Blocked my girlfriend for this, but I've got to talk about Eddie Diaz's possible coming out arch, and realizing he's gay, and how it's heavily relating to my experience understanding myself. I think, like me, he knows he's gay, it isn't some big secret or something he's ashamed of knowing. However... the not saying it, not solidifying it to others in the way he needs to, has all to do with the fears that a man has when it comes to being gay. Specifically a man who was raised in the church, I myself was raised as a girl in the church so it's different but at the same time it's like I'm looking into a mirror and it's reflecting a life I would have had to experience had I been born male and not intersex-female. The Shannon arch comes to mind, starting a family with your best friend, marrying her, because she feels safe, you know deep down if anyone is worth repressing yourself for, it's her. Everytime Eddie is seen to date, it's to replace Shannon for Christopher, it's (as he's said himself) a performance. Being with Buck doesn't panic him, the way it did when he was with Ana, which I relate to with my own girlfriend, talking about marriage or starting a family with her panics me, not because I don't want one, but because I can't imagine it's with a girl (/femme/nonbinary). Finding myself imagining dancing it the kitchen with someone I love, I always imagine a man, and I think for Eddie it's the same. Eddie is terrified of being treated like any less of the man he is, taught that he had to be the "man of the house", to not be soft or weak, my step dad drilled that into me for years after I came out as transmasc. I think Eddie's first time being intimate with a man, Buck or not, he's going to break down. When I was first intimate with a friend of mine, I was belittled by my family into feeling like I wasn't man enough to make that decision, that I was just a helpless little girl being taken advantage of, that to continue that form of intimacy I would need to preform the false idea of womanhood for him, or carry his child. That me having one specific boundary with him meant that I was in love with him in a way a girl would be. I've been knowing I was a gay man, before I even knew I was a boy, it's ingrained into every fiber of my being, into my soul, and yet I'm not allowed to be. I think that's what Eddie will say, he'll say he can't be gay, because he isn't allowed to be. He knows he is, knows how deeply in love with Buck he is, but he's not allowed to want that, not allowed to love a man without becoming less of one. The fear that your family would be angry, they liked the girls you were with, or the girl you're currently dating, that you should settle for her because this girl is incredible, despite that you could never love her. Eddie and I are so much alike when it comes to the man we want, someone who we can be soft with, and who can be soft with us, one that would take care of the ones we love, specifically the kid in our lives (Eddie's son Christopher, my little sister). Eddie and I want the rugged masculinity that matches our own, a man that continues to treat us like a man no matter what position we are in. I know I'm talking in parallels, but that's the point, his Gay Arch has lead me into finally accepting my own, even telling someone I love, someone who is a safe person to me, about that struggle. Eddie's Gay Arch, when he finally kisses Buck, if that happens, I'll take that as a sign to finally choose my own happiness.
turnnoffyourmind
2087
romaincrisis
andulkaphoto
snowghoul
tangentwithtanner
