In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness house I choose to tell my story. My truth of why compromising is never ok when it comes to dating, why you should not move too fast in a relationship and why you must choose yourself over yourself, choose to live.
I don’t really know what to say because I guess you can say I allowed it to get this far.
In September of 2018 I met a man, not intentionally. I just asked him for a lighter and things took off from there. He wanted to be a bad person so bad, but I always saw the good in him like I see everybody. I tried to love him, I tried to be there for him, I tried to show him something different in not just a woman, but just a person period and he took advantage of it.
Things happened so fast, I pregnant after the first month and a half of us talking. Wound up moving in with him and things just went down hill from there. The first time he hit me I was in bed trying to go to sleep, still pregnant, and it was extremely late, I had to work in the morning. He got drunk off a 5th of E N’ J and after a conversation with his friends he swore up and down I was using him because I didn’t want to have sex that night.
Next thing I know as I’m laying in bed trying to sleep I feel a hard hand going across my face and blood filling my mouth right after. I should’ve left then but I tried to stick it out. I thought God had placed me in his life for a reason. I thought I would be the one to change him. A couple weeks later my 25th birthday arrived and I spent it with him, then it went on into Thanksgiving. I should’ve been in Chicago with my family but I spent it in Springfield with him because I had to work the next day. A week later after another hand went across my face and I was told to leave. I wound up in a homeless shelter… Still pregnant.
I chose abortion because I knew that I wasn’t fit to bring another baby in the world, let alone with a man like him. So I went through it, and I tell you it was the worst 3 minutes of pain I have ever experienced in my life and I never want to experience again. The kind of pain that takes your breath away and all you can feel is forced tension in your uterus as the tears just roll down your face. The type of pain where you think you won’t make it through, and I told myself I would never do it again.
I went back to him after Christmas and it got worse and worse everytime I went back. I got slapped up so many times I can’t even count. Sometimes my wounds would heal before he went upside my head again, sometimes they didn’t. I’ve lost hundreds of dollars in clothes, spent hundreds of dollars on phones, even more money on alcohol to cope with the reality that I was living with bum, insecure, piece of shit ass man. But the last straw was one night when he got really drunk after arguing with his child’s mother for not allowing her children to call him twice a week and I see why. He’s a hazard to himself and everybody around him.
That was the first time I ever thought I would not make it back to Chicago to see my children. Everytime I think about it I can still feel his hands gripping around my neck, the burning sensation of him ringing me by my neck, the sweat dripping down my face from not being able to breathe or speak, but most importantly the look in his eye. I was looking the devil right in his face. Death himself and so I left. Refusing to go back to that shelter, I stayed with a friend until I could get back to Chicago, and when I returned back I got the phone call that I had a 3 bedroom house waiting for me.
So lonely and depressed, trying to pick myself back up after being pushed all the way down to the ground, the first few weeks I didn’t even go home. And instead of filling my house with love, joy and God, I allowed the devil not only back into my life but into my house.
Promising he wouldn’t do it again I let him back in and we were cool at first. He was my bestfriend for a few weeks, but then I started praying more and God starting showing me that I was on a slow path to hell. That I would kill myself if I didn’t get away from him and I kept ignoring Him because I was lonely. The fighting went on all summer. One incident occurred where I wound up in jail for defending myself. That’s when it really dawned on me that this man was nothing and he had nothing and he wanted me to be nothing without him.
I could go into detail about the busted head, busted lips, numbness in feelings but I will let the pictures speak for themselves.
This is what hate looks like. This is not love, this is what happens when you get fed up. This is what happens when the police don’t take your side because you’ve called them so many times for your abusers abuse. This is what happens when you give in and let unhappiness back into your life constantly. This is what happens when you don’t choose you.
I left my house for 4 days because the police would not make him leave after choke slamming me head first into the hard ground of my dining room floor. Pregnant again, they did not care. They told me I should not have let him back in. So I left until I could get an OP to have him removed from my house. And everytime I came back to see if he was still there and he was, I left again.
When I returned home with my OP this is what I came home to. My house was destroyed. Everything to the covers on my vents was gone. He threw away all my food all my clothes were damaged, kicked in my front door. From the kitchen to the bathroom, Everything was destroyed and once he knew he could not come back, he even tried to break in my house with the help of his friend because he knew he was nothing and had nothing without me. But he also knew that he couldn’t hurt me anymore.
After getting fed up with SPD’S bullshit of them not protecting me from him, I left with a garbage bag full of ruined clothes on the first thing smoking to a location where I could find peace and love. Somewhere I could think, and that place is called home. Sometimes home isn’t where you receive mail or where you pay bills. Home is where you feel loved and welcomed. Worry free, and I was embraced with nothing short of it when I got off the train. I told myself that I would never have another abortion but I did because I refused to make a child suffer the pain of not knowing it’s father and I wanted to rid him out of my life for good.
Is he still harassing me? Of course, only by email in the spam folder because he has no other form of direct contact with me. He’s hurting and miserable without me. Do I feel bad? Fuck no. Do I hate him? Not at all, I thank him for strengthening me mentally. For showing me my worth because before him I didn’t know it, that’s how I ended up with a big blob of nothing like him. I wish him the best actually. He taught me how to love my enemies and let God have the final say so. Karma always has my side when I run into people who intentionally try to hurt me, but I’m sharing this for those of you who are going through it. Get out now while you can.
He could’ve killed me if he wanted to, and eventually he would have. He just preferred to torture me before actually doing it. He knew I was better than him so he tried to make me feel less than him. He knew he could not tear me down mentally so he tried to do it physically and here I am today a walking testimony that you can make it through it too.
Don’t lose yourself and everything that belongs to you for a temporary feeling of love. Love yourself, grow by yourself, learn to be by yourself. When he’s Godsent he won’t put you through what I had to go through to learn that it was time for me to do some self loving.
Domestic violence is real ladies, don’t become an example of what happens when you don’t choose yourself.
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