After my Cinderella story in Mexico, it took me a few days to get my feet back on the ground. I was in a daze and on an emotional high. People were congratulating me and I felt like my brain was celebrating for a good week. I was not as locked in on my practices as I normally would be. It was a little intriguing and a tad bit frustrating because one would expect to be playing on point after a great week. Day after day, the play was a little sloppy. The mind was a little tired and the body was not performing with as much zap as usual.
It did cross my mind that perhaps I did not give myself enough time off before resuming training, but I pushed that idea to the side real quick, because I knew I had a big trip coming up. I just remained patient and reminded myself that I could not form unhelpful expectations that things should come easier just because I am recently successful. What a great lesson to learn though, to not get too high when you're up. At around day 6 of being back at home, I finally settled back down and was mentally back ready to resume the grind. There is no doubt that I am hungry for more challenges. In hindsight, the week of aloofness was really humbling. It was a reminder that much work still has to be done and there is so much more improving and refining necessary. Following up my week of regrouping and celebrating with a week of quality practice and training, I now have my eyes set on the next trip to China. I have never been there, so it is exciting to do something new and refreshing. This will be the farthest I have ever ventured for my tennis. There was a lot of planning and arranging that went into this trip which amps up the pressure on me. Having said that though, I do not think there is a better time to make a bold move than after winning a title. I am excited to go the distance!
There is a bunch to think about in this past week. As soon as I got home, people were congratulating me on my recent victory. Friends asked me about how many points I got, others wanted to know where my ranking would be after this event, some even wanted to know how much cash I brought home. The points, ranking, and prize money are all important, but not the most valuable thing to happen to me this week.
Sure I earned 25 points which will move me around 40 spots up from my current ranking. And I made $ 2082 bucks after tax, but that will go to my traveling expense for my next trip. All these things will disappear and become irrelevant at one point, but what I know I can take with me for the rest of my life are the intangible things.
I will remember how I barely escaped the last 3 matches of the tournament. Fighting off match points and coming back from behind to win are always very special moments. True strength is shown when you can remain hopeful and positive when things do not look great.
I will remember how the crowd pulled for me. I felt like they really appreciated the heart and soul I put into each battle. What a great feeling to know you are not the only one that can feel the passion in a performance. I am just glad I gave them a good show and something to cheer for. It warmed my heart to hear the cheers during the matches and the applause after victory. Although I was not from there, I felt like their champion.
I will remember the feeling of complete satisfaction after winning a long battle. Through the struggle and drama in each match, winning that last point means everything.
I will remember the accomplishment of being able to deliver for the many people who have high hopes for me. There were so many individuals invested there and back at home to make me victorious. I was thrilled that all their efforts were for a good cause.
All in all, I will remember that adversity prevails only if you allow it to. There was a huge culture shock upon arrival, large score deficits I had to overcome, physical and stomach issues that I had to endure, and a few crucial practice mishaps that could have diminished my performance. Nevertheless, I did my best to just focus on being a warrior. It is incredibly vindicating to come out ahead despite the fact that there were many things preventing you from succeeding.
I am sitting in my friend’s cabana thinking about the past 24 hours and how crazy everything has been. First off the doubles final was nuts. Again I am so relieved about pulling through finally. Everything that happened after that was even more unbelievable. Here’s how the rest of the tournament went for me.
After the trophy ceremony, pictures, and autographs with the tournament, you can only imagine where my head was. I felt like a star. I was enjoying all the attention until a ball kid came up to me and said, “Please win tomorrow.” Tomorrow. I almost forgot I still had a singles match the following day…a very important one. Snapping back to reality, I then started to get my things together to attempt to escape all the commotion and the crowds. It was an ordeal though. I never want to turn down an autograph or picture, because I remember how it felt when I was a young kid and my favorite stars did not want to give me the time of day.
Finally making it back to housing at around 11 PM, I went about my business and started to prepare for my singles match. I wanted to get some good food in and a good night sleep, but unfortunately my stomach kept me up all night as I made hourly visits to the restroom. Maybe it was the food or perhaps the stress/exhaustion of the tournament. Whatever it was, it put a dent in my recovery and led me to wake up nauseous and weak the next morning.
Despite my poor physical state, I was mentally engaged and excited to play in my first final. When I showed up to the tennis courts looking for the supposed warm up/practice partner that was set up for me, he was no where to be found. Scrambling last minute to find anyone to hit with me was a little stressful, but I did my best not to sweat the small stuff. After finally warming up, I was relieved to sit and rest a bit in the locker room. All the preparation had been finished and we can finally cut to the chase and play.
Entering the stadium had a very special vibe. It was not huge, but it was intimate and you can tell people were tennis fans. In the middle of taking it all in, I still had to stay focused and remember I had a match to win.
My opponent came out at me strong and I got down a set real quick. Again I was struggling physically to get my legs under me and tossing the ball up in the sky was tough because looking up made me dizzy. Nevertheless I took it in stride and tried to look for every positive edge I could find. Normally I do not listen to the crowd, but I needed them that day. I could hear them rooting for me as they put me on their shoulders to fight back. Sneaking away with the second set was a huge accomplishment. I was glad I gave the audience something to watch and cheer for.
Feeling the fatigue settle in again, I fell behind 1-4 in the third set. Still in good spirits, I kept listening to the crowd as they helped me to convince my legs to run just a bit faster. Climbing all the way back to 5-4, I got a bit tight and let that closing game slip away. 5-5. As I toweled off I looked back into the stands and saw sections of the crowd fist pumping at me.
VENGA VENGA! VAMOS! Si se puede! Legs up! You can do it!
I told myself, “if my opponent can get nervous for 4 games, I am allowed one sloppy one.” Taking the match to 6-5, I was back in command. Although I may not have been ready to close it at 5-4, I was ready at 6-5. “Uno mas. You can do it.” When I arrived at match point, I heard the cheers again, took a deep breathe and asked God to push me across the finish line. Once my opponent’s backhand sailed long, I leaned back, two arms in the air and closed my eyes for a second of bliss. I had done it.
From then on the craziness began again. As I walked up to the net, I pointed one finger to the sky to thank God for choosing me. After shaking my opponent and the umpire’s hand, I looked at the crowd and they were standing, clapping, and cheering. Some were even jumping and screaming. I could not believe what I was seeing. It really touched me that the town appreciated how much I put in to that battle. Not too long after, reporters, photographers, fans, and my cheering squad surrounded me. Gosh, I felt so loved.
Days like these really show you that if you stick around long enough and keep hustling good things happen to you. What a special way to capture my first singles title. I will never forget it.
I did not have much time to think about this 3.5 hour semifinal match. It was not too long after it that I had to get ready for my doubles final the same day. Since then, my mind has been too amped about taking the doubles title that I did not get to enjoy this win as much as I deserved to.
Now that I have had some time to look back, I am still shaking my head and wondering how I ran away with the win. I was playing a world class player (the number one seed). I got down a set and was already feeling physically fatigued. During the set break I took a visit to the restroom, and tried to think of a clever plan to execute the second set. Nothing too obvious came to mind, so I just told myself that perhaps I needed to be bolder and take more chances coming to net. It was a unique decision on my part, because normally I would just let my opponents come to me.
Surprisingly the subtle change in pace and game style on my part threw my steady opponent off her game and I stretched the match to a third set. Being the great player that she is, my opponent made adjustments of her own and got out ahead again in the match. I struggled to keep up, but I remained within striking distance. At 4-5 15-40 (her match point) in the remaining set, my heart sunk thinking this was the end. Walking up to serve I told myself that if I was to go down, I was going to go down playing the game that brought me back in the match. That mentality somehow kept me in the match a tiny bit longer as I fought back to sneak away with that game. 5-5.
Emotionally exhausted from fighting back in that game, the next game went quickly as I got down 5-6. During that changeover, I convinced myself to give every ounce of me left. Sometimes players take their foot off the gas pedal in tough times in fear of being heart broken. The more you invest and the more you want something, the tougher it is when you don’t get it. Something inside of me became fearless of that disappointment. There was quite an audience on our court, and I just wanted to give a good show. I wanted to give them something to cheer for. When thought of that way, any extra heart and effort I expended became really enjoyable. It is kind of amazing to think of how I found a way to enjoy the pressure during the highest tension part of the match.
Stretching the match into a tiebreaker, I was a tired dog but ready for battle. Playing long points and covering every inch of the court, I found myself down 4-6 (two match points for her). To save the first match point, I stroked a bold forehand that clipped the line. “Whew that was a close one.” 5-6. This next point, my opponent hits a perfect approach and runs to the net. Barely getting to the ball, I thought in my head “this is the end.” She was in such good position and I was not. Somehow though my shot tapped the net and dribbled over. She was right there but the ball died and it was barely out of her reach. 6-6.
I do not remember the next point, because I was too busy catching my breathe from the last one. All I remember is that it gave me the first lead of the match and my first match point. 7-6. A couple shots later, her ball sails long and I raise my hands in the air and couldn’t believe it. I had just lost a similar match in the previous tournament where I had 5 match points and couldn’t convert, so I could not even comprehend how the tables had turned but in my favor. My opponent this day had at least 6 match points, each of which I got lucky or produced a shot out of supernatural courage.
Shaking her hand sealed the deal and I went straight to my chair. I looked up at the sky out of disbelief that destiny chose me and that life was ready to give me my first singles final of my career. No one deserved to lose that match and I felt so blessed to have run away with it. It is days like these that show every battle is worth pursuing no matter how bad things look.
I have learned to take pride in my doubles more and more. The fact that I have lost the last 3 finals I have been kills me a bit inside. A final is always great, but a true competitor always believes if one has come this far, you might as well go all the way. Entering this doubles final was nerve wrecking, because I don’t know if I could stand losing again.
Being down a set and a match point had me thinking I was headed for 4 in a row. Somehow, someway my partner and I stretched the match into a third set breaker. As my partner and I sat on the changeover right before starting the 10 point breaker, I could not help but think back to how the last three finals have been lost in a close but dramatic fashion. Although I wanted to remain hopeful and positive, something inside of me was saying, “I know how this movie ends.”
Thankfully enough though, my partner has such a positive spirit about her that her energy overshadowed my biggest fear. We stretched to a big lead and I saw the finish line getting closer and closer.
“Keep focused. Don’t mess it up now. Stay on top of the ball.”
My hands were sweating and my heart was racing as we approached match point. The moment our opponent’s shot sailed out, I shot my hands in the air and looked at my partner who did the same. We were both grinning from ear to ear. The “curse” was broken. I can finally breathe now knowing that I am more than a one title wonder. What a special way to end a long day.
No matter how much you play, the first round in any tournament is quite stressful. No one wants to lose let alone go home without winning a match. Just imagining all that goes into getting to the tournament can make one a little uneasy. Sometimes before a match, I think about all that I have done just to chase a tennis ball and ask myself, “this is all worth it right?” The money, the practice, the sacrifices you make to be there, the stress in making traveling arrangements, and especially the inconvenience you put others through…it all adds up. (In my brain at least).
Although I love just playing the sport of tennis, I still want to have something to show for it. I have put too much time and effort into it that I will not accept it to just be an enjoyable profession. It has to be fruitful. Opening up my phone to report and explain my loss to the people back home kills me. Imagine what returning home without a victory does to the human ego. It sucks.
I have a bunch of supporters from different places that send me good vibes. It warms my heart that every one of them genuinely cares and I truly feel the sincerity. This is why I want to make their support worthwhile. No one wants to pull for a loser, so I make it my life’s mission to be a winner.
Having said all that, I cannot stress enough how large the first round monkey is and how great a relief it is to get it off your back. Now that it is over and done with in this city, I suppose it is time to slowly clean things up. One can only hope to get sharper as the event goes on.
Some people poke their chest out when they call themselves a professional tennis player. It gets me all the time, because I feel like that title is thrown around too often without people knowing what it really means. As time goes on and the sport advances and grows, that term grows in definition. It’s hard to say you can sum it up in a few words.
There is a broad spectrum when it comes to what kind of professional tennis player one is. Anyone can sign up on and become a “pro” so whether you’re a pro or not carries no weight in my opinion. You got to be good to matter. Then there are a ton of “good” players, so the better question is: are you legit? If you are legit, how deep are you? Your commitment level defines your professionalism. Is tennis a serious hobby or a lifestyle for you?
When someone says, “She’s a professional tennis player” or introduces me as, “This is ___. She’s pro,” I become uneasy, because that term doesn’t do what I do justice. Not to mention, most people would not be able to appreciate the difference between where I and others stand. I wish I had enough energy to depict all the mindfulness that goes into my lifestyle. I wish there was an easier way for me to communicate how badly I want to make it, and how much succeeding in this sport means to me.
All the careful planning, extra efforts, and endless thinking wears me out at times. The extra little things I do to get an edge adds up after a while. And as obsessed as I am, I sometimes ask myself, why go the extra mile and why over deliver. Time and time again, I have to revisit my gut, touch my heart, and remind myself why I even bother. Simple, just because I want to and because I can.
The success that I have had in doubles since I joined the circuit has been more than I would have ever expected. When I became a professional tennis player, the vision was to focus on my singles and see where I stood in relation to the rest of the world. I never anticipated on doing well in doubles, much less having a higher doubles ranking than I do in singles. Unfortunately success quickly turns marvel into pressure. One begins to form expectations and desires to do better and be better. At the start of my career, making it into the doubles draw and maybe winning a round was satisfactory for me. Now anything short of a final is quite a disappointment.
It is kind of a curse to have. Now that everyone including myself expects great doubles results, questions get fired when a rough tournament happens here and there. Since doubles is more of a team sport, the common topic people poke at is who’s fault is it or who is the stronger player. Trying to diffuse those questions frustrates me, because there is no real way to answer it.
I normally hear girls talk harmlessly about their partners. It’s not usually anything too heated or animated, but a listener can sense a subtle blame here and there. As for me, I see it a little differently.
Doubles is like dancing. It takes two hands to clap. Maybe my partner did not play her best or maybe she did not make a crucial shot, but without her I cannot do what I do and vise versa. It is human nature to remember the bad moments, so although I may remember a key mistake by my partner I got to realize that there are 10 other shots she executed perfectly. Plus I got to take into account that I make my share of mistakes. Yes, there are times when I carry the weight, but my partner has to drag me along at times as well.
Winning teams are not built on the perfection of a pair but the ability of a duo to pick each other up when one half is struggling. You can’t do that though if your mind is too eager to blame your other half. I will never be sure whether my previous partners have treated me with that kind of respect when I am not looking, but who cares. I just know I will never be the one to sink a team with a poor attitude.
With subtle blames and pointed fingers, some struggling doubles teams seem to think that changing partners is the answer. There is some truth to that, because chemistry has a lot to do with how great a team can be. But I have seen so many good teams split up because they have had a bad patch. It is bogus.
Just because the magic is not happening right now does not mean it is gone. More often than not, the answer lies within more than it does elsewhere. You got to search within to find that magic again. To me there is a higher chance of something clicking in a place where it use to click than in the unknown area where you are not sure anything will click at all.
Doubles is different from singles in many ways, but the mentality to improve should still be the same. Just because I lost a tough singles match does not mean I give up on the way I play. I simply go back to the drawing board and get better at what I do. Same in doubles, just because my partner and I have a bad loss here or there, doesn’t mean I give up on her or on us. If we were any good to begin with, there is a part of me that really believes in how we do things.
Sure it is somewhat of a gamble to invest heavily on a partner, but if you believe in him/her, it’s a worthy bet. Too many people try to find the easy way out by pointing the finger, instead of looking in the mirror and going to the root of the problem. If “easy” is the mentality, the greatest partner in the world will not do anyone any good. Patience and persistence is required, just like in anything else worth achieving. You got to stay the course.
When I leave home, I typically leave for a few weeks at a time to play a series of consecutive tournaments. Usually other girls do the same and choose a selected few that are back to back, so when you travel to a series of events you typically see the same people for a few weeks straight. With that information, you can imagine how being on the tour has given me the chance to get to know a lot of the players. Even though we are competitors, at the end of the day we somehow operate like family, because you cannot just go for 3-4 weeks straight without speaking, smiling, or acknowledging each other. (At least for me it is impossible).
On this post I wanted to share one of my competitor’s stories. Excelling at sports with love and support from home is already tough in itself, but my friend here has double trouble both on the court and back at home. The conviction she has in following her dreams despite the grief she receives is admirable. Hearing her story makes me realize how lucky I am to have cheerleaders back at home supporting me in my endeavors.
With a photographic memory, school work has always come easy to me. Straight A’s were the norm ever since I could remember, and my family had high academic hopes for me at a young age. My father in particular always imagined me being a doctor. To make my parents proud, I geared my studies towards that. Graduating from the honors program at Arizona State University with a Pre Med Biology degree, I did everything necessary to set myself up to go to medical school.
There is one thing standing in the way though, my dreams and ambitions to be a professional tennis player. My parents sadly do not share my same sentiments about the sport I fell in love with. Ever since I graduated college, I have been pursuing the professional tennis circuit. To discourage me from continuing with my tennis, my parents refuse to help me out financially so I have been supporting myself.
The finances are a burden, but not as much as the emotional drainage I endure. I am a tough girl, but I will not deny that it is tough to call home and hear the people that are suppose to love me unconditionally tell me to give it up. Every chance they get, there is always a mention that I am not a good enough tennis player to be investing my time the way I am now. They are pressing for me to move on to the next thing, but nevertheless, I still press on.
“Mom & Dad, I love you, and I promise I will be a doctor one day. Just maybe not yet. I have the rest of my life to help other people, but now it is time to do this for me.”
As a professional athlete, scheduling your days and events are incredibly important. There is an art behind it, because it requires an athlete to know himself/herself. Things like giving the body enough rest where it is not robbing an athlete of efficiency and maximization is tricky. Does my body need time to regroup this week, or should I be competing and giving myself a chance to win? Am I ready to win or am I still recovering and working out a few kinks? Obviously if you do not play you do not know, but that is the problem. YOU HAVE TO KNOW.
Over the past few weeks, I have been messing around with my upcoming schedule, and cannot seem to pin down how I want to do the next couple months. One day I feel like I have settled and chosen my best options, but the next day I wake up and there is a new variable in the picture or a different opportunity. Often times I wish I could just seek advice from a crystal ball so that I can leave my mind at peace, but unfortunately that is not how this works.
There is a lot of soul searching believe it or not when you are at this part of the professional level. When I say “this part of the professional level” I mean that I am relatively inexperienced and don’t have access to guidance with enough experience to help me make my decisions. That is the trouble of starting off at the bottom. There are so many odds stacked against you and even more when you are out there doing it alone.
I am my own player, coach, and manager 90% of the time. Of course I have great people back at home helping me out. My parents offer me moral support and help me out financially on my trips. My coaches on the other hand continue to aid me with the direction of my game. BUT having said all that, I schedule all my practices, training session, and gym visits. Although I run my travel plans by my parents, I essentially decide when I want to leave and book the flights on my own. And although my coaches are a great help when I am home, I am not at the point where I can afford to bring them with me on the road. So when I am gone, I am my own eyes and my own coach.
There are many players like myself trying to break through on their own. It is not that it is impossible, it’s just that it’s tough to wear so many hats when being just a tennis player is tough already. I just cannot help but think how much easier things would be if all the little things are taken care of for me, and all I needed to do was take care of my body and show up to the court or gym with 150%. Life would be even more perfect than it is.
I am not complaining, just wondering. Still in love with my lifestyle.
I enjoy sifting through my brain and debating on how my ideas are relevant to the world. Drawing connections between thoughts and realizations has become a reoccurring habit of mine since I became an avid writer. I suppose the art of using words to depict the meaning of life is a challenge I love to indulge in.
What can I say, I am a thinker. Although I am thinking anywhere and everywhere throughout the day, there are a few spots places where I find brilliance.
At Breakfast
The mornings are when my mind is the clearest. Usually I am the first to rise, so the dining table is free of chatter and clutter when I sit down with some cereal and yogurt. As I eat, I try to get myself excited about the day. Regardless of whether I should have something to look forward to or not, I find a way to twist positivity in to my to do list. The caffeine in the green tea helps me get in a great mood as well.
The Gym
Exercise pumps the adrenaline and endorphins into me. There is something about completing a workout that gets me in an accomplished and energetic mood. Needless to say the gym inspires me to constantly enhance my quality of life. I walk out of LA Fitness with a little extra pep in my step, feeling like I can conquer the world.
In the Car
Living in LA, I am stuck in traffic quite often. Rolling at 5 miles per hour on the 10 freeway can get boring, so I can’t help but let my mind wander elsewhere. How else am I suppose to keep myself occupied? There are only so many songs I can play and sing to, but my mind can ponder great lengths. Plus most of the time I am in my car all alone. It’s just me, the road, and my thoughts.
On the Plane
Being in a plane is like being in a car, except with even less distractions. I do not have to pay attention to the road, there is no internet, no cell reception, and I cannot go anywhere but my seat and the restroom. In a way, I am trapped, and forced to just think, think, and think. I can just stare at the seat in front of me and let my mind wander. Sometimes I’ll listen to some music and songs can get me super nostalgic about everything I have been through. That’s always a great place to start some deep reflection.
This is one of the most common questions that come up when I stay in tournament housing. Usually I have the best experiences with families who open up their home to me, but there was one incident where my doubles partner (DP) and I could not help but deem it a bad one. It is actually a blessing that we experienced it together, because it was so ridiculous that it has become a hysterical and fun story for us to tell to people we meet.
Today we were asked that question once again so here is how we recount this story:
At around 8 PM we arrived on a warm night in Florida. Our housing lady picked us up from the airport and greeted us warmly with hugs. I thought to myself, “What a sweet lady.” I am already liking her already. That was probably as good as it was going to get though.
When we arrived at her house, she opened the door to the supposed room we both were to stay in. At first glance, I was not sure what to think, because it looked more like a large closet to me. Barely 2 twin bed mattresses and a small bookshelf could fit in that room. DP and I looked at each other and laughed. The two of us were pretty neat and good friends so we weren’t going to make a fuss about it. No sweat.
“I can deal for a week.”
The next morning, our housing lady offered to make us breakfast and really pushed the waffles that she had made the previous day. Usually the two of us are real easy to feed, but after having that breakfast with her, we could not bring ourselves to do it again. I remember soaking the waffles in an enormous puddle of syrup, because they were too tough and hard to eat. Day after day she kept pushing to serve us those waffles, but we respectfully declined and just said there was food at the tennis courts waiting for us. Bullets dodged.
As the week went on, our housing lady progressively started to weird us out. She managed to tell us how much she enjoyed smoking pot and skinny dipping. She also requested for us to leave earlier than we already were in the morning, because she needed “alone time.” We had already been leaving at 9 AM each morning and returning after 6 PM since we did not find hanging out in our closet too entertaining. So having said that, we were not sure with how much more alone time she needed when in fact she was alone all day in the house. Nevertheless, we respected her wishes and started to leave at 8:30 AM. Fine.
Midway through the week, I had noticed a few bites on my legs. Being in Florida, I just assumed that they were just mosquito bites, but DP seemed to think that the bumps on my legs were too small to be mosquito bites. One night as I walked to the kitchen to grab some water, our housing lady frantically jogged to the kitchen, looked in the medicine cabinet, and said “the cat has flees.” My eyes got real big and my mouth dropped. Great.
Towards the end of the week, DP and I no noticed that there were no more waffles resting on the kitchen counter. “She must have eaten them all!” Before we could feel a little relieved that we did not have to turn breakfast down again, DP yells “COME HERE,” as she was fishing through the freezer for some ice cream. I ran out to see what was the matter and she points to the back of the freezer and we see a gallon ziplock filled with more waffles. “She’ll never stop offering us cardboard will she?” Damn.
Since we were both already looking through the freezer, we decided to look through the fridge as well. As we opened the butter section, I saw some green vegetables in a plastic bag and decided to move it into the vegetable drawer. When I picked it up though, I realized it was not vegetables but completely molded cheese. After looking through her whole fridge, we threw out all the spoiled items and concluded that more than half the items in there were expired. Gross.
That same night, DP and I were lying in our beds that were an inch from each other talking. I told her, “You know this can be worse.” She laughed, “Seriously? How?” … “You can be here alone.” We both laughed so hard we started crying, until the bookshelf caught our eye. The spine of the books read Erotic Collection. Curious and bored we opened them to see what was inside. Turns out it was a collection of cartoonish pornographic art. Nasty.
To wrap it all up, on the last day of our stay, our housing lady dropped us off at the airport and told us that she probably won’t house players again the following year, because it was not as enjoyable as she anticipated it on being. DP and I were not too sure what to think of that comment, because we are usually great house guests. All families love us and (no joke) want to adopt us by the time we leave. This particular week, we actually went above and beyond to accommodate our housing lady and appear non existent in her home, because quite frankly, she freaked us out. Despite our efforts to be invisible, “She legit just told us she did not like us in her home.” Nice.
“No worries, you will never have to see us again.”
At least her fridge is cleaner than when we arrived. That we know for sure.
Individual sports create a unique type of resilience. There is no hiding for anyone in one on one battles. You lay your ego on the line without the ability to point fingers at anyone.
Passing the ball is not an option. Team work is not applicable. Help is unavailable. It is just you. As lonely as that sounds, it is unassumingly beautiful, because the best don't find weakness in loneliness, they find strength.
That independence and solidity bring out a sense of self assurance people find hard to develop now a days. Standing alone can in fact be invigorating. When one does not wait or depend on other, self care becomes an embraced responsibility. The strong individuals just understand that under life's toughest circumstances, the only person you can really depend on is yourself.
Solo acts are the ultimate testament of how strong the human heart can be. Any athlete will agree to the fact that they fail more than they succeed. Individual sport athletes feel failure and success with the most potency. Without anyone else to share the blame, one person endures all the disappointment.
"You show up to war alone and you live or die…alone."
Everything you visualize and imagine about your sport is you being alone. Losing in your head has the image of you sulking alone. Winning in your mind is you celebrating alone. Practice and training is you working your ass off…alone. Avid supporters and loved ones do their best to make use feel like we never are alone, but that is besides the point. Regardless of the amount of support we have, there is still a great amount of loneness to be felt.
That loneness is magnified when things go poorly. When the bad happens, these athletes feel more alone than ever. This is when miraculous happens though. It is during the lowest moments, where athletes find new strength to press on. The willingness to continue alone marks true character. Despite the amount of emotional toll, these lone gladiators continue to stand for another fight. Attempt after attempt, game after game, match after match, race after race the heart gets beaten up time and time again. At some point it begins to hurt more than the body, but nevertheless, it comes back looking for more. Searching for a chance at victory, but prepared to be broken down yet again.
We have all had those times where we feel like we cannot catch a break. Perhaps we did not get the promotion we were working so hard for, lost a job, have our dreams crushed, grew ill, or maybe worse, lost a close friend or family member.
Whatever it may be, we all know life can really get us down. Getting sucked into all the bad can have us going down this downward spiral that makes life seem unenjoyable and maybe even pointless.
Despite the natural ability for the human soul to feel betrayed and wounded, it also is equipped with resilience. It is up to all individuals to stand back up in their lowest moments.
After losing a job, you may think that you are not good enough at what you do. Don’t let that consume you. Because chances are you are very good, and there is a need somewhere in the world of your talents.
When you have a dream ended, do not let that stop you from dreaming another dream. Keep shooting for the stars, but maybe a different star.
Becoming ill is a hole that is tough to dig out of, because as you struggle to find strength physically your mental strength becomes weary. It takes a lot to maintain a deep faith when there is a plague, but what else can you do?
One of the worst feelings in the world is losing a special person in our lives. The people around us are what make life so special. When those sources of happiness and memories leave us, we feel alone and stripped of something irreplaceable. Other than saying that these souls are off to a better place, there is no obvious positive way to twist death for the ones left behind. It is irreversible. The only thing we hold on to are the moments and memories, but even that stings a bit when the wound is fresh. Despite being stripped of the best people in your life, know that time heals all things.
You may feel like you have lost everything, but if you are still breathing, you are still alive. THAT has to count for something. Make it count for something. No matter how unlikely it may seem, you do stand a chance at making the next moment better. Whatever adversities you are facing, know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark or long it may currently seem. Things will get better if you survive long enough for them to be better.
Make your existence count for something. Walk around like you are highly favored in life. Better moments are just around the corner. Act like you are still blessed, because quite frankly, you are. Wake up and have a desire just to be somebody. And always remember excellence is rewarded, not mediocrity.
One of the common topics that come up when people ask about the type of life I lead is relationships.
“Do you have time for a boyfriend?” “Are you seeing anyone back at home?”
My answer, “No.” Then of course I have to go on explaining why having a significant other is unideal under my circumstances.
It is not that I do not want a boyfriend. Of course as a typical girl, I always think it is nice to have someone to think about. Someone that can help you escape the responsibilities of your career. Someone that can get your mind off of stressful things when you are tired. But the reality is, my lifestyle has the likelihood to create problems in a relationship than infuse positivity energy.
For starters, I am gone half of the year. If I had someone, I would barely get to see them. Who wants an almost nonexistent girlfriend? It’s not fair to both of us, and even more so to the person who gets left behind at home.
Secondly, because I am gone half the time, I need to somehow make up for my absence. That entails finding time to call, text, and Skype on the road. That may not sound that bad to those of you reading, but I already manage to forget to call my parents. Some trips my mom will call me and say she has not heard from me for two days and I honestly could not be any more oblivious that two days have passed and I have not checked in with her. After a long day of practice, socializing with housing, and get to and from the tennis courts sometimes the last thing I want to do is have an conversation I feel obligated to have.
Thirdly, when I am on the road, my mind needs to be on the road. I cannot perform my best, when my mind is wondering when I will see Him next and counting down the days until I am back home. I have to want to be right here, right now. Having someone waiting for me back at home can make me want to be here less. Some of these cities I have to travel to would not be the first on my to-go list, so I do not need another reason to dislike where I currently am.
Fourthly, even when I am home, I already find it hard to have enough energy to catch up with my friends whom I have not seen in months. After all the training, driving around, and practice it is tough to have anything left for anybody at the end of the day.
Of course you see the high profile athletes make relationships work somehow, but I am convinced it is because they have the funds to bring their significant other along with them wherever they go. As for me, my paycheck at these challenger events barely cover my own travel expenses. Bringing a coach once in a while is already a stretch, so I am currently in no position to bring along someone else. A boyfriend at this point in my life is a luxury. I love tennis a little too much to make room for anything else at the moment.
The past few days of practice got me thinking about what is it I am shooting for this clay season. All the preparation, persistent asking, and arranging just to get practice has me mentally beat by the end of the day. It would be easy to just settle for mediocrity given the struggle I am having to get things in line. After all, clay is not my best surface, and no one really expects me to do well on it.
A part of me has thought about easing up on my efforts to set up the ideal practices. Maybe I should just grab the convenient hits with the available people, nearby, and on a hard court since those are guarantees. I will not have to keep bothering so and so about using his club’s clay court. I will not have to play phone tag with the front desk at a facility about what available times there are for me to come by. I will not have to wait last minute for better practice partners to commit to me (since they seem to more or less label me a last resort.) Lastly, I will not have to inconvenience my coach with last minute schedule changes. Settling for second best just seems like a less stressful option. Convenience is getting real tempting given the lack of response and cooperation I am experiencing.
As I sat at the dining table this morning talking to my mother about my next weeks plans, I started to banter about my daily ordeals.
All the phone calls, emails, text messages, driving, and last minute schedule changes I have made in the past 2 weeks just to get on a clay court has probably been more tiring than the tennis itself. Put me on a tennis court and work me to death – great, I will return day after day. Send me to the gym and physically demolish me – do not worry, I will be back tomorrow. BUT things like making me sit in 1.5 hours of traffic, reaching out to 5 different clubs before I can get one response, and arranging last minute practice because someone cancelled makes me spent without hitting one ball or completing one rep.
GRIT is the thing stopping me from settling though. Settling can become a bad habit. If you always settle, you will never soar. I made an internal promise that if I was going to pursue this dream, I had to be committed. That means doing every thing to the best to my ability. When you are practicing, whatever it is, it is not good enough. Your job is to make it better. Sometimes you cannot help it when there are no obvious ways to tweak your preparation. At that point, you just work and grind. This case is quite straight forward though. If you are not comfortable on a surface, then you need to practice on it. The obvious makes me feel extra obligated to go the extra 5 miles, despite how big a pain it has been for me to make it happen. Whether it will make a difference or not I do not know for sure, but the committed part of me has to believe it will be worth it.
During my off season, I was thinking really hard on what to do to make this year better. I kept talking about changes I needed to make in the way I prepared and in the way I saw things. Thoughts of moving and finding different training grounds crossed my mind. There was definitely a lot of clutter, so I needed to ask the opinions of those who have seen me grow in the past few years.
Midway through my break, I sat down with my college coach to ask him his thoughts. He told me that changing scenery was not necessary given the fact that home is comfortable, my personal coach is here, and that there were plenty of people to practice with where I am. There were many professional players around locally, a few soon to be college graduates around that are going to play the circuit, AND a handful of other professional players moving into town. That part of the conversation got me excited, because a variety in sparring partners is extremely beneficial for practice.
So instead of making drastic changes, I decided to just stay where I am and wait for all these people to come to me. My mistake was that I thought they would all be as excited as I was to have each other within a close vicinity. Turns out it is three months into the year, and I am struggling to find practice outside of my old teammates. At this point in the year, timing and scheduling is tough for the girls in college since the season is kicking into full gear. I just figured with all the other practice options I am suppose to have, the busyness of the college season would be less of a problem.
Surprisingly, nothing has changed despite the fact that there are more professional players in town. I could not understand why practice was so tough to schedule until my college coach brought it to my attention that the other professional players in town had been asking him to practice or to set up practice for them with my old teammates. Apparently they had time to ask my coaches if they can set up practice for them, but did not have time to follow up/confirm my hit with them tomorrow.
As I started to put two and two together, I told myself, “So they are dodging me, but why?” I am better practice and more flexible with times than the girls on the tennis team. Why am I not the first person they are asking to hit? Simple, they are ok with getting beat by a man or beating the girls on the tennis team easily, but the possibility of a toe to toe scrap with me scares them. Although no girl will ever admit it, there is some superiority complex involved here. Perhaps I am good enough to provide them with a dead even practice, but my ranking does not say so. So I am as good as them but not good enough or bad enough for them to practice with.
Trying to wrap my head around this is tough, but I understand. I just do not agree, and here is why:
I have conditioned my mind to be ready to play whoever, whenever, and wherever with no expectations on how hard or easy it should be to beat them. With every battle, the goal is the same. It is not about my opponent, it is about me solving the puzzle.
This elitist mindset a lot of these girls have going on baffles me. I get it, but I do not get it at the same time. It is all good though. They will do them, and I will do me in my own corner. At some point they will have to face me in a real match. When they do, I will be as ready as I can be, because I was ready every day leading up to it. There is not a moment when I am afraid of competing, so you can bet I will not be holding anything back, especially on the day it really counts.
