering my face though... i’m not planning on staying.“

a small study of the place that the flowers might grow.  she’s heard others talking before this.  in smaller camps.  in other places.  arguing the validity of beauty over practicality.  that there was no space for something as frivolous as a bloom when food was the utmost priority.

“in a world as gone to shit as this one - practicality trumps beauty.  people dismiss things and people they don’t think are inherently... useful.  pretty things don’t fill hungry bellies.”

“so - if anyone argues over their value - sunflower seeds are pretty good nutritionally too.  fat... protein... fibre.  they don’t spoil like fruit.  they don’t rot like meat.”

a small shrug, the wire around her headphones swaying from the anchor around her neck.  weighing up the decision of whether to speak up or not.  because she has some.  a handful here and there when she was hungry.  in the bottom of her pack, wrapped and kept dry, a small variety of grains and seeds.  it was always a risk - to show your hand.  a risk to have someone - take that very thing from you and leave you with nothing.

“i might have something -- if you’re interested in trading?”

[thedauntless]

tfhxsujin​:

Peace of Mind

@tfh-starters​

Su-Jin dug her hands into the grainy texture of the top soil, clearing out a small trench that would soon have new seeds planted into it. These seeds were from the last crop of squash she and the other farmers had managed to grow and Su-Jin enjoyed the process of replanting. She could have used the tools available to dig into the soil but she preferred to use her hands. There was a lot to be said, at least for Su-Jin, about the act of digging her hands into the soil, into the earth. It gave her some much-needed peace of mind. And when her mind started to get busy with too many thoughts like it always did, she could busy herself with the task of spacing out each of the seeds in the freshly dug soil.

Now that the new trench had been dug, Su-Jin grabbed the small tub in which the seeds had been kept. She hummed quietly as she carefully, methodically placed one seed after another in the trench, each equally spaced from the rest to give them plenty of space to grow. This was the closest Su-Jin was going to get to her happy place. Her true happy place was the ocean but they were a long way from that here in Bridgeport, Alabama. The Tennessee River was relatively close by but it was a poor substitute for the freedom of the ocean. Besides, it wasn’t safe to go out to the river, not unless Su-Jin had people accompany her and she didn’t want to risk other people’s lives just for her sake. Instead she found her comfort in the earth and with her plants.

Once each seed had been planted, Su-Jin tucked them in by replacing the soil she had dug out. She smoothed the soil with her hands, giving each spot above where the seeds had been planted a gentle pat of encouragement. She was nearly done; all that was left to do was to water the seeds. She glanced around her and realised she had left her watering can over on the other side of the garden. She looked over at the bench closest to where it was sitting and saw someone sat there. “Hey, excuse me?” Su-Jin called out to them. She figured she try her luck at making a cheeky request. If they denied her request, it wouldn’t be a big deal. Su-Jin didn’t fancy making the short trip over to the can, that was all. “Do you mind bringing that watering can over?” She asked, pointing over at the object in question.

--++--

headphones cupping her ears - kallie looked the epitome of a long forgotten ‘antisocial youth’.  or perhaps she might have, five years ago.  now, perhaps people may think she was careless to smother one of her senses when all survivors seemed to be on high alert.  but -- appearances can be deceptive.  while it may be true that there was a beat feeding her soul, the plastic headpiece had her own particular brand of tinkering - not so much sound cancelling, as sound amplifying.  and the words of the woman calling wash over the tune almost as starkly as if she’d been standing right beside her.

perhaps anything was worthy of distraction right now. and she had promised to make herself useful in order to trade for much needed supplies ( at least enough to see her elsewhere... anywhere but here... at least, that was still the plan for now ).  so she gives a quick nod - a sign that yep, she’s heard and - sure - it’s not a problem - setting aside a small box and a screwdriver before heading to pick up the requested item.

and she is careful.  picking her way between organised rows of raised dirt, obviously where the most recent planting had happened.  never particularly ‘green fingered’, she hadn’t even been able to keep a cactus alive back in the day ( in the apartment she’d shared with... her, the one she doesn’t think about, or mentally swerves when such thoughts try to intrude ).  so there’s plenty of respect shown for whatever it was being nurtured beneath that freshly disturbed dirt.

“here y’go.”

placing the watering can within arms reach.

“going to guess they aren’t sunflowers.”

it’s a random thought - another handy distraction.  a reminiscence that didn’t bring with it barbs of pain.  a place when innocence and happiness had been simple.  uncomplicated.

“i used to love seeing fields of those when i was a kid.  something about those huge yellow faces swaying on giant stems always made me smile.”

[thedauntless]

tfhxzen​:

-*-

Everything Kallie said was covered in poisonous barbs, each one intended to do as much damage as possible to Zen. And it was working with amazing effectiveness and accuracy. Not because everything Kallie was saying was true but because Kallie appeared to believe it all so vehemently. Zen hadn’t been aware that such cruelty existed inside of Kallie but she hadn’t seen what the last five years had done to her, how much they had twisted her to be so harsh and caused her to lash out like this. Maybe Zen did have to take credit of a part of this outcome, bit not all of it and not because Kallie said so without allowing Zen a chance to explain herself.

And yes, she had settled into this safe haven with the other people and their guns and their food and their company. But only because she thought she had to. She could’ve continued to try and survive alone, like she had done since she lost Kallie, but she was compelled to give back somehow. She could give back to what remained of humanity, engage with others, and prevent her loneliness from killing her. Because surely settling here at Crescent Hospital was better than dying alone. She had to live to see Kallie again, or that’s what she thought she had wanted.

“I am not a liar,” Zen spat back at Kallie. “When I have ever lied to you? Why would I start now?” It was no use. Yes, it was futile to try and change Kallie’s mind once it had been set but Zen had to at least try. She had to fight for this, for them. The anger inside of her grew along with her determination and it was getting difficult to hold it back from winning dominance over her senses. Getting irrationally angry would cause Zen to lose Kallie completely. Zen had to be smarter than her own anger.

“I didn’t give up on you because I thought you’d never give up on me. When I told you forever, I meant it. I still mean it. But you- You-” Another deep breath to steady herself and keep back the urge to lash back at her. “You’re here too, in this haven as you call it, with all the people and the guns. And you’re acting like I didn’t mean a damn thing to you.” 

She took a moment to wipe the tears away from her face and take another breath. “I wasn’t the one who gave up on us. You were. You’re the one acting like being jumped by infected and getting lost is the absolute end of us. If that’s the case, fine. But I’m not just going to accept it as the truth. I’m not letting your bitterness and venom sour what I still treasure about you.”

Gods, she was tempted to walk away right then and leave it at that. But no. That would only prove Kallie’s point after all and Zen could not do that. Instead she crossed her arms on her chest and rooted herself to the spot. If this truly was the end, it was up to Kallie to be the one to walk away.

“Whatever lies you’ve told yourself in order to survive are just that: lies. It’s up to you what you do with them.” A pause and a chance for her anger to get the better of her. “Whatever helps you sleep at night, baby.”

kallie had never ‘given up’.  she’d just learned to deal with the truth of that betrayal.   she’d learned to survive.  learned to exist.  then learned how to thrive. of course - it hadn’t been without incident.  five years wandering among different groups - all with varying ideas on how to treat a fresh faced newcomer.  one spectacularly glorious incident with a small sect of cannibals still stands out like a neon streak in her mind.  trials, tribulations, hardships.  and while she doesn’t doubt that she’s not the only one who had to fight - those hardships are hers to own.  not anyone elses - and certainly not zens.  she doesn’t owe her a window to a past that was survived without her - despite her.  she doesn’t owe her a goddamn thing.

she certainly doesn’t owe her a deep and meaningful monologue of all of those emotions that - had been.  she won’t pander to any kind of need zen has for emotional fucking validation.  

so while all of those words flood out - she offers zen the single thing she herself had feared the most. -- s i l e n c e. no more rebuttals - no more explanations - nothing.

and --      if there’d been a flicker of doubt - it’s not visible.       if she’s going to believe a single word - and she’s not feeling that      way inclined right now - then here and now isn’t the place to begin      that intricate dissection.      if she’s going to dismantle the last half decade of belief - then it isn’t going to happen in an instant - and certainly not when there’s a persistent push of a point she does not believe.  regardless of how many times zen tells her to think what she wants, she’s still talking, still beating and belabouring the same damn thing ( she tells kallie to think what she wants and then tells her not to?  oh, the irony ) and right now she doesn’t know what to believe... 

     [   try having your entire psychological construct shattered           and those ragged shards slammed in your face - then  have          someone demand you reconstruct it into the shape that they          want in less than ten fucking seconds.           NOT.  GOING.  TO.  HAPPEN.   ]

so she does the only thing she can in this moment.  what she’s been doing for the last five years.  she digs, deep, steels herself and latches on to something that isn’t about ‘them’.

“astute observation... i just walked in.  and as soon as i’ve traded up for supplies, i’ll be walking out again.”  

there’s a hike of brow - an unspoken question.  unaired, unvoiced, but it probably didn’t need to be.                                                         -- what’s your excuse?

“don’t worry - i won’t fracture your charade.  you can keep playing your cosy little games with the people here. couple of days.  week at the most - i’ll be out of your hair and you can pretend i was never here at all.”

and i might pity them if i could bring myself to fucking care.

“oh, i sleep like the dead.”

 -- which, is exactly how you left me.

[thedauntless]

tfhxzen​:

-*-

Zen was still in disbelief at how this reunion was playing out. It was going against all the various scenarios she had played out in her mind; it couldn’t get any further from the happiness Zen had tried to create in her own imagination. There was a pang of anger inside of Zen, trying to worm its way into her heart. It existed because of how badly this was going, because of how Kallie wasn’t playing along with Zen’s fantasies. But Zen didn’t want to be angry at Kallie. Obviously something had happened to Kallie over the last five years to make her feel this way. There had to be a reason for it.

You left me… Coward…

Zen gasped at those accusations. In her mind, those accusation were baseless, untrue but Kallie appeared to be utterly convinced. They had her second-guessing everything she had done since that moment when she had lost Kallie. But, as far as she was concerned, she hadn’t left Kallie and she wasn’t a coward.

She opened her mouth to defend herself but she was unable to form the necessary words. There was a tightness biding itself across her chest, making it difficult to get air into her lungs or for the air to expelled into words. Again, that pang of anger made itself known, demanding to be recognised as a valid response to all of this. How dare Kallie accuse her of these things? How dare she try to break Zen into pieces like this?

Five years ago, as they were trying to leave New York, they had been swarmed by a rabid crowd of the infected. The crowd had overwhelmed them, separated them. There were too many to count and nearly too many to escape from. Zen crawled her way out of the crowd but Kallie wasn’t by her side anymore. Zen ran but circled back in an attempt to find her love again. She screamed Kallie’s name over and over again until her throat gave out. She ran as more infected found her but she always tried to circle back in search for Kallie. But Kallie wasn’t there to be found.

Despite losing her, Zen never once lost hope that Kallie was still alive. Apparently Kallie had rejected any kind of similar hope for Zen and that stung. To Zen, Kallie had always been a source of light and love, even before the awful outbreak but especially after it. Now, before her eyes, Zen was watching that same light that had gotten her through some of the darkest time fade. No, fuck that. Zen wasn’t going to let that happen.

They had both survived. They should be celebrating that, not mourning it.

“So that’s it? You get to have your say and I don’t?” Zen took a breath to temper back that anger which was now growing and starting to eclipse her other emotions. Getting angry wasn’t going to solve a thing. Or maybe it might.

“I looked for you, I ran all over that city looking for you. I screamed your name and not once did you scream back.

“But that didn’t make me give up on you. Every single fucking day for the last five fucking years, I have hoped with all of my might that you’ll be OK, that you survived, that we’d find each other again.”

Tears dared to roll down her cheeks but Zen’s voice didn’t waver, no longer faltering with hesitation.

“Whatever narrative you created is false but I’m not going to fight with you about it. You’ve made up your mind and I know it’s a waste of time to argue with you once that’s happened. I didn’t leave you, I am not a coward, and I still love you with my whole fucking heart. Do with that what you will, Kallie.”

--++--

“say whatever you want.”

there’s just a roll of shoulders.  something fluidly lax.   right now it wouldn’t matter what words came out of zens mouth.  it would all be more lies.  probably the same lies she told herself to salve her corrupted soul.

“liar.”

the word isn’t so much spoken as hissed. because she is.  and she has to be.  because kallie can’t allow herself - not for one moment, to get sucked in again.  can’t let herself be swayed by tears or trembling lip.  can’t believe any of it.  she has to remain true to the conviction that she’d been cast aside, abandoned --           --( because if it was anything other than that, then those walls that rivalled jericho would surely falter and crumble - if she thought that there was even the faintest hint of truth, then perhaps her heart would break all over again - and if it did?   what would be left of her then?   only the remnants of dust she’d swallowed over the years, crying till her chest ached and there were no more tears left to fall.  she’d rebuilt herself on the solid foundations of anger and fury.  a fire in her belly to prove that she was no ones trash to simply be discarded.  and if she was wrong... then those brittle pieces wouldn’t withstand it.  there would simply be -- nothing.  )

“i was there.  you weren’t.  you left.  i didn’t.”

       [     did you pull the bodies apart?  did you sink fingers into              still-warm flesh and stare into their faces?  because i did.                did you hide beneath burned out vehicles, the scent of death               and oil filling your lungs, trembling in the cold half delirious -              hoping that it was just chance, an accident, that someone would              come back for you and say - i’m sorry, i’m sorry i lost you, i love               you and i would - n e v e r - leave you.  and following that, when               the thirst and hunger was too much to bear, unable to wait any              longer for fear of being to weak to move - the days and nights...               the months on end she spent walking alone through those ruins              - desperately trying to find her...   ]

that isn’t spoken of.  and as far as she’s concerned, it never will be.  the number of times she’d almost ended up food for the infected, taking the risk to call out into the darkness - a risk that she can’t believe zen had ever taken.  it would be a fruitless waste of time, a waste of breath --

why the fuck should she share her heartbreak with the one who engineered it in the first place?  

“sure - you never gave up on me. that’s why you’re not cosied up in a haven surrounded by guns and other people who will risk their lives to save your skin, hiding safe behind their walls.  not risking a goddamn thing yourself for that ‘love’ you so truly believe in...           ...oh, wait.”

it’s a story she probably told everyone else - a fallacy of persona, luring people in.  the brave girl who tried ‘oh so hard’ to find her ‘lost love’ - playing on the lie of a broken heart to garner sympathy - poor fragile thing that she is.  getting them to trust her, with sweet smiles and poisoned words.  ready at any moment to slip that proverbial ( or literal ) blade between their ribs, betraying them as soon as it served her some advantage.  there was only one priority in zens life - and that was zen.

“there’s no ‘narrative’.  no ‘story’.  no ‘fiction’.  the only one fooling themselves here is you.  so keep on telling yourself that...” 

            “...whatever helps you sleep at night.”

[thedauntless]

tfhxzen​:

-*-

Every single night for the last five years, Zen would picture this moment. This moment where, by some fucking glorious miracle, Kallie would walk back in her life. Everything without her was dull and everything Zen did without Kallie was a distraction from how much she missed her. Zen had held on tightly to the small shred of hope that Kallie was still alive for so long, with each passing day trying its best to diminish what she was so desperate for.

And now, Kallie was here. She was alive. Zen’s world was about to get a whole lot brighter again. 

Except… except… no, it wasn’t.

While Zen had always imagined their reunion to be a blissfully happy moment, the reality was the opposite. Zen had never seen such hostility in Kallie before but she recognised it for what it was. Zen’s stomach dropped and her heart stuttered in her chest. When her pulse returned, it made her head throb. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. There was supposed to be hugs, kisses, smiles, and iterations of their undying love.

“What?”

One word was all Zen could manage and even then she nearly choked on it. Just one syllable and it nearly got stuck in her throat. 

Her mind raced back in time to their last days together, looking for a clue as to why Kallie would be this way. Any sign of what Zen had done wrong. She was far from perfect but she didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Did she?

“Baby,” Zen tried again with the familiar term of endearment as she tried her best to remain calm on the surface. “Of- of course I remember you. How could I forget? What- what happened?” It was unusual for Zen to not speak with some level of confidence but this had her shook to her core. All the things she had been sure of she was now questioning. “Why aren’t you happy to see me?” Why wasn’t Kallie happy to see her like Zen was to see her? Why wasn’t this working out like she had dreamed for the last five fucking years?

--++--

funny.  back then she may well have labelled zen a betrayer.  a deceiver.  but she never thought she was delusional.

“NOT...”

a sharp repetition.  apparently once wasn’t clear enough.        [    hearing that word again - remembering late nights-early            mornings basking in sunsets and sunrises with the thrum            of music washing over them - it seemed like another life            completely.  a time when a whispered affection was enough            to send goosebumps across her skin, draw a smile from her            lips, laughing into stolen kisses...   ]

“...your baby.”

perhaps delusional and with a highly selective memory.   surely if she did remember who she was, she would know what she had done. she would remember leaving without her. she would remember not going back. she would remember those footsteps of forsakenness leading her ever further away.  every single one just driving the rusted nails of those lies deeper into the bloody ground below.

“why would i be happy to see you?”

there’s almost a scoff with the words.  she can only see the hurt and confusion on zens face as feeble and false.  another lie.  another attempt at deception.  probably something to soothe her own guilt.  or to play to the people in this camp and lead them to believe that she wouldn’t betray them in a heartbeat.  and kallie isn’t buying it for a fucking second.  crocodile tears at most.  

“you left.  you left me. you turned tail and ran like the coward you are.”

well - would you look at that.  perhaps she wasn’t quite as exhausted at being angry as she might have thought.  they were supposed to face everything -- t o g e t h e r.  and back then, if that had meant falling - risking everything for zen... even dying alongside her.  kallie would have done so.  

she’s not so naive or foolish anymore. she certainly won’t by laying down her life for anyone.           [ least of all the one who stole her heart and then left it to rot in the dust ]

and as quick as it arrived - that flash of anger dissipates, disappears behind a blank wall.

“really though - i should thank you.  if you hadn’t left me there alone - hadn’t sold me out to save your own skin, hadn’t left me for dead in the dirt -  i might never have learned just how strong i can be.”

“i don’t need you. i don’t want you.    and i haven’t for a very - very - long time.”

and no matter how those barbs in her chest might pain with the words - as she spoke them it was with the conviction of truth.  even if they weren’t true - what difference would it make?  lying to a liar? 

five years of abandonment - festering like a sore - spreading a sepsis through her core.  of feeling the ultimate betrayal.  there’s no cure for that kind of wound. there’s no salve for a fractured spirit, a broken heart, a tattered soul.

there’s only survival.  

[jvstjewels]

Basics:

Name: Kallie Essa Age: 30 Group Occupation: DJ/Electrician Face Claim: Zoe Kravitz

Bullet Points:

music is life.  something kallie truly believes and anyone who wants to scoff at the concept can go fuck themselves.  everything runs to a rhythm.  even those things with an offbeat can entrance, enrapture, enamour.  from the youngest age, she was singing along to the radio - tapping out instinctive beats on any surface.  only ever still when immersed in sound.

she graduated highschool - but college passed her by - already working gigs as a stage hand by the time she was sixteen.  every waking moment not working was spent on decks - a pulsing backdrop to everything she did.  

from there she became a full blown roadie - helping to set up decks - making her own adjustments here and there, getting involved in lightshow choreography along with developing music sets.  a big break came when a support act dropped out of one of the gigs she was working on and she took to the stage last minute… she never left it.

national gigs followed, even three summers headlining in ibiza.  it was during one of those summers - between hedonistic nights and lazy chillout sunrises that she met the woman she’d give her heart to.

returning to the US to a resident gig at one of the more exclusive clubs life became more settled.  less travel, more homely - but that wasn’t a problem because she was with zen - the slowvibe to her upbeat.  it was a perfect balance.  at least until the world turned into a nightmare.

she escaped new york by the skin of her teeth.  but those faltering steps had been taken alone.  during one incident with infected - both zen and kallie fighting for their very lives with a small group of survivors, she’d fallen beneath the weight of a downed infected… a heavy body crushing her - blood… fear… and then… silence.  the most terrifying thing of all.  convinced zen had fled and abandoned her - betrayed her in the single moment she needed her most, she crawled out of the mire… distraught.  destroyed.  

it’s been just under five years.  those broken pieces have been put back together with an unshakable determination.  it seemed as though survival was something she had a knack for after all.  years on decks, rigging, shows had left her with a knack for fixing up electrical gadgets - providing power to a dead world.  making use of those skills in return for protection.

the music returned - and if you stand too close, it might just explode your heart.

Personality:

before the outbreak, kallie had been easygoing, a fly with the vibe and optimistic outlook.  ready to laugh, a near constant smile pulling at her lips.  now though, her resolve has hardened.  she’s learned not to depend on anyone - fearful of risking another betrayal.  hardened to the reality of the new world.  she’s helpful and still easygoing for the most part - but there are doors that have been slammed shut and digging for anything deeper beyond that veiled facade is an exercise in futility. 

[thedauntless]

tfhxzen​:

Newcomer

– closed thread for @thedauntless​ –

There was always a buzz around the community whenever newcomers arrived. Most people didn’t get to see the newcomers until they had completed their mandatory quarantine which took a few days. Those few days allowed rumours to spread around where they may have come from, what they might’ve seen, and why they come here. Zen tried to not focus on the gossip but it was difficult to remain immune from it, especially when she was hoping that one day, by some miracle, Kallie was going to be one of those newcomers.

Zen tried not to think about the last time she saw Kallie. Instead she tried to focus on the good times they had shared. But the vision of losing Kallie in a crowd of walkers still haunted her to this day, a lingering feeling of guilt for having survived when Kallie might not have. Gods, she hoped with all of her might that Kallie was still out there somewhere. But this world was cruel, crueller than ever before and the chances of survival were limited.

Zen had managed to miss the whispers that the latest newcomer was coming out of quarantine that morning. So she wasn’t expecting to see a new face as she walked towards the classrooms. She especially wasn’t expecting to see a familiar face as she crossed the courtyard. But as soon as she saw the newcomer, she stopped in her tracks. She dropped the books she was carrying as tears welled in her eyes. it was like she was seeing a ghost and she couldn’t believe what, or more accurately who, she was seeing right now.

“Kallie?” She whispered the name, as if saying it any louder might shatter the illusion. “Baby, is that you? Is it really you?”

there should be some kind of emotion. at least that’s how it works in the movies, right?

a slow-mo run with a musical build up to the couples big reunion.  a sudden long awaited embrace.  probably tears.  kissing each other with a hunger unsated.

but this isn’t the movies. and there is no emotion. oh, there had been.               it had started with fear.  afraid that she’d find the              body of zen twisted and broken in the dirt as she made              her way alone through the terrifying remnants of the city,              scratching through the smouldering ruins and staring at              the face of every corpse she passed.  fear had been              tainted with anger.  and then overtaken by it.  all of those              whispered nighttime promises - the ‘together forever’ -              words that meant nothing as soon as it came down to it.               abandoning her - not even risking the chance to save her.                 no return to find her.  nothing.  anger had turned to hatred.               the betrayal almost too bitter to swallow.  

there had been tears.  there had been screams.  there had been nights when her body wouldn’t stop shaking.  threatening to tear her apart - those emotions pulling in too many directions.  but that was then.  this is now.  almost five years since they’d tried to escape new york.  

five years ago - she might have needed saving.  not now. five years ago - she might have cried and pulled her into open arms.  not now. five years ago - she might even have screamed in fierce rage.  not now.

she’s - weary.  tired.  exhausted.  of wasting her time and energy on those emotions.  she’s spent enough time on rage.  enough time on hurt.  enough time on -- h e r.  five years.  and now there’s just... nothing.  the place in her heart that was aching, hollow, broken, has been buried too deeply to let all of that emotion bubble up.  and even if there had been the slenderest chance that it might - it’s too strongly controlled to shatter with a simple glance.

there’s a slow roll of shoulders and she reaches up - removing the earbuds that had been in place ( music playing but not loud enough to drown out any external sounds ).  because yes, she has power.  batteries.  juice.  and when zen had left her in silence - the music had been all she had left.  then she stands, a sinuous flex to her petite form now - not soft - fluidity with purpose.  closing the distance with a few  slow strides.

“so you do remember me.  i’m surprised.”

if she’d cared about the coolness to her tone, that time was long past.  there’s no raised voice.  no harshness to those words.  not even an accusation.  just a simple statement of truth.

“i’m not your baby.  i’m not your anything.”

[perkamentus]

Zoë Kravitz for i-D Magazine.