A Little Girl's Mind

Erratic panic somehow hit the exit.

[thefeignedsleep]

Monday

"You look so beautiful today." he said, while his brown eyes were gazing at me, longer than usualーI thought he wouldn't even want to see me. If it was still the one-week-ago-or-more me, I would be a tomato ass. All red, all hyped. So I was glad to realize that it was only a compliment. The kind of compliment adult people use as one complete package with greeting. That it doesn't really mean anything other than ice-breaking or shit. Even if I really looked pretty in his eyes, he only wanted to tell, and saying that words to me didn't mean he liked me back. So, I shrugged. "I don't think I do. I'm messy." "Messy? Why?" "Been feeling hard to concentrate on anything. Also, on today we got PE. We did some push-ups and they were very exhausting." He nodded. I nodded. Today, he wore his usual outfit with his usual hairstyle. I suddenly wondered on why I could like himーand really did confess. From his look, he was not really my type. From his behavior, he was sometimes too weird for me to understand. We still talked a bit after it as I brought up about what happened a week ago. I apologized for being too naive, I really knew that I was one. It went only shortly until he said that he had to go back to the classroom. "But I still want to talk to you." was the thing I wish I could say. I hated that this oneーour conversation, felt so awkward. All the scenarios in my head were suddenly disappeared despite that I had wanted Monday to immediately happen. Only on Monday, I could talk to him like thisーbecause he wouldn't be here other than on Monday. He refused to make us meet more often, and I accepted that. I accepted that I couldn't always get what I want, eventhough it more seemed like I never got anything I want. Time for a move on, mate.

[thefeignedsleep]

Joel, if you're reading this, don't scroll the fuck down

all my writings are so shitty and alay i wanna cri 

[thefeignedsleep]

Night Talkie

So, I just had a chit-chat with my, well, brother? Not really a brother- but since we get a long recently, I guess he’s my brother now?

Having a convo with him made me relax for a lil bit, as I just got attacked by anxiety for no reason (it sucks, really). We talked about my life, his life, coffee, schools, LGBT, etc but mostly about my personal life. He asked me things like how I can be brilliant, and he is amazed knowing that I can memorize hiragana and katakana (and asked me what I did to memorize them all). He sees me as a very smart person, and it’s just so weird for someone who blames herself for being too dumb and lazy every single time. Eventhough it boosts my ego a lil bit higher, I’m still considered myself as “a lazy dumb-ass fuck”. 

I exposed a few things of my weaknesses to him. I told him that I’m so jealous of people who can be so positive about everything. 

“Kenapa kamu ga percaya diri? Aku bodoh-bodoh aja percaya diri.”

Well, I guess I just have a low self-esteem? There’s just nothing to be proud of from me? I was a confident person back then but I’m just getting worse from time to time? 

I’m a very stupid person. Thus, I have no special ability on arts, music, nor sports, and it doesn’t make me very smart in academic things. I’m just an ordinary person. Well-known in junior high school for my English ability and in high school for my Japanese ability. But I’m still below the experts, heck, I don’t even memorize 100 kanji. And my English ability is just so-so (you can see from my writing here). 

I’m not a diligent person too. I do my homework in the morning, almost never submit tasks punctually, waste a lot of time doing useless things (ex: ngestalk ig orang), etc etc etc. Nothing special from me. Nothing. Fucking nothing. 

No matter how many people compliment me or see me as a brilliant person, it doesn’t change the fact that I dislike myself for being a waste of space, for being nothing, for being useless, for being goblok. I might be an open-minded person but I’m still basically stupid about everything. 

Udah insecure, goblok lagi. 

[thefeignedsleep]

A Little Part of My Current Writing

I’m. Afraid.

I’m afraid I will be (still) mentally unstable. I’m afraid I will experience more symptoms of fucking anxiety disorder. I’m afraid I will meet anti-anxiety and other similiar drugs, get attached to them that I will hardly give up on them.

They are illnesses, and I don’t want to be sick.

Getting nauseous after eating is already irritating. Sudden intolerance of coffee is hell. Feeling anxious and sad all the time is burdening.

Those really are. 

[thefeignedsleep]

High School Problem 1

“Kamu satu SD sama Ar---?”

“Mantanmu o?”

“Hai, mantan doinya Ar---.”

“Kamu mantannya Ar---, kan?”

You know what, I’d rather be known due to my achievement or at least my face (which is impossible) instead of the fact that I’m their middle school’s OSIS chairman’s ex.

It just makes me feel anxious and weird because “how the hell they know???” and “wait, I’m his ex? EX?”.

It sucks,

as I’m still in love with him,

for more than five years.

[thefeignedsleep]

Do Not Be Friend With Me Because

they all said that i am

“Sensitif!”

“Emosian!”

“Galak!”

“Ga rapi!”

“Ga peka!” 

“Terlalu serius!” 

“Suka tidur!”

[thefeignedsleep]

Nevertheless

Bukankah aku juga termasuk bagian dari kalian, ya?

[thefeignedsleep]

Too much perfection and positivity kills everything. Slowly and absolutely. The human race believes positivity is the key of success. The human race believes perfection is the key of happiness.

While both are the ultimate keys to neverland where everything is fake and literally unreachable. “Dream, baby, keep on dreaming,” they say, so they can keep selling and you keep buying whatever they sell.

Success and happiness only make you feel more like a failure and more unhappy. They are like air, filling every inch of the universe. In every word you read.

In every visual you see. In every movie you watch. In your bright phone screen. In every scrolling you do. In every step you take, In every gallery you visit. In every clothing you wear. In every exam you take. In every dream you make.

In every email you received. In every TV series you watch. In every snack you eat. In every motivation you get. In every work you create. In everything you live for.

Lala Bohang - The Book of Forbidden Feelings

[thefeignedsleep]

Why are you getting cold?

[thefeignedsleep]

I Wish I Could Take Your Sadness Away

Kamu kalau sedih, selain bercerita kepada langit, 

kepada siapa?

Aku ingin mendengarkan keluh kesahmu lagi.

Meskipun mungkin aku hanya memberikan kata-kata yang sama,

itu itu saja.

Tetapi, aku ingin, kamu yang saat ini sebongkah es,

dan membuatku khawatir, 

menjadi sehangat pukul tujuh pagi.

Kamu mungkin merasa, kalau kamu sudah terlarut,

dalam pusaran masalah-masalah hidupmu. 

Apakah aku ikut serta?

Kalau iya, bilang,

aku akan meluruskan, dan memohon maaf. 

Kalau tidak, aku tetap berharap, 

agar bahumu, tidak berat lagi,

dan agar senyummu, kembali lagi.

Bukan bahu yang merosot, 

dan senyum palsu itu.

Segelap-gelapnya jalan hidupmu,

akan ada titik terang. 

Hari-hari berat itu, sesungguhnya, 

akan mendewasakanmu. 

Jadi, 

untuk kamu, dan yang lainnya, 

jangan bersedih lagi, 

ya?

[thefeignedsleep]

When your life gives you a lemon...

[thefeignedsleep]

Nisa; Yosa; Mbak Afra; Alisa 9 years old. Good old days ya.

[thefeignedsleep]

When A Friend Trying to Make Me Feel Better

Bayangkan banyak kadal

Kadal kadal kadal

Bayangin ada kadal besayap

Terbang ngikutin

Sampai akhirnya kadal itu makan semua perasaan bersalahmu

Jadi kenyang

Ngentut deh 😂

Pret epret epret

It was actually me, receh, and laughed at those words you sent; why did you even put lizards???

[thefeignedsleep]

[thefeignedsleep]

Heart is Speaking

Mungkin. Beberapa jam kemudian. Aku akan. Merasa lega. 

Aku akan. Menyadari. Bahwa. Aku. Telah. Terlambat. 

Tidak ada lagi kesempatan untukku. 

Tidak ada. 

Mungkin. Aku akan. Mengikhlaskan. Segalanya. 

Dan satu bebanku. Hilang.

Mungkin. Aku akan. Menangis. Untuk ketiga. Kalinya. 

Dan setelah itu. Aku tidak akan. Menangisinya. Lagi.

[thefeignedsleep]

Kalau kamu punya skill, kembangkan. Nanti sekolah yang nyari kamu.

Coach Dhaoni

[thefeignedsleep]

Me spending my long holiday: tidur-tiduran ena sepanjang hari.