a coda of sorts for 15.18 Despair. MAJOR HUGE SPOILERS for the episode so please proceed with caution if you haven’t watched yet (has anyone not watched yet??)
angst with a hopeful ending.
Here’s what doesn’t happen:
Cas smiles and laughs through his tears and says, “You changed me, Dean.”
There’s a beat of uncertainty but through it, Dean steps forward. He walks towards Cas. This is an angel of the Lord who followed him from Hell, who came when he called and betrayed his trust and earned it back. An angel who gave up an army, a Host, his Grace, the favor of his brothers and sisters, all for Dean. So Dean steps forward and hesitantly puts a hand to Cas’s waist. “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” he asks.
“Because it is.” Cas voice shakes and shatters and he leans into Dean’s touch. He presses one hand, palm bloody, to Dean’s shoulder and cups it there. “I love you,” he says, and it’s sure and strong. They’re called love confessions but this feels more like an absolution, like a benediction.
Dean can feel the press of Cas’s hand as he tries to push him away, out of the way, because there’s a teeming wall of void that’s opened behind them but Dean holds his ground.
They meet in the middle, Dean holding Cas at his waist and the collar of his trench coat and kissing him like he needs it to breath. He can feel the shudder-shock of Cas’s breath in the kiss, shaky inhale to clipped exhale. There are tears on Cas’s cheeks pressing into his own and Dean, stupidly, thinks, I’ve never seen him cry. He’s seen Cas’s blue eyes go glassy and red, but he doesn’t think he’s ever seen them spill over.
One of his hands moves to cradle the back of Cas’s head, fingers in that fucking hair of his and when Cas breaks the kiss, Dean holds him there, keeps him close. Their noses bump, foreheads brush, and Dean doesn’t know if he’s crying or if it’s just Cas’s tears on his face. “Don’t do this, Cas,” he says and it’s begging. I’m not one for praying because in my books it’s the same as begging. “Please. Castiel.”
Before he knows what’s happening, cold air rushes to fill the space that was once Cas. Dean sees just the edges of the Empty’s tendrils, black and shimmering and all-consuming. He turns on the balls of his feet just in time to watch the rift against the wall close up.
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