The Experiment 2k17

Because I'm not like others.

[theexperiment2k17]

The two kind of moods you feel simultaneously.

Thoughtful, yet like a weight is on you.

I managed almost an entire week without any alcohol at all, what I’ve felt is increased anxiety, mood swings and fatigue.

Although I did started to take a medication called Campral ( acamprosate) which  is supposed to decrease the crave for alcohol, and sure enough I haven’t had a craving all week, but I feel like it was also because of that I got tired of drinking, not so tasty, mash.

But after I started taking it I started feeling more and more side effects. The insomnia has been purulent, the mood swings increased, feeling more depressed and what has worried me most of all was/is that I’ve got extremely thirsty but a lot of problems getting rid of that fluid the normal way (which is an early indicator of renal problems).

I’ve spent all day on alcohol and prescription drugs, never got the high I really wanted but that is mostly because I am anxious about mixing benzodiazepines with alcohol so I’ve taken it all in shifts so that I can control it better.

what’s interesting is what’s going to happen during the following days and week since I have no more benzo and no more alcohol. And I have resoled that I won’t buy any more alcohol whatsoever.

So the following week will probably be a withdrawal week from the both. I have some ideas how to make it interesting but without drugs

My absolute hate is the insomnia (I’ll seek emergency if needed), but I am usually able to conquer the anxiety and sudden mood swings after a while since I know the underlying cause of it. But that is no guarantee that it will work every time.

I sign out for today now.

Goodnight no one. (and to you who accidentally stumbled upon this post/blog)

[theexperiment2k17]

Isn’t the reason why we ask questions to try find an answer and knowledge?

Don’t dismiss a question because you think that it’s that person’s responsibility to look it up themselves. Give them your answer and educate them, if we all educate each other there would be much less of misunderstandings and prejudice.

But never forget critical thinking! Is that answer really legit? You cannot only use one source for all your information. Look everywhere, question everything and remember that seeking knowledge is a part of our lives that will never subside unless you ignore what YOU don’t think is right or believe.

[theexperiment2k17]

I know I haven’t written anything for a few days but hey, that’s life.

What’s been up? A party, a day of almost complete isolation except for watching a few episodes of Shameless with S, and Sunday, yesterday was also almost complete isolation but I cleaned the room a tad. I got into a fight with a saucer that I had left on the stove and accidentally fell asleep so when I woke up the entire room was foggy and it smelled. The noodles were still intact but now instead charcoal black, as was the saucer. I spent hours trying to clean it but nope, so fck it. It was IKEA shit anyway and I have more so I decided to lay the struggle to rest.

On a better note; I’ve continued with the same short yoga session and realized today how much more flexible I’ve already gotten when it comes to grabbing my own feet with straight legs. When I started I could just hold on to the tip of the shoe with the tips of my fingers (see what I did there?). And today I could grab hold of the heel on my shoes. So that continues.

What I want/should/could do is to start drawing again, but I never seem to be in the mood, so instead I started brushing up my Spanish.

[theexperiment2k17]

I don’t know why but everything feels like shit for (some) basically no reason. I just feel fatigued and empty.

I did avert from buying something that I shouldn’t yesterday at least, but with this little money in my pocket I can only sense a tiny bit of pride for not doing it.

Instead I’ve locked myself in my room all day and almost done nothing at all except sorting through some papers and while doing so got further away from a gun barrel to my head but closer to the “less harmful gun barrel”.

It’s constantly going up and down like a roller coaster, which I’ve been told that I’m like my entire life. And right now it feels like I’m at one of the low points and I’m not sure if the carrier is slowly moving upwards or if there has been a malfunction and I’m stuck down here.

But I’m going to try and keep track of what’s going on so that maybe I can look back and more easily see what the fck I’m doing wrong.

[theexperiment2k17]

Day 3

Well it kind of followed the same pattern as the previous 2 days. What I can say that’s positive is that I haven’t bought any alcohol and I have no intent to neither. And I have slept incredibly bad, missed calling about my support and well, I just feel typical me, empty with a small space reserved for self-contempt.

I even did a workout yesterday and I can feel it in my shoulders today. So as I said, baby steps, I still have most of the year left, or at least 346 days.

[theexperiment2k17]

I’ve lost my general appetite completely right now.

[theexperiment2k17]

Day 1 & 2

So neither yesterday or today went so well, at least I haven’t bought any alcohol or any other forms of drugs. But today I got a refill for 10 days of a bensodiazepine. And instead of buying proper wine I am “stealing” of my 20+ liters of sugar mash which can get you really buzzed.

Nowadays I’m mostly drinking to settle my mind and be able to get more out of cannabis. And it’s exactly this sort of behavior I have to kick.

I met with my contact up at the Rehab Department. She mostly seems condescending and give off a vibe of “what the fck are you really doing here?”. Because I have missed my few last appointments with her. But right now I don’t seem to get much out of it.

Last night I mailed about being interested in a project for people on benefits, sick leave, etc. They are going to put up a theater show, starting in February. I got an answer the same night and now have an appointment on Monday to meet some bloke to learn more about it and see if I qualify, because if there’s something I wish I could do for the rest of my life, it’s theater.

So I’m approaching my “Experiment 2k17″ with baby steps, but I won’t give up on it. Yet.

[theexperiment2k17]

Intro

I’m doubtful that many, if any, will find their way to this blog, but anyhow I’m doing this for me.

I started this to try and keep a diary of myself trying to clean my act up and get decent.

What do I mean by that? Well, I’m an addict and alcoholic and I do not want to be neither. I suffer from depression and anxiety and used to self-harm before, but which has as good as completely stopped, it actually kind of stopped when I started drinking but switching one bad thing for another is not the way to go.

So now, starting today I am going to try and sober up, I won’t stop drinking alcohol completely but I will only drink under certain circumstances, e.g. having a beer or a glass of wine with a meal (not alone) and also with the objective of just tasting the alcohol, like a small whisky. But my everyday drinking is wearing me out and my mind is hoping that everything for me will just improve. But I am not daft enough to realize that that won’t happen unless I do something. So this is an attempt to do something.