The #Farce

A farcical look at the AFL and any other sport.

[thefarceblog]

Farewell

It's been 5 years of on and off again blogs, polls, memes and of course shitbags.

The time has come to move on from The Farce and close it down, at least partially as I move parts of it across to other assets.

The good news is that #SOTW will stick around, it's far too much fun to abandon completely and will look to launch that for 2015 once the AFL season proper is back up and running at the end of March.

Thanks for the support over the journey.

BT

[thefarceblog]

"I AM NOT AN ANIMAL" - Cameron Pedersen

[thefarceblog]

Eddie sets out to prove everyone wrong [sponsored post]

Hurt by comments from chairman Andrew Pridham likening him to politician Clive Palmer, Eddie has decided to turn public opinion.

"I'm a decent man, to liken me to an overweight, suit wearing, crimson faced loudmouth is ridiculous and it's downright offensive" stated McGuire from his mansion carved entirely out of ivory.

Eddie comes across as a man of the people, when I arrived at his mansion he was just getting off a call with Oxfam, where he was donating thousands of Josh Fraser badges to the needy.

He had his servant who looks familiar to me but only went by the name of Goodesy fetch us a couple of drinks.

Farce: "Eddie, it feels to me like you get involved with things just to get your name and Collingwood in the media, is this fair?"

At this point I was escorted from the premises.

[thefarceblog]

Church Of Sash open for business

  There's a new church in Melbourne which promises to preach from the good book.

The foundations of the church are unclear but there is construction underway for a new house of worship that has been payrolled by James Hird's Gemba Group.

"Our aim is for people to see the light, we've found there are far too many unrealistic people in Melbourne and we want to show them right from wrong." said Pastor Dank.

Reverend Little was pleased at the turnout for their launch event in Essendon "It's great to see the people out here, we want to do good things for the community. People have been throwing around words like "cult" and "kool aid" but that's not what we're about. We're about fairness and caring for people and their families, you know, if drinking or injecting the body of Christ is wrong then I don't want to be right".

The Church Of Sash can be found on the corner of Napier & Brewster Streets in Essendon, new members welcome.

[thefarceblog]

Tim Cahill elevated to God status

In a joint statement between the FFA and the Catholic Church Tim Cahill has been proclaimed as our new God here on Earth.

Pope Francis was delighted to be making the announcement "it's about time people realised how important football is, maybe now people will see the light".

Frank Lowy who invented the game was also on hand for the announcement "it's a great honour for Tim and for Australia, i'm very please to announce that on the back of this Tim will be touring every Westfield shopping centre in the known universe where there will be times set aside for people to kiss his feet", "I might even set some time aside myself" joked Lowy.

Tim's first order of business as God will be to stand perfectly still while prominent artist construct statues of him out of various materials.

[thefarceblog]

Melbourne supporters take AOD-9604

Victorian Police have issued a warning to the general public to watch out for out of control Melbourne supporters.

In the wake of their stirring 1 point victory over Essendon on Sunday, some Melbourne supporters have been found to be experimenting with AOD-9604, the banned substance Essendon players were injected with.

The reasoning behind this trend is unclear, it is speculated that Melbourne fans want to feel the same kind of arrogance and naivety that Essendon players and staff feel, so as to understand their win better.

Melbourne supporters are generally found to have blue blood, rather than your stock standard red blood flowing through the veins. AOD-9064 has been found to react differently to this blue blood, sending users into a euphoria that may not stop until this Sunday when their team plays North Melbourne at the MCG for the first time in 83 years.

Police are urging citizens to be on the lookout for drugged up Melbourne fans, some ways to spot them are:

Heightened sense of importance

Genuine belief in Melbourne's finals aspirations

Claiming that Paul Roos is in fact the son of God

Constantly tweeting about the fact that Melbourne won

Stating that they have been a fan of Lynden Dunn since forever

More on this story as it comes to hand.

[thefarceblog]

Wrestlemania 2014.

WELCOME, TO WRESTLEMANIA!

That iconic line from Vince McMahon. The event that made Hulk Hogan a household name, think about it, if it weren't for Wrestlemania becoming such a big deal and launching Hulk Hogan's career, we would never have had movie's such as Mr Nanny or Santa With Muscles.

Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, The Undertaker, Mankind, all legends of the ring throughout the Attitude Era, a time when wrestling was fucking awesome. Dudes would get bashed on the head with chairs, Sable would get around with the cans out, wowee, what a time to be a teenager.

Now we're stuck with this horrendous PG era, lead by the polarising John Cena, sure, it can be enjoyable, but for the most part it's the same old shit every week. Nearly every wrestler is just a person, there are no gimmicks, that's why everyone still loses their shit when the stadium goes dark and that bell tolls, because The Undertaker has a gimmick, and it's scary as fuck.

Moving on. Wrestlemania is only a couple of weeks away, and this year the event has a little something about it. That little something is that it looks like it might suck the big one.

Daniel Bryan will beat Triple H, he will beat Randy Orton & Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship, but christ, how long did it take for Triple H to listen to the fans and actually put Bryan back in the picture.

Daniel can thank CM Punk. Punk made Triple H look like a proper dickhead, sure, Punk can be seen as a little bitch for not getting his way and turfing the toys out of the cot, I don't think that way. CM Punk is one man who i've enjoyed watching since I got back into WWE in 2010, he gives it all every week, he's entertaining and he makes shit wrestlers look good.

Punk bailing made Triple H wake up, all of a sudden he's lost his #2 guy, then Cena got injured. Holy shit, what are you going to do Helmsley? Yes! Yes! Yes! I'll put Daniel Bryan back in the picture, perhaps this time I won't screw him over.

I could go on about how shit the book has been of late, how about Christian being thrown back as a heel and fighting Shaemus every week for seemingly no point, when you're thrown in a gimmick match on RAW you know it's going nowhere, why not showcase the talents of these dudes? Give them a ladder match or something, fuck me, anyways back to Wrestlemania.

The Andre the Giant battle royal is there purely because the WWE has about 50 blokes they don't know what to do with at the moment, so there you go, just have another Royal Rumble, job done.

Bryan VS Triple H will be entertaining but we know the result, the only other match i'm looking forward to is Brock VS The Undertaker.

I fucking love The Undertaker, he is the greatest of all time. Looking forward to seeing what  he can get out of Lesnar, old 'Taker isn't as limber as he used to be but the man can still cut it. I hope he rolls Brock out of there in a casket as they play "OHHHHHH YESSSSSS" over the PA system.

What a rambling piece of rubbish this has been. Enjoy Wrestlemania ffs.

[thefarceblog]

A comprehensive list of Melbourne player nicknames according to Paul Roos.

Once Paul Roos (Roosy) came on board every single player was given a nickname, this is how it should be. I thought i'd do everyone including Dennis & Bruce a favour and compile them all in the one place.

I'll run through the whole list by player number.

1. Hogesy (Jesse Hogan) 2. Jonesy (Nathan Jones) 3. Salemsy (Christian Salem) 4. Wattsy (Jack Watts) 5. Toumpasy (Jimmy Toumpas) 6. Dawesy (Chris Dawes) 7. Vineysy (Jack Viney) 8. Frawleysy (James Frawley) 9. Trengovesy (Jack Trengove) 10. Shannon (Shannon Byrnes) 11. Clarksy (Mitch Clark) 12. Tysonsy (Dom Tyson) 13. McKenziesy (Jordie McKenzie) 14. Dunnsy (Lynden Dunn) 15. Clisbysy (Mitch Clisby) 16. Kentsy (Dean Kent) 17. Bleasesy (Sam Blease) 18. Crosssy (Daniel Cross) 19. Strausssy (James Strauss) 20. Garlandsy (Colin Garland) 21. Cameron (Cameron Pedersen) 22. Michiesy (Viv Michie) 23. Gorgeous (Bernie Vince) 24. Kennedy-Harrisy (Jay Kennedy-Harris) 25. McDonaldsy (Tom McDonald) 26. Nicholsonsy (Daniel Nicholson) 27. Rileysy (Aidan Riley) 29. Huntsy (Jayden Hunt) 31. Grimesy (Jack Grimes) 32. Evansy (Michael Evans) 33. Barrysy (Dom Barry) 35. Tapscottsy (Luke Tapscott) 37. Gawnsy (Max Gawn) 38. Howesy (Jeremy Howe) 40. Jamarsy (Mark Jamar) 42. Jake (Jake Spencer) 44. Bailsy (Rohan Bail) 45. Jonesy II (Matt Jones) 46. Terlichsy (Dean Terlich) 48. Fitzpatricksy (Jack Fitzpatrick)

Thank you for reading.

[thefarceblog]

#SOTW January 10th, 2014.

No ceremony, no surprises, this week's winner is an obvious one.

The first shitbag of 2014 is......

Cory Bernardi

Let's be honest, this is the kind of bible bashing maniac who would be next in line to be POTUS, thankfully we're not likely to vote someone like that to be PM......

[thefarceblog]

#SOTY 1st Place

It's been a marvellous event this, i'm going to hand back to Tom to present this year's winner. But not before a special performance from last year's winner The Velvet Trumpeter.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KV9b7Vuvaw8

"Well, that was amazing, thank you for that. Ok, it's my absolute pleasure to name this year's Shitbag Of The Year, I think we all know who it will be, so let's not delay it any further."

The winner is:

James Hird

I want to thank everyone for their participation.

James has gone over and above this year to win this award, he has brought the club that made him famous down from the inside. Yet he has an amazing ability, he has an army, and army of semi educated people called Essendon supporters, and they won't leave his side.

James, a toast, to you, and to your shithouse mates The Weapon and The Dank.

Thank you, and goodnight.

[thefarceblog]

#SOTY 2nd Place

This year, we have something special. She will be our first ever female top 5 place getter.

Thank you very much to @jizzlobberz & @pickle2401for nominating her, had it not been for them she may have slipped through the cracks.

She runs a website that mentions the word "anal" more than Youjizz.com, I give you this year's runner up

Mia Freedman

[thefarceblog]

#SOTY 3rd Place

In 3rd place, no introduction needed.

I fucking hate this bloke with a passion, he appears to be one of the worst human beings on earth.

What makes matters worse is that commentators and media etc make him out to be the king of blokes, which makes it a whole lot fucking worse.

3rd place is a fuckwit who king hit his own teammate.

Campbell Brown

< NO APPLAUSE >

Off the stage thanks.

[thefarceblog]

#SOTY 4th Place

4th place.

This man has been hated by many. 2013 wasn't his finest hour, he was hassled by newspapers, he was plagued by rumours and the safety of his position.

He's here tonight, I can see him twitching with excitement. In 4th place this year is:

Mark Neeld

Good on you Newley.

[thefarceblog]

#SOTY 5th Place

In 5th place for 2013.

This man is one you'll be very familiar with. He has been in my radar many times before, and i'm glad you all nominated him again because his ineptitude in most things he does needs to be recognised.

5th place in #SOTY 203 goes to:

David King

Fuck you David.

[thefarceblog]

#SOTY Introduction

Tom Cruise takes to to the stage.

"Welcome everyone, I am extremely honoured to be invited back. As you all know I had stepped down as ambassador back in 2012, Tony Robbins has been wonderful in my absence, but I am glad to report I will be back on board full time in 2013"

< APPLAUSE INTENSIFIES >

"Thank you, thank you, no please, thank you. Ok, let’s get this show on the road. I’m going to hand back now to The Farce team to hand out these prestigious awards."

2013 has been a year where I have been noticeably absent. We ramped Shitbag back up over the past couple of weeks, which I think was long overdue. Too many dickheads have been getting it their own way for too long.

You’ve all been admirable in your patience, I know I was the only source in the world who could tell you how much Mitch Clark was worth per goal.

But that’s enough of all that, i’m back, i’m ready for the new year, and my “Roos Javelin” (remarkable term coined by @JRRivett) will not be going away anytime soon.

So, let’s go.

[thefarceblog]

We're rebranding, any feedback is much appreciated.

[thefarceblog]

What Melbourne gave up for Chris Dawes.

So there is a lot of hate going around about Melbourne's recruitment of Chris Dawes.

While i'm not the biggest fan on him, I can appreciate that Melbourne identified him as a player that would work well in their structure, and they went after him accordingly.

I agree that he does fit the team structure, Mitch at full forward, potentially Dawes as centre half forward, which then makes Jack Watts if thrown forward, a very dangerous third man.

I thought I might have a look at the history of draft picks #20 & #45 over the past 10 years to see what we missed out on.

2011

#20: Hayden Crozier (Fremantle - 3 games)

#45: Brendon Ah Chee (Port Adelaide - 0 games)

2010

#20: Jayden Pitt (Fremantle - 10 games)

#45: Alex Fasolo (Collingwood - 37 games)

2009

#20: Nathan Fyfe (Fremantle - 50 games)

#45: Sam Shaw (Adelaide - 14 games)

2008

#20: Tom Swift (West Coast - 34 games, retired)

#45: Jarrad Blight (Collingwood - 0 games, delisted)

2007

#20: Tony Notte (West Coast - 2 games, delisted)

#45: Stuart Dew (Hawthorn - 26 games, retired)

2006

#20: Tom Hislop (Essendon - 29 games, delisted)

#45: Brennan Stack (Western Bulldogs - 21 games, delisted)

2005

#20: Paul Bower (Carlton - 70 games, delisted)

#45: Kasey Green (North Melbourne - 39 games, delisted)

2004

#20: Dean Polo (Richmond - 77 games)

#45: Justin Sherman (Brisbane - 138 games)

2003

#20: Sam Butler (West Coast - 93 games)

#45: Amon Buchanan (Sydney - 128 games)

2002

#20: Will Minson (Western Bulldogs - 136 games)

#45: Kade Simpson (Carlton - 176 games)

So over the past 10 years, the #20 pick has gone to a Western Australian side. That's interesting in itself. Other than Nathan Fyfe, there are no real superstars in that bunch. 

Of course, we don't know who will get picked by Collingwood at #20 this year, they may end up with a Fyfe, or maybe a Notte.

The average amount of games played by a pick 20 over the past 10 years is 50.4 over their career to date. Compare this to the average games by a pick 45 which is 57.9. There does seem to be some value at 45, no superstars of the game, but good players like Kade Simpson & Will Minson have bobbed up for a look.

None of this means anything in the end, Collingwood will pick whoever they pick, and Melbourne will throw Dawes at centre half forward and see what happens. It will all be clear in 3 - 5 years time.

Farce.