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I just want a fresh start. Some how, i feel that I have lost that spark or drive to put in my best effort for someone new. I still feel exhausted from my previous relationship. Sometimes, i feel sorry for her. I think that she genuinely deserves more. I need to get better and make it up to her.

Why, why couldn’t you have done something like this for me. She bought me vitamin C tablets because she knew I was going to study and not go out or that I was too lazy to even eat fruits. She cooked for me, came all the way down and brought me food and made sure that I had a nutritious and healthy diet throughout difficult times. She cared and considered my needs. She just did it because she felt that I needed it, because she cared and not because she wanted affirmation for it, not because she felt like it was a checklist of things to accomplish. She genuinely did it because she cared. It broke my heart. it’s not about the cooking or the vitamins. I really didn’t expect that from you. I just wanted you to genuinely care for me and not do things just because you saw instagram post and thought that it’s cool to do so. it breaks me because I finally receive what I wanted out of a relationship but I can’t be in this one because of circumstance, because of how she left her boyfriend for me and I am unwilling to reciprocate as much as I appreciate her being around. It breaks me because even recently, unknowingly, you just showed me signs of being so self-centred. it broke me again.

Whilst revising for Finals,

I felt so unmotivated. I could not concentrate.

But i remembered that I’m not studying to just pass my finals to obtain that degree and title. I’m studying for my patients. I want to be the best dentist. I do not just want to be a mediocre one, I want to be one that cares about my patient, one that is competent. I want to heal my patients, I want them to get better. I need to know my stuff.

Reading through my letters to you broke my heart again.

What's the point of compensating for it now. I don't know if I should feel good for being compassionate or feel terrible for leading you on.

I have promised myself that I never want to feel that way ever again. I’m sorry

Dear Shorts,

to be honest, I’m very certain that I do not want this relationship anymore and I have been trying to get out of it for quite some time. It finally happened and although there are times when I was sad, on some level, it was always clear to me that it was the right decision to make.

When you replied me the other day saying how you did not come clean about your past, it got me reflecting again. I’ve always thoguht to myself that I actually don’t have a clear picture of your past. I had always thought that what you told me was rather in-coherent but I never really thought that I should have pressed the whole story out of you. I don’t know, does it really matter now? probably not.

When you messaged me on FB messenger earlier with that photo of me holding onto the bouquet of icecream, I was trying to remember how I felt back then. I didn’t feel happy. It prompted me to look through your instagram again and go through photos of us together and of myself. I felt sad scrolling through the pages because many of the pictures when we were together were of yourself. Few were of us or of myself. I felt sad because looking through the remainding of our last few pictures, I did not see any where I felt genuinely happy.

What I felt though, was still consistent with how I felt during our relationship together back then. It always felt that I was neglected and I could only get to you when I begged or did what you want because I was a chore to you. I felt that I was only able to be around when you wanted. When you were bored of me, I was just a burden that you had to deal with. Be honest, was this ever the case? I keep things to myself, I’m not stupid you know. Remember how when you were with your cousins at MBS and you were all excited and just threw your luggage with me to drag around and then you forgot about me and just left me standing there lost? Remember when we were at ONE-Utama in KL the first time I went up to KL with you to meet your cousins and you just ran off with them as well and left me chasing after all 4 of you when I didn’t know anyone except for you? Or when you went with your Best Friend to the fortune teller and left me there. I said I was very scared and uncomfortable but I had to wait there alone for 2 hours just because you were kaypoh but gave the excuse that your Friend said it was okay for you to be there. You didn’t have to be in there, you just wanted to be in there because you were curious. These were times when I knew that that was not the relationship that I wanted, I didn’t want to be in a relationship were I would be neglected and just be cast aside conveniently. Why can’t you be less self centered. I tried justifying to myself that things will change and get better but it didn’t. I was left at the bus station looking at you boarding the bus too engrossed with your french fries from macdonalds to turn back and say goodbye to me when it would be the last time we met up before I flew back London. these separate events chipped away at my heart.

I felt that fundamentally, our relationship would have failed later on even if we were still together now. Your idea of how a family should be is different from mine. To you, family although important does not guide your decisions. Your decisions are based on what you feel at that present moment. You then rationalise your feelings into “rational decisions” which is often dangerous as you pride yourself as a baby taurus and want to be as stubborn as possible making it really deadly. You always try to solve problems on your own and then want your partner to conform to whatever decision you have made for the “partnership”. I didn’t really have a say in the relationship when obstacles arose. I just let you have your way and it was partly my fault for not fighting back. I don’t know, on hindsight, it was probably good that I didn’t because it may have porolonged the dysfunctional relationship.

Throughout the relationship, I had always felt that you did not really love me, but rather, love the idea of having someone like me whom you could tell others that I was yours. I had always wanted to shout back “ I need love too. I always give and you always just take. When is it my turn to feel loved.” I felt really tired and superficial. Shorts. I want a relationship. I want to love and be loved. Maybe this is not for us. It is just a point in life that shows us what we want in our partner, what we can accept and what we can’t and that we were not meant to truly be together from the start but were meant for something more. I hope I find someone one day and you do too. I hope that this break up has lifted the stress off your chest. You may feel sad that you have lost something but you are no longer stressed and are actually feeling much better than when we were together right?

What am I really holding on for?

I don’t want to be treated this way. Being chided upon for “nagging” at you when you are stressed. I was just trying to cheer you up and trying to make you see the bright side of things and be grateful for what you have.

It just makes me feel like you take me for granted. It’s not about me helping you to settle stuff and you treating me like this. It’s that you can treat me however you like without any consideration of how I feel because almost always, I let you get away with it because I just do not want you to be sad so I just tolerate and put on a smiling front. I feel fucking miserable inside. I don’t feel angry. I just feel sad for myself and ask myself time and time again, why the fuck do I put up with this? Is this how love is supposed to be? Because I love you so I consider it from your perspective and protect your feelings? Why? WHY WHY!!!;ladsuvp. I guess you can argue that on a much deeper level, I’m loving myself because by seeing you sad, I’ll get upset as well and thus I am protecting myself really. It’s a lose-lose situation for myself.

I’m afraid of what the future might bring. Will this be my life from now on? I observe how you treat your mother when she is showing you concern. You just tell her off when you just don’;t feel like listening to anything. I was going to ask if my life will be like that in the future but I realised that it’s a really silly question as I am pretty sure it will be. The question that I should be asking myself is if I want a life like that.

What am I really holding on for?

I HATE MY RELATIONSHIP! UEHDHEYE7DH4H38D9N4H8 72UEBF

Why? Why must I always be the one that fights for this relationship?

I had always thought that flowers were a huge waste of money and space. But after seeing how happy @lynne__d was after receiving them for the first time, it dawned on me that what I bought, was happiness on a huge discount. #lelong #ldr happy valentine's day shorts. (at Burgundy Crescent)

One of the few days I feel happy because you felt such joy.

#ldr #lelong

OGs baby! Camped out overnight for these. #rockemdontstockem #NMDs

#rockemdontstockem #nmds

4 legged monster #stansmiths (at National Library Singapore)

#stansmiths

Even now, I feel so happy doting on you.

what’s happiness if you can’t share it with anyone? These days, whenever something good happens, I don’t feel happy. Then I realise that it’s because I can’t share it with you anymore. I hope that in an alternative universe, we are still together.

If only you knew 😢. I'm glad that you are able to chase your dreams and me, my ambition. I don't know if it has been easy for you but it seems like you are handling things well and a part of me is happy for you if you do.

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