I discovered this clip of Eartha Kitt being a mood a couple years back but it I haven't applied to my life until a few weeks ago.
I have not spent time by myself, as in being single and not sexually involved, since I was 18. Literally. I'm 26 now, that's 8 years of sharing myself with men who I realize today didn't deserve me. I can't think of one who was actually worth my time, even my kids father's.
I jumped from relationship to relationship and gained nothing but the bad vibes, bacteria and energies that they carried. People as delicate as myself simply can't be involved with as many people as I have sexually and socially. I can't handle the different personalities that tend to rub off on me and when I look back at it, it sometimes leaves me in a state of panic and remorse.
I've prayed.... Hard. And with that prayer i came to the decision that I want to be by myself almost indefinitely or until I find someone who can cater to my needs.... outside of the bedroom.
For years I have compromised my crown in exchange for abuse, physically, mentallly emotionally, verbally, and financially. Being torn down, considered less valuable, laughed at for my goals, dreams and visions, mistaken for dumb, and at one point I played the dumb role to see if I could a different reaction but the outcome always ended up the same, I finally get fed up and walk away with yet another nobody added to the roster.
Every ounce of my energy has been drained and my sexual desire is gone. These days I prefer to be alone.
I've managed to get my phone to the point where it doesn't ring, my messenger is slowly becoming inactive except for business and if you're desperate enough to try and reach me by email you're most likely going to wound up in the spam box.
This generation of men are different young and old. They take so much from you with nothing to give in return. The words friendship and dating are unfamiliar to them. They lack substance and consistency but expect the privelages of a King. 😂 It's funny to me now.
Ungrateful and spoiled by air-headed women. The game is truly fucked up, excuse my language, and I, a new found Queen, refuse to give myself to another who won't do the same for me that I would for him. I'm tired but in a good way.
This time to myself has been rejuvenating, refreshing and cleansing... self loving. I can think clearly which sometimes isn't always good but it feels good to hear those thoughts, good and bad. AND after getting into my Bible, God confirmed to me that this is the better path to walk. It's pleasing to Him.
Celibacy is a harsh word but I'm willing to make the commitment if that means regaining my decency, reconfirming that I am worth it and reassuring that I deserve to be loved the way that God loves me, the way my children and my family love me, which is unconditionally. No terms, no conditions, and definitely bargaining.
I must say that this journey has been the most fulfilling yet and I'm excited to experience the outcome.
I dare you guys to try it with me.
